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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On March 26 2017 02:11 farvacola wrote:Like I've said here before, TL attracts a particular kind of mindset that oftentimes gets fooled into thinking that life can be ordered into lists and tackled accordingly. Unfortunately, nowhere is that mindset more directly challenged than successful interpersonal communication and relationship making, yet many just double down on their attempt to quantify other people and accordingly rely on generalizations and stereotypes that inevitably rob everyone of their agency. That'd be why the best response to "hey guys, blah blah blah what should I say to this girl" is almost always, "dude, you are in a far better position to make that judgment than anyone on this forum, stop hiding and go find out yourself." 
I'm increasingly finding this, and it's not just on TL, people naturally want to view everything in a black/white manner, because it makes things simpler in their heads, and easier to work with, even if it's fantastically wrong. It's an outdated way to watch television, and it's an outdated way to view the world.
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On March 26 2017 02:25 NewSunshine wrote:Show nested quote +On March 26 2017 02:11 farvacola wrote:Like I've said here before, TL attracts a particular kind of mindset that oftentimes gets fooled into thinking that life can be ordered into lists and tackled accordingly. Unfortunately, nowhere is that mindset more directly challenged than successful interpersonal communication and relationship making, yet many just double down on their attempt to quantify other people and accordingly rely on generalizations and stereotypes that inevitably rob everyone of their agency. That'd be why the best response to "hey guys, blah blah blah what should I say to this girl" is almost always, "dude, you are in a far better position to make that judgment than anyone on this forum, stop hiding and go find out yourself." I'm increasingly finding this, and it's not just on TL, people naturally want to view everything in a black/white manner, because it makes things simpler in their heads, and easier to work with, even if it's fantastically wrong. It's an outdated way to watch television, and it's an outdated way to view the world.
I remember when we all told the guy who who was dating a crack addict single mom who treated him like shit to dump her and move on. I feel pretty good about it, it is ok to make generalizations some times.
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I don't think we were generalizing there, the red flags were pretty clear and specific to the situation.
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On March 26 2017 02:36 farvacola wrote:
I don't think we were generalizing there, the red flags were pretty clear and specific to the situation.
But but you don't know her do you? what about her feelings and what she endured so far? Maybe she truly loves him and will stay clean an never cheat again.
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Personally, I believe that I have dealt with addiction and its consequences enough to recommend that someone take a particular course of action, but in doing so, I realize that my advice will not capture those fringe cases where someone truly acts in a manner contrary to what one would expect. Nevertheless, I think it's pretty clear that there's a world of difference between giving general dating advice and giving someone advice when a loved one is addicted to a drug like crack, heroic, or meth. The latter is an altogether narrower circumstance and though this sounds counterintuitive given popular conception, I think addiction actually makes people more predictable instead of less. The problem ends up being the choices forced on those surrounding the addict and how difficult they tend to be.
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On March 26 2017 02:56 farvacola wrote:
Personally, I believe that I have dealt with addiction and its consequences enough to recommend that someone take a particular course of action, but in doing so, I realize that my advice will not capture those fringe cases where someone truly acts in a manner contrary to what one would expect. Nevertheless, I think it's pretty clear that there's a world of difference between giving general dating advice and giving someone advice when a loved one is addicted to a drug like crack, heroic, or meth. The latter is an altogether narrower circumstance and though this sounds counterintuitive given popular conception, I think addiction actually makes people more predictable instead of less. The problem ends up being the choices forced on those surrounding the addict and how difficult they tend to be.
I mostly agree with you, we are just discussing semantics :p
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On March 26 2017 02:33 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On March 26 2017 02:25 NewSunshine wrote:On March 26 2017 02:11 farvacola wrote:Like I've said here before, TL attracts a particular kind of mindset that oftentimes gets fooled into thinking that life can be ordered into lists and tackled accordingly. Unfortunately, nowhere is that mindset more directly challenged than successful interpersonal communication and relationship making, yet many just double down on their attempt to quantify other people and accordingly rely on generalizations and stereotypes that inevitably rob everyone of their agency. That'd be why the best response to "hey guys, blah blah blah what should I say to this girl" is almost always, "dude, you are in a far better position to make that judgment than anyone on this forum, stop hiding and go find out yourself." I'm increasingly finding this, and it's not just on TL, people naturally want to view everything in a black/white manner, because it makes things simpler in their heads, and easier to work with, even if it's fantastically wrong. It's an outdated way to watch television, and it's an outdated way to view the world. I remember when we all told the guy who who was dating a crack addict single mom who treated him like shit to dump her and move on. I feel pretty good about it, it is ok to make generalizations some times.
I dunno, saying it's a bad idea to date crack addicts who treat you like shit seems pretty specific to me. :p
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On the one hand, "every situation is different and you, as someone who is personally involved, probably know better" is generally the answer to most situations. On the other hand there genuinely are some of those cases where the correct course of action is so obvious to everyone else that it simply needs to be said.
And in all cases the stories make for good humor so they're worth sharing.
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Don't forget that sometimes people just need a place to voice their problems/opinions/stories. Saying something out-loud (online or offline) can sometimes be enough. Sometimes feedback is useful, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it can tell you what you already know, get opinions you might not have thought about, or just feel good knowing that there are people who are at least trying to help.
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I think im gonna give up on the concept of dating and just like move and be a monk or something
this is dogshit
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My girlfriend of 10 months broke up with me in January. Was pretty awful. I'm dating two people right now but not sure I'm really interested in either. : (
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On March 26 2017 12:51 arb wrote:
I think im gonna give up on the concept of dating and just like move and be a monk or something
this is dogshit
Haha, that does seem like a good plan sometimes. I seem to follow the "I can't be arsed to date anymore. Fold and fire up tinder. Go on a few dates. I can't be arsed to date anymore." The cycle is complete and I repeat it.
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On March 26 2017 02:33 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On March 26 2017 02:25 NewSunshine wrote:On March 26 2017 02:11 farvacola wrote:Like I've said here before, TL attracts a particular kind of mindset that oftentimes gets fooled into thinking that life can be ordered into lists and tackled accordingly. Unfortunately, nowhere is that mindset more directly challenged than successful interpersonal communication and relationship making, yet many just double down on their attempt to quantify other people and accordingly rely on generalizations and stereotypes that inevitably rob everyone of their agency. That'd be why the best response to "hey guys, blah blah blah what should I say to this girl" is almost always, "dude, you are in a far better position to make that judgment than anyone on this forum, stop hiding and go find out yourself." I'm increasingly finding this, and it's not just on TL, people naturally want to view everything in a black/white manner, because it makes things simpler in their heads, and easier to work with, even if it's fantastically wrong. It's an outdated way to watch television, and it's an outdated way to view the world. I remember when we all told the guy who who was dating a crack addict single mom who treated him like shit to dump her and move on. I feel pretty good about it, it is ok to make generalizations some times.
I laughed at this.
It was good advice from everyone. I've more or less moved on from that one. I know it would be better in the long run. I just wish she would get it together and not blame being lonely or depressed as a reason to jeopardize her girls. I gotta find my happiness and it's obviously not there.
Moving on to the dating scene for me: Before I placed all my cards on the previous one, it was dry. Not so much as there weren't any options (couple of one night stands), it's just that the vibe is missing a lot of the time. The physical attraction is there, but there's nothing deeper. While it does get irksome, I have kind of come to terms with who I am when it comes to dating. I'm simply too shy to talk to women sober. Lame I know, but it's the truth. I view myself as pretty eccentric and I fumble for words to not give the wrong impression.
Now that I'm single, I think I'll just finish the school year out and see what happens. Getting out of that environment, I think at least, would be a good way to assess my options in the dating realm and see where my best chance to find a mate/partner lies.
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On March 26 2017 00:44 NewSunshine wrote:
I'm surprised this thread didn't just get shut down, you've got victim blaming and misogynistic generalizations all in one page.
As a general rule, it's a terrible idea to make generalizations about anything, but it's especially terrible with dating. I don't know how you can post such ridiculous statements about 'the fundamental nature of women' and feel ok about it.
Hey, B.I.G brought it up, we've disputed it, people came with examples from their own lives where clearly showed the roles are very varied - seems healthy to me?
And of course one single person will generalise - it's his/her view of the world
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On March 27 2017 01:56 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On March 26 2017 00:44 NewSunshine wrote:
I'm surprised this thread didn't just get shut down, you've got victim blaming and misogynistic generalizations all in one page.
As a general rule, it's a terrible idea to make generalizations about anything, but it's especially terrible with dating. I don't know how you can post such ridiculous statements about 'the fundamental nature of women' and feel ok about it. Hey, B.I.G brought it up, we've disputed it, people came with examples from their own lives where clearly showed the roles are very varied - seems healthy to me? And of course one single person will generalise - it's his/her view of the world
Of course, the process of disputing unhealthy generalizations is important - necessary even. But, in and of itself, the act of strolling into a dating thread and blaming the person who gets cheated on, or vilifying feminists just for existing, is not ok.
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If given enough information we can provide good advice, though. Is she nerdy? Do X nerdy thing. Is she active? Do Y active thing. Etc.
EDIT: Thread moved on while I was reading. My bad.
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But guys are we gonna deny the existence of certain consistencies here? I think that what we call experience is nothing more than seeing certain patterns emerge. Guy does this girl does that. Girl says x guy replies y. Maybe callkng them truths is a bit much but I also don't think people are so different that said patterns should just be ignored.
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On March 27 2017 10:34 B.I.G. wrote:
But guys are we gonna deny the existence of certain consistencies here? I think that what we call experience is nothing more than seeing certain patterns emerge. Guy does this girl does that. Girl says x guy replies y. Maybe callkng them truths is a bit much but I also don't think people are so different that said patterns should just be ignored.
People aren't radically different from one another, but while many relationship situations are mostly similar they are also slightly different. Patterns emerge, but they shouldn't color your interpretation of what's going on in front of you, with your current relationship. Dealing with your mate is an awful time to turn your brain off and rely on observations of a pattern. The world has more nuance than most give it credit for.
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On March 27 2017 13:03 NewSunshine wrote:Show nested quote +On March 27 2017 10:34 B.I.G. wrote:
But guys are we gonna deny the existence of certain consistencies here? I think that what we call experience is nothing more than seeing certain patterns emerge. Guy does this girl does that. Girl says x guy replies y. Maybe callkng them truths is a bit much but I also don't think people are so different that said patterns should just be ignored. People aren't radically different from one another, but while many relationship situations are mostly similar they are also slightly different. Patterns emerge, but they shouldn't color your interpretation of what's going on in front of you, with your current relationship. Dealing with your mate is an awful time to turn your brain off and rely on observations of a pattern. The world has more nuance than most give it credit for.
Yeah I see that's fair. I guess it's up to the each of us to decide when your own experience or that of others is relevant.
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EPT
