|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On March 15 2017 07:42 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On March 15 2017 07:32 Artisreal wrote:I can and support your point of not wanting a relationship with so vastly differing investments of the parties involved. As to making the breakup more pleasant, I've never been good at that tbh. Even if put nicely, it hurts, no matter what. Just on a sidenote, I don't think one should search fulfillment in a relationship unless you really desire to be a parent. Although there's always adoption for that as well. My current ideal is one of strenghtening one another while not being dependent, of bringin out the best and accepting the worst. Being happy with oneself and blooming with the other. Not merging together but synergizing. I'm not sure whether I just vastly misinterpretet your first paragraph but I wanted to share my thoughts on that one  By "not being fulfilled" I was trying to say something more along the lines of "it just doesn't feel like it is what I desire/doesn't add to my life what I want from it”. Even though I believe that at a certain point, your relationship naturally becomes a fundamental part of yourself. Definitely not after only 6 month though. Breakups usually always hurt, I won’t be able to change that. I am rather questioning, if I am wrong in assuming somehow signalling it to her won’t make things better.
Signalling it to her on purpose seems weird. If she hasn't picked up on the fact that you have fallen out of love, making things more blatant is just going to make her puzzled and worried. It is obviously going to hurt her either way. If you've made up your mind, it is, imho, best to just get things over with.
|
No way to break her heart gently man. Best you can do is be honest and straightforward. And afterwards be smart and respectful enough to keep your distance and not give her false hope. Be respectful yet curt if she tries to reinitiate contact. Don't accidentally rub her face into you moving on (like facebook posts of a new gf). You live far apart so I guess it will be easier for both of you to not be in eachother's lifes anymore.
Good luck.
|
Last week I attended an interview in Manchester (I applied for an industry sponsored PhD). I was somewhat confused where I needed to step off the bus, and this girl offered to get off the bus a few stops earlier to show me the way. Aside from being good-looking, she was overall really charming and down-to-earth. She gave me her number. I added her on Facebook later on and we had a couple of great conversations. She told me that she hoped I would get the PhD position and move to Manchester, and that at the very least I should visit her some time. Then it turned out she has a boyfriend, as she mentioned that in one of our conversations. Oh well, at least I made a new friend, right? ;-)
Every time I am seriously attracted to a girl, she turns out to be in a relationship. This is really frustrating. I am seriously considering online dating. I've never been a fan of dating as a means of (eventually) finding a relationship, preferring to meet people through my hobbies, the university, etc. but I recently turned 27, and it's getting increasingly hard to find women who are not in a relationship, especially after graduating.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to start? How do I make a good profile? I should probably just google that...
|
On March 15 2017 07:21 waffelz wrote:So yeah… sticking to my plan to just accept there is no better way than to kind of hit her out of nowhere with it, the next time we see each other?
Pretty much I think. There isn't a good way.
On March 15 2017 17:33 maybenexttime wrote:
Last week I attended an interview in Manchester (I applied for an industry sponsored PhD). I was somewhat confused where I needed to step off the bus, and this girl offered to get off the bus a few stops earlier to show me the way. Aside from being good-looking, she was overall really charming and down-to-earth. She gave me her number. I added her on Facebook later on and we had a couple of great conversations. She told me that she hoped I would get the PhD position and move to Manchester, and that at the very least I should visit her some time. Then it turned out she has a boyfriend, as she mentioned that in one of our conversations. Oh well, at least I made a new friend, right? ;-)
Every time I am seriously attracted to a girl, she turns out to be in a relationship. This is really frustrating. I am seriously considering online dating. I've never been a fan of dating as a means of (eventually) finding a relationship, preferring to meet people through my hobbies, the university, etc. but I recently turned 27, and it's getting increasingly hard to find women who are not in a relationship, especially after graduating.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to start? How do I make a good profile? I should probably just google that...
Well that is life. Having female friends is very good though, maybe she can introduce you to some of her single friends!
As for online dating, make sure your photos are really good. Other than that, be original, otherwise you will just be background noise of all other people.
|
On March 15 2017 17:33 maybenexttime wrote:
Last week I attended an interview in Manchester (I applied for an industry sponsored PhD). I was somewhat confused where I needed to step off the bus, and this girl offered to get off the bus a few stops earlier to show me the way. Aside from being good-looking, she was overall really charming and down-to-earth. She gave me her number. I added her on Facebook later on and we had a couple of great conversations. She told me that she hoped I would get the PhD position and move to Manchester, and that at the very least I should visit her some time. Then it turned out she has a boyfriend, as she mentioned that in one of our conversations. Oh well, at least I made a new friend, right? ;-)
Every time I am seriously attracted to a girl, she turns out to be in a relationship. This is really frustrating. I am seriously considering online dating. I've never been a fan of dating as a means of (eventually) finding a relationship, preferring to meet people through my hobbies, the university, etc. but I recently turned 27, and it's getting increasingly hard to find women who are not in a relationship, especially after graduating.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to start? How do I make a good profile? I should probably just google that...
Just say that you just got 2nd. in a dota major and won 200k from playing video games.
|
I gotta get this off my chest. I don't know if anyone will be able to relate or not. I'm not looking for replies or anything, just want to get this off of my mind.
My girlfriend relapsed. She was clean for about 2 years (from what she's told me) and this past week or so she went back. She has a problem with letting bad influences talk her into doing stupid stuff. She wouldn't text or call me for a week. Then on Sunday, we talked on the phone. She didn't say a word, instead I did all of the talking. I asked questions and she would be short. One or two word answers. Maybe a laugh if I coaxed it out of her. She's been telling me to let her go and that she didn't want a relationship any longer. I knew that wasn't the case. There was something else she wasn't telling me. Today she finally comes out and says it. She got high. Meth. I won't lie, my heart still hurts. Luckily I have whiskey to help soothe the pain a bit. I'm more hurt that she didn't talk to me and tell me what the problem was, than anything else.
Everything is telling me to cut her loose and not get involved any further. But I can't leave her in this state. She has two daughters, and I don't want them to be taken away from her because she can't get out of her own way. She has these self-destructive tendencies, where she does something like this every time I'm coming home. As if she thinks by messing up her life will make me leave. I did. A couple times. But we keep coming back to each other. I feel that I can save her. Help her get her stuff together. And I think she knows it as well. But whereas I am ambitious and driven to succeed, she isn't. She doesn't know her worth. So I feel that I have to help her see it.
Not going to lie, I would be sacrificing a lot. I'll break my promise of never moving back to my hometown, but that is where she is at. I could stay here in San Diego and work at firms and get a foot in the door of the design industry. I already have a couple commissions for space planning and furniture design. If I move back, I give up those connections. But that is where she is at. I know I should walk away and cut my losses. Take the pain, internalize it, and move on. But I can't let her go. I don't know what to do. She's pushing me away because she doesn't know how to deal with someone who is successful and driven. She's trapped in that city. I can only hope to be able to convince her to leave with her daughters and move away with me. We'd stay in the state, but not our hometown.
I don't know. Like I said, I rambled on, but I had to get this off my chest.
|
Dude, that sucks.
But:
1) You can't save her, only she can - you can of course support her, but that is entirely different.
2) Why can't she move to San Diego if you are going to convince her to move anyway?
3) Are you really okay with putting aside all of your ambitions? And is she okay with you doing it? It's quite a lot of pressure to put on someone.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
|
On March 16 2017 15:48 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:Show nested quote +I gotta get this off my chest. I don't know if anyone will be able to relate or not. I'm not looking for replies or anything, just want to get this off of my mind.
My girlfriend relapsed. She was clean for about 2 years (from what she's told me) and this past week or so she went back. She has a problem with letting bad influences talk her into doing stupid stuff. She wouldn't text or call me for a week. Then on Sunday, we talked on the phone. She didn't say a word, instead I did all of the talking. I asked questions and she would be short. One or two word answers. Maybe a laugh if I coaxed it out of her. She's been telling me to let her go and that she didn't want a relationship any longer. I knew that wasn't the case. There was something else she wasn't telling me. Today she finally comes out and says it. She got high. Meth. I won't lie, my heart still hurts. Luckily I have whiskey to help soothe the pain a bit. I'm more hurt that she didn't talk to me and tell me what the problem was, than anything else.
Everything is telling me to cut her loose and not get involved any further. But I can't leave her in this state. She has two daughters, and I don't want them to be taken away from her because she can't get out of her own way. She has these self-destructive tendencies, where she does something like this every time I'm coming home. As if she thinks by messing up her life will make me leave. I did. A couple times. But we keep coming back to each other. I feel that I can save her. Help her get her stuff together. And I think she knows it as well. But whereas I am ambitious and driven to succeed, she isn't. She doesn't know her worth. So I feel that I have to help her see it.
Not going to lie, I would be sacrificing a lot. I'll break my promise of never moving back to my hometown, but that is where she is at. I could stay here in San Diego and work at firms and get a foot in the door of the design industry. I already have a couple commissions for space planning and furniture design. If I move back, I give up those connections. But that is where she is at. I know I should walk away and cut my losses. Take the pain, internalize it, and move on. But I can't let her go. I don't know what to do. She's pushing me away because she doesn't know how to deal with someone who is successful and driven. She's trapped in that city. I can only hope to be able to convince her to leave with her daughters and move away with me. We'd stay in the state, but not our hometown.
I don't know. Like I said, I rambled on, but I had to get this off my chest.
You need to ask yourself one question; are you prepared to raise those daughters as a (step)father? Because if not, you are harming literally everyone involved by following this woman and her daughters. When children are involved, stuff like this is about more than a relationship or addiction.
|
Can you not get a restriction order and take the kids? Or something like that i only hear these stuff in movies
|
Sorry to be harsh but you should stay the fuck away from that woman. Notify her parents or her problems so they take care and move on. I'm even more jaded than farva; even if you wanted to raise those kids and she cleans up, I would place extremely high odds on her relapsing and/or cheating on you in the future anyway.
|
I wouldn't even date a mother, let alone a meth addict mother of two. I don't get how people have the time and patience to get so deeply involved in the lives of several other human beings.
And never sacrifice your passion for a woman. Even if she seems to appreciates it now, you have no guarantee that she isn't growing bored of you in a month, or a year, or five. Take it from me, you don't want to end up starting from scratch because you made a partner your whole purpose in life.
|
While I do see the advantages of "pulling throught it together", I have to agree with the posts here that what you describe seems to be way over the average person's head.
Addiction is no joke and giving up life for the other one is as well. Especially if it is not done in consent (like elderly couples promising to care for the other in case of dementia) or where, in this case, she clearly cannot take responsibility for herself.
External help seems paramount here.
Not knowing all variables, but you give up steady income and an existing/flourishing business network to more or less take custody oft two children and a possible partner that does you no good. That's a recipe for struggle. 
|
Hard to tell, but she sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. Read up on it and see whether it matches. If it does, bail bail bail - people who suffer from it very rarely change, and if they do it's after years of intense therapy. I also recommend reading up on codependency to see if you match that - it's very common.
Even if not, this person was damaged before you met them and will be damaged after you leave them. It sucks to care about someone who is self-destructive so much, I know. But you almost certainly can't save them, and it's very unlikely to make you happy either.
You really need to inform her parents or someone else for the sake of the children however.
|
On March 15 2017 17:33 maybenexttime wrote:
Last week I attended an interview in Manchester (I applied for an industry sponsored PhD). I was somewhat confused where I needed to step off the bus, and this girl offered to get off the bus a few stops earlier to show me the way. Aside from being good-looking, she was overall really charming and down-to-earth. She gave me her number. I added her on Facebook later on and we had a couple of great conversations. She told me that she hoped I would get the PhD position and move to Manchester, and that at the very least I should visit her some time. Then it turned out she has a boyfriend, as she mentioned that in one of our conversations. Oh well, at least I made a new friend, right? ;-)
Every time I am seriously attracted to a girl, she turns out to be in a relationship. This is really frustrating. I am seriously considering online dating. I've never been a fan of dating as a means of (eventually) finding a relationship, preferring to meet people through my hobbies, the university, etc. but I recently turned 27, and it's getting increasingly hard to find women who are not in a relationship, especially after graduating.
Does anyone have any advice as to how to start? How do I make a good profile? I should probably just google that...
I would definitely not be a friend with a girl I'm attracted to strongly, will just lead to co fusion etc. I'd just simply tell her the nice thing you mentioned that she's attractive and to give you a call if anything changes 
Lately so many people in my life have these "friends" "ex but boning her" "it's complicated etc." Not sure why people need to complicate stuff so much
|
And meth girl - yeah you gotta go!
|
On March 16 2017 17:07 Ghostcom wrote:
Dude, that sucks.
But:
1) You can't save her, only she can - you can of course support her, but that is entirely different.
2) Why can't she move to San Diego if you are going to convince her to move anyway?
3) Are you really okay with putting aside all of your ambitions? And is she okay with you doing it? It's quite a lot of pressure to put on someone.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
I didn't mean to come across as white knighting. I just know that her current place is just full of enablers. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, but literally no one in her family is trying to help her or get her to get help. San Diego is way to expensive and is only getting more expensive. I'm moving back to my home state to save money and get things rolling. If all goes in the general direction I see it going, then I can afford to move back here in a few years. Or stay where I am. My ambitions aren't being put to the side. I'd just have to shift focus and the nature of what I do. Everything is still achievable no matter where I am. So that was never in question. I just lose some of the connections I have made here.
You need to ask yourself one question; are you prepared to raise those daughters as a (step)father? Because if not, you are harming literally everyone involved by following this woman and her daughters. When children are involved, stuff like this is about more than a relationship or addiction.
I am prepared. That's the simple answer. I know that the kids are more than the two of us and her problems, but I can't do anything about it if I'm not wanted and she doesn't want the help.
Can you not get a restriction order and take the kids? Or something like that i only hear these stuff in movies
Not my kids. I have no legal right to those kids. And their father is in prison but their grandmother would take them. Which is honestly not ideal either. It's not removing them from the problem.
Sorry to be harsh but you should stay the fuck away from that woman. Notify her parents or her problems so they take care and move on. I'm even more jaded than farva; even if you wanted to raise those kids and she cleans up, I would place extremely high odds on her relapsing and/or cheating on you in the future anyway.
I know I should. I have. After the drunken stupor wore off, I made it definitive. I had been mulling this over for a long time now. And I think it's best for me. Looking out for number 1 is always the priority. Self-preservation and all that. I tend to have a hard time putting myself before others, so it makes choices like this, while seemingly easy to most logical people, more difficult for me. I know what you mean and I am not disillusioned to the possibilities of her relapsing and cheating. It is a strong possibility. But I think that lowers significantly if she would just leave that place. There's a parallel story to this that involves my own mother, so I know how it all plays out.
I wouldn't even date a mother, let alone a meth addict mother of two. I don't get how people have the time and patience to get so deeply involved in the lives of several other human beings.
And never sacrifice your passion for a woman. Even if she seems to appreciates it now, you have no guarantee that she isn't growing bored of you in a month, or a year, or five. Take it from me, you don't want to end up starting from scratch because you made a partner your whole purpose in life.
That has been my #1 rule forever. Never get involved with a mother. That is a lot of history and baggage that I don't really want to deal with. But this girl and I, we have history. That's what makes it so difficult, if that makes sense. I can stand to be alone for only so long, before I need companionship that doesn't walk on four legs.
My passions are malleable in that I have options. Starting over wouldn't be the problem, it's the capital that would be needed to start over.
I would definitely not be a friend with a girl I'm attracted to strongly, will just lead to co fusion etc. I'd just simply tell her the nice thing you mentioned that she's attractive and to give you a call if anything changes
Lately so many people in my life have these "friends" "ex but boning her" "it's complicated etc." Not sure why people need to complicate stuff so much
I'm not friends with any women I'm strongly attracted to. It plays out just like you described. I try to look past that, but then you send signals and people call you and "asshole" "jerk" "conceited" etc. I just let things play out as they must.
Thank you everyone. I had already made up my mind and I was just tired of rolling this all in my head. Your inner voices and demons are stronger than many people seem to realize. The heart is also a piece of work. What we think we want and desire most, isn't what is good for our survival or to thrive. While I know that things have an 80-90% of working out with this girl if I'm there to help, I also don't need the gray hair. We have history, and it's long. I think the hardest part is cutting her off completely. Not taking any phone calls or texts. I'll always have a soft spot for her and I know I'll probably do something stupid in the future. But for the moment, a lot of weight and stress has been lifted. I was prepared and making all necessary steps to get into that fire.
Again, thanks.
|
On March 17 2017 00:27 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 16 2017 17:07 Ghostcom wrote:
Dude, that sucks.
But:
1) You can't save her, only she can - you can of course support her, but that is entirely different.
2) Why can't she move to San Diego if you are going to convince her to move anyway?
3) Are you really okay with putting aside all of your ambitions? And is she okay with you doing it? It's quite a lot of pressure to put on someone.
Best of luck with whatever you decide. I didn't mean to come across as white knighting. I just know that her current place is just full of enablers. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, but literally no one in her family is trying to help her or get her to get help. San Diego is way to expensive and is only getting more expensive. I'm moving back to my home state to save money and get things rolling. If all goes in the general direction I see it going, then I can afford to move back here in a few years. Or stay where I am. My ambitions aren't being put to the side. I'd just have to shift focus and the nature of what I do. Everything is still achievable no matter where I am. So that was never in question. I just lose some of the connections I have made here.
If you aren't ready to fully commit to this woman and see her through her addiction, you will be yet another in what looks like a long line of enablers.
|
2years since my GF btw guys (we spent hours together on St Patrick's day party where we met, first kiss....error I kissed her she licked and bit me. Easy to Denver anniversary yay!)
Still going strong although she has doubts about my unstable career, doesn't want to rent but mortgage straight away ideally when well live together for the first time, which I know is a big nono.
But you know, I love her to bits, we are compatible like crazy so I hope our she'll be a part of my life for a very long time.
Have a cheesy gift personally made and some lingerie. Oh boy is buying that frustrating!
|
On March 17 2017 00:30 farvacola wrote:Show nested quote +On March 17 2017 00:27 ZerOCoolSC2 wrote:On March 16 2017 17:07 Ghostcom wrote:
Dude, that sucks.
But:
1) You can't save her, only she can - you can of course support her, but that is entirely different.
2) Why can't she move to San Diego if you are going to convince her to move anyway?
3) Are you really okay with putting aside all of your ambitions? And is she okay with you doing it? It's quite a lot of pressure to put on someone.
Best of luck with whatever you decide. I didn't mean to come across as white knighting. I just know that her current place is just full of enablers. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, but literally no one in her family is trying to help her or get her to get help. San Diego is way to expensive and is only getting more expensive. I'm moving back to my home state to save money and get things rolling. If all goes in the general direction I see it going, then I can afford to move back here in a few years. Or stay where I am. My ambitions aren't being put to the side. I'd just have to shift focus and the nature of what I do. Everything is still achievable no matter where I am. So that was never in question. I just lose some of the connections I have made here. If you aren't ready to fully commit to this woman and see her through her addiction, you will be yet another in what looks like a long line of enablers.
I was. 110% committed. She wasn't. And I can't force her. So what do you do then?
|
You realize that prolonging this thing is actually the lesser choice when compared with cutting things off imo.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
