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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On February 18 2017 08:29 Acrofales wrote: If it's a ons then why do you care? You won't see her again anyway. Well depends on the way you see it, you can definitely turn a ons into fuck buddy etc. I guess that goes against the "one night stand" princinple I guess  . But nom sayin? | ||
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
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twofish
15 Posts
During the last two weeks I've been meeting the girl mentioned earlier almost daily and things have slowly but steadily escalated quite naturally. Initially I just continued meeting her in order to spend some more time together and to sort out my thoughts. Eventually I took my chances and started creating possibilities for something to happen, although I was kind of careful not to force anything, especially not on my home turf. Luckily she wasn't quite as shy as me and escalated things herself. Overall, it's been a very exciting time! Now we're at the awkward crossover point into relationship territory. From her side, she seems to be sure and hasn't been shy about letting me know about it. I've been somewhat more hesitant, simply because I've never been in this situation before. Right now I'm enthusiastic about her and am inclined to pursue her further (although there are some things nagging me), but I don't quite know how it'll play out. I'm somewhat scared that the initial excitement will wear down eventually and that I then might lose interest. If that happens, I fear that she'll be quite hurt and that I'd have wasted her time :/. Weird. I guess I'll just pursue her and find out. On a somewhat more self-reflective note, all the years of inaction didn't really bother me much at the time -- I just hadn't come across the right person yet. However, my one big lingering fear was that I'd mess it up when actually meeting said person, either due to lack of experience or even lack of trying. I'm happy to report that this hasn't been the case, and things just seemed to work effortlessly even despite my inexperience. So, I guess there is hope after all  | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
Be excited and happy to see her. Never take things for granted. Be honest when you're not in a good mood. Don't fake too many smiles. Don't envision desaster, envision good times so they may be realized. Ask open questions and be confident in the continuated pursuit of your own interests. Develop as two individuals. Should the initial excitement subside, ask yourself whether the reasons for excitement still exist, if so, no need to have the relation lose its spark. bonne chance further! | ||
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SCC-Faust
United States3736 Posts
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
- I don't want to meet just about anyone, indeed - I do feel extremely uneasy while receiving a no-hand blowjob. When I found myself thinking about Abraham Lincoln (don't ask...) during the act, I told myself to not try this again for a long time, because I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can either choose to keep suffering, or make her think she's doing something wrong. - Sex itself is not that satisfying to me, than the whole act of intimacy. Also, she was rather surprised at how I acted during sex. She later said I was... mhm, what's the word... sensual, and she liked it. Okay, I guess. On and off, but I still continued with this online dating thing, just spammed "yes" at everyone, then talked to the ones I got matched if they were at least semi-attractive, unless I was way too kinky, because then everyone flew. But I never really intended to meet any of them, my mind was satisfied with knowing that I could if I wanted to, then ghosted them, or came up with some bullshit. Until a few days ago, when not only I got matched with someone who looked A+ in my books, she even messaged me first. If a girl messages me first, then I expect it to be some fake bullshit. She even started with "would you tell me about yourself?", and I had none of that shit, so I just told her that maybe both of us should do the talking. She said sure, and immediately dropped the bomb on me that I should be aware that she has a child (9 months), so if it's a no-go, it better be settled at the beginning. Here we fucking go, right?! Not exactly... Now, she is obviously damaged goods; had a terrible upbringing, and I've stumbled upon her website, where she shares her poems and some blogging style random stuff. In one of these, she was pretty honest about herself; she wrote more or less the following: - she considers her look average - at least among all her issues, having a terrible self-image is not one of them; so many girls think they are straight out ugly... - regrets not experiencing letting herself go enough, and went on to kinda blame not being too fond of (and tolerant to) alcohol and not using any other stimulants - I think this is the biggest issue. For various reasons, she kept living in her bubble, while wanting to do and experience stuff. - she doesn't find her place - well, that's a bit melodramatic here imo, because many people in their early 20s have this - she has no friends (or family) - I suppose she was too weird to be hang around with, and from the way she phrases, I believe she has a grudge (or rather, envy) with socially successful people, especially other girls. - her life lacks impulses which could keep her attention - the culmination of everything said above - concludes that complaining a bit is not necessarily bad, and sharing it with others can actually help her My unqalified psychoanalysys is that her beyond terrible childhood made her socially inept, and rather than trying her earnest to somehow fit in, she sheltered herself and embraced being that girl, brewing hatred against society and its people, while living her life in her head - she did have a good friend though in highschool. I believe she was with the father of her child for 4 years, so they made the baby after 3 years, which utterly terrible decision could be explained through her wanting something she never actually had herself: a family. When you live at least a semi-active life, then you probably have better things to do at 20 than start a family. But if you live in your own world (not sure how her then boyfriend could not show her the world), then you can think "might as well". As a side note: so many women on that site, who had a baby in their early 20s then their relationship plummeting like the great depression. I truly don't understand it. Every time I ask "there was ZERO signs of him [the father] being like this?!" and the answer is always "no". I refuse to believe that. Anyhow, despite all of these baggages, she carries herself rather well. She hasn't tried to drown me with desperate stuff yet, or searching for some validation, and thank God she never talks about her son. "Oh my god, he just did this and that!!!!" - that would be an instant turn off; I don't care about that, and I shouldn't know about it, as she is supposed to be looking for someone who is interested in her and not her baby. She definitely thinks and acts as a special snowflake, but that's hardly surprising, given her situation. She definitely thinks she is smarter than she actually is, but that doesn't mean that she's stupid. I can't say whether or not she is an intelligent person just after a few days, but I personally enjoy our conversations, and so far, I have not found myself a.) rolling my eyes b.) not being interested in the things she brought up. Either way, she needs to expand herself more, because having a worse start at life than most, and missing out on things which others take for granted does not make you entitled to be smart. I believe this is a common problem for introverted people. Now, I know, I know, this thing already has an end date on it, because of the child. But I am hoping to have a kind of relationship that's beneficial for both of us. I don't want to save her, and that's my biggest fear before our first meeting: I absolutely need her to be able to carry herself. So far, she seems capable, but with all those red flags, I have to be prepared for some possible crazy. I don't mind her having a shitty past or being lost in the present, but if she lacks the strength to function alone and at least tolerate herself, then that's a burden I am not willing to take on. However, I do intend to - and that's already needlessly far thinking, I know - broaden her horizons and make her loosen up socially. I don't want to make friends for her, but I would like her to be in a place where she is capable of doing so. I don't care about bad habits and stuff, but not having friends is not like being stubborn. On my side? Well, I never actualy had a girlfriend experience (not talking about what hookers do). It was always either me being over the moon for someone, and then messing it up, or having a sexual relationship, where I just could not imagine ever being more wth the other person, because (aside other things) their personality just did not click with me. I enjoy talking with her, I like having some niche shared things, and it's great that an actual wooing process looks natural. Ie. no sexual innuendos after 30 minutes of talking, just genuine curiosity for one another. I should probably note that her looks and personality are terrifyingly similar to the girl I had (have?..) oneitis for. Same latina vibe, same eye color, same hair color, same damaged personality, similar stubborn, condemning view on society and so on. The one big difference is that the other girl was extremely promiscious, while this one is more reserved. I mean, seems more reserved; she might have all kinds of chains in her bedroom, but she sure as hell does not resonate any sexual energies. It's kinda like a time machine. I had the almost same exact girl having some serious crush on me, straigh out telling me to have sex with her, to which I said no - the only thing I did in my life that still torments me some nights before sleep -, and now it's like I got another shot at it. Needless to say, this fact is not insignificant for me at all, so I did not even bother trying to be in denial about it. But hey, as godawfully terrible it might sound for you, it's been an awul-fucking-while I ever felt so interested in someone in a non-sexual way as well (ignoring girl acquintances, but that's entirely different). I don't know if there's any way that this can end reasonably well, but here goes nothing. (Everything should be clearer after the first date; maybe by Sunday I think back of this post and just say LMAO :D ) Edit: I should probably ensure everyone that I do not pity her. I don't want to validate everything she thinks about the world, people, etc. That's what I meant by that I want her to be able to carry herself. If she needs me to tell her that she is right, then it's a no go. | ||
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Laurens
Belgium4557 Posts
Amongst your rambling you must've listed at least 10 red flags, and you acknowledge this yourself later. Yet you still want her as a girlfriend? But at the same time you already know it won't last? And somehow this experience is going to be beneficial for both of you? HOW? You can try to broaden her horizons and get her a social life without entering a relationship and potentially breaking her heart, have you considered that? | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
On February 22 2017 23:04 Laurens wrote: I call that a "Classic Volband". Amongst your rambling you must've listed at least 10 red flags, and you acknowledge this yourself later. Yet you still want her as a girlfriend? But at the same time you already know it won't last? And somehow this experience is going to be beneficial for both of you? HOW? You can try to broaden her horizons and get her a social life without entering a relationship and potentially breaking her heart, have you considered that? You are absolutely right, I should've stressed the experience in girlfriend experience. I don't want to mislead her, but I have to be delicate telling her how I am both highly intrigued by her looks and mind, but I don't want a relationship in its classical meaning. I don't know what it's called, and I don't even want to give a name of it. Let's settle with that I'd like to be with her. What am I supposed to do, in your opinion? Should I tell the very definition of my perfect crush to sod off, because it won't and can't last forever? A friend of mine moved in with his Big Love after being together for years. Broke up after a week. That's all right, but I have to let go of her before even trying anything? If you want me to go crazy, that's a very good way to do it. | ||
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
On February 22 2017 23:23 Volband wrote: What am I supposed to do, in your opinion? Should I tell the very definition of my perfect crush to sod off, because it won't and can't last forever? I've done that before. It's painful for both sides involved but I do think it's important to be mindful of the fact that it's not a good thing to fuck with people's feelings and it's only going to be worse later. Not saying it's easy, but sometimes it's necessary. | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
I really don't get it. So many shallow relationships are out there, but I should take the high road, because you know she is better off without me. I appreciate the honest replies, this is just me expressing why I don't find them quite fair. | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
I'd say the latter and would encourage you to do so. It sounds like if you don't match on a relationship basis you might as well become friends. I don't understand your remark about being an inconsiderat asshole if it won't work out. Did you say something of her searching for someone to rely on? To help raise the child? I must've missed that then. | ||
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
On February 22 2017 23:52 Volband wrote: If I'd settle with a random girl right now who I think is "all right, I guess" and break up after 1,5 years then it would be fine. If I start dating with another girl, we visit each others' places and have sex on a somewhat regular basis, talk a lot, etc., but after 1 month, when she says she wants to make this more serious, I say no, we break up, then it would be fine. But if I go out with the girl I talked about, and after 1 month she says she wants to make this more serious, I say she needs to know this can't last forever, we break up, then I am an inconsiderate asshole. I really don't get it. So many shallow relationships are out there, but I should take the high road, because you know she is better off without me. I appreciate the honest replies, this is just me expressing why I don't find them quite fair. You're not necessarily an inconsiderate asshole. You can make your own choices in this case and it's to some extent her responsibility to understand that. It would be responsible not to tell her that it won't last at some point. It's never pleasant. I know how it feels for that to happen because it's happened to me in the past. But if it can never work, being unable to admit it will just make it worse in the future. One girl who I really liked, who realized that religious differences were significant enough that it was never going to work... well let's just say that if she were a bit more upfront about it then it would have been less painful. Would have spared me a year's worth of pitiful, miserable chasing after an illusion. I can't really blame her though, because it was clearly quite hard for her to admit it to herself. | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
Too much sodium and hatred. I'll write it up (hopefully) coherently eventually. | ||
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Sunjino
United States37 Posts
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Acrofales
Spain18291 Posts
Also, the "maybe" is a "no", but she is not cruel enough to say it to your face. You need to give up any hope of getting back together. The more you cling to that idea, the more you get in your own way. | ||
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Titusmaster6
United States5937 Posts
On February 28 2017 17:29 Sunjino wrote: Broke up with my girl(1year) and its been 6 months since. Between the 6 months I've been in and out of clubs trying to fill the void with alcohol and just partying. We broke up bc I became insecure and accused her of fictional claims of caring about other men. Visited her at work last week on an attempt to get her back, got vague answers of maybes to my invitation to catch up over lunch/dinner. Am I putting myself in a toxic situation by not moving on? I wait every night hoping to receive a Yes/No since I'm in limbo with a hard "Maybe". Let it go and dont see her or message her for many months at least. Try not to make the same mistakes again. gl | ||
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Sunjino
United States37 Posts
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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jojamon
133 Posts
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