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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
Well then we're about the same age. Maybe facebook is less popular where I'm from.
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I read these comments and am just like so glad I don't have to worry about dating any more...
And we both love Dota! more than I could have hoped for in a relationship :D
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On June 19 2014 11:23 Orcasgt24 wrote:
I'm getting real sick of the stupid cat and mouse games women seem to enjoy playing. The feigning interest then back tracking and back again cycle has me at wits ended.
I just completely blew off a woman who had check marks in every single category I find attractive because she does this and it pisses me off. I can not stand the bouncing from "I think she likes me" to "She doesn't like me" and back and about a week ago she bounced back to disinterested after a date. Yesterday I asked her what she was up too and she said being lazy and doing nothing. I asked if she'd like to join me for supper and she said I'd rather stay in bed. Unfriended her from FB and deleted her number 10 minutes later since I don't feel like waiting for the next "interested phase". Around midnight she realizes what I did and texts me asking why. My response was long but TDLR; I aint chasing you since you seem to not be interested in me. Never got a response back. Hopefully never will. Stupid game. I played it alot longer than I should have.
I want you to take a deep breath. You handled the situation perfectly.
However, don't get angry at what women do in the dating game. Men and women aren't the same in both physical and psychological. Our brains are wired differently and our behaviors varies.
A woman's number 1 asset is based on their sexual appeal, they want to maximize the amount of equity as possible from other attracted people (not discounting lesbians here) while holding out sex as long as possible. And that equity might not be exactly monetary gains, it can be used as emotional tampon. If a man or a woman is seen with on a lot of dates, it psychological augment her values to the others by expressing that she have a lot of options, therefore there must be something phenomenal about her worth dating, thus further her "worth". Additionally, majority of men prioritize beauty over all else and they are simply entranced by it.
A men's number 1 asset is based upon what they could do in terms of either wealth, being well-versed and charismatic as that's what the majority of women seek in a men.
For a women to act ambiguous about her feeling toward you, she is in fact trying to keep it mysterious in order for her to gain more attention or time invested from you. The more time you spend with a particular object, the more emotional attachment you develop toward it and the more likely you will stick around. And the more beautiful a woman is, the more time a man is willing to spend on her.
So it really becomes a question of properly negotiating on the dating table in terms of investment from both ends. Think about it, the act of dating itself is about determining who to spend with for the rest of your life. So you better choose properly and negotiate what is put on the table fairly.
But this is all traditional belief. Nowadays with the rise of feminism that women wanted to be treated as equal as men, the dating climate have altered quite a bit and this could work both ways. But as men, we shouldn't exactly just based upon our judgement regarding a women's worth just by their beauty but also by their character, aka their sense of humor, kindness, ability to make a living. This goes same for men that nowadays, women ARE demanding you to have the necessarily body figures and looks of hollywood star instead of just being able to make money, it is beneficial to develop that. So next time you date, notice their characters. If they are all being ambiguous about her feelings and that she is doing that to milk as much time as possible, call her out on it. Don't let beauty control your life. So what if she is considered "hot"? If she use it for the wrong reasons, she is a piece of trash.
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I'm so confused. She isn't interested since a week, is consistent with that behavior (albeit maybe too open about it) and gets accused of "playing games". She didn't reply because you acted childish, not more not less.
About the FB discussion, personally when it's about hookups I avoid chats like the plague. Phone calls or texts only. Mostly though because I don't want strong emotional connections in those cases and I feel those are super easy to build in chats. If that's what you're lacking by all means go for it. I should probably mention that I also keep phone calls rather short in those cases where in general I love hanging on the phone for hours. With like... everyone. ;;
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My gf graduated and moved back way up north. During our time together, we've discussed matters a few times for what happens afterwards, but we're still technically in a relationship. I'll be the first to admit, even for a guy like me, it isn't the happiest situation to realize this kind of 'permanent' separation, especially since she was easily my best friend during my first year of graduate school and that's saying something.
But eh, it is what it is. We may break up, and quite honestly, both of us are prepared for that. I'm working at a company for the summer, so it's not like I can realistically make out-of-the-blue 4-5 hour drives there, and then 4-5 hours back, to visit her. It was a grand old time without a doubt, but these post-graduation break-ups are so common that they're practically a natural event in life.
Still figuring out what to do, but for the time being, I'm happy where I am.
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On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:23 Orcasgt24 wrote:
I'm getting real sick of the stupid cat and mouse games women seem to enjoy playing. The feigning interest then back tracking and back again cycle has me at wits ended.
I just completely blew off a woman who had check marks in every single category I find attractive because she does this and it pisses me off. I can not stand the bouncing from "I think she likes me" to "She doesn't like me" and back and about a week ago she bounced back to disinterested after a date. Yesterday I asked her what she was up too and she said being lazy and doing nothing. I asked if she'd like to join me for supper and she said I'd rather stay in bed. Unfriended her from FB and deleted her number 10 minutes later since I don't feel like waiting for the next "interested phase". Around midnight she realizes what I did and texts me asking why. My response was long but TDLR; I aint chasing you since you seem to not be interested in me. Never got a response back. Hopefully never will. Stupid game. I played it alot longer than I should have.
I want you to take a deep breath. You handled the situation perfectly. However, don't get angry at what women do in the dating game. Men and women aren't the same in both physical and psychological. Our brains are wired differently and our behaviors varies.
I know. Probably should have just posted in letting off steam.
It's hard not too get angry though. The games are frustrating and emotionally draining. One thing I have noticed in my life is alot of women that play "hard to get" do not get got. I'm sure that is not a coincidence. I don't know if guys do crap like that but if they do I'm sure they are single.
On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
A woman's number 1 asset is based on their sexual appeal, they want to maximize the amount of equity as possible from other attracted people (not discounting lesbians here) while holding out sex as long as possible. And that equity might not be exactly monetary gains, it can be used as emotional tampon. If a man or a woman is seen with on a lot of dates, it psychological augment her values to the others by expressing that she have a lot of options, therefore there must be something phenomenal about her worth dating, thus further her "worth". Additionally, majority of men prioritize beauty over all else and they are simply entranced by it.
A men's number 1 asset is based upon what they could do in terms of either wealth, being well-versed and charismatic as that's what the majority of women seek in a men.
Well guilty here hehe. I did pick her due to the stunning physical look of her.
I have no clue at all what she wanted after 2 months of the game. I couldn't tell if she wanted sex or relationship or friend or what. I could tell she didn't want me though during the disinterested phases. That was the only clear sign. Kinda makes me wonder how many other guys have just said fuck it to her and gave up. I can't possibly be the first.
On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
For a women to act ambiguous about her feeling toward you, she is in fact trying to keep it mysterious in order for her to gain more attention or time invested from you. The more time you spend with a particular object, the more emotional attachment you develop toward it and the more likely you will stick around. And the more beautiful a woman is, the more time a man is willing to spend on her.
So just curios what you think happens when a woman does do that ambiguous thing but she does like him yet he ditches like I did. My blunt way of thinking about dating just doesn't provide an answer for this. If you like someone, like them. Don't pretend you do then don't and don't be secretive about it. It doesn't make sense to me from any viewpoint.
On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
So it really becomes a question of properly negotiating on the dating table in terms of investment from both ends. Think about it, the act of dating itself is about determining who to spend with for the rest of your life. So you better choose properly and negotiate what is put on the table fairly.
But this is all traditional belief. Nowadays with the rise of feminism that women wanted to be treated as equal as men, the dating climate have altered quite a bit and this could work both ways. But as men, we shouldn't exactly just based upon our judgement regarding a women's worth just by their beauty but also by their character, aka their sense of humor, kindness, ability to make a living. This goes same for men that nowadays, women ARE demanding you to have the necessarily body figures and looks of hollywood star instead of just being able to make money, it is beneficial to develop that. So next time you date, notice their characters. If they are all being ambiguous about her feelings and that she is doing that to milk as much time as possible, call her out on it. Don't let beauty control your life. So what if she is considered "hot"? If she use it for the wrong reasons, she is a piece of trash.
I agree here. I think I bring enough to the table to make the "negotiation fair". Maybe I am wrong (being single for so long is likely proof of that). I don't expect to get everything for nothing. It should be give and take from both sides.
On June 19 2014 12:13 r.Evo wrote:
I'm so confused. She isn't interested since a week, is consistent with that behavior (albeit maybe too open about it) and gets accused of "playing games". She didn't reply because you acted childish, not more not less.
If it was the first time she entered disinterested zone I would not have made the post. in fact I wouldn't have cared. Chalk it up as a failed attempt. Move on.
(edit: Hmm I guess this is a lie because the first time she switched to uninterested I continued chasing. I didn't post though so i guess its only a half lie lol)
It wasn't. She bounced back and forth. When she was interested she was playful and fun and enjoyable to be around and talk to then for seemingly no reason goes to distant and annoyed. It happened 3 times and I pursed anyways because I find her attractive, like Xiphos said, men will spend more time chasing a beautiful woman. I still can not figure out why she'd jump back and forth since all of our dates were pleasant, good times were had and we never argued about anything.
I thought I was clear about the multiple switches, guess not. My bad
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On June 19 2014 13:01 Orcasgt24 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:On June 19 2014 11:23 Orcasgt24 wrote:
I'm getting real sick of the stupid cat and mouse games women seem to enjoy playing. The feigning interest then back tracking and back again cycle has me at wits ended.
I just completely blew off a woman who had check marks in every single category I find attractive because she does this and it pisses me off. I can not stand the bouncing from "I think she likes me" to "She doesn't like me" and back and about a week ago she bounced back to disinterested after a date. Yesterday I asked her what she was up too and she said being lazy and doing nothing. I asked if she'd like to join me for supper and she said I'd rather stay in bed. Unfriended her from FB and deleted her number 10 minutes later since I don't feel like waiting for the next "interested phase". Around midnight she realizes what I did and texts me asking why. My response was long but TDLR; I aint chasing you since you seem to not be interested in me. Never got a response back. Hopefully never will. Stupid game. I played it alot longer than I should have.
I want you to take a deep breath. You handled the situation perfectly. However, don't get angry at what women do in the dating game. Men and women aren't the same in both physical and psychological. Our brains are wired differently and our behaviors varies. I know. Probably should have just posted in letting off steam. It's hard not too get angry though. The games are frustrating and emotionally draining. One thing I have noticed in my life is alot of women that play "hard to get" do not get got. I'm sure that is not a coincidence. I don't know if guys do crap like that but if they do I'm sure they are single. Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
A woman's number 1 asset is based on their sexual appeal, they want to maximize the amount of equity as possible from other attracted people (not discounting lesbians here) while holding out sex as long as possible. And that equity might not be exactly monetary gains, it can be used as emotional tampon. If a man or a woman is seen with on a lot of dates, it psychological augment her values to the others by expressing that she have a lot of options, therefore there must be something phenomenal about her worth dating, thus further her "worth". Additionally, majority of men prioritize beauty over all else and they are simply entranced by it.
A men's number 1 asset is based upon what they could do in terms of either wealth, being well-versed and charismatic as that's what the majority of women seek in a men.
Well guilty here hehe. I did pick her due to the stunning physical look of her. I have no clue at all what she wanted after 2 months of the game. I couldn't tell if she wanted sex or relationship or friend or what. I could tell she didn't want me though during the disinterested phases. That was the only clear sign. Kinda makes me wonder how many other guys have just said fuck it to her and gave up. I can't possibly be the first. Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
For a women to act ambiguous about her feeling toward you, she is in fact trying to keep it mysterious in order for her to gain more attention or time invested from you. The more time you spend with a particular object, the more emotional attachment you develop toward it and the more likely you will stick around. And the more beautiful a woman is, the more time a man is willing to spend on her.
So just curios what you think happens when a woman does do that ambiguous thing but she does like him yet he ditches like I did. My blunt way of thinking about dating just doesn't provide an answer for this. If you like someone, like them. Don't pretend you do then don't and don't be secretive about it. It doesn't make sense to me from any viewpoint. Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:54 Xiphos wrote:
So it really becomes a question of properly negotiating on the dating table in terms of investment from both ends. Think about it, the act of dating itself is about determining who to spend with for the rest of your life. So you better choose properly and negotiate what is put on the table fairly.
But this is all traditional belief. Nowadays with the rise of feminism that women wanted to be treated as equal as men, the dating climate have altered quite a bit and this could work both ways. But as men, we shouldn't exactly just based upon our judgement regarding a women's worth just by their beauty but also by their character, aka their sense of humor, kindness, ability to make a living. This goes same for men that nowadays, women ARE demanding you to have the necessarily body figures and looks of hollywood star instead of just being able to make money, it is beneficial to develop that. So next time you date, notice their characters. If they are all being ambiguous about her feelings and that she is doing that to milk as much time as possible, call her out on it. Don't let beauty control your life. So what if she is considered "hot"? If she use it for the wrong reasons, she is a piece of trash. I agree here. I think I bring enough to the table to make the "negotiation fair". Maybe I am wrong (being single for so long is likely proof of that). I don't expect to get everything for nothing. It should be give and take from both sides. Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 12:13 r.Evo wrote:
I'm so confused. She isn't interested since a week, is consistent with that behavior (albeit maybe too open about it) and gets accused of "playing games". She didn't reply because you acted childish, not more not less.
If it was the first time she entered disinterested zone I would not have made the post. in fact I wouldn't have cared. Chalk it up as a failed attempt. Move on. (edit: Hmm I guess this is a lie because the first time she switched to uninterested I continued chasing. I didn't post though so i guess its only a half lie lol)It wasn't. She bounced back and forth. When she was interested she was playful and fun and enjoyable to be around and talk to then for seemingly no reason goes to distant and annoyed. It happened 3 times and I pursed anyways because I find her attractive, like Xiphos said, men will spend more time chasing a beautiful woman. I still can not figure out why she'd jump back and forth since all of our dates were pleasant, good times were had and we never argued about anything. I thought I was clear about the multiple switches, guess not. My bad
Let me ask you some personal things:
Were you or were you not paying for the dates?
What topic of conversations did you have?
What were the specifics ways you went on and off on you? And did she act the same way toward other people?
We can take this to PM if you want to remain discrete about it.
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The issue is that, since you see no possible reason from your perspective, you assume that she changed her behavior for actually no reason. That's an incredibly dangerous assumption for any human interaction.
Think about yourself and you'll notice that nothing you do has literally no reasoning behind it. We as humans in general do things because they give us positive feelings in some way or another. The difference between different actions to the same situation (e.g. studying instead of going out to a party) comes from different framings of a certain situation ("I want to be good at school to feel good later in my life" vs "I want to feel good at the party tonight") but essentially both have the exact same reasoning behind them despite not looking like it at first glance.
To bring this back to the realm of dating, think of things that would make you grow distant, uninterested and annoyed without communicating it to the person this is about. For me personally this could be things like interest in a new person, the belief that a relationship is going nowhere for whatever reason or something completely unrelated like a new hobby or job that's taking up loads of time.
If you're trying to seduce someone (aka successfully date) any of those suck because they make you a lower priority. However the part where you personally ruined it is that you seem unable to narrow those possibilities down. Be more offensive. Don't "chase" her. Be with her, have fun with her, be sexual with her.
From her perspective she gave you chance after chance by showing interest and nothing ever happened. From your perspective she played games with you by showing different states of interest at different times. Try and get beyond this kind of game that both people involved are playing by being more honest about what you want from the other person with your actions. By trying to guess what she wants and adjust to it you're doing exactly what you're accusing her of.
Stop that bullshit. Flirt, touch, have fun and take two steps back and one step forward if she ever indirectly rejects anything.
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On June 19 2014 11:30 Orcasgt24 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 19 2014 11:23 B.I.G. wrote:
Just out of curiosity how old are you guys using facebook chat to talk to girls? I can't even think of a single person who uses facebook chat... I'm 27 and find several women I know prefer FB chat to texting since you can see who's online and when your messages get read. Unless you mean to meet random girls. That's kinda weird lol I really don't care either way so I have used both. Texting is my preference though
I'm 25. I also do it with random girls, lol...I believe that if you are good looking and know a bit how to talk, you can just add random girls you like. You just need to have some friends in common with them, then just put some likes, chat a bit and if they reply you go down that road. It's a numbers game, basically. In the last month I think I added like 30 girls and I'm currently flirting with 4-5. Remember: the man who is not bold does not go out with beautiful girls.
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On the Facebook note, no one near me uses Facebook chat for that. It doesn't have to do with being bold, it's just something we use text or snapchat for. FB chat is for catching up with friends, you might ask someone out with it maybe, but you rarely just send a random girl you added a request, have them accept it, and then ask them out. People protect their facebooks a lot more.
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have a date this saturday with a nice girl , its funny because i know her from a long time , 5 years , bc shes a friend of my ex but the thing is that she is being really nice to me lately... its not the first coffee we get along , but certainly i can tell she is in the flirting mood now from her latest messages , cheering on me for getting my last masters exams and saying that i play so great with my band , oh boy she makes me feel good , this is usually where i get nervous and blow it up LOL
I will try to go into it without any expectations and see what shes up to, i always suffer from that expectative building syndrome , and all will be well I think , Any advice fellow TLers?
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On June 17 2014 06:52 JoeCool wrote:Thank you guys, never expected so much comments! Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 20:22 quetzy wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:
...Deeds are better than words.
Uhh, you have a lot to learn about girls. I know it maybe shouldn't be this way, and it's changing slowly, but many girls still want the man to act/lead. They will do the word part, and often even without any actual words. It's up to you to act based on the signals you catch. Specific to your case, the very fact that she wanted to talk to you and explain makes her as direct as you can wish someone to be (already more than many others, men or women, are). Yes, it took her time, but she wanted to open up to you, and it was obviously not easy for her. Instead of appreciating it and being a, well, human being, I have to say you were acting rather butthurt with "there's nothing to talk about". Yes there is. Be happy you found a girl that actually wants to say how she feels! Just lighten up a bit, hear her out, and then see what you want to do. And good luck man! Edit: just read the whole history of you two... Sounds like she just panicked that time when you tried to kiss her. When you say you "terminated the contact", you probably did come across as angry to her (which was completely unnecessary btw). She probably spent the month between being happy that you like her, and angry at herself for possibly blowing it. It took some courage on her part to approach you, respect that. In any case, seems things are going well now so that's good  (I would still ask her what she wanted to "explain", just in case there was something else on her mind) Thank you for your comment! The reason why I said that deeds are better than words is simple and you probably know it since you read the story. After she refused my dating suggestions two times and still sent me messages like "I´ve been thinking of you all day long" I felt like these were nothing but empty phrases... And when she "refused" to kiss me I sent her a message asking whether I was wrong about the whole situation and since she did not answer I felt like it would be the best thing to "move on". Maybe I came across angry but what else was I supposed to do? And yeah... it seems things are going well. Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 21:22 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:
Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work. Yeah from my personal experience this leads to nothing. I did it once. From that point on that girl was still dating me for a couple of months including making out and such things. But she was... different? And as our "relationship" ended she told me exactly what you said. She was scared. Show nested quote +On June 16 2014 23:59 r.Evo wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex. 1) It's your job to start a sexual relationship, it's her job to define it. Initiating a kiss or making a date happen are your jobs early on in the relationship. Man up, take responsibility. 2) Stop pretending that she's not interested. She clearly is, it's your job to take it to the next level. Take responsibility. 3) "If she refuses to date me I'll ask what's wrong" is a horrible frame of mind. You're basing your decision on her choices which, again, means you're trying to shove responsibility onto her. It's random pressure and drama that will get you nowhere. Have a life, don't base yours around hers. If she's afraid of something it's your job to handle it. Be empathetic. I appreciate your comment! 1) That´s what I did. All the time. I asked her out and I tried to kiss her. 2) Yeah right now it seems like she is but four weeks ago it was more like she was interested as long as I was far away but as soon as I came closer (dating & kissing) ... well the attraction was gone. 3) True! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met her today for a couple of mins (at work) and asked her out for dinner on thursday, she agreed. So we´re going to have a dinner together. Mexican or Sushi ... I haven´t decided yet but I told her that I´ll contact her in the following days. We´ll see what happens. Thanks again for all the comments!
Aaaaand she did not appear for our date.
Like I said, on monday she agreed to have dinner with me on thursday. On tuesday I went to the restaurant and made a reservation for two persons; that´s what I also texted her on tuesday afternoon. On wednesday I wrote that I´ll pick her up at about 5.30 she just has to tell me where.
Not a single response and about thirty mins ago I had to cancel the reservation. Since she did not respond until this morning I got a bad feeling and spent the whole day at a lake with some friends, still hoping she might call/text me.
Well, now that I´m home and alone I´m kinda ... sad?! :-/ Unpleasant feeling.
Edit: 8.50 pm
Received a message "Sorry ...  have been to france with my parents all day long, just came back. What are you doing?"
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On June 20 2014 01:22 JoeCool wrote:Show nested quote +On June 17 2014 06:52 JoeCool wrote:Thank you guys, never expected so much comments! On June 16 2014 20:22 quetzy wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:
...Deeds are better than words.
Uhh, you have a lot to learn about girls. I know it maybe shouldn't be this way, and it's changing slowly, but many girls still want the man to act/lead. They will do the word part, and often even without any actual words. It's up to you to act based on the signals you catch. Specific to your case, the very fact that she wanted to talk to you and explain makes her as direct as you can wish someone to be (already more than many others, men or women, are). Yes, it took her time, but she wanted to open up to you, and it was obviously not easy for her. Instead of appreciating it and being a, well, human being, I have to say you were acting rather butthurt with "there's nothing to talk about". Yes there is. Be happy you found a girl that actually wants to say how she feels! Just lighten up a bit, hear her out, and then see what you want to do. And good luck man! Edit: just read the whole history of you two... Sounds like she just panicked that time when you tried to kiss her. When you say you "terminated the contact", you probably did come across as angry to her (which was completely unnecessary btw). She probably spent the month between being happy that you like her, and angry at herself for possibly blowing it. It took some courage on her part to approach you, respect that. In any case, seems things are going well now so that's good (I would still ask her what she wanted to "explain", just in case there was something else on her mind) Thank you for your comment! The reason why I said that deeds are better than words is simple and you probably know it since you read the story. After she refused my dating suggestions two times and still sent me messages like "I´ve been thinking of you all day long" I felt like these were nothing but empty phrases... And when she "refused" to kiss me I sent her a message asking whether I was wrong about the whole situation and since she did not answer I felt like it would be the best thing to "move on". Maybe I came across angry but what else was I supposed to do? And yeah... it seems things are going well. On June 16 2014 21:22 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:
Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work. Yeah from my personal experience this leads to nothing. I did it once. From that point on that girl was still dating me for a couple of months including making out and such things. But she was... different? And as our "relationship" ended she told me exactly what you said. She was scared. On June 16 2014 23:59 r.Evo wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex. 1) It's your job to start a sexual relationship, it's her job to define it. Initiating a kiss or making a date happen are your jobs early on in the relationship. Man up, take responsibility. 2) Stop pretending that she's not interested. She clearly is, it's your job to take it to the next level. Take responsibility. 3) "If she refuses to date me I'll ask what's wrong" is a horrible frame of mind. You're basing your decision on her choices which, again, means you're trying to shove responsibility onto her. It's random pressure and drama that will get you nowhere. Have a life, don't base yours around hers. If she's afraid of something it's your job to handle it. Be empathetic. I appreciate your comment! 1) That´s what I did. All the time. I asked her out and I tried to kiss her. 2) Yeah right now it seems like she is but four weeks ago it was more like she was interested as long as I was far away but as soon as I came closer (dating & kissing) ... well the attraction was gone. 3) True! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met her today for a couple of mins (at work) and asked her out for dinner on thursday, she agreed. So we´re going to have a dinner together. Mexican or Sushi ... I haven´t decided yet but I told her that I´ll contact her in the following days. We´ll see what happens. Thanks again for all the comments! Aaaaand she did not appear for our date. Like I said, on monday she agreed to have dinner with me on thursday. On tuesday I went to the restaurant and made a reservation for two persons; that´s what I also texted her on tuesday afternoon. On wednesday I wrote that I´ll pick her up at about 5.30 she just has to tell me where. Not a single response and about thirty mins ago I had to cancel the reservation. Since she did not respond until this morning I got a bad feeling and spent the whole day at a lake with some friends, still hoping she might call/text me. Well, now that I´m home and alone I´m kinda ... sad?! :-/ Unpleasant feeling.
Ok if she ditched you, really you have the right to be pissed at her. Be angry with her and "let her go". She probably has reasons, but any decent person would just tell you in time why she couldnt make it.
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Xiphos that "women's number one asset is sexual appeal" shit is pretty gross.
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On June 20 2014 04:27 ComaDose wrote:
Xiphos that "women's number one asset is sexual appeal" shit is pretty gross.
How is that gross? Please elaborate.
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On June 20 2014 04:51 Xiphos wrote:Show nested quote +On June 20 2014 04:27 ComaDose wrote:
Xiphos that "women's number one asset is sexual appeal" shit is pretty gross. How is that gross? Please elaborate.
I think there is a lot of value in people not tied to how they look.
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On June 20 2014 01:22 JoeCool wrote:Show nested quote +On June 17 2014 06:52 JoeCool wrote:Thank you guys, never expected so much comments! On June 16 2014 20:22 quetzy wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:
...Deeds are better than words.
Uhh, you have a lot to learn about girls. I know it maybe shouldn't be this way, and it's changing slowly, but many girls still want the man to act/lead. They will do the word part, and often even without any actual words. It's up to you to act based on the signals you catch. Specific to your case, the very fact that she wanted to talk to you and explain makes her as direct as you can wish someone to be (already more than many others, men or women, are). Yes, it took her time, but she wanted to open up to you, and it was obviously not easy for her. Instead of appreciating it and being a, well, human being, I have to say you were acting rather butthurt with "there's nothing to talk about". Yes there is. Be happy you found a girl that actually wants to say how she feels! Just lighten up a bit, hear her out, and then see what you want to do. And good luck man! Edit: just read the whole history of you two... Sounds like she just panicked that time when you tried to kiss her. When you say you "terminated the contact", you probably did come across as angry to her (which was completely unnecessary btw). She probably spent the month between being happy that you like her, and angry at herself for possibly blowing it. It took some courage on her part to approach you, respect that. In any case, seems things are going well now so that's good (I would still ask her what she wanted to "explain", just in case there was something else on her mind) Thank you for your comment! The reason why I said that deeds are better than words is simple and you probably know it since you read the story. After she refused my dating suggestions two times and still sent me messages like "I´ve been thinking of you all day long" I felt like these were nothing but empty phrases... And when she "refused" to kiss me I sent her a message asking whether I was wrong about the whole situation and since she did not answer I felt like it would be the best thing to "move on". Maybe I came across angry but what else was I supposed to do? And yeah... it seems things are going well. On June 16 2014 21:22 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:
Joe, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. Basically what you're doing at the moment is EXACTLY what you should be doing. You're sort of cold-shouldering her, and that is making her madly attracted to you. The second you start being very nice to her and doing the explaining and talking part, she probably gets scared of that she might have to commit and she will probably bail out. So even if you want more of her, want to fall in love and get married etc, HOLD OFF WITH "THE TALK". You want to gradually move to that territory, and not make her do a full emotional 180 since that is something that scares the shit out of her. Eventhough it might feel wrong for you, as if you're being an emotionally void asshole that is only leading her on, all you're doing is letting her safely get used to expanding the relationship. Take it easy but steadily. Be VERY careful of explanations and everything. If "it" happens, it happens anyway. And no amount of rational communication will help you when hormones should be doing the work. Yeah from my personal experience this leads to nothing. I did it once. From that point on that girl was still dating me for a couple of months including making out and such things. But she was... different? And as our "relationship" ended she told me exactly what you said. She was scared. On June 16 2014 23:59 r.Evo wrote:On June 16 2014 16:12 JoeCool wrote:On June 16 2014 07:53 Zooper31 wrote:On June 16 2014 07:14 Belisarius wrote:On June 16 2014 00:38 JoeCool wrote:
Four weeks ago I tried to kiss my co-worker because I felt that she was interested in me. Some of you might remember the (long) story. She refused and from that point on I terminated our contact.
This friday I saw her for the first time since four weeks and guess what? She asked me whether I had some time because she wants to explain this situation to me, hopes that I´m not angry with her and also added that I was right when I assumed that she was interested. Since talking about such things is pretty pointless (imo) I said that I´m fine and don´t feel that it´s necessary to talk. Later on she grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck. Then I left.
Yesterday she gave me a massage, started cuddling multiple times, ran her finger through my hair and asked whether she was allowed to give me a kiss on my scrag aaaannnndddd ... after multiple attempts to kiss me, we made out (no sex but lots of kissing).
I´m pretty confused right now. ...you would be a lot less confused if you had actually let her tell you what was going on... that's not exactly rocket science. EXACTLY! Somehow she was interested in you in the past but couldn't act on it or wasn't prepared for it. Now she's still interested but now can handle things and wants more. Just ask her what she wanted to explain that one time and just move on and continue on with how things are going. The reason why I did not want to talk is pretty simple; If she is interested in me she could just kiss me, propose a date or do sth similar => Deeds are better than words. And if she is not interested in me (for whatever reason) there is no need to talk. I don´t need her to tell me that she´s still in love with her ex bf or sth like that. I´m not beeing a dick here but that´s just from my experience. The last part (continue on how things are going) sounds fine though, that is what I´m planning to do. I´ll give her a call this evening and ask her out for thursday. That´s a holiday here in Ger. If she refuses, I might ask what is/was wrong because then we´re basically at the same point like four weeks ago => Signs of interest and still too afraid to date/have sex. 1) It's your job to start a sexual relationship, it's her job to define it. Initiating a kiss or making a date happen are your jobs early on in the relationship. Man up, take responsibility. 2) Stop pretending that she's not interested. She clearly is, it's your job to take it to the next level. Take responsibility. 3) "If she refuses to date me I'll ask what's wrong" is a horrible frame of mind. You're basing your decision on her choices which, again, means you're trying to shove responsibility onto her. It's random pressure and drama that will get you nowhere. Have a life, don't base yours around hers. If she's afraid of something it's your job to handle it. Be empathetic. I appreciate your comment! 1) That´s what I did. All the time. I asked her out and I tried to kiss her. 2) Yeah right now it seems like she is but four weeks ago it was more like she was interested as long as I was far away but as soon as I came closer (dating & kissing) ... well the attraction was gone. 3) True! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met her today for a couple of mins (at work) and asked her out for dinner on thursday, she agreed. So we´re going to have a dinner together. Mexican or Sushi ... I haven´t decided yet but I told her that I´ll contact her in the following days. We´ll see what happens. Thanks again for all the comments! Aaaaand she did not appear for our date. Like I said, on monday she agreed to have dinner with me on thursday. On tuesday I went to the restaurant and made a reservation for two persons; that´s what I also texted her on tuesday afternoon. On wednesday I wrote that I´ll pick her up at about 5.30 she just has to tell me where. Not a single response and about thirty mins ago I had to cancel the reservation. Since she did not respond until this morning I got a bad feeling and spent the whole day at a lake with some friends, still hoping she might call/text me. Well, now that I´m home and alone I´m kinda ... sad?! :-/ Unpleasant feeling. Edit: 8.50 pm Received a message "Sorry ... have been to france with my parents all day long, just came back. What are you doing?"
Next.
In an ideal world you'd have a buddy, female buddy or woman you're interested in (from worst to best obv) that you can call an hour or two before your reservation and ask if they want to go out to dinner that evening.
That also allows for the good ol' "Oh, I had an awesome dinner with xyz, what did you do?" which is pretty much the only way to bounce back these kind of things easily.
On June 20 2014 04:27 ComaDose wrote:
Xiphos that "women's number one asset is sexual appeal" shit is pretty gross.
It's also incorrect and terrible advice for the situation at hand but if there's one thing that history has shown in these threads it goes nowhere arguing it. =P
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Midnight here, I just took home the (as people called her in this thread) 'drug dealer girl'. Second meeting went good as the first, we stayed in bed, talking, doing things etc. I told her that I'm going to a private party tomorrow night and she was teasing me like 'it's a pity, I'm at this place with some friends...'. I replied that I can't miss that party but she can come too when she's done with her friends. I don't think she'll come anyways.
Next week she is in London for holidays. My plan now is: don't write her. I'll just wait until she writes me, meanwhile I've got stuff to do. I think I'm playing it kinda well.
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On June 20 2014 04:56 ComaDose wrote:Show nested quote +On June 20 2014 04:51 Xiphos wrote:On June 20 2014 04:27 ComaDose wrote:
Xiphos that "women's number one asset is sexual appeal" shit is pretty gross. How is that gross? Please elaborate. I think there is a lot of value in people not tied to how they look.
@evo: The man I was referring to himself agree with my statement. So it was relevant to explore the psyche behind men and women in the dating market.
Let's start the conversation by stating the ultimate goal of the majority of the folks here on this planet: to procreate a successful lineage. Its the main drive behind people's strive for greatness, so that his/her posterity could live a better life. This means that the society is founded upon the act of sex.
Now we move into the science behind sex. In order for a women and men to engage in intercourse, the men's reproductive organs have to be erected enough for insertion and the primary way that this can occur is by the influence of a sexually attractive female.
Let's observe from the POV from the species of the two identical chromosomes, the female gender. After the subject have been impregnated, she undergo a series of painful time of tribulation, she will get mood swings, womb cramps, not mobile enough to work around for the next couple of years and thus unable to earn a living for herself. During that time, it is expected for men to provide from the women in working extra shift to financial support the family.
Since our entire civilization is based upon procreation, this means that it is a constant exchange of beauty and resources in the coitus market. So while women ofc have other qualities to augment her worth, her sex appeal remain her number 1 asset in the society while seeking a mate. Without being able to generate the necessary nervous stimulation of a man, she is basically useless as a childbearer.
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Human consciousness overrode the biological imperative long ago; it is incorrect to suggest that the majority of people on this earth live to procreate. You are the perfect example of a nerd who makes the mistake of attempting to summarize messy things in a neat way, leading to a sterile and impotent perspective on what it is that makes humans tick. The worlds is a more difficult place to understand once one admits that sweeping explanations as to the essence of what drives humans are the wrong way to go.
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EPT
