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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On February 14 2015 01:17 farvacola wrote:
He's not the one being self-righteous. Maybe this isn't a thing in Germany, I couldn't say, but here in the states, and elsewhere in Europe apparently, men who kiss and tell as you do are a dime a dozen and oftentimes pathological liars. That you've confessed to alcoholism elsewhere on this board just adds to the image. So yeah, that posters regularly react to your not so humble brags with distaste shouldn't surprise you.
I bragged once in this thread, last summer, when I was really happy with a girl for several months.
When I tell this thread about my misadventures, if you payed any attention you will notice none of them ended happily, that's pretty much the opposite of bragging.
And 'alcoholism' is taking it a notch or five too far. I haven't had a drink in four months or so and haven't even missed it, easiest thing I ever did.
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United States15275 Posts
On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:
Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her.
And if you held your cards to your chest, the relationship would have atrophied into nothing worth having. It was a good decision to end it even if she was hurt during the process. Now you must ask yourself why you put yourself in this position in the first place. Introspection is often masturbation, but you have a history of doing this and it's time to figure out why.
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On February 15 2015 03:42 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:
Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her. Introspection is often masturbation, but you have a history of doing this and it's time to figure out why.
There isn't much introspection to be had. I'm horny and alone, that's why I'm fucking around.
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United States15275 Posts
On February 15 2015 05:48 SixStrings wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2015 03:42 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:
Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her. Introspection is often masturbation, but you have a history of doing this and it's time to figure out why. There isn't much introspection to be had. I'm horny and alone, that's why I'm fucking around.
Then what you just posted would have never happened. But sure...I suppose all those past posts were just coincidences.
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On February 15 2015 06:16 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2015 05:48 SixStrings wrote:On February 15 2015 03:42 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:
Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her. Introspection is often masturbation, but you have a history of doing this and it's time to figure out why. There isn't much introspection to be had. I'm horny and alone, that's why I'm fucking around. Then what you just posted would have never happened. But sure...I suppose all those past posts were just coincidences.
I don't follow.
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Northern Ireland24385 Posts
On February 14 2015 17:14 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On February 14 2015 10:03 Wombat_NI wrote:
Super fucking annoyed lol. My life is generally pretty shitty and I met someone who was a real ray of light in an otherwise barely tolerable existence.
Only issue is she's not an EU citizen and visa issues are rearing their head. There is fuck all I can do which only adds to my annoyance. Worst part is regardless of my feelings for her she's driven as fuck and just wants to work, she's very competent at a variety of things and she's essentially having to go to 'study' English just to stay in the country on a student visa.
It's proving a fucking strain atm, I wouldn't care particularly if it was some casual thing but she's one of the loveliest people I've ever met, is good with my son, plays games with me and likes the same films, plus is really hot.
Anyone know any good visa workarounds? :p
Well Marriage is one solution? Not sure how long are you together tho. Btw is she like way more driven than you are? That could cause some issues down the line no? And going to the gym and becoming more focused on a career for the sake of the girl not because you actually want to from within is hardly a good plan I believe
The problem with me was fatherhood and my ex fucking me over at every potential opening. I bust my ass to try to keep things working, had access withdrawn and had other issues in that sense.
The issue isn't with my current partner so much as dealing with my ex and her shit. I've been working 6/7 days and minding my son the other so it's difficult to fit in time for the gym and the likes
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Northern Ireland24385 Posts
Also apart from her stubbornness about such things, even if I married her it genuinely woudn't necessarily guarantee her ability to stay in the country.
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@Sixstrings:
I'm not judging you but honestly I don't really understand how you can put yourself in a position like that. You are right nobody can do the right thing 100% of the time but how can you end up in a relationship like that. I understand that it's hard to know when to quit when you been with someone for a long amount of time but if you realize that you are not really into someone right after a couple of weeks or days how can you keep on going?
I'm also asking this because i suspect my inability to understand your behavior is also part of the problem why I am seemingly unable to open up emotionally aside from the fact that I'm still hung up on one girl anyway.
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United States15275 Posts
On February 15 2015 07:07 SixStrings wrote:
I don't follow.
When something happens once, it can be chalked up to an exception. When it is a pattern (and you admit this at the top of the page), then circumstances alone don't account for it.
"Horny and alone" is your rationalization for fucking around. The first one is eyerollingly obvious; unless you are an addict or emotionally broken, sex drive is going to be the prevailing reason. Alone, well...why is that? Never mind questions about friends and family, why is your life a revolving door for these women? They met you, get to know a little about you, and are promptly booted back into the cold. If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place? Why engage in behavior that has been proven to leave you discontent and miserable?
It's worth thinking over.
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On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:Show nested quote +On February 14 2015 07:05 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 14 2015 00:45 SixStrings wrote:
I've been seeing the same girl since ... must be December and I'm eternally grateful that Valentine's isn't a thing here. She's staying the weekend and I'd hate to have any obligation of doing stuff or giving her insincere gifts...
To be honest, I thought of breaking it off a couple of times, but she's just the kind of person you don't want to hurt. Have you considered that you may be hurting her every day you refuse to clarify where she stands with you? It's very hard for me to believe that you have her best interests in mind when your definition of 'right action' is equivalent to inaction. Not to mention, you are insulting her every time you imply she is too fragile to endure and learn from sadness. She is a person existentially separate from you, not an actress in your personal narrative in need of coddling or rescuing. Of course I have considered that and of course Ghostcom was right in attacking me. I was acting like a craven and I was doing her no good, but he hit a sore-spot and I resent people who pretend to be able to do the right thing 100 per cent of the time. Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her.
I'm honestly impressed by you. It isn't easy to come clean, but we owe it to those we care about (and you obviously cared about her). Good job, you did the right thing.
EDIT: Calling lifelong marriages for the worst lies is probably the biggest bullshit I have yet to see Cosmic write. I'm sorry you have such a bleak outlook on the union of two people who care for each other, but honestly it says more about you than about marriage. Perhaps it was time for some of that self-reflection you so happily recommend others?
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i dont know if cosmic is a shrink or he just thinks he knows a lot about the human mind, but a lot of the stuff he says makes it seem like humans are robots. according to him we pretty much all act in a finite number of ways and there is logic that justifies every action we take.
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On February 16 2015 08:41 evilfatsh1t wrote:
i dont know if cosmic is a shrink or he just thinks he knows a lot about the human mind, but a lot of the stuff he says makes it seem like humans are robots. according to him we pretty much all act in a finite number of ways and there is logic that justifies every action we take.
I kinda believe that every human action (save for those with mental illnesses) is deliberate and justified from the person's perspective at some level. It might not even be obvious to the person making the decision or taking the action but I don't think humans do things randomly or 'just because' - there is usually some underlying motivation.
I suppose you could view humans as being really inefficient and inaccurate robots though =P
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On February 16 2015 07:07 CosmicSpiral wrote:If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place? Why engage in behavior that has been proven to leave you discontent and miserable?
It's worth thinking over.
Hmm. My view is both similar and different. I'd take the other approach.
If you want a romantic relationship and you are still engaging girls that don't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship then:
a) You're creating your own problems and wasting your own time; so
b) Stop complaining about it.
If the need to have sex is greater than your want for a fulfilling relationship then at least accept that you want sex more than a relationship and stop complaining?
Otherwise identify that the current approach is not working and start making changes. However, unless you're making changes then complaining is pointless and kinda frustrating to listen to.
Also, if you're choosing people for sexual purposes, perhaps get less emotionally attached because it's probably going to end at some point or another.
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On February 16 2015 09:26 Yoz wrote:Show nested quote +On February 16 2015 08:41 evilfatsh1t wrote:
i dont know if cosmic is a shrink or he just thinks he knows a lot about the human mind, but a lot of the stuff he says makes it seem like humans are robots. according to him we pretty much all act in a finite number of ways and there is logic that justifies every action we take. I kinda believe that every human action (save for those with mental illnesses) is deliberate and justified from the person's perspective at some level. It might not even be obvious to the person making the decision or taking the action but I don't think humans do things randomly or 'just because' - there is usually some underlying motivation. I suppose you could view humans as being really inefficient and inaccurate robots though =P
yeah normally all our actions may have logic behind it, but when it comes to emotions logic doesnt apply. i think its pretty well accepted that emotions cause humans to do and react in manners that just logically dont make sense. i dont mean to be sexist here, but women are a perfect example of people who think irrationally and stuff because their emotions get the better of them. also, its probably why love is such a common theme in books, movies etc. The strongest emotion felt by humans makes people act on instinct rather than logic. you can try and justify someones actions when they arent emotionally affected by something, but the moment emotions are involved rational thinking can easily go out the window. this is why i dont agree with so many things cosmic says. this is the dating thread, the people who visit this thread are emotionally high already and trying to analyse and breakdown every action and thought into a logical manner just doesnt work.
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On February 16 2015 07:07 CosmicSpiral wrote: If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place?
Well, that might be the most obvious thing in the world: because I can't possibly know beforehand. It takes more than one date to get to know a girl but it rarely takes more than one date to sleep with someone.
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On February 16 2015 08:12 Ghostcom wrote:Show nested quote +On February 15 2015 02:17 SixStrings wrote:On February 14 2015 07:05 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 14 2015 00:45 SixStrings wrote:
I've been seeing the same girl since ... must be December and I'm eternally grateful that Valentine's isn't a thing here. She's staying the weekend and I'd hate to have any obligation of doing stuff or giving her insincere gifts...
To be honest, I thought of breaking it off a couple of times, but she's just the kind of person you don't want to hurt. Have you considered that you may be hurting her every day you refuse to clarify where she stands with you? It's very hard for me to believe that you have her best interests in mind when your definition of 'right action' is equivalent to inaction. Not to mention, you are insulting her every time you imply she is too fragile to endure and learn from sadness. She is a person existentially separate from you, not an actress in your personal narrative in need of coddling or rescuing. Of course I have considered that and of course Ghostcom was right in attacking me. I was acting like a craven and I was doing her no good, but he hit a sore-spot and I resent people who pretend to be able to do the right thing 100 per cent of the time. Anyway, cards are on the table, she just left and I feel like a prick for hurting her. I'm honestly impressed by you. It isn't easy to come clean, but we owe it to those we care about (and you obviously cared about her). Good job, you did the right thing. EDIT: Calling lifelong marriages for the worst lies is probably the biggest bullshit I have yet to see Cosmic write. I'm sorry you have such a bleak outlook on the union of two people who care for each other, but honestly it says more about you than about marriage. Perhaps it was time for some of that self-reflection you so happily recommend others?
Marriage can be a disaster if you choose poorly, which most people do.
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On February 16 2015 10:22 SixStrings wrote:Show nested quote +On February 16 2015 07:07 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 15 2015 07:07 SixStrings wrote:
I don't follow. If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place? Well, that might be the most obvious thing in the world: because I can't possibly know beforehand. It takes more than one date to get to know a girl but it rarely takes more than one date to sleep with someone.
Seems like dating girls that consistently sleep with you (and possibly several other guys [like you are with women]) on the first date might have something to do with it. Perhaps you should spend more time trying to get to know them and less time trying to sleep with them?
Or admit your interest in sleeping with them quickly is impeding your ability to be interested in the ones left to choose from as a result.
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United States15275 Posts
On February 16 2015 08:12 Ghostcom wrote:
EDIT: Calling lifelong marriages for the worst lies is probably the biggest bullshit I have yet to see Cosmic write. I'm sorry you have such a bleak outlook on the union of two people who care for each other, but honestly it says more about you than about marriage. Perhaps it was time for some of that self-reflection you so happily recommend others?
This may be a big surprise to you, but a lot of couples willingly suffer through terrible marriages for reasons that are perfectly sensible to them. It can be a matter of sunk costs, prioritizing the children over personal feelings, hope that things will simply change without risk, fear over losing their lifestyle, apathy, hatred, etc. These are exacerbated because the relationship is so binding in the first place.
There are plenty of happy marriages between well balanced people too. xDaunt was simply being naive in assuming that marriages are the end-all, be-all of relationships. If that was the case, why does couples therapy exist?
On February 16 2015 08:41 evilfatsh1t wrote:
i dont know if cosmic is a shrink or he just thinks he knows a lot about the human mind, but a lot of the stuff he says makes it seem like humans are robots. according to him we pretty much all act in a finite number of ways and there is logic that justifies every action we take.
If human beings are robots, we're centuries away from knowing how to manipulate ourselves like them. But we are predictable to a large extent.
Unless one believes decisions are generated causa sui from the mind (and no scientific branch has taken that seriously for decades), then we are condemned in act "in a finite number of ways and there is logic that justifies every action we take". And thank god for that. I'd hate to discover that neuroscience and psychology have been running snake oil scams all this time.
On February 16 2015 09:55 evilfatsh1t wrote:
yeah normally all our actions may have logic behind it, but when it comes to emotions logic doesnt apply. i think its pretty well accepted that emotions cause humans to do and react in manners that just logically dont make sense. i dont mean to be sexist here, but women are a perfect example of people who think irrationally and stuff because their emotions get the better of them. also, its probably why love is such a common theme in books, movies etc. The strongest emotion felt by humans makes people act on instinct rather than logic. you can try and justify someones actions when they arent emotionally affected by something, but the moment emotions are involved rational thinking can easily go out the window. this is why i dont agree with so many things cosmic says. this is the dating thread, the people who visit this thread are emotionally high already and trying to analyse and breakdown every action and thought into a logical manner just doesnt work.
Men are befuddled when women act "irrationally". Women understand each other when they act "irrationally". Do women possess some magical maternal insight into the void that allows them to do this?
Emotions and logic are not contradictory. Logic in itself can't help someone lead a better life without assumptions that lie outside of it. Benatar's antinatalism is perfectly logical and yet only a few people take it seriously.
Then what is the point of this thread? Self-congratulatory pats on the back? A sanctuary for people grieving over broken relationships? There are always reasons behind motivations and patterns of behavior. Mere sympathy won't help them recognize what it is and change for the better. Introspection isn't a guarantee of change, but it's better than pretending that everything will be better next time. And it's the only thing you can ask with so little information.
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On February 16 2015 10:31 GreenHorizons wrote:Show nested quote +On February 16 2015 10:22 SixStrings wrote:On February 16 2015 07:07 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 15 2015 07:07 SixStrings wrote:
I don't follow. If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place? Well, that might be the most obvious thing in the world: because I can't possibly know beforehand. It takes more than one date to get to know a girl but it rarely takes more than one date to sleep with someone. Seems like dating girls that consistently sleep with you (and possibly several other guys [like you are with women]) on the first date might have something to do with it. Perhaps you should spend more time trying to get to know them and less time trying to sleep with them? Or admit your interest in sleeping with them quickly is impeding your ability to be interested in the ones left to choose from as a result.
Your logic makes no sense, you are telling him the problem is dating girls willing to sleep with man quickly and then telling him to get to know them first and then try to have sex them, which will only result in delaying sex with easy girls anyway.
I think you should try to sleep with all potential girls and that "good girls" will simply not put out early.
What I think is worth changing is WHERE you meet girls.
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On February 16 2015 10:56 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On February 16 2015 10:31 GreenHorizons wrote:On February 16 2015 10:22 SixStrings wrote:On February 16 2015 07:07 CosmicSpiral wrote:On February 15 2015 07:07 SixStrings wrote:
I don't follow. If they didn't fit your criteria for a romantic relationship, why pick them in the first place? Well, that might be the most obvious thing in the world: because I can't possibly know beforehand. It takes more than one date to get to know a girl but it rarely takes more than one date to sleep with someone. Seems like dating girls that consistently sleep with you (and possibly several other guys [like you are with women]) on the first date might have something to do with it. Perhaps you should spend more time trying to get to know them and less time trying to sleep with them? Or admit your interest in sleeping with them quickly is impeding your ability to be interested in the ones left to choose from as a result. Your logic makes no sense, you are telling him the problem is dating girls willing to sleep with man quickly and then telling him to get to know them first and then try to have sex them, which will only result in delaying sex with easy girls anyway. I think you should try to sleep with all potential girls and that "good girls" will simply not put out early. What I think is worth changing is WHERE you meet girls.
Me thinks them not putting out quickly (or displaying signs they would), dramatically reduces his interest in putting effort into getting to know them, though I could be totally wrong on that.
I'm suggesting what he may find interesting in the women he chooses to date is the prospect of sleeping with them. Once that's been explored his interest logically fades. If he did the dating part first (without the focus on the immediate gratification at the end of the night) within a date or two the same disinterest would surface and the intentions of just wanting to sleep with her for the fun of it would be more readily apparent.
It's not a coincidence if women are consistently sleeping with you on a first date. It shows that you are good at eliminating the girls that won't from your potential dates, and displays an intention (perhaps subliminal) of prioritizing women who will sleep with you over women who genuinely intrigue you in a substantial way (beyond being sexually desirable).
I agree the location where you meet the woman probably has something to do with it too.
I think the point being that one problem is very likely in his first phases of selection/elimination of who's "dateable"
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