EPTSC2 is a great game.
But not a perfect game…
Some say it isn’t balanced. Some say it doesn’t compare to Brood War. Some say it’s too easy. But everyone is missing the real problem.
All balance problems, BW shortcomings, and skill cap problems can be solved with the implementation of Brood War’s greatest secret ingredient.
+ Show Spoiler +
BLUUUUUUUU GUUUUUUUUUUU!
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/Arrian/bestmvp2.png)
![[image loading]](http://i29.tinypic.com/29frwgh.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/Mystlord/PL_Playoffs/BisuvsKal15.jpg)
Now, if you just blue goo’d your pants, do not be alarmed! This is the natural response to sheer nut-busting Starcraft awesomeness.
Now quickly go change your pants, and I will explain this blue goo infatuation further.
The goo is just so beautiful, it reminds me of the blood of a blue unicorn.
And now contrasting disgustingly with the blue goo correlation in the paragraphs above, I also like to think of blue goo as a delicious elixur of life!
+ Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090518171837/harrypotter/images/1/19/Unicorn_blood_1.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090531094804/harrypotter/images/archive/1/1e/20100118172312%21Voldemort_drinking_blood.jpg)
Yummy!
But let us return to the more inappropriate goo = jizz references.
Ok, so some might say, “Beef! Those are indeed the most erotic pictures I have ever seen, but how does this affect balance?”
The answer is rather simple, if all protoss units died in this blue-gooey fashion (or at least just stalkers), it would be that huge Protoss nerf that all us Zergs have been looking for!
When you pound your giant zerg ball(s) against the ass cheeks of the Protoss army, at the climax of the battle, the goo erupts all over the battlefield/face of the Protoss opponent.
+ Show Spoiler +
Now who wouldn’t want to ejaculate on that face?
![[image loading]](http://www.teamliquid.net/staff/riptide/liquidweekly/lw3_nony.jpg)
In the Protoss’s moment of stunned shame (and as they are trying to wipe their eyes clean) the Zerg must utilize this 5-10 minute window to gain an advantage over the imbalanced toss noobs.
I added in blue goo using the Map Editor and tried this strategy out on my girl friend. Here was the result:
+ Show Spoiler +
And while she was trying to get the goo off in the shower, I did manage to win after a long macro game
Edited the original babe out, so thread could be reopened
Blue goo is of course the only thing that SC2 is really missing from SC1, and as proof, I interviewed a few SC1 pros to get their thoughts:
JulyZerg: I thought I would switch to Starcraft 2, but when I realized the goo was gone, I threw the GSL 2 qualifiers and got the fuck outta there.
Free: I only play Protoss I find blue goo the sexiest thing in the world. In every game I just macro up and sometimes “forget to click *a before I move my entire dragoon force into lurkers and cracklings. (At this point in the interview he shuttered and moaned orgasmically). Whenever I play, I always envision my dragoons as a naughty girl that needs me to ram her into submission. And when I play PvP, it’s just a fucking gangbang.
Jaedong: I get so much dragoon ass it isn’t funny.
Bisu: (motioning towards Jaedong) It’s true. My butt hurts.
Flash: “I like turtles”
My Plea
Now, I don’t know how I can make Blizzard understand the importance of Blue Goo. I hope the 100% factual, unbiased article above may convince them. But seeing as how sometimes facts don’t seem to get through, I will appeal to Blizzard’s sentimental side.
If it were not for Blue Goo, I wouldn’t be here today. SC1 was first introduced to me about two years ago by three friends who needed a forth person to play 2v2. They picked me and at first I was honored. But, those mother fucks have been playing this game FOR YEARS. And I was a complete, total noob. To illustrate how big of a noob I was: I played Terran.
I have never been more thoroughly cock-slapped in my entire life. Game after game I just got crushed. They eventually switched to FFA’s because no one wanted to be on my team. Needless to say, I hated SC
But, then I played protoss and my life changed.
I could watch me lose all day! I ALWAYS wanted to play Starcraft so I could just macro up as many dragoons as possible and move them directly into tank lines. Ohhhhhhh it was awesome. Literally the death animation of one unit kept me interested in that game.
I then LOVED that game -- Right from the moment I heard that first dragoon smush into a gooey puddle. Whenever I watch pro league, I never miss and JaedongvP game because goo is guaranteed. When I eventually became better than all my friends, I stopped wanting to receive and I started wanting to GIVE. And I did.
I’ve been GIVING it to Protosses ever since.
And now I want to GIVE it to them again in SC2. So please Blizzard, add blue goo to the stalker’s death animation.
But only in ZvP. Cause Terran sucks.
![[image loading]](http://www.dantman.com/starcraft/assets/images/Mothership.png)
It was funny.
