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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 28 2014 02:36 FanaticCZ wrote:
Hey guys, interested in your opinions on this.
I broke up with a girl ive spent almost three years with last september. Since then i was really unable to be happy because I couldnt find anyone to talk to on a daily basis etc, which is pretty much something i need. Yep i have a pretty healthy amount of good friends but all of em are usually pretty busy and theyre not the type of people id like to talk to everyday and spend time with them. Then in May ive started to get close with one of my friends. She was a classmate of my ex but theres honestly no connection with that, its just how i know her and we started to talk a lot everyday but from what I know she was never really interested in dating me and people around her never really liked me. But nonetheless we eventually managed to built a really strong relationship and started dating. That was in August and since then its a little problematic and Im not really sure what to do.
First problem is that shes pretty busy all the time and we dont really spend a lot of time together besides me driving her home sometimes or visiting her late in the night in her town. And then after a month she recently said that shes still waiting to get the same feelings i have for her but it doesnt seem to come, but when were together its quite obvious that she must have strong feelings for me + were still in touch pretty much all the time, everyday. She claims that shes weird and that shes paranoid of losing loved ones (because shes lost some family members in the last year) etc...
What I think is that one of the problems is that we havent really spent a lot of time together yet as well as no sex yet and I refuse to give this up because it started without physical attraction which makes me love that girl a lot more. But it gets me very frustrated to hear that she might not be able to be with me, one day and then that she wants to be with me so much the other day and introduces me to her parents. What u guys think? Should i prove to her that i mean it really seriously like ive been doing it so far or that shes just confused about her feelings etc? Or sth else?
(Im 22 and shes 19 btw)
Looks like you are still hurt and have low confidence from last time man.
I'd be in touch a lot less or stop completely, and just schedule some fun time together in person. Definitely don't try to prove anything to her and keep your options open - I mean last girl spent 3 years with you you must be a good guy right why cling to this one girl, how'd she deserve so much of your devotion when it doesn't seem she's reciprocating much?
What she says sounds like typical stuff that just means she's not that into you right now, I wouldn't bring any mentions of future together or defining the relationship etc. up at all - how'd that come up anyway in the first place? Just have fun with her and relax 
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On September 25 2014 09:35 evilfatsh1t wrote:
lol i can see how asking them is gonna work out well
"hey...do you feel that? that sexual tension between us?"
boom mood destroyed
I watched a tv episode about that once: there was a psychiatrist who had a clever pick-up line, he would claim to have noticed an undeniable spark of attraction and when she would question it he would say that it's his field of expertise and that he was trained in noticing these things. And if she wasn't interested he would say he was merely asking out of professional interest, while in the other scenario he would reciprocate the attraction.
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United States15275 Posts
On September 28 2014 02:36 FanaticCZ wrote:
Hey guys, interested in your opinions on this.
I broke up with a girl ive spent almost three years with last september. Since then i was really unable to be happy because I couldnt find anyone to talk to on a daily basis etc, which is pretty much something i need. Yep i have a pretty healthy amount of good friends but all of em are usually pretty busy and they're not the type of people id like to talk to everyday and spend time with them. Then in May ive started to get close with one of my friends. She was a classmate of my ex but theres honestly no connection with that, its just how i know her and we started to talk a lot everyday but from what I know she was never really interested in dating me and people around her never really liked me. But nonetheless we eventually managed to built a really strong relationship and started dating. That was in August and since then its a little problematic and Im not really sure what to do.
First problem is that shes pretty busy all the time and we dont really spend a lot of time together besides me driving her home sometimes or visiting her late in the night in her town. And then after a month she recently said that shes still waiting to get the same feelings i have for her but it doesnt seem to come, but when were together its quite obvious that she must have strong feelings for me + were still in touch pretty much all the time, everyday. She claims that shes weird and that shes paranoid of losing loved ones (because shes lost some family members in the last year) etc...
What I think is that one of the problems is that we havent really spent a lot of time together yet as well as no sex yet and I refuse to give this up because it started without physical attraction which makes me love that girl a lot more. But it gets me very frustrated to hear that she might not be able to be with me, one day and then that she wants to be with me so much the other day and introduces me to her parents. What u guys think? Should i prove to her that i mean it really seriously like ive been doing it so far or that shes just confused about her feelings etc? Or sth else?
(Im 22 and shes 19 btw)
You can't control someone's feelings. If she doesn't have strong feelings, she doesn't have strong feelings.
You have nothing to prove to her.
A relationship that doesn't start from physical attraction is neither better nor worse than one that does. Don't hypnotize yourself into thinking she's this special snowflake because of the former.
Release yourself from putting expectations on the outcome. Focus on having an enjoyable time over building towards some ambiguous future that may or may not happen. You can deal with those obstacles as they appear.
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Hey guys so im 18 years old and soon 19 i have never had a girlfriend but i really like my class mate girl obivously but i know her since 1st of (september this month) somebody give me advice pleaserino
User was warned for this post
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^That is a very useless post. You gave almost nothing to give advice on. If you just want general advice on dating there are plenty of places, including earlier in this thread, that you can get it from.
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I'm editing this out, thanks for the feedback
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^ It's not that things couldn't and won't work out, but often long distance relationships need a foundation and both parties want to know how how long it will last/when can things get normal. If both of you are fine with it and you're enjoying what is happening then keep doing what you're doing.
However, one can see a problem with investing tons of time and effort into a girl you don't really even know, and perhaps waiting, suffering and waiting some more with long distance when there really isn't that much of a reason for it if you think about it. But perhaps you are taking it easy and enjoying what you have while not compromising your own happiness. Perhaps it will work out, or perhaps both of you have to realize that the time wasn't right but it may be in the future.
Best of luck, enjoy what you have, and if you don't enjoy it and can't see it getting better, know your values and know what is the best for both of you
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So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone 
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On September 27 2014 20:23 Liquid`Drone wrote:
yeah that's just weird and in a bad way.
I remember a kinda-parallel experience, I had gone home with some drunk chick at some occasion and spent the night with her, then the morning after I left kinda quickly and I dunno if she was all that pleased by that. Then I meet her again like 6 months later and she's out of her mind drunk, invites me over to her place again, I go with her cuz I'm horny. But then shortly after we get there, she starts angrily talking on the phone with her boyfriend, and apparently he was gonna show up soon, and I'm like wtf why am I here then. then she started asking if I was "afraid" of him and I'm like no but fuck if I care about meeting him. I literally got the impression that the reason why I was there was that she wanted to show off that she didn't need him, like I was some sort of prop in their internal relationship strife or whatever. It was dumb and fucked up.
shortly thereafter I just went home, next time I saw her she was waiting for the bus with the boyfriend and me and her just started laughing when we saw each other, I remember the boyfriend looking at her and being like what's funny and she's like oh no nothing and it must have been very awkward for the two of them.
It's not like I was scared, that is so fucking awkward I don't need to even deal with that shit. That and I'm sure i would have got the classic, "oh what about the army" question i seem to get so fucking much.
People here are cocksuckers and i really didn't have any intentions of ending up in a fight, even though I havent been in a good one in while lolol.
On September 28 2014 00:58 CosmicSpiral wrote:Show nested quote +On September 27 2014 16:47 arb wrote:
Actually the first night and everytime i had sex with her i waited till she was near sober, im not gonna say 100% straight as a board sober, but more than enough to know what is going on. Which implies she was drunk beforehand and you waited until she receded in her inebriation. No matter how long you waited, drunkenness -> sex is the frame in which your relationship has been cast. So when you "broke tradition", she was naturally going to freak out. Show nested quote +On September 27 2014 16:47 arb wrote:
Anyway. Get over there, things are weird. Not touching me(not sexually zzz) or anything not really talking. Im like uhhhh okay. Randomly looks over while im watching tv, and is like "you know I have a boyfriend?" i was like "what the fuck? Sure as shit did not" I'm like you have got to be fucking kidding me why the fuck are you going to just spring this out like who the fuck does that to someone?" I'll keep this part very short. Any longer elaboration would come close to violating the rules of the thread. The point of that comment was to garner a response. She's not looking for anything in particular, she's looking to see how you would react to such a loaded suggestion. The "You know I have a boyfriend?" lean can lead to any of the following implicit spiels: + Show Spoiler +We've been sitting here for some time and you're just sitting there. Not flirting with me, not having fun with me, just doing nothing. You "rejected" me recently and I want to know where our relationship dynamic stands now. Do you still desire me sexually or the situation different now? I'm going to give this very big poke that will (hopefully) motivate you to make your intentions clear. "Are you going to freak out despite the fact that we've had sex several/many times at the point, yet you have given me no indication that you wanted to change the state of our relationship until recently? If that paradigm isn't the one you want to follow, then which paradigm do you want? "Are you going to freak out because you've found out I'm in a committed relationship, and therefore I'm in the wrong? Because it sure seemed like you didn't care all the other times we fooled around. If you wanted me in a more intimate capacity, you would've at least tried to take action to make it happen; if you wanted casual sex, we're already waist-deep in it and you had no problem going with the flow. I want a response on how you feel about that, which will reflect how you feel about me as a whole. Because you're giving me contradictory signals here and I don't want to be left in the dark. Show nested quote +On September 27 2014 16:47 arb wrote:
Either way if she was trying to get rid of me, unlikely since it was her invitation she coulda just said im sleepy or gotta go somewhere idfk. But legit who the fuck does that.
FML.
Basically consider this one dead in the water and will just go to living reclusive for a bit in all likely hood No, she was not trying to get rid of you. No, she's not crazy either. Too forceful on the point, yes. From an emotional viewpoint (which is its own type of logic), she makes perfect sense.
I made the point when we met the first time before I left that I would have been interested in her. She kept saying like I said "oh you look liek you could be my future boyfriend" blah blah, and i was like well that don't sound too bad i don't believe.
I mean she has a nice job and her own house shes pretty awesome so why the fuck not?
Personally I had seen it on facebook but she changed back to single so i thought oh okay then im all clear.
Because under absolutely no circumstances will i go hang out with any female who is dating someone(unless obv like this i don't know), unless its like a best friend and me + friend + them are together. That's something I don't do.
Yeah i had to contain myself from not freaking out at something like that bc that is fucked up as shit. Don't invite people over and all that shit knowing you're committed like who the fuck does that? If she wanted to know what I think me hitting on you and shit should have gave her a big enough clue as to how i felt about it, which i did make pretty clear the first time around too.
I am on the verge of just asking who it is shes supposed to be dating anyway and seeing what kind of answer i get bc that shit really rustles my jimmies. I have heard shes like crazy af, but enver seen anything personally, just what ive heard atleast.
Either way stupid situation -_-.
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On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
According to your last sentence, you most likely did the right thing, since you where honest about your intentions. Women tend to be more hypocritical when it comes to "just sex"-relationships/onenightstands, since the largest part of the society judges them different then a men in the same situation, so maybe your friend ment "Women can be interested in just a sexual relationship too, but wont approach it that direct". If that was the case with the girl in your story, you might have put her off, however I would highly suggest to stick to your idea of not misleading, since you seem to care for others. Not being honest about "just looking for a pure sexual relationship" can to easily lead to someone getting hurt in my opinion and general seems like a pretty dickish move, even though you might miss out on some opportunitys, where the girl has the same intentions, but just isnt as open/honest about it as you are.
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Norway28665 Posts
On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
it might reduce your chances of getting laid (in the event where she wants a boyfriend and not a fuckbuddy), but increases your chances of being a decent person. so good job, don't compromise. you can't really go wrong if you're honest about your intentions (as long as your intentions don't involve hurting people!), but lies and deceit have a strong strong tendency to come back and bite you in the ass later on.
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United States15275 Posts
On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
Well on the one hand, girls are generally not aroused by that type of statement. It creates a strange type of if-then proposition: "I like sex, but I'll only do it if the girl is fully committed to me". Additionally the attitude puts social pressure on the girl to conform to your ideal. If she likes you but can't express her desires out of fear of disapproval, then she has to stifle her own wants and becomes inauthentic in the process. For most women, being trapped is not a turn-on.
On the other hand, you're not the type of person who engages in casual sex. Personally I don't agree with that assertion, but it's better to have principles you stand by than to be a reed blowing in the wind. If you decided to omit that detail in the situation, you would have contradicted your own beliefs and fallen into incongruence. Then the girl would have (in most circumstances) rejected you anyway and the question would be purely academic. In general it's important to make your intentions clear through words and actions. When people know who you are and that you are comfortable with it, you can avoid a lot of messes that occur through obtuseness. Also you'll make the friends you want and meet the girls that tickle your fancy. It was the right thing to do there.
On September 28 2014 17:03 arb wrote:
I made the point when we met the first time before I left that I would have been interested in her. She kept saying like I said "oh you look liek you could be my future boyfriend" blah blah, and i was like well that don't sound too bad i don't believe.
I mean she has a nice job and her own house shes pretty awesome so why the fuck not?
You "would have been interested in her"? The truth is there is no such thing as contingent interest. You are either interested (which falls on a scale of intensity) or you are not. But it doesn't seem like you are interested in her. In all your posts you have never noted any significant details about her. If you hadn't mentioned she's awesome right here, the common perception would be she's some random floozy. Think about how this reflects upon your understanding of the situation and where you are coming from.
On September 28 2014 17:03 arb wrote:
Personally I had seen it on facebook but she changed back to single so i thought oh okay then im all clear.
Because under absolutely no circumstances will i go hang out with any female who is dating someone(unless obv like this i don't know), unless its like a best friend and me + friend + them are together. That's something I don't do.
It doesn't matter what she posts on Facebook. People lie on Facebook all the time to various extents. It is a social platform and like all social platforms, users are heavily invested in the image that it portrays. They will manipulate any presented information to put themselves in as positive a light as possible.
Well that's quite a limiting belief you have there. Are you seriously saying you won't hang out with someone else's girlfriend? If you have female friends they will eventually start dating other people; would you dump them because you couldn't handle their shift in relationship status?
Consider the suggestion that your values are not all healthy ones. Maybe your insistence that you won't hang out with committed girls is not chivalrous. Maybe it's the expression of something deeply messed up inside of you. I've heard a lot of guys say the same thing you've said, and it usually turns out that the principle arises from some bad place. Of course, a part of you will reject this advice. Everyone thinks their intentions and beliefs come from the noblest places.
From my experience, I'd say you're coming from a toxic frame and you should address that.
On September 28 2014 17:03 arb wrote:
Yeah i had to contain myself from not freaking out at something like that bc that is fucked up as shit. Don't invite people over and all that shit knowing you're committed like who the fuck does that? If she wanted to know what I think me hitting on you and shit should have gave her a big enough clue as to how i felt about it, which i did make pretty clear the first time around too.
Just like Facebook, anyone could say anything and not mean it. Girls don't care exactly you say, they care how it's said and lies behind him. At the beginning you claimed you "made a point". "Making a point" without sufficient foundation might as well be a lie. So far you haven't shown a clear idea what you really want. Are you interested in having her as a girlfriend or not? Are you interested in staying in casual sex or not? You've engaged in the second for the entire course of this relationship, and apparently you never bothered to find out whether she was interested in/already seeing someone else.
Hitting on her? Everything you have said beforehand paints her as the initiator. She called you and you came over; she invites you over several more times and you say yes; she says the crazy thing and you flip out Nowhere did you mention a substantial action on your part to set the frame of the relationship.
On September 28 2014 17:03 arb wrote:
I am on the verge of just asking who it is shes supposed to be dating anyway and seeing what kind of answer i get bc that shit really rustles my jimmies. I have heard shes like crazy af, but enver seen anything personally, just what ive heard atleast.
Either way stupid situation -_-.
Let's assume she is actually single and the whole boyfriend thing was hot air. Do you honestly believe this relationship has a chance to go anywhere when she's holding all the cards?
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On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
Yeah it's being honest for sure, nice.
However like I did that with a girl on a second date after we hooked up the first time we met, then saw her again, we ended sleeping together that night too and ever since then I can see she's holding back. In the meantime I got to know her better fell for her and actually would like to commit but now it's awkward hard to get her to trust me that I changed my mind so fast.
To me it seems it's best to playfully steer clear from talks like these altogether unless she specifically brings up she wants to be committed and you'd have to lie, lying sucks of course.
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I'm studying in Paris this academic year and just barely got here, but I already have (kind of) met a nice girl. I spotted her this weekend on a used bikes sale and tried to start conversation with her. Although we barely had time to talk, I didn't get the impression I usually have when speaking with girls, which roughly translates to the message "get away from me you creep". However, as I'm not only awkward but I'm also a little bitch, she left before I composed myself enough to ask for any contact information. And now somewhere in Paris lives beautiful blonde german with a black cat tatooed on her neck, who just started her au pair job, and I have absolutely no means od asking her out. As I said it doesn't happen to often, but the feeling that I have actively, with my own actions (or rather lack od thereof) f*cked this up makes me angry.
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Just don't make that mistake again.
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On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
You just let her know how you feel. Nothing inherently wrong with it.
If you don't want to turn a girl away you have to gauge what she's looking for. There's girls that hate relationships as much as men can, plenty of them. If you want a relationship and she just wants to fuck you end up looking needy and complicated to her and she'll back out.
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On September 28 2014 16:18 puppykiller wrote:So I went on a date with a girl the other night and it was all good and what not and at one point we end up talking about sex a bunch and I kinda tell her I'm interested in her sexually but not looking for a gf atm. According to my friend that's a huge red flag to a girl sooo... Is that something to avoid in the future? I don't really want to mislead anyone
Isn't it only a red flag to a girl if she wants a relationship. You could just as easily argue that saying you want a relationship is a red flag to a girl who is looking for casual sex.
It's probably a good thing to ensure both parties are on the same page but I think it really comes down to how you introduce the topic and the rationale behind it.
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Some of you guys missread. This girl is cute and I do want to sleep with her in the casual sense. I just am not sure I am looking for a relationship right now cuz I have more options now then I used to and I wanna see how they play out and not jump at any one of them. Also I kinda like being single. Ofc I didn't really explain this too much.
But I feel really sleezy just trying to have sex with her since she is very sweet and don't wanna be that sort of guy. Maybe I should just frame it as an open relationship?
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United States15275 Posts
No, that's not sleazy. Not everyone is comfortable with it though, for many reasons.
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On September 29 2014 11:33 puppykiller wrote:
Some of you guys missread. This girl is cute and I do want to sleep with her in the casual sense. I just am not sure I am looking for a relationship right now cuz I have more options now then I used to and I wanna see how they play out and not jump at any one of them. Also I kinda like being single. Ofc I didn't really explain this too much.
But I feel really sleezy just trying to have sex with her since she is very sweet and don't wanna be that sort of guy. Maybe I should just frame it as an open relationship?
I ended things with a girl because I felt like you do right now. I explained myself, said I was in a pretty slutty phase and wasn't ready to commit to anyone. She got mad and stormed off, but a week later was calling and asking to "hang out."
Some girls are totally ok with a casual thing if you're clear about it, even if they were previously looking for a relationship.
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EPT
