EPTSo I told her that I won’t come which led to questions that I couldn’t really answer without lying, besides saying that I would rather talk about it at a later point, which led to “So you want to break up?”. Still going to talk with her in person but yeah… that felt really shitty and wasn’t at all how I wanted things to go.
Dating: How's your luck? - Page 919
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
So I told her that I won’t come which led to questions that I couldn’t really answer without lying, besides saying that I would rather talk about it at a later point, which led to “So you want to break up?”. Still going to talk with her in person but yeah… that felt really shitty and wasn’t at all how I wanted things to go. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On March 20 2017 01:40 B.I.G. wrote: Now you should just get it over with and don't let her suffer needlessly by saying "talk about it when we meet eachother". You might've done so already but just don't leave her hanging in uncertainty... After she asked of course I told her that I want to break up with her and didn't let her hang of course. Also asked if she even wants me to still visit her to talk about it. General question for the future: What do you guys think about asking your partner if they preferred their breakup in a certain way? I was under the assumption that doing it in person was always preferable, but one of my sisters told me she would prefer it over text since she wouldn’t be keen on listening in that situation/ wouldn’t want to cry in front of her ex etc. How would you feel if your partner asked you “What would be the best/least horrible way I could break up with you?” (Given it happens in the right context of course, like when you already talking about the relationship or whatever. And articulated in a better way of course). Because knowing this in advance seems very practical to me and even thoughtful since if you have to break up with someone, why not in a way they are most comfortable with? Even if the question itself sounds a bit odd initially I guess. | ||
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Fyodor
Canada971 Posts
Getting over that has not been easy. We were spending virtually every day together so I felt enormously safe emotionally and trusted her 100% blindly. At first she would talk to me about the abuse she had gone through as a child and in her later relationships. I took pity and said that what happened to her was unfair and that it was her turn to be happy. She was happy for a while. Over the last few months I've gotten to know her lying ways. She would talk about what was ok to text and what was not. She had a laundry list of stuff I wasn't allowed to tell other people and she constantly accused me of lying and being inauthentic. She would get mad at me for absolutely anything and often it was contradictory. She would lie to her ex and her mom to get out of watching her daughter for a while. Then she broke up with me and the message made no sense. I then pieced together what had happened and figured out that she was sleeping with her one and only friend. (she has complete and paralyzing social anxiety, I don't) She had broken up with me the day after seeing him. Citing that she didn't feel good about herself. She had used those same words before so that's how I know it went back pretty far. The terrible thing is that she was absolutely incredible in bed and I still masturbate to the thought of her body. I now started seeing someone else. I don't feel the same way about her body or her skills in the bedroom (we only made out so far but it was not great) but everything else feels a lot more right. We have more things in common and she is overall a more stable and balanced person. Our conversations are more natural and she is a million times more intelligent. I just hope I'm still able to be a good person after what happened to me. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On March 20 2017 03:23 Fyodor wrote: I just got out of a 6 month relationship where I've been lied to and cheated on. It ended about a month ago. Getting over that has not been easy. We were spending virtually every day together so I felt enormously safe emotionally and trusted her 100% blindly. At first she would talk to me about the abuse she had gone through as a child and in her later relationships. I took pity and said that what happened to her was unfair and that it was her turn to be happy. She was happy for a while. Over the last few months I've gotten to know her lying ways. She would talk about what was ok to text and what was not. She had a laundry list of stuff I wasn't allowed to tell other people and she constantly accused me of lying and being inauthentic. She would get mad at me for absolutely anything and often it was contradictory. She would lie to her ex and her mom to get out of watching her daughter for a while. Then she broke up with me and the message made no sense. I then pieced together what had happened and figured out that she was sleeping with her one and only friend. (she has complete and paralyzing social anxiety, I don't) She had broken up with me the day after seeing him. Citing that she didn't feel good about herself. She had used those same words before so that's how I know it went back pretty far. The terrible thing is that she was absolutely incredible in bed and I still masturbate to the thought of her body. I now started seeing someone else. I don't feel the same way about her body or her skills in the bedroom (we only made out so far but it was not great) but everything else feels a lot more right. We have more things in common and she is overall a more stable and balanced person. Our conversations are more natural and she is a million times more intelligent. I just hope I'm still able to be a good person after what happened to me. My first real relationship that lasted 6 years ended in a similar cruel fashion, also got cheated on and lied to and 5 of those 6 years we lived together(and also in another relationship after that, even though it was less devastating that time). If you feel like it is still affecting you, it is important to talk about it with your partner. After those 6 years I had big troubles feeling really connected to new partners. I also had difficulties when it comes to trust since I had been so badly burned before. I feel like it is really really important to try your best not to act jealous/mistrusting. You might experience the fear your current partner might cheat on you, like when she is out with friends etc. Resist the urge to ask too much etc, even if you feel uncomfortable about it. It helped me a lot, I feel like most of the damage that first time getting cheated on did is gone by now. I know a few friends who got cheated on/their partners got cheated on previously and they tried to combat the trust issues by telling their partners very detailed what they are doing when going out etc. Most of them still have issues/slight issues, so I feel like you can do that initially, but you have to stop at some point and at least slowly stop doing it. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but every time you realise that you can trust your partner, it gets better. Instead of letting your mistrust dictate the relationship, I think you need to learn to live with it and it slowly will fade away. And even though my example only dealt with cheating, it goes the same for letting your partner get close to you and stuff like that. If it doesn’t work out right form the get go, here you can do small steps as well, until it feels natural again. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On March 20 2017 04:15 LemOn wrote: Well vast majority of the time you fixate on the cheating how bad the girl is you can't trust women yada yada. I'd say if a girl cheats on you when not drunk drugged etc and taken advantage of. it's your responsibility and the cheating part is just a not so important side effect of more important problems you had in the first place Yeah, but that doesn’t help at all. Just like when you got trust issues, knowing you can trust your partner won't help at all. It is like an irrational fear that leaves you scared to death, even though you know it is completely bullshit. The only thing that really helps is a stream of good experiences that contradict your fears. Just like with prejudice. Also, it is not unusual that cheating is simply a sign of dishonesty and selfishness of the person doing so. I am not sure if I misinterpret the "it's your responsibility"-part, but that kind of feels like shifting the blame. There are just people that are dishonest / not open / whatever else and sometimes there would be no realistic way to avoid getting cheated on. You can’t fix problems if your partner won’t tell you and doesn’t give signs so yeah. And of course everyone is impacted differently by it. There is a whole layer what might trouble you. Like not being able to be as open since you don’t feel like being fully able to trust etc. The “can’t trust women”-part is what people of a very basic mind often jump to, but every sensible person I know of, that experienced something similar und suffered from it, had different problems than just having a hurt ego and therefore hates on women. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
That way you will treat each person and relationship individually instead of going into nonsense victim mode or generalise about all women. And I felt the need to post it because so many people around me play victims, complicate things etc. it's both baffling but frankly also entertaining so I want to spark a discussion  | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On March 20 2017 04:31 waffelz wrote: Yeah, but that doesn’t help at all. Just like when you got trust issues, knowing you can trust your partner won't help at all. It is like an irrational fear that leaves you scared to death, even though you know it is completely bullshit. The only thing that really helps is a stream of good experiences that contradict your fears. Just like with prejudice. Also, it is not unusual that cheating is simply a sign of dishonesty and selfishness of the person doing so. I am not sure if I misinterpret the "it's your responsibility"-part, but that kind of feels like shifting the blame. There are just people that are dishonest / not open / whatever else and sometimes there would be no realistic way to avoid getting cheated on. You can’t fix problems if your partner won’t tell you and doesn’t give signs so yeah. And of course everyone is impacted differently by it. There is a whole layer what might trouble you. Like not being able to be as open since you don’t feel like being fully able to trust etc. The “can’t trust women”-part is what people of a very basic mind often jump to, but every sensible person I know of, that experienced something similar und suffered from it, had different problems than just having a hurt ego and therefore hates on women. Well you were with her in the first place, you didn't look for signs, you weren't honest and promoted complete honesty every day you were with her. So yeah, it was my responsibility when I didn't know what I was doing and was very elaborately cheated on years back and so it was yours! You don't have control over what other people do, you do have a complete control over who you choose to be with and how you behave once you realise that dating gets simple real fast Like with the current girl you were with - did you communicate your doubts when they started openly and so you breaking up was no surprise to her whatsoever? | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On March 20 2017 04:15 LemOn wrote: Well vast majority of the time you fixate on the cheating how bad the girl is you can't trust women yada yada. I'd say if a girl cheats on you when not drunk drugged etc and taken advantage of. it's your responsibility and the cheating part is just a not so important side effect of more important problems you had in the first place I honestly think that is bullshit. If you get completely blindsighted it's not your "responsibility" for being cheated on. That is a really messed up way to look at it. I've never been in the situation myself, however I think it would be very easy to turn into captain hindsight and think you should have seen signs of cheating, which you just wouldn't see otherwise. I think it's a very important point, and how you get over being cheated on for good. Not the actual fact of it, but what lead to it, what person you chose to be with in the first place, how you communicated, were honest with each, worked on the relationship, made sure there was reciprocity etc. Given that all of that was there, trust, communication etc. Do you still believe it's your own fault for getting cheated on? | ||
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maybenexttime
Poland5811 Posts
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WarSame
Canada1950 Posts
On March 20 2017 04:36 LemOn wrote: Well you were with her in the first place, you didn't look for signs, you weren't honest and promoted complete honesty every day you were with her. So yeah, it was my responsibility when I didn't know what I was doing and was very elaborately cheated on years back and so it was yours! You don't have control over what other people do, you do have a complete control over who you choose to be with and how you behave once you realise that dating gets simple real fast Like with the current girl you were with - did you communicate your doubts when they started openly and so you breaking up was no surprise to her whatsoever? Lemon, that is nonsense. You can't be a perfect detective on cheating. And even if you could you would only be able to find out after the fact. Some people will cheat in even the most perfect relationships because of failings of their own. That is not the fault of the person they cheated on, and you are engaging in victim blaming by doing so. Could they make the person less likely to cheat by making the relationship even better? Yes, but that person is still prone to cheating, and a relationship will not always be at its best. | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8865 Posts
On March 20 2017 04:15 LemOn wrote: Well vast majority of the time you fixate on the cheating how bad the girl is you can't trust women yada yada. I'd say if a girl cheats on you when not drunk drugged etc and taken advantage of. it's your responsibility and the cheating part is just a not so important side effect of more important problems you had in the first place what the fuck? this is why i dont read this thread anymore | ||
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
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WarSame
Canada1950 Posts
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
The reason I say this is not because I completely agree but I do strongly believe that the loss of this "art" together with the rise of social media and female emancipation are the major cause for so many shitty relationships and unreliability nowadays. And that is largely because -to get back to (what I think was) Lemon's point- we as men are often doing a piss poor job at dealing with this new climate. | ||
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DickMcFanny
Ireland1076 Posts
Just google 'ghosting' or 'shelving' or whatever sociopathic jedi mind trick is 'en vogue' or 'empowering' in any given week. So Lemon is right in a way, if you date a self-proclaimed 'feminist', you only have yourself to blame when she inevitable sticks it to the patriarchy by having the patriarchs sticking (in)to her. | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
If you wan't to talk about one case in specific I'm totally fine with you but women using emancipation to justify super cunty behaviour is on the same level as all men are rapists. You can also google MGTOW and get horror stories about "evil women". Does that make a case for them actually being evil? Not in the slightest. So please reflect on whether what you want to say is broadly applicable or rather directed at individual cases and phrase it that way. Otherwise you just sound like a man who's pride got hurt by a woman who stood up for her own mind. | ||
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DickMcFanny
Ireland1076 Posts
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