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On April 19 2017 19:33 LemOn wrote:
Wait
so you go to a bar, sleep with a girl
go on next date
She tells you she's in a relationship that doesn't work but they stay together because of kids/marriage/flat. You immediately stop the date and all contact.
And you'd actually try to research contact details of the guy call him and say "hello sir, I've inserted my genitals in to your wife, have a good day. I had no idea she was married and I wouldn't do such a thing if I had known so, sincerely, anonymous"
I mean it does sound noble, not sure anyone has done that ever, and you never know what's actually happened in the relationship
Never happened to me, so it's all hypothetical. But yeah. That would be the ideal. If you'd tell a friend, why wouldn't you tell a total stranger if you had the ability?
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Personally I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like a guy to tell me but let her have the chance to do it herself. For me it goes like
1) She tells me beforehand, we discuss that she wants to sleep with other people
=> a good chance of staying together, try a temporary agreement of swinging or an open relationship or a break while working out the issues and see what happens, appreciate her honesty
2) She cheats but within a reasonable amount of (not years but say within few months after?) she tells me herself without much pressure, agrees to show all details and be 100% open with remorse and willingness to work on the relationship
this is how I actually broke up with my longest gf. She just admitted it mid-conversation herself by just me asking questions that she's been cheating for about 4 months pretty elaborately. I gave her the option of showing me all texts, be completely open, she couldn't do that so I told her to leave our apartment we lived in for 3 years. If she did I might have had a pack of half chinese kids now :D
=>probably salvageable
3) find out myself
4) I hear it from a random fucking guy who banged here
=> I'd feel humiliated as hell, can't imagine going back from that. I'd wonder how many guys she's done it with as it's pretty damn rare for the guy himself to contact you.
But yeah I guess I'd want to know eventually
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So I know that woman for a bit over a year now. She was in a relationship, I did not care about one myself at that point.
A bit over a month ago, her BF left her for a new one.
Pretty hard time for her, so I helped her out as good as I could (Finding a new home, get her stuff over, helping with the kids and so on ...).
Well kinda fell in love with her, she also at least she told me so but ...
She also said that she needs time to get over her ex (5 years relationship) right about now she really enjoys her "Solo" life.
I really don't know what I should do with her. We still go out, with or without her kids. Whatsapp or skype each night and stuff like that.
I'm kinda lost tbh.
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She says she enjoys her solo life, so do your best to enjoy yours while she figures her shit out. She's not waiting around for you, so why reciprocate?
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Do you want a relationship now? If not, it's all fun and games, right? She doesn't want a relationship, you don't want a relationship and you are into eachother? Only complicating factor is confusing the kids, so talk to her about that, but other than that it seems like smooth sailing for the moment.
If you do want a relationship with her at the moment, then it seems you're S.O.L. right now. Continue being friends but forget about any romantic involvement (and don't try to be fuckbuddies when you really want something more from her, that's a recipe for disaster). Maybe in the future something will develop. Maybe it won't. But don't wait around for it.
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On April 19 2017 19:49 LemOn wrote:
Personally I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like a guy to tell me but let her have the chance to do it herself. For me it goes like
1) She tells me beforehand, we discuss that she wants to sleep with other people
=> a good chance of staying together, try a temporary agreement of swinging or an open relationship or a break while working out the issues and see what happens, appreciate her honesty
2) She cheats but within a reasonable amount of (not years but say within few months after?) she tells me herself without much pressure, agrees to show all details and be 100% open with remorse and willingness to work on the relationship
this is how I actually broke up with my longest gf. She just admitted it mid-conversation herself by just me asking questions that she's been cheating for about 4 months pretty elaborately. I gave her the option of showing me all texts, be completely open, she couldn't do that so I told her to leave our apartment we lived in for 3 years. If she did I might have had a pack of half chinese kids now :D
=>probably salvageable
3) I hear it from a random fucking guy who banged here
=> I'd feel humiliated as hell, can't imagine going back from that. I'd wonder how many guys she's done it with as it's pretty damn rare for the guy himself to contact you.
But yeah I guess I'd want to know eventually
Well I'm assuming the guy would be in the dark unless I told him. If I knew she would tell her boyfriend I obviously wouldn't do it. In most cases I personally don't think there is any going back from cheating.
And you'd actually try to research contact details of the guy call him and say "hello sir, I've inserted my genitals in to your wife, have a good day.
HAHA
I had no idea she was married and I wouldn't do such a thing if I had known so, sincerely, anonymous"
I mean it does sound noble, not sure anyone has done that ever, and you never know what's actually happened in the relationship
Obviously you wouldn't go full detective, but if you could within reasonable means get a hold of the guy I would definitely tell him.
Generally when debating this topic people bring up arguments like "Well you don't know what their relationship is like.". Obviously, but if cheating was okay in their relationship he shouldn't mind hearing about it. If it's not he probably is glad even though you only said "I've inserted my genitals in to your wife, have a good day".
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You can force the option letting the wife you cheated with confess or let her explain beforehand. Telling him yourself is almost like a "ha ha, you're such a loser for dating (and marrying) (AND HAVING KIDS) with a cheating wife, look what I did to her".
Her telling the husband is 100% the right way to go, before or after the event happened. Don't tell her yourself. But, like I said in my first line, you do have a hand in making her confess/explain.
So I mostly agree with Lemon here, but that's because I'm also pretty flexible in things like that, while I've seen (and found out with my own gf) that a lot of people aren't willing to show that amount of flexibility to find out what works and what doesn't based on sexuality, people just want classical 1 on 1, which is fine, but a too ingrained idea where the vast majority can't even consider other options.
Maybe I should talk more to couples that have been together (and married) for 20+ years and see what they're idea of openness and/or testing boundaries of relationships are. I think I might be surprised there.
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Yeah I mean come on
especially if you haven't had many partners before and with stages proper long term relationships go through
I think it's really stupid that the absolute norm in society is to cheat rather than...you know...talk openly and try to have an open mind with someone you're with freaking every day for years lol
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Sadly I think communication, while it seems so obvious to me, is often to most difficult part for a lot of people. Admitting something isn't going well or they're unhappy or stuck and being vulnerable (even if it is to your partner) is more difficult than fixing that by taking action behind your partner's back and revitalizing yourself (for the sake of the relationship).
I wouldn't have a clue why this is though. Could be a byproduct of how our society was set up over x generations.
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+ Show Spoiler +On April 19 2017 20:15 Acrofales wrote:
Do you want a relationship now? If not, it's all fun and games, right? She doesn't want a relationship, you don't want a relationship and you are into eachother? Only complicating factor is confusing the kids, so talk to her about that, but other than that it seems like smooth sailing for the moment.
If you do want a relationship with her at the moment, then it seems you're S.O.L. right now. Continue being friends but forget about any romantic involvement (and don't try to be fuckbuddies when you really want something more from her, that's a recipe for disaster). Maybe in the future something will develop. Maybe it won't. But don't wait around for it.
I would not mind a relationship, I'am at my own for almost 2 years now since I broke up with my last gf and sometimes it's getting boring 
From my point of view the kids (6 and 10) are fine with it. They know that i'm around here and there and help out or just hang out with them. They see me as friend I think, as well for themselves as for their mom.
You are prob. right just let it be like it is. If she wants more she maybe will show me some way or another. Other than that I may just keep looking.
Also, what does S.O.L. mean?
Thanks
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A girl I know told me she dated a guy for five years although she and her friends agreed from the beginning it would never work out. Especially since the guy was already in his thirties that was fucking harsh lol...
Women man..
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On April 20 2017 22:54 B.I.G. wrote:
A girl I know told me she dated a guy for five years although she and her friends agreed from the beginning it would never work out. Especially since the guy was already in his thirties that was fucking harsh lol...
Women man..
If you ever wondered what the RL equivalent to those assholes that make your teamgame a huge waste of time would be, look no further.
+ Show Spoiler +Ignoring that she could have unconciously hoped that it would work out/where open about it. If not so: what a terrible human being
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Yeah shes a nice person so there must've been a catch. Maybe the guy was not very serious in the beginning either or something.
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Well at some point the guy could've decided that the relationship wasn't going to be permanent. It's important to be able to recognize when something isn't working out and move on.
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Well sometimes it is working, you're having sort of a great time together
Just know this won't be permanent
Like my Sister was with her first boyfriend, she went to work as au-pair to the US, he cheated on her, he was a pothead too
This was 3 years in. And she stayed with him for another 7 years fully knowing they won't have kids get married etc.
She's not retarded or anything but you simply feel certain way, have status quo for years often it can take very long time to change it even though you've decided it's nor permanent, don't act like people are utility maximising logical beings
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On April 22 2017 19:23 LemOn wrote:
Well sometimes it is working, you're having sort of a great time together
Just know this won't be permanent
Like my Sister was with her first boyfriend, she went to work as au-pair to the US, he cheated on her, he was a pothead too
This was 3 years in. And she stayed with him for another 7 years fully knowing they won't have kids get married etc.
She's not retarded or anything but you simply feel certain way, have status quo for years often it can take very long time to change it even though you've decided it's nor permanent, don't act like people are utility maximising logical beings
In that example they generally aren't fully convinced that it won't work out. They know it, they feel it, but they don't really acknowledge it to themselves, or they just never considered the implications of their actions. They will find excuses, grasp onto false hope etc., usually have intend to make this a lasting relationship. I don’t believe you really find a significant amount of psychological healthy people that hold onto relationships they honestly and fully accepted aren’t what they intend to have forever, that are not morally condemnable. Because ultimately this means you are keeping yourself from getting what you really want. Keeping status quo out of habit/fear is usually nothing else but negotiation with themselves. They think even though they would prefer something better, this is the best they can get or similar fear, just anything that makes it negotiable to them to stick to it. Their actions are excusable for sure and usually when they stop negotiating with themselves and they stop making excuses is the moment they finally realize they have to let it go.
I was not talking about “having a good time” and being open about it, as I posted in the spoilers in my initial post. If to both it is clear that it won’t be forever or if there was intend/hope to overcome the problems that it is fine. But if a person keeps being in a relationship with someone, with no intend to stick with it but to break up at some point, without letting their partner know about it, that person is a huge piece of shit. As stated above, there are factors that make this behaviour excusable, and I believe this is the normal case. Except for those that are in a relationship only so they are not single while they looking for something better, those cases are a bit more common but still in the vast minority I hope
As a more clear analogy: if I secretly never have any intend on having children ever and I am fully aware that I never ever want to have children, even got a vasectomy to make sure, I would be a huge asshole for keeping a relationship with a women, that wants to have children. Because in this case, I know my and her goals and expectations are mutually exclusive and without letting her know I discarded hers in favour of mine thus keeping her from achieving them.
I this case, I wouldn’t be an asshole if I:
- Told her about my intentions to never have children
- I wasn’t sure if I really don’t want any children
- Broke up with her after realizing that I never want children
- Weren’t able to be honest enough with myself to realize that I don’t want to have children, because of my fear to lose her (which would be a bit of an gray area since it would still reflect badly on me, but at least there wouldn’t be any conscious malicious intend)
- Propably some other reason
I don’t really feel there is more to say about it. And sometimes you just have to accept that people you know can be assholes in some ways.
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No she knew she'd eventually break up with him , and did 7years later. I guess you never know for sure though.
And it's not like he proposed to her or told her he wants her only if she's in it forever and if not to leave right now.
People just don't do that tho
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I guess we disagree once again  Different people, different values I guess.
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No I agree , but I'd say most couples aren't honest enough to bring up these periodically and then act on them immediately . "I only intend to date you if we both believe there's no end point /or it is death or at least we both have the intentions to go that distance"
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EPT
