Working My Way Back to the Good Life

Roe

Canada6002 Posts

June 28 2012 21:48 GMT

Have you ever thought you could have a better life? I tend to think my life was better when I was younger. I remember my childhood being happy and filled with ease in life's activities. I was in track and field in later elementary school and I always wondered why my friends would grunt and sigh as they ate (later guessing it was something health related). I got good grades, I was horrified to get my first but only C in sixth grade. I had good friends and made acquaintances easily. Most of all I never felt afraid of approaching people and experimenting, trying to explore people's behaviour and learn about life. For some reason it's always sunny when I think back to those times.

Nowadays I'm constantly out of breath as if my lungs are ripped apart. I feel frail. I'm constantly making very dull mistakes (putting the orange juice jug under the water tap to fill up my glass that was waiting on the counter...). I live in great isolation from new experiences and people. I miss all those old feelings, those old memories when you had friends and you never thought you'd be alone, never had to fully realize that you are mortal.

As I grow older I notice the clock is turning against me, every second brings me so close to my last. I'm tired, I've been so for too long. No longer do I feel immortal and without error. This change came so gradually...I want to go back to what I was before. So in the spirit of giving one last push back against the forces of depression, I decide to live a life of rigor and effort. Not a single day will pass wasted, no matter how weary things get.

Move on up towards your destination
You may find from time to time, complication

Bite your lip, and take the trip
Though there may be a wet road ahead
And you cannot slip

Remember your dream is your only skin, so keep on pushing
Take nothing less - not even second best
Do not obey what most people say
For you can past the test

Move on up!

When school ended I handed my resume to a bunch of places, not getting a single reply for weeks. I wrote about my feelings in a previous blog post, and started slipping back into depression and hopelessness. When you've never had a job it can be hard to get that first experience. Sometime in early May I got a call from a nearby garden centre asking if I could come in the next day at 10am. They made no mention of what exactly I'll be doing except that I'll be getting my hands dirty and that they wanted to see me in action. Later that night they called me and asked if I can be in at 9am, of course I oblige. I go in expecting a short 15 minute interview along with me helping to lift stuff around for maybe 10 minutes, just to see if I can do the job...

What really happens is I end up working for 5 hours without any breaks or water or food. When I arrived one of the managers simply put me to work, and I went on until the owner randomly arrived at the store. He asked if I've had a break or something to eat, and he sounded a bit surprised at my answer. He sends me home for 40 minutes and I throw in some soup (for some reason me and my dad love having a nice and boiling hot soup in the middle of the summer) and slice some bread as fast as I can. I come back to work for another few hours of random things such as lifting soil, moving trees, and watering plants, and finally leave at 5pm. When I get home I sink into the couch and fade away to sleep.

A week goes by with no communication from the place. I decide to summon the courage to phone them and ask if they would need me again. The owner says he's not sure, he'll call me back tomorrow. So tomorrow comes, no call. The days go by and a week has passed, so I ask my father and he recommends I just phone them again. The owner/boss asks if I can come in the next day at 9am.

The first day was hectic and tiring. I get to the store and immediately I'm assigned to watering under the canopy, soon interrupted by the hose exploding all over me and a customer. As I was trying to fix the thing, another customer asked for the price on the roses. "I...ah..." I glance at the hose "I don't know...sorry" she walks away. The monotone, high-pitched manager comes over and, after looking stressed, helps me fix the hose. She tells me the boss will show me how to use some strange watering device, but he never comes and I have to figure out how to attach it all, then wait several minutes for it to fill up. She comes over in a flurry sounding cross, "These plants over here? They need WAW-ter" "ok", I reply, feeling tense but trying my best not to get angry or annoyed. The rest of the day was filled with lifting crates, boxes, trays of flowers out of a truck then more barking from the monotone manager about the slow watering (later I found out the hose just didn't have any higher pressure).

The long weekend goes on with me being woken up out of bed by the phone at 8 am and working 9 hour shifts every day. I've never worked this hard before in my life, though perhaps that's not saying much having spent most of high school sitting at a computer. The constant standing is strangely one of the most tiring parts of work...

A couple weeks later I log on to my email and see a message from work. At long last, and at the age of 21 I have my first paycheck. Two hundred and forty bucks. Yet something's missing...they deducted the lunch time I put down as my break. (I guess in the sign out sheet the "lunch" means your unpaid lunch time). Something's always gotta go wrong doesn't it...

The first money you actually earn is unlike any other. There's such satisfaction of making even just eighty dollars in an eight hour work day and pressing on through the week, as your boss calls you out of bed in the morning for another eight hours you know you'll be richer as another day comes to pass.

"Hey, you've done some planting before right?" - Yeah, I reply in a slightly tense tone (my volunteer work from high school was mostly planting trees)
"Can you help me with some landscaping maybe Thursday or Saturday?" -Yeah, sure, now in a more confident tone

I get a call at six minutes to 8 from my boss, asking if I can be in for 8:45. I say yes as always, and rush to get some oatmeal and a banana. When I get there I find out my boss will be in at 9:45, so I just help out watering and moving soil. We ride in the tiny cab of his truck on a bumpy road to a mansion in Rosedale. Our job for the day is to shovel soil from two gigantic piles higher than ourselves up a hill the height of the house, using rusty old wheel barrels (one of which breaks down mid-day). All without scratching the magnificently ugly 300 000 dollar driveway. Our boss/owner comes back later in the day, tells us to just scoop the soil from the bottom. Me and my co worker look at each other in disbelief, our faces seeming to cry out "sacrilege!".

When I went to bed that night I still had trouble getting to sleep. Amazing, even after 10 hours of landscaping and muscles collapsed my mind still drones away. The next day I stand in the rain for 4 hours until the boss comes and sends me home. I come home completely drenched and unsatisfied.

and the beat goes on...

...still moving strong, on and on
don't stop for nobody
this time i keep myself on solid ground
now i understand myself when im down
like the sweet sound of good music, there'll always be something new
to keep the tables turning

The weeks start to go by and the days get hotter and hotter, while the work doesn't get any easier. It gets more humid and the sky shows no sign of a single drop of rain. More days of just carrying bags of soil, mulch, and rocks. I have no idea how my performance is: I seem to get barked at a lot from my managers but I get quite a bit of praise as well. I figure if they don't want me, they won't call me (or they will call me one last time). I just have to keep trying to do my best in the mean time.

With all the work I've done not only do I feel more apt financially, but, most importantly, all the pains and work and stress has made me a little more stoic and resilient. After a day of work I walk with my head up, my chest out and shoulders relaxed. I take a breath of air and yet... I still can't feel the sun and the trees and the way the leaves touch your skin and the warm wind that passes as I walk.

All this work really wouldn't be worth it if I can't enjoy it, but I really have no stress relief these days. Never having earned money before, I always saw my 12-15 dollar monthly subscription to World of Warcraft as a huge weight on my long term savings. Now that I have a job, I've easily made enough to subscribe for a year in a couple days. Still I stay my hand from spending the money I've earned through sweat on sweltering as well as deluging days. At least I know my past mistakes has been paid back in some way. I've felt a great shame in never having worked and being given so many chances that I threw away. So much money down the drain, so much time wasted.

From my past I know why I've denied myself gratification. For one it stems from my efforts to block sexuality from growing. Yet this was a symptom of an over reactive defense initiative which sought to minimize harm and risk at any cost. When I was happy, I was also reckless, and so, I had to end the happiness in order to save myself from the consequences. For some reason (and it seems this is the case with many who are depressed) I valued any negative consequences as detrimental to my entire life, as a poison or disease that I must eradicate even at the loss of the good things.

I'm so far into life, and have no time left to face it. It's here. There's no turning back. People say I have all my life ahead of me yet all I can see are good times behind me: never had health problems, didn't have to think of a job or responsibilities, life skills and learning came easily. Now every day my joints ache and my breath can't be caught.

Apathy starts to set in, as does the water on my shoes and pants...I've made a thousand dollars, and for some reason it all feels meaningless. How am I going to spend it? Save it and use it for school? Then after school, what? I still have no calling or passion in life, and no vision of how I would spend my money. And ah yes, how ironic. I've left a life of dullness due to not working to enter a life of dullness from working.

My parents and sister are now gone, so I'm all alone for a month and a half. The few friends I have are also on trips or working most of the time. Sometimes I want to crawl up in a ball and listen to all those old 90s classics just like me and my sister and cousins would, like Weezer and No Doubt. I remember it so fondly: we'd play games like Neopets or Chip's Challenge or Yukon Trail (I would always pick Midas T Golden and they'd always make fun of him). Back then I'd always be trying to be a part of their lives and it always seemed like they were just putting up with me being there. I was the only boy, they said that's why I was drifting off, why we had few things in common.

Let's just keep moving...

Bummer

I just wish I had those times back...Unfortunately I never made a strong enough connection with my relatives yet we shared so much in common. Now they're off to Japan, Windsor, Guelph. I'm here alone, as usual. I suppose there's some merit in comparing my life to theirs, they've always esteemed my skill with money and how much I know about the world. So I don't know, maybe all the years of isolation was not a complete loss.

Without much pause or reflection, the weeks start to go by and one month later I'm starting to fall back into depression. I just live from one day to the next, trying to get enough sleep, making it in to work every day. But the work is degrading my mind. The busy season ending, so I experience entire hours of boredom and monotony. I wonder, is this how most of the world lives? Is this why we have such thoughtless and careless people going about? Is this why there's such apathy among so many? I can't let this get to me, I have to keep going. Change comes gradually though it often happens unexpectedly.

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin'

Training for the TSL is going to be tough. I'm barely masters and don't even have a main race. I decided I'm gonna try my hardest to prepare and just go for it, I don't care if I fail. Like the indecision and apathy that so holds many back on the ladder, you have to ask yourself: What would I gain by not hitting the button? What would I gain by not living life? Unfortunately this barely one year old laptop (nvidia gt 540m, 2 gig vram, intel i5) has broken down to the point of having 10 fps on lowest graphics, so I don't think I'll even be physically able to play.

I'm going to keep reading (paper) on a regular basis. I'm trying to get through Moonraker, by Ian Flemming, along with the rest of his Bond novels. After that I'll take another stab at War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. I was never very good at reading, my cousins and sister always finished the Harry Potter books in days, while I spent months stuck in Diagon Alley (after all these years, I finally get the name). These days it gives my mind such a strange high, where afterwards my mind is buzzing and whirring with the need to describe and narrate the world, usually in the voice I had just read. It has an effect that may prove to change my fortune in life.

Let's go take it to the top!
Don't stop!
You can make it to the top, don't stop!
We'll be groovin'

One of the few things that really brightens the day is when I see my psoriasis receding, and that my hands are covered by only a few spots. I just have to keep my stress under control, and follow the right diet. A friend messaged me today, saying if he was in town we should hang out like old times. Just for him to say "like old times" felt so good and brought back old feelings of security and connection from my elementary years. And trust of other human beings, yes.

Yes, my nightmares have subsided. Long have I spent half asleep the moments of my life, among those were great opportunities for loving life. I wonder what awaits me in this new life of passion and redoubled efforts. The persistent trouble is, I have no way of having fun...I guess I have to get used to not relying on the computer for entertainment. As a matter of fact, my parents gave me a box set of old bond films for Christmas. In the past couple nights I've watched Dr. No, From Russia with Love, and You Only Live Twice. This song stuck out to me in particular:

You Only Live Twice or so it seems,
One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
You drift through the years and life seems tame,
Till one dream appears and love is its name.

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.

The past couple weeks at work have been the most boring experience I can recall to mind. The busiest time of the year is now long gone and costumers are getting increasingly rare. To my luck I was assigned to the soil yard for 9 and 8 hours the past two days. I had maybe 2 or 3 costumers today and 7-8 yesterday. Other than that, I just stood around for hours on end.

I've been thinking maybe it's time for me to quit. They really don't need a lot of help at the store with the decrease in costumers, and I feel kind of bad being paid when there's not really any work to do. I also feel bad that the summer is slowly looming to an end, I worry that if I keep working I may not have the time to really pin down a goal or direction in life. As sort of a catch-22 I feel like I need to quit work in order to find a source of enjoyment in life, yet in the summers past and as it is now I have very little entertainment or interests apart from the weekly America's Got Talent and Masterchef. Watching those shows were one of the few occasions in which me, my sister and parents would all enjoy being together and just have a relaxed, fun time.

I was about to phone my boss to quit today, but I thought I'd phone my sister for some advice. We got to talking for 2 hours and while my Sake marinated Kung Pao Chicken was simmering away she somehow convinced me to stay at least until august. Her logic was so simple, my excuses so convoluted, so desperate. I couldn't help but concede and see her point: what would I be doing en lieu of work? The question led me to further wonder what it is exactly I enjoy and want to do in life.

Just waiting till I can have some fun...

***

Yes, I am mortal, I make mistakes. One must deal with the consequences of being human. Through the hot, humid summer days I've worked hard labour after years of inactivity and sitting at the computer. I look in the mirror, and notice my eyes no longer have the dark purple spots under them, my muscles are resilient, perky even.

Day after day I work, through the ups and downs. I remember the times I thought I'd give up. To think it wasn't worth it would be lunacy: I had true freedom to retract, to give in, to end my life. With the ability to turn around evident in my mind I had the full ability to keep going. This whole experience has been something completely new to me, I proved to myself that I can have real responsibilities and hold fast to the unexpected challenges.

And perhaps that's something worth celebrating ~

Time to enjoy the good weather, the birds singing, the beach, the trees swaying in the wind, and...life.

cmen15

United States1519 Posts

June 28 2012 22:12 GMT

We both know where the door of quitting leads to, and im also trying not to go back there again. Life moves on you just gotta take it one day at a time : ) Really nice blog sir, I liked the music alot!

Chiharu Harukaze

12112 Posts

June 28 2012 23:10 GMT

"Don't give a hundred percent in everything you do. You won't have anything left at the end. Put in the effort for what's absolutely required, and then spend all the rest of your effort on what truely matters."

Such as is life. Glgl~

c0ldwinter

United States238 Posts

June 28 2012 23:49 GMT

Good luck with your efforts! you achieve anything if u put the effort

r.Evo

Germany14080 Posts

June 29 2012 01:15 GMT

I totally loved reading this blog. Work to make a living > be alive just to work. =)

On June 29 2012 08:10 Chiharu Harukaze wrote:
"Don't give a hundred percent in everything you do. You won't have anything left at the end. Put in the effort for what's absolutely required, and then spend all the rest of your effort on what truely matters."

Such as is life. Glgl~

Cool quote. =)

jubil

United States2602 Posts

June 29 2012 01:27 GMT

This blog really spoke to me. I've just graduated college, and I'm working one job for the summer, but I have no set plans or applications out for after the summer...just a few random ideas...
I've also suffered from depression in the past, and I can already tell that if it returns while i'm stuck being unemployed it might be more painful and difficult to get out of. But for now, I'm also trying to work as hard as I can and enjoy this summer, too.

Also wanna say, that garden place sounds super sketchy, basically making you do a full days works for your interview, not giving you a legit lunch break, no training or orientation or anything.

radscorpion9

Canada2252 Posts

June 29 2012 01:50 GMT

Your writing style is really fluid and drew me in quite easily. If there wasn't a lack of jobs in your area I think you'd do pretty well as a journalist/writer of some type. I especially enjoyed your example of moving a massive tonne of dirt up a hill where you couldn't damage an expensive driveway of the rich owner, it seemed like an example of *the* stereotypical labour intensive job.

Well anyway hopefully you find a better job, reading through most of your blog it saddened me how lame and depressing life can be; I'm sure there are other people who live that way for their whole lives because they live in poverty and have to do anything to scrape by. I also wonder how many more people live most of their lives working a monotonous office or labour job in general, and when they get home they're too tired to do anything except watch TV and eat something.

I think the distressing part is that people get used to monotony, and at some point you no longer have any interest in changing things for the better because you've found a way to be "happy" with what you have. While you're still young I think you have an impetus to refuse to let that happen, because you still have hope that things will change and become like they used to be. But I think its possible that over time this drive will diminish until you will essentially be satisfied with "going through the motions" of your day to day experiences. But I'm no expert so I'm not sure, its just something I noticed in myself.

Empyrean

16984 Posts

June 29 2012 02:08 GMT

Life is tough. I love your attitude and loved reading this.

don_kyuhote

3006 Posts

June 29 2012 02:33 GMT

On June 29 2012 06:48 Roe wrote:
I miss all those old feelings, those old memories when you had friends and you never thought you'd be alone, never had to fully realize that you are mortal.

As I grow older I notice the clock is turning against me, every second brings me so close to my last. I'm tired, I've been so for too long. No longer do I feel immortal and without error. This change came so gradually...I want to go back to what I was before.

Reading this part really reminds me of this song hehe

Sometimes I want to crawl up in a ball and listen to all those old 90s classics just like me and my sister and cousins would, like Weezer and No Doubt.

And this + Show Spoiler +

drthugnasty

Canada1 Post

June 29 2012 03:11 GMT

#10

You should really just kill yourself and get it over with. Your entire life is just going to be one long miserable march into the grave.

Also you should kill yourself.

User was banned for this post.

eXigent.

Canada2419 Posts

June 29 2012 04:21 GMT

#11

Work does suck, specially when you are not into what you are doing. I basically started into heavy construction right out of highschool and still work there 9 years later. You eventually get use to the long hours (12hr days 6 days a week) and the money is what keeps you going. I wish you luck, and don't give up. If anything use this as something to prove to yourself. You will definitely look back and see you were able to continue on, without giving up, and that will certainly carry over to many other things you will do. GL!

sc14s

United States5052 Posts

June 29 2012 05:19 GMT

#12

hmm, its always good to let it all out in something like this, personally as i am a more introverted person i like to just write it down in a journal of sorts and generally i feel better, failing that just talk to friends, family ect. (which i usually don't so i can't exactly preach about talking to people)

So I have random other ways of letting off steam.as well. I've always had small issues with depression so i found .. creative ways to feel better, walking around at night in the rain for the hell of it or getting all warm in the cold winter with hot chocolate + a good book for example.

I can tell you after having working crappy hourly jobs for around 8 years now that you pretty much have to separate work and everything else. at the end of the day its just a way to get a paycheck to live your life and its just a means to an end not something you will be stuck with for the rest of your life, so go home change out of your dirty, greasy, smelly , sweaty clothes and live the rest of your life

GhandiEAGLE

United States20754 Posts

June 29 2012 06:13 GMT

#13

This blog is great. It really spoke to me. I especially enjoyed the scatman john at the end there.

vasculaR

Malaysia791 Posts

June 29 2012 09:09 GMT

#14

Really interesting read.. and good luck!

VenomBRA

Netherlands168 Posts

June 29 2012 09:18 GMT

#15

Wow, that was an amazing read! Thanks for putting the time to write this and for sharing.

Chaves

Brazil315 Posts

June 29 2012 09:31 GMT

#16

wow really nice blog!! You ar not alone brother, I feel exactly like you.

I need to agree with you, when i remember of my times in school, everything was so easy, i mean, i got no real concerns, Now im living by my own ...

I need to think about the present and the future and make it all by my own ... You know, when i was kid i used to think "when i get older i ll do everything i want" - But infortunally its not like that, its just diferent and strange and sometimes weird, i mean everything changed for me, my relationship with other people, i used to be more "lose" funny, smart, not shy, and now i feel like a old man, just complaining about life and such. Sometimes i feel just afraid of what is going to hapen next.

Its hard, but i figured that i cant be prisioner of myself, i need to let go like when i was a kid, ofc i need to be responsable and etc, but i cant go crazy because of some problem or because i did not pass at some exam and etc.

I think that part of beeing a adult, it's to know that you ar by yourself, and you can have the numbers of opportunitys that you create to yourself. You ar writing your own story, here, right now, and you just need to write it the way your apreciate and you cant let other people do it for you, because you ll regret it later.

So, everything i wrote, probally makes more sense at my head, but i think what im trying to say is: "Fack, that sh1t, be happy"

wwJd)El_Mojjo

Sweden173 Posts

June 29 2012 09:57 GMT

#17

I can relate to a lot of what you just wrote. I don't know if you have any faith of some kind but you mentioned the effect reading has in your life so I thought I'd share a part of the text from the Bible that completely changed my life around in the opposite direction when I was in a place similar to yours.

Toil Is Meaningless

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the fruit of my toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless.

A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.

Nakata

Bulgaria67 Posts

June 29 2012 17:05 GMT

#18

You definitely need a job change. But don't quit your current one - seek for better opportunities. You are too young to have such negative thinking. Go out more often. Depressing is for old people. The childhood times are over and you have to face it.
Good luck to you with life. Thanks for sharing your story.

jaybrundage

United States3921 Posts

June 29 2012 20:21 GMT

#19

Quite the blog. Its sometimes hard to find meaning but. That is just part of the walk of life.

TheToast

United States4808 Posts

June 29 2012 22:02 GMT

#20

Without much pause or reflection, the weeks start to go by and one month later I'm starting to fall back into depression. I just live from one day to the next, trying to get enough sleep, making it in to work every day. But the work is degrading my mind. The busy season ending, so I experience entire hours of boredom and monotony. I wonder, is this how most of the world lives? Is this why we have such thoughtless and careless people going about? Is this why there's such apathy among so many?

Yes to all.

Everyone has to find some purposeless endevor to consume their time and make them forget how entirely pointless their life is. For some people that's their endless career acent, for others it's strange personal goals like "becoming a pro gamer"; for those who have nothing like this, their lives tend to be an endless cycle of alcohol-fueled one night stands or drub abuse.

But in some ways, you're the worst off. I can tell you're extremely intelligent and insightful, and people like you too easily see through the blinders of pointless ambitions and see the world without bias; you see the world for what it is. Ignorance can really be bliss.

I've been thinking maybe it's time for me to quit. They really don't need a lot of help at the store with the decrease in costumers, and I feel kind of bad being paid when there's not really any work to do. I also feel bad that the summer is slowly looming to an end, I worry that if I keep working I may not have the time to really pin down a goal or direction in life.

Onto more practical advice: don't quit. But you should definetly be looking for another job, that's a really shitty deal. One of the top things people want to know when you interview, are you currently working? For some strange reason, being without work makes you less employable. I don't know the rational for this, but it is true. If you quit, it will make it harder to find another job.

So keep working, and start looking to see if you can find something better now that you have some work experience. At least something where you aren't hauling dirt in the hot sun all day :/

thoraxe

United States1449 Posts

June 29 2012 23:11 GMT

#21

one man's trash is another man's treasure. You have a good job bro, you don't do squat and get paid. There's other people that don't have a job and are in deep financial trouble. You should look into putting the money, which you don't seem to want, into a savings account or look into investing or give it to me. Quitting so abrutly without actually thinking what your plan after is incredily stupid, your sister is right bro.

Al Bundy

7257 Posts

June 30 2012 00:12 GMT

#22

It's all about relativism, man. GLHF.

Silentness

United States2821 Posts

June 30 2012 12:51 GMT

#23

On June 30 2012 08:11 thoraxe wrote:
one man's trash is another man's treasure. You have a good job bro, you don't do squat and get paid. There's other people that don't have a job and are in deep financial trouble. You should look into putting the money, which you don't seem to want, into a savings account or look into investing or give it to me. Quitting so abrutly without actually thinking what your plan after is incredily stupid, your sister is right bro.

If you already have an "emergency fund", I'd say put the money into investments. Savings account doesn't make shit.

My wife doesn't want me investing, but she thinks I'm a "daytrader" I don't mess with that shit. I just do mutual funds... that way I don't instantly lose all of my money if only one single stock dies.

Yeah keep on working though and make your money work for you.

Roe

Canada6002 Posts

July 01 2012 19:26 GMT

#24

thanks everyone for the words of encouragement, I'll remember them as the beating hot sun shines on!

Eufouria

United Kingdom4425 Posts

July 02 2012 02:27 GMT

#25

I liked this blog. I had the same hopelessly lost feeling when I started work for the first time and I also went through a period of hating how repetitive work could get. At the end of the day its just a job, as you get older and want to get into a career you can worry about whether you enjoy your work but at the moment just think of the money and the fact that you don't have to worry about spending it on stuff like rent.

I don't know how old you are, but from what I can see in the blog I'd guess maybe 18 with a few months work experience. As a guy about the same age, and with a couple more months full time experience I'd say keep going. Right now the money is good and if the company didn't need you or want you they'd fire you. Also you'll probably stop hating work with time, yes its repetitive and boring but it's money and if you're lucky you might like your coworkers enough to enjoy going to work just to see them.

5★ for the writing, but tbh you'd have got 5 if it was an empty blog with Curtis Mayfield and Cool and the Gang videos.

EnE

417 Posts

July 02 2012 18:13 GMT

#26

Yeah... if your not spending enough of your effort on truly being...peaceful whenever you have the opportunity then you're going to find problems.

You got to make sure you know what you truly love and feel as close to it as you can for a bit... then pick up the fight.

3FFA

United States3931 Posts

July 03 2012 04:45 GMT

#27

Man, like you, I'm one of the people that are intelligent and insightful enough to see the truth about the world. I'm just trying to find happiness in SC. Other than that, I kinda hate life tbh.

quirinus

Croatia2489 Posts

July 03 2012 12:35 GMT

#28

Yea I had problems similar to what you described... good luck man. I'm trying to work my way up too. Thanks for the music choices, they're amazing, been listening to them and related for days now. :D

jdsowa

405 Posts

July 03 2012 20:10 GMT

#29

Idle self-aware middle-class individuals all go through these periods of doubt and loneliness in college. You will make it through, most likely. Here are the keys to your future happiness:

1) Graduate college so that you can make decent money. All of your after-college life will depend upon this. If you fail to get a degree, you will make a shit wage, you will have no self-respect, and nobody in turn will respect you. You will constantly be tortured with thoughts about what you should or shouldn't be doing with yourself. You will be miserable because you'll have to settle for living in miserable places, dealing with money issues and so forth. It really doesn't matter what degree you decide to get. The important part is to pick something and stick with it.

2) Then, move to a city that fits your political and sexual orientation. Immediately involve yourself in a variety of activities that allow you to meet people.

3) Giving yourself a Social Context is the foremost key to general contentment. If you are idle and isolated, you will have bad thoughts. You will second guess the meaning of everything that you do. You will be paralyzed with indecision. This is why you miss the days when you were occupied hanging out with friends. This is why people shack up after college and raise families. Even if things go bad between you and your significant other, at least you are occupied in dealing with their bullshit. And that's better than the alternative.

It may be hard to imagine, but all of the values you presently hold will be flipped upside down in time. The people that you think are cool, the people that are attractive, will--almost without exception--no longer be cool and attractive 10-15 years down the line.

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