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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going.
The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words.
And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that.
I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience.
The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger.
If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex.
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On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex.
i think youre not getting anywhere because you arent being direct at all, beating around the bush is real scummy imo.
just ask her what her problem with shit is and get it over
it is not good to linger over one girl, especially a cock tease like the one you post about all the time
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On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:
...Deeds are better than words.
Uhh, you have a lot to learn about girls.
I know it maybe shouldn't be this way, and it's changing slowly, but many girls still want the man to act/lead.
They will do the word part, and often even without any actual words.
It's up to you to act based on the signals you catch.
Specific to your case, the very fact that she wanted to talk to you and explain makes her as direct as you can wish someone to be (already more than many others, men or women, are).
Yes, it took her time, but she wanted to open up to you, and it was obviously not easy for her. Instead of appreciating it and being a, well, human being, I have to say you were acting rather butthurt with "there's nothing to talk about".
Yes there is. Be happy you found a girl that actually wants to say how she feels!
Just lighten up a bit, hear her out, and then see what you want to do.
And good luck man!
Edit: just read the whole history of you two...
Sounds like she just panicked that time when you tried to kiss her.
When you say you "terminated the contact", you probably did come across as angry to her (which was completely unnecessary btw).
She probably spent the month between being happy that you like her, and angry at herself for possibly blowing it.
It took some courage on her part to approach you, respect that.
In any case, seems things are going well now so that's good 
(I would still ask her what she wanted to "explain", just in case there was something else on her mind)
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Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work.
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On June 16 2014 21:22 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:
Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work.
This man knows his shit - I was pretty much in love with a girl who was hesitant of anything happening because of a really awkward situation we were both in. We spent all day every day together and ended up sleeping together a few times but because she was sitting on the fence for a bit longer than I would like - i ended up spilling by heart out to her and that scared the shit out of her and she closed up tighter than a clam at 50,000 feet. Had I played it cool and just acted like it didn't bother me, things might have worked out.
Do not play minds games, do not make your own conclusions to thigs you do not know. Just go about your business and do not give her a second thought. As cliche as it sounds, girls love confident "dickhead" men who don't actually pay them any attention. trust bro, trust.
going to the gym helps a lot too.
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On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex.
1) It's your job to start a sexual relationship, it's her job to define it. Initiating a kiss or making a date happen are your jobs early on in the relationship. Man up, take responsibility.
2) Stop pretending that she's not interested. She clearly is, it's your job to take it to the next level. Take responsibility.
3) "If she refuses to date me I'll ask what's wrong" is a horrible frame of mind. You're basing your decision on her choices which, again, means you're trying to shove responsibility onto her. It's random pressure and drama that will get you nowhere. Have a life, don't base yours around hers. If she's afraid of something it's your job to handle it. Be empathetic.
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Following rules,acting like "youre supposed to act", pretending to not care allthough you do.... Is this really how you want to get into a serious relationship? I know i wouldnt
Example: if the girl is only getting attrakted to me when i acgt like a "dickhead" i wouldnt want to be in a relationship with her.
or is this just about getting sex? Then do whatever you feel necessary if youre desperate
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You people are over complicating "dating".
All you got to keep a girl interested is think about new materials to talk about and fun activities to do.
But then again, an average men doesn't necessarily have such wide range of topics to choose from and/or the diligence of finding new activities to do. And that's when their women starts to find those men to be "boring" and start to cheat on him.
So folks, go outside, learn a skill, read a book and go workout.
Most importantly don't waste your time idling in front of a computer and playing/watching a video game unless it improves your social skills, improve your intelligence, and provides you one more outlet in the "fun activities" list. If it ain't improving your social skills, improving your intelligence, and you are unable to bring your girl interested to it or make her understand that these activities are beneficial to you, then stop watching/playing because you are just wasting your time.
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On June 17 2014 03:55 Xiphos wrote:
You people are over complicating "dating".
All you got to keep a girl interested is think about new materials to talk about and fun activities to do.
But then again, an average men doesn't necessarily have such wide range of topics to choose from and/or the diligence of finding new activities to do. And that's when their women starts to find those men to be "boring" and start to cheat on him.
So folks, go outside, learn a skill, read a book and go workout.
Most importantly don't waste your time idling in front of a computer and playing/watching a video game unless it improves your social skills, improve your intelligence, and provides you one more outlet in the "fun activities" list. If it ain't improving your social skills, improving your intelligence, and you are unable to bring your girl interested to it or make her understand that these activities are beneficial to you, then stop watching/playing because you are just wasting your time.
Well I have totally different mind set from yours. To me improving social skills or intelligence is nice and all but, most important thing is fun. If I have fun playing video games or watching games then that's exactly what I'm going to do. It seem to me that you kind of bending your will for benefit of girls a little bit too much.
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On June 17 2014 05:01 JuneMay wrote:Show nested quote +On June 17 2014 03:55 Xiphos wrote:
You people are over complicating "dating".
All you got to keep a girl interested is think about new materials to talk about and fun activities to do.
But then again, an average men doesn't necessarily have such wide range of topics to choose from and/or the diligence of finding new activities to do. And that's when their women starts to find those men to be "boring" and start to cheat on him.
So folks, go outside, learn a skill, read a book and go workout.
Most importantly don't waste your time idling in front of a computer and playing/watching a video game unless it improves your social skills, improve your intelligence, and provides you one more outlet in the "fun activities" list. If it ain't improving your social skills, improving your intelligence, and you are unable to bring your girl interested to it or make her understand that these activities are beneficial to you, then stop watching/playing because you are just wasting your time. Well I have totally different mind set from yours. To me improving social skills or intelligence is nice and all but, most important thing is fun. If I have fun playing video games or watching games then that's exactly what I'm going to do. It seem to me that you kind of bending your will for benefit of girls a little bit too much.
It isn't only just for girls. For example, if I find something interesting to perform/practice and know that it is BENEFICIAL to my well being and the girl I'm dealing with tries to persuade me to get away from it because she wants to hog all my attentions, I'm perfectly fine to tell her to gtfo my life.
However the point is that the activities that I partake in have to have lead some form of improvement in my life. For instance, in SC:BW, I play the game because it improves on my focus, on my ability to track of multiple events occurring, and improve on my planning. It is incredible beneficial. Or by playing DotA2, I improve my leadership skills in explaining to the team about what I think is the best move as efficient as possible. All these skills honed from those video games can directly translate into real life application.
So having fun and self improvement aren't exactly mutually exclusive. The key is to choose which video game worth more time for ya.
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I didnt date in 2 years since 5y relationship+rebound
afraid of too much time draining my poker+sports+family time
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On June 17 2014 05:01 JuneMay wrote:Show nested quote +On June 17 2014 03:55 Xiphos wrote:
You people are over complicating "dating".
All you got to keep a girl interested is think about new materials to talk about and fun activities to do.
But then again, an average men doesn't necessarily have such wide range of topics to choose from and/or the diligence of finding new activities to do. And that's when their women starts to find those men to be "boring" and start to cheat on him.
So folks, go outside, learn a skill, read a book and go workout.
Most importantly don't waste your time idling in front of a computer and playing/watching a video game unless it improves your social skills, improve your intelligence, and provides you one more outlet in the "fun activities" list. If it ain't improving your social skills, improving your intelligence, and you are unable to bring your girl interested to it or make her understand that these activities are beneficial to you, then stop watching/playing because you are just wasting your time. Well I have totally different mind set from yours. To me improving social skills or intelligence is nice and all but, most important thing is fun. If I have fun playing video games or watching games then that's exactly what I'm going to do. It seem to me that you kind of bending your will for benefit of girls a little bit too much.
I'm going to assume Xiphos didn't mean that you should do all this with girls in mind, but that you should do so for yourself, thus truning yourself into a more interesting person to hang out with. If this is true, I'd agree with him more than you.
Fun is good and everyone should have some, but there are much more intense positive feelings to be had.
Awe when stumbling upon a great landscape, true complicity with someone, surprise when learning new stuff about our universe, feeling great after some exercise etc.
See what I did there ? Go outside, using social skills, learning stuff, working out. Note that all of those can be improved by having fun meanwhile, but it is not required.
Now I agree that fun is important, but it is so easy to fulfill... Putting that above all the rest can lead to some form of complacency overall.
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Thank you guys, never expected so much comments!
On June 16 2014 20:22 quetzy wrote:Uhh, you have a lot to learn about girls. I know it maybe shouldn't be this way, and it's changing slowly, but many girls still want the man to act/lead. They will do the word part, and often even without any actual words. It's up to you to act based on the signals you catch. Specific to your case, the very fact that she wanted to talk to you and explain makes her as direct as you can wish someone to be (already more than many others, men or women, are). Yes, it took her time, but she wanted to open up to you, and it was obviously not easy for her. Instead of appreciating it and being a, well, human being, I have to say you were acting rather butthurt with "there's nothing to talk about". Yes there is. Be happy you found a girl that actually wants to say how she feels! Just lighten up a bit, hear her out, and then see what you want to do. And good luck man! Edit: just read the whole history of you two... Sounds like she just panicked that time when you tried to kiss her. When you say you "terminated the contact", you probably did come across as angry to her (which was completely unnecessary btw). She probably spent the month between being happy that you like her, and angry at herself for possibly blowing it. It took some courage on her part to approach you, respect that. In any case, seems things are going well now so that's good (I would still ask her what she wanted to "explain", just in case there was something else on her mind)
Thank you for your comment!
The reason why I said that deeds are better than words is simple and you probably know it since you read the story. After she refused my dating suggestions two times and still sent me messages like "I´ve been thinking of you all day long" I felt like these were nothing but empty phrases...
And when she "refused" to kiss me I sent her a message asking whether I was wrong about the whole situation and since she did not answer I felt like it would be the best thing to "move on". Maybe I came across angry but what else was I supposed to do?
And yeah... it seems things are going well.
On June 16 2014 21:22 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:
Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work.
Yeah from my personal experience this leads to nothing. I did it once. From that point on that girl was still dating me for a couple of months including making out and such things. But she was... different? And as our "relationship" ended she told me exactly what you said. She was scared.
On June 16 2014 23:59 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex. 1) It's your job to start a sexual relationship, it's her job to define it. Initiating a kiss or making a date happen are your jobs early on in the relationship. Man up, take responsibility. 2) Stop pretending that she's not interested. She clearly is, it's your job to take it to the next level. Take responsibility. 3) "If she refuses to date me I'll ask what's wrong" is a horrible frame of mind. You're basing your decision on her choices which, again, means you're trying to shove responsibility onto her. It's random pressure and drama that will get you nowhere. Have a life, don't base yours around hers. If she's afraid of something it's your job to handle it. Be empathetic.
I appreciate your comment!
1) That´s what I did. All the time. I asked her out and I tried to kiss her.
2) Yeah right now it seems like she is but four weeks ago it was more like she was interested as long as I was far away but as soon as I came closer (dating & kissing) ... well the attraction was gone.
3) True!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met her today for a couple of mins (at work) and asked her out for dinner on thursday, she agreed. So we´re going to have a dinner together. Mexican or Sushi ... I haven´t decided yet but I told her that I´ll contact her in the following days.
We´ll see what happens.
Thanks again for all the comments!
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Super PRO tip: when you are good at talking with girls etc but feel horny at some moments, go and jerk off, then talk. The amount of things you can spoil when thinking with your dick and not your brain is huge.
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On June 19 2014 01:48 SoSexy wrote:
Super PRO tip: when you are good at talking with girls etc but feel horny at some moments, go and jerk off, then talk. The amount of things you can spoil when thinking with your dick and not your brain is huge.
Idk where you live but here I'll get arrested by the cops for jerking off in recreational parks.
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On June 19 2014 03:43 Xiphos wrote:Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 01:48 SoSexy wrote:
Super PRO tip: when you are good at talking with girls etc but feel horny at some moments, go and jerk off, then talk. The amount of things you can spoil when thinking with your dick and not your brain is huge. Idk where you live but here I'll get arrested by the cops for jerking off in recreational parks.
LOL sorry I should have written chatting, not talking. I meant on Facebook etc.
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On June 19 2014 06:50 SoSexy wrote:Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 03:43 Xiphos wrote:On June 19 2014 01:48 SoSexy wrote:
Super PRO tip: when you are good at talking with girls etc but feel horny at some moments, go and jerk off, then talk. The amount of things you can spoil when thinking with your dick and not your brain is huge. Idk where you live but here I'll get arrested by the cops for jerking off in recreational parks. LOL sorry I should have written chatting, not talking. I meant on Facebook etc.
+1
User was warned for this post
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I'm getting real sick of the stupid cat and mouse games women seem to enjoy playing. The feigning interest then back tracking and back again cycle has me at wits ended.
I just completely blew off a woman who had check marks in every single category I find attractive because she does this and it pisses me off. I can not stand the bouncing from "I think she likes me" to "She doesn't like me" and back and about a week ago she bounced back to disinterested after a date. Yesterday I asked her what she was up too and she said being lazy and doing nothing. I asked if she'd like to join me for supper and she said I'd rather stay in bed. Unfriended her from FB and deleted her number 10 minutes later since I don't feel like waiting for the next "interested phase". Around midnight she realizes what I did and texts me asking why. My response was long but TDLR; I aint chasing you since you seem to not be interested in me. Never got a response back. Hopefully never will. Stupid game. I played it alot longer than I should have.
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Just out of curiosity how old are you guys using facebook chat to talk to girls? I can't even think of a single person who uses facebook chat...
Oh and orcas I agree with your sentiment but I think you overreacted. Play it cool man don't let her know she got under your skin.
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On June 19 2014 11:23 B.I.G. wrote:
Just out of curiosity how old are you guys using facebook chat to talk to girls? I can't even think of a single person who uses facebook chat...
I'm 27 and find several women I know prefer FB chat to texting since you can see who's online and when your messages get read. Unless you mean to meet random girls. That's kinda weird lol
I really don't care either way so I have used both. Texting is my preference though
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EPT
