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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
United States43989 Posts
On April 19 2017 14:21 B.I.G. wrote:
Honest question: why would you give a damn about that woman's relationship if you don't even know the guy? Sure it's noble and all but I personally try to limit the circle of people I give a damn about to those people I actually care for and at the very least know of my existence.
I know that makes me sound like an asshole and personally I have never cheated and if someone asked me if they are wrong for cheating on their SO I will certainly tell them yes, but unless you are in a relationship with me or someone close to me it's not my concern.
I wouldn't lose sleep over it but I'd go to the minimum amount of effort needed to send an anonymous email saying "on X date I fucked your wife, I didn't know she was married, sorry bro".
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United States43989 Posts
On April 19 2017 14:28 plasmidghost wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 14:20 Karis Vas Ryaar wrote:On April 19 2017 14:18 plasmidghost wrote:On April 19 2017 13:59 Karis Vas Ryaar wrote:On April 19 2017 10:27 plasmidghost wrote:
Is it normal for your partner to want to spend time away from you?
Also, is it right for people with autism to date? I feel like the burden I've put on my girlfriend is really unfair to her and it's caused her to become incredibly mad at me to where she doesn't want to talk to me for a while well first of all as someone also with Autism I don't see how it's wrong. If you're not compatible your not compatible. I'd say just sit down with her and discuss it when you're both calm and emphasize your working on improving yourself and then decide what you think the best thing to do is. It works a lot better if you think of it as just a personality trait or eccentricity. Also try to avoid making your girlfriend feel guilty if you do bring it up. She got really mad at me and didn't state why and I had to talk to one of her friends to find out what all she is mad at me for, among other things, she says I'm too clingy and that I don't pay enough attention to her (not sure how that works out), that I focus on my computer more than I do her when I'm with her (which I do to try to not be clingy and overbearing on her), that I don't surprise her with anything (which she never told me she wanted me to do) and that I rely too much on my parents (which I have been working on). I am both very depressed and quite pissed off at her for doing this. I told her numerous times during our relationship that it is nearly impossible for me to pick up on what she really wants without her directly telling me, yet she just decides to take a break without even telling me why or what I need to do to become a better boyfriend, despite her knowing full well my emotional issues. Honestly, I feel like if I talk to her, I'm going to end up calling her something to the effect of a heartless cunt, because that's what she's been acting like. I asked quite a few of my friends and her friends if it was selfish of me to want to have my feelings considered and they all said no, so it's her who's being selfish. yeah I didn't really know you're situation so I was talking genrally. In that case yeah sounds like it's not going to work out. sorry to hear it. All you can really do is give it your best effort and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. And if they want you to turn into somebody else obviously that's not how a relationship should work. Throughout our relationship, she has barely considered my feelings, and honestly I've had it. When I see her, I'm going to tell her exactly what I think about how she's been treating me and if she agrees to change, then I will change too. If not, then I guess that's that
Don't do the whole ultimatum thing. Just break up and move on.
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United States43989 Posts
On April 19 2017 14:30 Lssfs234 wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 13:35 KwarK wrote:On April 19 2017 12:14 Lssfs234 wrote:On April 19 2017 10:51 KwarK wrote:On April 19 2017 08:11 Lssfs234 wrote:
I don't know how you were raised or how you see the world but if you ask me sex is just a fun recreational activity for consenting adults. Not that I would hit it myself - I appreciate my drama-free life too much for that. Consent isn't consent without knowledge. If the wife is obtaining the continued consent of the husband through deliberate deceit then that consent is invalid. Are we using consent in the same sense here? When I wrote consent I meant willingly as opposed to forced. Surely, you dont mean to say you think the wife is raping the husbond? If he's having unprotected sex with her on the implied condition of monogamy and she's fucking a bunch of other dudes then I can't really see how it could possibly be argued that consent exists for that. There is no material difference between lying about something to obtain sex you wouldn't otherwise be able to obtain and knowingly withholding important information to obtain sex. Obviously if you don't know your omission is important then there's no mens rea but with fucking other people in a monogamous relationship I think it's pretty clear that it'd be relevant. But I didn't specifically mean sexual consent either way (although it's super fucking rapey to have sex with someone who you know would not want to have sex with you if they had full information). She's taking his time, his money, his affection etc which may be given due to flawed consent. The fact that he's not resisting due to deception doesn't change that. If you found $50 on the floor and asked if anyone had dropped it and I immediately lied and said "yeah, I was looking for that" then I've still stolen $50 when you give it to me. The fact that you gave it to me doesn't change that, your intent wasn't to donate $50 to me, the intent was directly tied to the false claim that I made. This is the same. TLDR: People who care about consent don't cheat (polyamory is fine and not cheating). If you see something, say something. Lets imagine Im at a party and I see a cute girl - she catches me glancing at her - we smile at each other - we end up talking having a good time enjoying ourselves in each other's company etc yadada. At one point she is gone for a brief moment to get us some beer or whatever - while she is gone, a friend of mine approaches me and lets me know that this girl absolutely despices my name and she would never want to make out with someone who has my name. Lets assume I think my friend is being serious about her having some odd strong dislike for my name. So she comes back with beer and goes 'whats your name by the way?' I tell her my name is something else than my name. We end up making out, having sex, actually even getting married and having kids too. She never realizes that I didnt tell her my 'real' name but the two of us live happily ever after and she counts her lucky stars for having such an awesome husbond. Now, by your logic, because I mislead her she was not able to give valid consent - in other words I raped her?
Is this a troll post?
If you know for a fact that the person definitely would not want to be having sex with you if they knew all the information but you don't care about their preferences and deliberately choose to conceal information from them for the purpose of obtaining sex from them through deceit then yes. This isn't complicated. If you know that someone doesn't want to have sex with you then don't have sex with them. If in doubt, ask.
I mean come on. What you're trying to do here is work out the conditions under which it's okay to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you and playing around with "what if they think they want to have sex with you because of a lie but really you know they don't" as if that's some amazing new moral crisis that nobody has ever thought of before. Well it's not. I'll make a list of the conditions under which it's okay to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you below.
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Yeah. If she's made to no effort to reciprocate or try to understand or do any of that I't probably best to just move on. ultimatum's are more for long term relationships when one person needs to be shown that there's a possibility of it ending. the fact she just randomly wanted a break is probably a sign that it's already essentially over.
really though it's hard to say without specifics. If you really feel that the issue is a lack of communication on your end than by all means give it a shot but just make sure your not unfairly blaming yourself. If you feel talking is worth it go for it but don't try to force it and be willing to just call it off.
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United States43989 Posts
Also if at any point your planned defence for if the truth comes out consists entirely of "yes, I get that you're feeling incredibly violated by what I did but technically speaking I didn't technically rape you so there" then you should probably just not do it.
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im interested in what lssfs234's last post was before he got nuked. must have been something great for the immediate ban hammer to come down, even if it was a pbu
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United States43989 Posts
On April 19 2017 15:01 evilfatsh1t wrote:
im interested in what lssfs234's last post was before he got nuked. must have been something great for the immediate ban hammer to come down, even if it was a pbu
Nah, he was just stupid enough not to lie low despite being flagged as a PBU. He's been caught a half dozen times already.
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On April 19 2017 14:21 B.I.G. wrote:
Honest question: why would you give a damn about that woman's relationship if you don't even know the guy? Sure it's noble and all but I personally try to limit the circle of people I give a damn about to those people I actually care for and at the very least know of my existence.
I know that makes me sound like an asshole and personally I have never cheated and if someone asked me if they are wrong for cheating on their SO I will certainly tell them yes, but unless you are in a relationship with me or someone close to me it's not my concern.
If someone was fucking your girlfriend behind your back, would you like to know?
That question should answer it.
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On April 19 2017 07:44 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 06:13 LemOn wrote:
Lol
I went to Meet up about early dating psychology
And boy is dating hard for women past 30 let me tell you can you elaborate
Well it was me, a 30os year old schizoid that never was on a date, a 40sth guy , good looking introvert self development junkie that never had a serious relationship , and 30something girl from Romania/Mauritius upbringing . And in the end we kinda agreed it's hardest for her when it comes to dating. First you're very likely to be hurt at that age as let's face it men front and can do scheezy stuff just to get laid way more so you go date already suspecting the worst after being hurt so many times.
And then there's that brutal expiration date in terms of attractiveness that comes much later for men if ever (loom at Hollywood) and ability to have kids without the associated risks that come with higher age. And pressure from family when you're from a traditional country where that's all her mother talks about when they call each other.
So you have to get over your paranoia while picking the right guy
You have to bring up wanting children soon so you dont waste your time while not coming off as a whacko (she barely knows me and talks about kids already is just like a guy telling her she's the one quickly - obvious they don't care about the person but about the end goal) and not forcing to be with the wrong guy in the first place.
It goes so far that the 40sth guy that was there was one a 1st date, and 40y old rich career driven woman told him she wants a baby this year. And it's either going to be with a guy or a sperm bank .
And then there's the whole thing how it's super easy and totally expected from men to approach women - so we have the choice, and have unlimited amount of it it's just about courage putting the effort etc. Where women have either traditional upbringing so they just believe they can't do that. Or they did try and came off as easy, guys took it the wrong way etc.
So she's in a situation where she wants to settle get a monogamous guy, but doesn't have a choice in who approaches her , and even went to speed dating and got frustrated as the nice guy she'd actually want to end up with now as reliability and family are important would never come over because theyre way too shy around and attractive woman like her.
So yeah being a guy's way easier and I'm glad I'm one , everything 's nice and simple :D
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Jeez, the last 20 posts were something.
imo it's not up to you to decide whether it's cheating or consent. Ask the girl if her hubby approves. If yes it shouldn't hurt too much to tell him just for your good conscience (even though witnessing some open relationships in my circle of friends, it always hurt). If no, better tell him.
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On April 19 2017 15:19 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 14:21 B.I.G. wrote:
Honest question: why would you give a damn about that woman's relationship if you don't even know the guy? Sure it's noble and all but I personally try to limit the circle of people I give a damn about to those people I actually care for and at the very least know of my existence.
I know that makes me sound like an asshole and personally I have never cheated and if someone asked me if they are wrong for cheating on their SO I will certainly tell them yes, but unless you are in a relationship with me or someone close to me it's not my concern. If someone was fucking your girlfriend behind your back, would you like to know? That question should answer it.
I don't expect the guy to tell me and the only reason I might consider telling him is if he turns out to be a friend of a friend or something. As long as the sex is consensual and legal I really don't see a reason for letting their (apparently fucked up) relationship be your problem.
Yes I know that's opportunistic but as horrible as it may sound I've come to learn that giving a fuck when it isn't your problem (in this kind of situation) just makes you miss out on a lot of stuff. Meanwhile those people that actually are opportunistic keep fucking around and their lives are absolutely no worse (or maybe even better) for it. I used to be so anti-cheating I would give my friends shit for it and even leaked some info when female friends of mine were being the victims of my friends cheating on them. The result? The girls didn't want to talk to me anymore because they simply refused to hear their "dream guys" we're doing them like that and the guys we're rightfully pissed because I was being a snitch. Meanwhile the girl I had been dating turned out to be getting side dick practically the whole time and got fucked by one of said guys I thought of as a friend just a week or two after I dumped her because he was understandably being opportunistic.
Flash forward a decade or so and I've hooked up with at least a few women that we're in a relationship or one time even married and I feel even stronger about not concerning myself with the lady's relationship or lack thereof.
I was just 18 when I learned my lesson but boy was it a good one.
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On April 19 2017 10:27 plasmidghost wrote:
Is it normal for your partner to want to spend time away from you?
Yeah
I think it's even a necessity in the long run
a heavily co-dependent relationships hardly work healthily over the long run.
Spending time alone, with friends, life passions is the right way to go while making quality set time for your partner where you do cool things and get each other's full attention
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On April 19 2017 14:28 plasmidghost wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 14:20 Karis Vas Ryaar wrote:On April 19 2017 14:18 plasmidghost wrote:On April 19 2017 13:59 Karis Vas Ryaar wrote:On April 19 2017 10:27 plasmidghost wrote:
Is it normal for your partner to want to spend time away from you?
Also, is it right for people with autism to date? I feel like the burden I've put on my girlfriend is really unfair to her and it's caused her to become incredibly mad at me to where she doesn't want to talk to me for a while well first of all as someone also with Autism I don't see how it's wrong. If you're not compatible your not compatible. I'd say just sit down with her and discuss it when you're both calm and emphasize your working on improving yourself and then decide what you think the best thing to do is. It works a lot better if you think of it as just a personality trait or eccentricity. Also try to avoid making your girlfriend feel guilty if you do bring it up. She got really mad at me and didn't state why and I had to talk to one of her friends to find out what all she is mad at me for, among other things, she says I'm too clingy and that I don't pay enough attention to her (not sure how that works out), that I focus on my computer more than I do her when I'm with her (which I do to try to not be clingy and overbearing on her), that I don't surprise her with anything (which she never told me she wanted me to do) and that I rely too much on my parents (which I have been working on). I am both very depressed and quite pissed off at her for doing this. I told her numerous times during our relationship that it is nearly impossible for me to pick up on what she really wants without her directly telling me, yet she just decides to take a break without even telling me why or what I need to do to become a better boyfriend, despite her knowing full well my emotional issues. Honestly, I feel like if I talk to her, I'm going to end up calling her something to the effect of a heartless cunt, because that's what she's been acting like. I asked quite a few of my friends and her friends if it was selfish of me to want to have my feelings considered and they all said no, so it's her who's being selfish. yeah I didn't really know you're situation so I was talking genrally. In that case yeah sounds like it's not going to work out. sorry to hear it. All you can really do is give it your best effort and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. And if they want you to turn into somebody else obviously that's not how a relationship should work. Throughout our relationship, she has barely considered my feelings, and honestly I've had it. When I see her, I'm going to tell her exactly what I think about how she's been treating me and if she agrees to change, then I will change too. If not, then I guess that's that
Things aren't black and white
You just screwed up big time by holding back how you really felt in the moment and now all the instances built up and now you just want to vomit it all at once at her, make ultimatums and all that toxic stuff
To be honest most of the things seem like typical guy mistakes, and her behaviour typical for most especially inexperienced women and you'll struggle with majority of younger women I'd say there. And as I posted earlier the older ones that do know what they want and would tell you directly have a whole set of other issues they struggle with.
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On April 19 2017 16:16 B.I.G. wrote:
I don't expect the guy to tell me and the only reason I might consider telling him is if he turns out to be a friend of a friend or something. As long as the sex is consensual and legal I really don't see a reason for letting their (apparently fucked up) relationship be your problem.
Yes I know that's opportunistic but as horrible as it may sound I've come to learn that giving a fuck when it isn't your problem (in this kind of situation) just makes you miss out on a lot of stuff. Meanwhile those people that actually are opportunistic keep fucking around and their lives are absolutely no worse (or maybe even better) for it. I used to be so anti-cheating I would give my friends shit for it and even leaked some info when female friends of mine were being the victims of my friends cheating on them. The result? The girls didn't want to talk to me anymore because they simply refused to hear their "dream guys" we're doing them like that and the guys we're rightfully pissed because I was being a snitch. Meanwhile the girl I had been dating turned out to be getting side dick practically the whole time and got fucked by one of said guys I thought of as a friend just a week or two after I dumped her because he was understandably being opportunistic.
Flash forward a decade or so and I've hooked up with at least a few women that we're in a relationship or one time even married and I feel even stronger about not concerning myself with the lady's relationship or lack thereof.
I was just 18 when I learned my lesson but boy was it a good one.
I wouldn't necessarily "expect it". However I would like to know.
If I was going to tell some guy his girl is cheating on her I would just do it anonymously. I don't actually care if he would do anything about it. I would also be wary of telling on people whom I'm friends with, but then again, I probably wouldn't care about being friends with someone who cheats on their partner.
Furthermore, I kind of like to watch the world burn sometimes, so I could probably just do it because "fuck her for being a cunt".
edit:
I saw some quote before. It went something like "Not telling someone they are being cheated on is like not calling the 911 when your neighbours house is on fire." While this obviously isn't a perfect analogy, I think it is the right thing to do to tell the person.
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On April 19 2017 17:36 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On April 19 2017 16:16 B.I.G. wrote:
I don't expect the guy to tell me and the only reason I might consider telling him is if he turns out to be a friend of a friend or something. As long as the sex is consensual and legal I really don't see a reason for letting their (apparently fucked up) relationship be your problem.
Yes I know that's opportunistic but as horrible as it may sound I've come to learn that giving a fuck when it isn't your problem (in this kind of situation) just makes you miss out on a lot of stuff. Meanwhile those people that actually are opportunistic keep fucking around and their lives are absolutely no worse (or maybe even better) for it. I used to be so anti-cheating I would give my friends shit for it and even leaked some info when female friends of mine were being the victims of my friends cheating on them. The result? The girls didn't want to talk to me anymore because they simply refused to hear their "dream guys" we're doing them like that and the guys we're rightfully pissed because I was being a snitch. Meanwhile the girl I had been dating turned out to be getting side dick practically the whole time and got fucked by one of said guys I thought of as a friend just a week or two after I dumped her because he was understandably being opportunistic.
Flash forward a decade or so and I've hooked up with at least a few women that we're in a relationship or one time even married and I feel even stronger about not concerning myself with the lady's relationship or lack thereof.
I was just 18 when I learned my lesson but boy was it a good one. I wouldn't necessarily "expect it". However I would like to know. If I was going to tell some guy his girl is cheating on her I would just do it anonymously. I don't actually care if he would do anything about it. I would also be wary of telling on people whom I'm friends with, but then again, I probably wouldn't care about being friends with someone who cheats on their partner. Furthermore, I kind of like to watch the world burn sometimes, so I could probably just do it because "fuck her for being a cunt". edit: I saw some quote before. It went something like "Not telling someone they are being cheated on is like not calling the 911 when your neighbours house is on fire." While this obviously isn't a perfect analogy, I think it is the right thing to do to tell the person.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
If you would rather live in false bliss with your girlfriend/wife sleeping around behind your back, don't tell. If you'd rather be told that all is not well in paradise, tell. Or even better, if you believe your opinion is the minority opinion, make an informed guess about what the other guy would want (be told or not. Consensus seems to be that they'd want to know, so if you can, let him know).
Of course, logistics make it hard: you don't want to get the shit kicked out of you, so anonymous would be better, but how do you get in touch anonymously unless you already have his contact info. But even non-anonymous, if he's a stranger and all you know is an "oh, by the way, this was fun, but I think you should know I'm married", even knowing who to tell could requires some sophisticated facebook sleuthing.
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Wait
so you go to a bar, sleep with a girl
go on next date
She tells you she's in a relationship that doesn't work but they stay together because of kids/marriage/flat. You immediately stop the date and all contact.
And you'd actually try to research contact details of the guy call him and say "hello sir, I've inserted my genitals in to your wife, have a good day. I had no idea she was married and I wouldn't do such a thing if I had known so, sincerely, anonymous"
I mean it does sound noble, not sure anyone has done that ever, and you never know what's actually happened in the relationship
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EPT
