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no one said mask your feelings? the point was saying 'would you like to go out on a date' is gonna turn a lot of people off because it is something that an inexperienced and unconfident person would say instead of 'hey lets go out sometime'. it isnt like horribly bad or anything, and there will plenty of people who wont be turned off by it at all, but there is enough people who would that you could just say it in a better way
if someone is talking about exclusivity after 2 dates, that is also a very big red flag. they cant possibly know enough about you in that short amount of time. that's what, two weeks max? because someone who is actually interested in you isnt letting more than a week pass before each date that early on. people who bring that up that early are almost always more concerned with stopping you from going out and finding someone else rather than being awesome and making you not want anyone else.
no one is saying hide your feelings. you can make your feelings obvious in a lot more subtle ways. talking about exclusivity early on just screams clingy, controlling, etc. you should only bring it up when you know what it is when you want: casual, exclusive, end it, open, etc...
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On July 20 2013 23:38 QuanticHawk wrote:
no one said mask your feelings? the point was saying 'would you like to go out on a date' is gonna turn a lot of people off because it is something that an inexperienced and unconfident person would say instead of 'hey lets go out sometime'.
if someone is talking about exclusivity after 2 dates, that is also a very big red flag. they cant possibly know enough about you in that short amount of time. that's what, two weeks max? because someone who is actually interested in you isnt letting more than a week pass before each date that early on. people who bring that up that early are almost always more concerned with stopping you from going out and finding someone else rather than being awesome and making you not want anyone else.
no one is saying hide your feelings. you can make your feelings obvious in a lot more subtle ways. talking about exclusivity early on just screams clingy, controlling, etc.
I edited out, since I didn't feel like having an argument about a bunch of stuff. However, I do think that, while talking about exclusivity after a couple of dates is pointless, you should make it known that you're looking for an exclusive relationship in general. There's a difference between saying "are we exclusive now?" and just generally communicating that, however things go, your end goal is to find an exclusive relationship (as opposed to casual sex, hookups, or polyamorous multiple relationships). That's what I meant.
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i would only say something about it if it were brought up by the other person. bringing that up voluntarily typically just looks like youre looking for anyone to fill the void your last ex left you with, even if that isnt your intention. if someone asks you, you answer honestly but say something that makes it clear you arent just looking for a warm body
letting your actions do the talking and allowing it grow organically is, in my experience, way way better. fuck buddies, you only call when it is late or youre drunk. casual dating, you generally dont make small talk until you are calling to plan a date or already on it. someone youre sizing up for soething exclusive, youre chatting with during the day, feeling out stuff they like and planning things to do beyond your next date and verbalizing that.
something like 'hey i know you like museums, sometime at the end of the month we should go see the met' says the exact same thing as 'id am looking for something more serious', but has actions to behind it to prove it because youre thinking about that person, looking past the next date and acting on it.
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On July 20 2013 23:54 QuanticHawk wrote:
i would only say something about it if it were brought up by the other person. bringing that up voluntarily typically just looks like youre looking for anyone to fill the void your last ex left you with
letting your actions do the talking and allowing it grow organically is, in my experience, way way better. fuck buddies, you only call when it is late or youre drunk. casual dating, you generally dont make small talk until you are calling to plan a date or already on it. someone youre sizing up for soething exclusive, youre chatting with during the day, feeling out stuff they like and planning things to do beyond your next date and verbalizing that.
something like 'hey i know you like museums, sometime at the end of the month we should go see the met' says the exact same thing as 'id am looking for something more serious', but has actions to behind it to prove it because youre thinking about that person, looking past the next date and acting on it.
I agree, generally. I think it's basically a play-it-by-ear kind of thing. If you happen to have discussions with this girl about relationships or what you're looking for in the future, or whatever, it should be an organic thing. I've often had it just come up in regular conversation without anyone really "bringing it up." So in that case, I'd say you can talk honestly, since the conversation is organic. There's no real point in randomly bringing up seriousness after 2 dates, unless you have a good reason to believe that the girl in question is absolutely opposed to (casually) dating different people at once, or something. That said, if there is confusion two months down the line, it's definitely permissible to have a quick talk and smooth things out, so long as it's not tactless and doesn't come across as accusatory.
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yeah i have too. it is kinda a gendered stereotype, but the two things you generally dont want to be the one to bring up as a dude are the 'how many people have you slept with convo' and the 'what are you looking for' i nthe general sense like were talking about here. way too many negative outcomes there, esp if you started that convo
but yeah two months, youre definitely into owe it to the other person to give them a heads up territory
but as far as two dates, you owe that person nothing as far exclusivity. if youre not chasing other options, it should be by choice if you dont roll that way, or because you like them that much. if it is because of a what will they think mentality it is stupid
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I think we agree. It's weird; most of the girls I've dated have been either willing to talk about the "how many people have you slept with"/"what are you looking for" stuff, or it's just arisen naturally really quickly for some reason. Maybe I just meet women who don't like to beat around the bush, haha. For that, I'm thankful.
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I think you guys have too much "taboos" ( i understand it's not actually that but i couldn't find a better way :p ) about the "date" word or serious talks.
Of course this is nothing to come up with during the first dates, but if you don't have a serious talk after about two months ( depending on how much you meet of course) it is not more "cool" or anything. It's not a bad thing to debate on any subject if the two of you are interested in talking about it; and when you are only interested in potentially long relationships you'd want to know early enough if the girl has the same mindset or not so that you don't end up loosing time with someone who's just having some fun.
It's like people who don't like speaking about past relationships with their new partners, but sometimes it can help understand someone better, the way they feel and what hardships they've been through. Again it's not something to bother with during first dates but it's important to relate more to the other person after some time.
Obviously every case is different because we all seek different things in relationships. But you shouldn't refrain yourself from saying what you feel or what you want just because you want to appear cooler.
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I'm temping in an office job to pay for uni. Basically it's just fucking about and having a laugh with the other temps in our own office, which is down a pretty long hallway a bit secluded from the permanent workers, so we tend to get really loud. There's five of us, while our office only has 4 computers, so sometimes we have to sit in a perm's office.
So I was talking to the other temps about one of the perms I find rather cute and we spent about two hours discussing the matter, having a laugh and creating an alter ego for me (in jest) which I'd use to impress her. My testosterone-avatar is an ex-convict who rides a motorcycle, brews his own beer, breeds pit bulls and eats exclusively meat and pussy. My opening line would be scratching my knee and saying "My dick itches!". Obviously we were joking the entire time while making up this paragon of manliness...
So yesterday I was the last temp to arrive, so I had to pick a perm's office to work in, so obviously I picked the one of the girl I was just talking about.
About a minute of sitting there later, I realized that through some weird miracle of acoustics, I couldn't just hear the other temps, I could distinctly understand every. single. word.
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I think you need to balance between not unnecessarily causing your partner to feel uncomfortable (by saying really desperate/accusatory things really early in the relationship and without context) and realizing that some things are necessary for the relationship to last. I think too many people equate "she breaks up with me" with "bad consequence." Yes, it will hurt if she breaks up with you, but if her reason for breaking up with you is that you want to be serious and she's not ready for that, it's for the best that you do break up, because you're looking for different things, as is your right.
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On July 21 2013 01:06 Meow-Meow wrote:
I'm temping in an office job to pay for uni. Basically it's just fucking about and having a laugh with the other temps in our own office, which is down a pretty long hallway a bit secluded from the permanent workers, so we tend to get really loud. There's five of us, while our office only has 4 computers, so sometimes we have to sit in a perm's office.
So I was talking to the other temps about one of the perms I find rather cute and we spent about two hours discussing the matter, having a laugh and creating an alter ego for me (in jest) which I'd use to impress her. My testosterone-avatar is an ex-convict who rides a motorcycle, brews his own beer, breeds pit bulls and eats exclusively meat and pussy. My opening line would be scratching my knee and saying "My dick itches!". Obviously we were joking the entire time while making up this paragon of manliness...
So yesterday I was the last temp to arrive, so I had to pick a perm's office to work in, so obviously I picked the one of the girl I was just talking about.
About a minute of sitting there later, I realized that through some weird miracle of acoustics, I couldn't just hear the other temps, I could distinctly understand every. single. word.
Well at least you know she knows you like her. Or just hope and pray that she wasn't there that day. But if she was there at least she knows your interested in her. Could potentially work out in your favor. I wonder if any of the other perms know...
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A big part of the reason why people with more experience recommend so many "taboos" is because those are usually about spots that are the biggest newb traps ever.
Talking about your previous relationships for example is completely fine if you can do it in a way that doesn't sound as if you're comparing them to your current partner. That also includes really being over the relationship you're talking about. If you give this kind of explanation the majority of people will be like "Oh, sure I'm already over her" without this actually being the case. Those people then go off wondering why they pissed of their partner when they talked about what they liked about their last relationship.
Or another prime example, buying a drink for the girl. Yes, it's completely fine if you do it in a way that's no big deal for you. ("I'll go get myself a drink, what do you want/do you want something, too?" and then not making a big fuss about it) ~ If you tell this to someone who isn't very experienced it's easy for him to run out of ideas and use "buying something for her" as a synonym for "spending money so she keeps talking to me" which is both what the majority of guys do and also one of the most unattractive things you can pull off.
From my experience most people are better off hearing "Avoid talk with her about your previous relationships" or "Don't buy the girl a drink when you just met her". The exceptions to those rules become pretty obvious when you keep up your empathy. Once you're past the issues that cause those kind of things to be newb traps you're at a point where you can make whatever work for you, simply because you have the mindset and attitude to back it off. That's also why it sucks so much when you're trying to learn from guys who are "naturally good with women" - those differences are rarely obvious to them.
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On July 21 2013 02:01 MysteryMeat1 wrote:Show nested quote +On July 21 2013 01:06 Meow-Meow wrote:
I'm temping in an office job to pay for uni. Basically it's just fucking about and having a laugh with the other temps in our own office, which is down a pretty long hallway a bit secluded from the permanent workers, so we tend to get really loud. There's five of us, while our office only has 4 computers, so sometimes we have to sit in a perm's office.
So I was talking to the other temps about one of the perms I find rather cute and we spent about two hours discussing the matter, having a laugh and creating an alter ego for me (in jest) which I'd use to impress her. My testosterone-avatar is an ex-convict who rides a motorcycle, brews his own beer, breeds pit bulls and eats exclusively meat and pussy. My opening line would be scratching my knee and saying "My dick itches!". Obviously we were joking the entire time while making up this paragon of manliness...
So yesterday I was the last temp to arrive, so I had to pick a perm's office to work in, so obviously I picked the one of the girl I was just talking about.
About a minute of sitting there later, I realized that through some weird miracle of acoustics, I couldn't just hear the other temps, I could distinctly understand every. single. word. Well at least you know she knows you like her. Or just hope and pray that she wasn't there that day. But if she was there at least she knows your interested in her. Could potentially work out in your favor. I wonder if any of the other perms know...
I don't mind her knowing, it's more the dick jokes and the exuberant laughter.
Not that I have any intention of pursuing the matter, I'm a temp after all, so my chances should be right around the zero-value.
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On July 21 2013 02:33 Meow-Meow wrote:Show nested quote +On July 21 2013 02:01 MysteryMeat1 wrote:On July 21 2013 01:06 Meow-Meow wrote:
I'm temping in an office job to pay for uni. Basically it's just fucking about and having a laugh with the other temps in our own office, which is down a pretty long hallway a bit secluded from the permanent workers, so we tend to get really loud. There's five of us, while our office only has 4 computers, so sometimes we have to sit in a perm's office.
So I was talking to the other temps about one of the perms I find rather cute and we spent about two hours discussing the matter, having a laugh and creating an alter ego for me (in jest) which I'd use to impress her. My testosterone-avatar is an ex-convict who rides a motorcycle, brews his own beer, breeds pit bulls and eats exclusively meat and pussy. My opening line would be scratching my knee and saying "My dick itches!". Obviously we were joking the entire time while making up this paragon of manliness...
So yesterday I was the last temp to arrive, so I had to pick a perm's office to work in, so obviously I picked the one of the girl I was just talking about.
About a minute of sitting there later, I realized that through some weird miracle of acoustics, I couldn't just hear the other temps, I could distinctly understand every. single. word. Well at least you know she knows you like her. Or just hope and pray that she wasn't there that day. But if she was there at least she knows your interested in her. Could potentially work out in your favor. I wonder if any of the other perms know... I don't mind her knowing, it's more the dick jokes and the exuberant laughter. Not that I have any intention of pursuing the matter, I'm a temp after all, so my chances should be right around the zero-value.
I still feel like there's a way for you to play it off
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On July 21 2013 02:33 Meow-Meow wrote:Show nested quote +On July 21 2013 02:01 MysteryMeat1 wrote:On July 21 2013 01:06 Meow-Meow wrote:
I'm temping in an office job to pay for uni. Basically it's just fucking about and having a laugh with the other temps in our own office, which is down a pretty long hallway a bit secluded from the permanent workers, so we tend to get really loud. There's five of us, while our office only has 4 computers, so sometimes we have to sit in a perm's office.
So I was talking to the other temps about one of the perms I find rather cute and we spent about two hours discussing the matter, having a laugh and creating an alter ego for me (in jest) which I'd use to impress her. My testosterone-avatar is an ex-convict who rides a motorcycle, brews his own beer, breeds pit bulls and eats exclusively meat and pussy. My opening line would be scratching my knee and saying "My dick itches!". Obviously we were joking the entire time while making up this paragon of manliness...
So yesterday I was the last temp to arrive, so I had to pick a perm's office to work in, so obviously I picked the one of the girl I was just talking about.
About a minute of sitting there later, I realized that through some weird miracle of acoustics, I couldn't just hear the other temps, I could distinctly understand every. single. word. Well at least you know she knows you like her. Or just hope and pray that she wasn't there that day. But if she was there at least she knows your interested in her. Could potentially work out in your favor. I wonder if any of the other perms know... I don't mind her knowing, it's more the dick jokes and the exuberant laughter. Not that I have any intention of pursuing the matter, I'm a temp after all, so my chances should be right around the zero-value.
I would think being a temp would increase your chance because there is less of a worry about inner office relations. I would say pursue it; who knows, maybe she has similar humor as you and was wishing she could dick around in the temp office too
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Do dudes really make their past relationships the primary topic of conversation with new girls? #-_- Like, even girls I know well, when they start talking to me about their exes and stuff, I'm thinking, "Why the heck are you telling me this? >_> " And this is coming from a dude who is chill about pretty much everything.
Anyways, I'm not in the business of "gaming"/pickup anymore, but I still talk to lots of people. I just talk about things I like a lot, like hobbies, my college/fraternity, work, media, tech, and those are just the things I'm super super enthusiastic about. What I'm saying is, dudes, there's lots to talk about other than exes.
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On July 21 2013 03:27 JudicatorHammurabi wrote:
What I'm saying is, dudes, there's lots to talk about other than exes.
Agreed. However, sometimes it does come up, either because she wants to know (some girls are weird about this) or because you tell a funny story that happens to involve your ex and then your current date asks you for more details regarding that ex.
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On July 20 2013 08:53 LaNague wrote:
Also, i have a 9 year younger than me girl that i havent really done anything with, go to my mothers wedding with me tomorrow.
I did it to have some company since that side of my family is unbearable, but its starting to feel wrong.
ok so this went relatively well, so now i have to decide if a really want to pursue this, or if i just want to be friends.
She handled herself really well even though my family tried everything to annoy her.
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On July 21 2013 10:04 LaNague wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 08:53 LaNague wrote:
Also, i have a 9 year younger than me girl that i havent really done anything with, go to my mothers wedding with me tomorrow.
I did it to have some company since that side of my family is unbearable, but its starting to feel wrong. ok so this went relatively well, so now i have to decide if a really want to pursue this, or if i just want to be friends. She handled herself really well even though my family tried everything to annoy her. Go for it IMO, what do you have to lose?
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Northern Ireland23754 Posts
Talking about exes can be fun if you have some psychos with some anecdotes that are entertaining.
It's a bit simplistic, but generally the ex thing is only a red flag early on if you make it apparent you're still pining for them in some way. In my case I have an ex who has long since transitioned into the friendzone, and since then took time out of her busy life doing vetinary medicine over in Budapest to Skype my spirits up after my dad died. She did a better job of helping me deal with it than pretty much anyone else, for which I'm eternally grateful.
In that case I'll see her when she's back, and explain who she is to a current partner, with the added context. Haven't had any issues with it and tbh if there were I'd be inclined to decide the girl isn't worth it.
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EPT
