|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On July 20 2013 03:25 farvacola wrote:
Meet up with her at an informal locale like a cafe, bakery, or book store, have a conversation, if its going well you can move on to a bar, restaurant, or something bigger.
She works at a Cafe, so that is out of the question! A bakery isn't really a place you would go to do this kind of thing, at least not any bakery I've seen around here. And books aren't really my thing, but I like the idea of going somewhere/doing something peaceful that will help with a conversational atmosphere. But at the same time, I can be pretty awkward so maybe an actual activity that can hide that would be better?
On July 20 2013 03:30 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Go to an amusement park!
I thought about this, but the logistics just wouldn't work on the day we are meeting. And I hate the amount of people at these places on weekends.
On July 20 2013 03:46 StateAlchemist wrote:There are a lot of outdoor activities that you can do with a girl during summer and might be fun, you just have to pick one. Dont go tree climbing if she scared of heights tho !  You can chill at a café afterwards.
It's Winter! Although it really isn't cold here so I think most things could work.
On July 20 2013 03:52 aTnClouD wrote:
Anywhere is fine as long as you do not use the word date again and it's not a formal dinner with the bill paid by you. I like more dating in the afternoon the first time because it conveys a less serious atmosphere and you don't have to be stuck with the person all night if anything goes awkward.
I don't get what you mean, is it bad to say the word date? Also yeh, I'll avoid the dinner and/or movie thing. Afternoon would probably be my preferred time too.
A couple of ideas I had were some kind of museum as there are a few around(standard artsy types, science museums, planetarium etc) or the Botanic Gardens(there are a bunch of 'walks' to do here with different themed garden/forest set ups) - not sure if that is a first meeting type of place though?
|
whats wrong with saying date?
Also, i have a 9 year younger than me girl that i havent really done anything with, go to my mothers wedding with me tomorrow.
I did it to have some company since that side of my family is unbearable, but its starting to feel wrong.
|
The idea of not calling it a "date" is to make it more of a casual setting, keep her in the dark a bit, all that good kind of stuff. Instead of putting on the pressure of "WOW I'M DATING TOMORROW OH GOD" I used to prefer avoiding the word in general (and then escalating as usual anyway), nowadays I prefer to just mock the word when it comes up or exaggerate it. Either works fine, just don't be "just another guy who's dating her".
In a nutshell you want to avoid her seeing the same scenario she has already seen dozens of times. "Yeah, I'm on a date with that guy tomorrow, we'll prolly go drink a coffee and then he's gonna make a lame ass move when we're watching a movie later on" doesn't beat "I'm seeing this guy tomorrow and he said he wants to chase me around a museum we both wanna see. What? Date? No, that guy isn't into me. I mean, I'm not sure, do you think he is?" when talking to a buddy of hers.
When you're in a direct mindset anyway I'd rather exaggerate / mock classic dating culture from time to time. "What we're gonna do? We're gonna watch a movie and then either you have to be super scared and make me protect you or I'll have to yawn and casually take over your seat as well, might have to improvise that kind of shit a bit."
|
Call it what you want, if she's thrilled by a "date" keep it that way imho. First date should be relatively short (under 2 hours) unless you're really really really hitting it off. Delaying the pleasure/intimacy can builds up anticipation, for you and her. Anxious to know more, share more, etc. It eliminates uncomfortable situations as well.. you find out that she's kinda annoying, stuck on first course at a diner...not good! Just bought movie ticket and she pulls a total turn off...not good! You want a plan that you can both opt out of without causing embarassment or disrespect.
First date -> go for a drink/coffee, it sets a relaxing and friendly mood
2nd date -> typical walk with ice cream, desert or w/e
3rd date -> anything works really, time to carry some rubbers
Depends on person obviously, but I could'nt see myself intimate with a stranger on a first date.
GL!
edit: Since it has many layers, lets call it the "Onion dating plan" 
|
well, ill continue calling dates a date so that there are no misunderstandings, since your "Date? No, that guy isn't into me" can turn into friendzone really fast.
|
On July 20 2013 10:17 LaNague wrote:
well, ill continue calling dates a date so that there are no misunderstandings, since your "Date? No, that guy isn't into me" can turn into friendzone really fast.
No it can't. You'll get friend zoned when you don't escalate when you should, not more, not less.
|
Yeh i just used the word date(when asking the girl out) to make sure it was clear that I was interested in meeting as more than just a friend.
|
On July 20 2013 10:21 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 10:17 LaNague wrote:
well, ill continue calling dates a date so that there are no misunderstandings, since your "Date? No, that guy isn't into me" can turn into friendzone really fast. No it can't. You'll get friend zoned when you don't escalate when you should, not more, not less.
Tautology.
Anyway, OP, quibbling about the definition of the word isn't worth your time, particularly since this is your first real date. Go out and enjoy yourself. Unless you say the word "date" 100 times, nobody is going to care about it; anything to the contrary is basically pop psychology. If you do something incredibly stupid (which is doubtful since you seem personable and she agreed to go out with you) don't make a big deal out of it, chalk it up to experience, and learn from it. The idea that you need to craft the language you use is moronic unless you have some really terrible habits, which I didn't really pick up from what you said so far.
Yeh i just used the word date(when asking the girl out) to make sure it was clear that I was interested in meeting as more than just a friend.
It really depends on the girl in question. Some people date lots of random people when they're looking to start a relationship, whereas others have one person in mind and only seriously would want to date that particular person. That said, I'd say calling it a "date" makes it seem more like the latter than the former, but that's just anecdotal.
|
Was asking her what time would suit her, and she said night time. Knocks a few of the things I was thinking of out. I am pretty hopeless when it comes to thinking of things to do at night(neither of us really drink so a bar isn't such a great place).
I have one idea i thought i'd run by you all and see what you think.
http://www.brisbanelookout.com/
Basically it's a cafe + resaurant where you can go lookout over the city. Restaurant may be a bit much but i guess the cafe could work, as it would be more about the location than the cafe.
|
On July 20 2013 08:38 Resent wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 03:25 farvacola wrote:
Meet up with her at an informal locale like a cafe, bakery, or book store, have a conversation, if its going well you can move on to a bar, restaurant, or something bigger. She works at a Cafe, so that is out of the question! A bakery isn't really a place you would go to do this kind of thing, at least not any bakery I've seen around here. And books aren't really my thing, but I like the idea of going somewhere/doing something peaceful that will help with a conversational atmosphere. But at the same time, I can be pretty awkward so maybe an actual activity that can hide that would be better? I thought about this, but the logistics just wouldn't work on the day we are meeting. And I hate the amount of people at these places on weekends. Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 03:46 StateAlchemist wrote:There are a lot of outdoor activities that you can do with a girl during summer and might be fun, you just have to pick one. Dont go tree climbing if she scared of heights tho ! You can chill at a café afterwards. It's Winter! Although it really isn't cold here so I think most things could work. Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 03:52 aTnClouD wrote:
Anywhere is fine as long as you do not use the word date again and it's not a formal dinner with the bill paid by you. I like more dating in the afternoon the first time because it conveys a less serious atmosphere and you don't have to be stuck with the person all night if anything goes awkward. I don't get what you mean, is it bad to say the word date? Also yeh, I'll avoid the dinner and/or movie thing. Afternoon would probably be my preferred time too. A couple of ideas I had were some kind of museum as there are a few around(standard artsy types, science museums, planetarium etc) or the Botanic Gardens(there are a bunch of 'walks' to do here with different themed garden/forest set ups) - not sure if that is a first meeting type of place though?
The biggest mistake is to not call it a date. If you want her to be your gf eventually, make sure when ever you go out it's under the thought of a date. As this tells her you're interested in something beyond just friends. If she accepts you know shes interested in you. If not, you've saved tons of time and money, as well as moving on will be all the easier.
|
On July 20 2013 14:01 iAmWaKai wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 08:38 Resent wrote:On July 20 2013 03:25 farvacola wrote:
Meet up with her at an informal locale like a cafe, bakery, or book store, have a conversation, if its going well you can move on to a bar, restaurant, or something bigger. She works at a Cafe, so that is out of the question! A bakery isn't really a place you would go to do this kind of thing, at least not any bakery I've seen around here. And books aren't really my thing, but I like the idea of going somewhere/doing something peaceful that will help with a conversational atmosphere. But at the same time, I can be pretty awkward so maybe an actual activity that can hide that would be better? On July 20 2013 03:30 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Go to an amusement park! I thought about this, but the logistics just wouldn't work on the day we are meeting. And I hate the amount of people at these places on weekends. On July 20 2013 03:46 StateAlchemist wrote:There are a lot of outdoor activities that you can do with a girl during summer and might be fun, you just have to pick one. Dont go tree climbing if she scared of heights tho ! You can chill at a café afterwards. It's Winter! Although it really isn't cold here so I think most things could work. On July 20 2013 03:52 aTnClouD wrote:
Anywhere is fine as long as you do not use the word date again and it's not a formal dinner with the bill paid by you. I like more dating in the afternoon the first time because it conveys a less serious atmosphere and you don't have to be stuck with the person all night if anything goes awkward. I don't get what you mean, is it bad to say the word date? Also yeh, I'll avoid the dinner and/or movie thing. Afternoon would probably be my preferred time too. A couple of ideas I had were some kind of museum as there are a few around(standard artsy types, science museums, planetarium etc) or the Botanic Gardens(there are a bunch of 'walks' to do here with different themed garden/forest set ups) - not sure if that is a first meeting type of place though? The biggest mistake is to not call it a date. If you want her to be your gf eventually, make sure when ever you go out it's under the thought of a date. As this tells her you're interested in something beyond just friends. If she accepts you know shes interested in you. If not, you've saved tons of time and money, as well as moving on will be all the easier.
Putting yourself into a position in which you're at the mercy of the other person always sounds like a great idea in the realm of dating.
|
I forgot how precarious courting somebody on the internet can be. Baby steps I guess...
|
On July 20 2013 14:13 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2013 14:01 iAmWaKai wrote:On July 20 2013 08:38 Resent wrote:On July 20 2013 03:25 farvacola wrote:
Meet up with her at an informal locale like a cafe, bakery, or book store, have a conversation, if its going well you can move on to a bar, restaurant, or something bigger. She works at a Cafe, so that is out of the question! A bakery isn't really a place you would go to do this kind of thing, at least not any bakery I've seen around here. And books aren't really my thing, but I like the idea of going somewhere/doing something peaceful that will help with a conversational atmosphere. But at the same time, I can be pretty awkward so maybe an actual activity that can hide that would be better? On July 20 2013 03:30 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Go to an amusement park! I thought about this, but the logistics just wouldn't work on the day we are meeting. And I hate the amount of people at these places on weekends. On July 20 2013 03:46 StateAlchemist wrote:There are a lot of outdoor activities that you can do with a girl during summer and might be fun, you just have to pick one. Dont go tree climbing if she scared of heights tho ! You can chill at a café afterwards. It's Winter! Although it really isn't cold here so I think most things could work. On July 20 2013 03:52 aTnClouD wrote:
Anywhere is fine as long as you do not use the word date again and it's not a formal dinner with the bill paid by you. I like more dating in the afternoon the first time because it conveys a less serious atmosphere and you don't have to be stuck with the person all night if anything goes awkward. I don't get what you mean, is it bad to say the word date? Also yeh, I'll avoid the dinner and/or movie thing. Afternoon would probably be my preferred time too. A couple of ideas I had were some kind of museum as there are a few around(standard artsy types, science museums, planetarium etc) or the Botanic Gardens(there are a bunch of 'walks' to do here with different themed garden/forest set ups) - not sure if that is a first meeting type of place though? The biggest mistake is to not call it a date. If you want her to be your gf eventually, make sure when ever you go out it's under the thought of a date. As this tells her you're interested in something beyond just friends. If she accepts you know shes interested in you. If not, you've saved tons of time and money, as well as moving on will be all the easier. Putting yourself into a position in which you're at the mercy of the other person always sounds like a great idea in the realm of dating.
mercy? So being up front and letting the person know what you want the relationship to be is a bad thing? If you can't trust the person with your feelings, let alone tell them what you want. How could the relationship ever work out? Isn't the fact that each side trys to make these subtle moves that are missed most of the time create frustrating "what ifs". It's about spontaneity. If she doesn't want to go on a date with you, she most likely isn't interested. As my gf says, it's either black or its white, there's no gray.
|
Is dating two women at the same time acceptable? I've went on a date with this girl for about 2 times and we've kissed, however a different girl is showing interest in me and hinted at going on a date as well. I don't really have feelings for either of them. This stopped me in the past. But I realized I don't really have had any feelings for girls which I don't know. I really need to know people better before feelings develop so that's why I'm inclined to say yes to the second girl. I just don't want to come across a douche with the first one if that happens to not work out :/
|
Being up front and letting someone know you want a relationship before having time one on one is a pretty damn creepy thing. Hell, wanting a relationship with someone before having spent quality time one on one itself is pretty creepy.
The difference lies between someone yelling out HEY YOU I LIKE YOU SO MUCH THAT I'M CONSIDERING YOU AS A POTENTIAL PARTNER and someone who is completely chill about just spending that time alone because he knows that at any point in time he has the ability to escalate it sexually and the confidence in being attractive enough for her to make her super happy about it.
It's quite similar to guys asking "So... when do I ask her if we're in a relationship or not?!" instead of being confident enough that they're that awesome to be around that the question shouldn't even be asked. Your position assumes inferior value and inferior attractiveness, that's what makes it a weak one.
Every attractive girl has seen dozens of guys who want to date her, who want to invite them to fancy places, who want to court them in all kind of ways. In the contrary what most girls haven't seen before is a guy who isn't turning into a slobbering dog because of her beauty and doesn't compliment attributes or behaviours just because he's into her. That's the type of guy that gets girls chasing after him.
The difference is the mindset of "Hey, I think you're cool and I'm choosing you to have fun together" versus "Hey, do you think I'm cool enough to spend time together with you?"
|
On July 20 2013 21:55 Recognizable wrote:
Is dating two women at the same time acceptable? I've went on a date with this girl for about 2 times and we've kissed, however a different girl is showing interest in me and hinted at going on a date as well.
If it's acceptable for you, it's acceptable. Social standards also say that relationships with multiple people at the same time aren't acceptable, doesn't help if that's exactly what you're into.
Only advice that can be given for that situation is to be mindful of everyone involved, you should know best if the girl you already kissed is more into having some fun here and there or if she already sees you two getting married a couple of years down the road. Ideally you established what exactly you're looking for (or not looking for) early on without being super direct about it.
Unless you want to be an ass there's no reason to cause hurt feelings for someone you care for when it can be easily avoided.
|
That's the thing. I really don't want to hurt someone. But if one becomes attached that will be impossible. I definitely haven't communicated: "I want a relationship" with the first girl and she seems to be going along with that as well. We don't often text (Thank god, I hate texting) and it's not as if she's making the grandest efforts to see me. But every time we've been together she does seem very interested. I'm getting mixed signals here. I guess I will take her out once more and see how it goes. I'll arrange a date with the other girl as well. Fuck this. I don't want to think about it too much :/
|
Of course you can date more than one person at the same time. Even if you aren't exploring the possibility of starting a relationship with both (also fine, as long as they know about and accept it), it is fully acceptable to explore more than one possibility at a time. I'd say it's even quite normal, at this point.
|
unless you have had the 'what are we doing with this' talk, assume the other person is exploring other options, and you should be too. you cant reasonably hold people to whatever form of dating youve cooked up in your head without articulating it. that is unfair.
i think the only time i would say the word date when asking someone out is if it were someone i was already friends with just so that it is clear. you meet someone at a bar or where ever, hey we should go out some time says more than enough. saying we should go on a date sometime just sounds like something someone who rarely goes on dates would say in that situation
|
Edit: Nevermind. Debating in a dating thread isn't worth it.
OT: I think you should play it cool with the dating multiple girls thing. Do so, but make sure you're clear about the relationship being casual, and don't give any signs that you're more serious than you actually are.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
