EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 1059
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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JimmiC
Canada22817 Posts
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NewSunshine
United States5938 Posts
On March 10 2020 23:38 JimmiC wrote: I understand that is sucks. I'm just saying that if you give a extremely mature a response it flips it from you over reacting to her being insensitive to your feelings. So in the response you can make it clear it does hurt your feelings but that you still trust and care for her. And you are not saying that it does not. You are just not making some ultimatum. If she still decides to keep it after you respond like that then you have to decide on your own if it is a deal breaker, if it is you pull the plug, you don't put it on her because even if she picks to get rid of it she will resent you for it. I think basically in the best you can and you words you need to let her know that her keeping it makes you feel bad, but that it is her choice. And then if she chooses to keep it and hurt your feelings than you have to decide if you are alright with that. Trying to force her in anyway to get rid of it works out bad for you no matter what. Agreed. Just because her keeping it at first can seem like she's doing it in spite of you, it doesn't necessarily make that the case. Good relationships are based on communicating when pinch points like this reveal themselves, and trusting the other person to be able to handle it in a way that respects you, and what you have together. The correct thing to do is respectfully make your feelings known, without putting excess pressure on her, and let her make a choice with that information now that she has it. And then talk about that in turn, whether it's a serious problem in the event she still wants to keep it, and what that might mean. Assuming the worst case scenario emerges through all this, you still arrived at this point honestly, and without constantly worrying if she secretly wants a different relationship more. | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
It's annoying how that prick put a wench so easily between us. Yes, I know it's partially on me, but let's be honest here, many people would not appreciate such a gesture. And this guy did not even send a few flowers, you know, to signal that he is still holding out on hope. That would've been a big no no as well, but this fucker essentially sent a memorabilia; an immortal reminder of himself AFTER they have been broken up for more than 6 months. Part of me wanted to message him on Fbook, but others suggested not to even think of that. I'm a guy, I know how desperate and hopeful we can get. I know this was not the last we've heard of him. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
To Jimmi’s point about people wanting you to be jealous: this should usually just be interpreted as the other person seeking signs from you of investment and love. They want to know that they are as important to you as they are to others. Unless of course it’s pathological, in which case you are just dodging a bullet if they leave you for insufficient jealousy on your part. | ||
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LegalLord
United Kingdom13775 Posts
On March 11 2020 00:45 Volband wrote: Yeah, thanks... I'm trying. It's annoying how that prick put a wench so easily between us. Yes, I know it's partially on me, but let's be honest here, many people would not appreciate such a gesture. And this guy did not even send a few flowers, you know, to signal that he is still holding out on hope. That would've been a big no no as well, but this fucker essentially sent a memorabilia; an immortal reminder of himself AFTER they have been broken up for more than 6 months. Part of me wanted to message him on Fbook, but others suggested not to even think of that. I'm a guy, I know how desperate and hopeful we can get. I know this was not the last we've heard of him. A lot has been said on that you should be mature on this and understanding of the situation. But frankly, I think it’s also troubling that she doesn’t seem to respect that it’s not something you’re happy about. Whether or not she ultimately keeps the gift, the lack of acknowledgement of the problem is trouble. And you’re absolutely right to be upset about it, for that matter. Gifts like that are not for nothing. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16710 Posts
On March 11 2020 02:19 LegalLord wrote: A lot has been said on that you should be mature on this and understanding of the situation. But frankly, I think it’s also troubling that she doesn’t seem to respect that it’s not something you’re happy about. Whether or not she ultimately keeps the gift, the lack of acknowledgement of the problem is trouble. And you’re absolutely right to be upset about it, for that matter. Gifts like that are not for nothing. +1, good points. If this woman has been your gal pal for less than six months then ... keep on looking out for #1. | ||
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xM(Z
Romania5281 Posts
take it, hide it, tell her you threw it and see how she reacts. if tears? ... it's over; you make it be over. | ||
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NewSunshine
United States5938 Posts
On March 11 2020 03:39 xM(Z wrote: unless the toy is magic or she is collecting toys/animals/roses ... you have a giant red flag here. take it, hide it, tell her you threw it and see how she reacts. if tears? ... it's over; you make it be over. I enthusiastically recommend never doing this. | ||
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JimmiC
Canada22817 Posts
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Mohdoo
United States15689 Posts
On March 11 2020 00:45 Volband wrote: Yeah, thanks... I'm trying. It's annoying how that prick put a wench so easily between us. Yes, I know it's partially on me, but let's be honest here, many people would not appreciate such a gesture. And this guy did not even send a few flowers, you know, to signal that he is still holding out on hope. That would've been a big no no as well, but this fucker essentially sent a memorabilia; an immortal reminder of himself AFTER they have been broken up for more than 6 months. Part of me wanted to message him on Fbook, but others suggested not to even think of that. I'm a guy, I know how desperate and hopeful we can get. I know this was not the last we've heard of him. 1. Ask her how much of this she thinks is reasonable 2. Come to an agreement on when it makes sense for her to tell the guy to stop 3. Execute said plan | ||
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dankobanana
Croatia238 Posts
On March 10 2020 23:29 Volband wrote: But I can't let her keep it. It is such a mental barrier for me. I can't look at her the same. I don't want to be afraid before every single anniversary (name day, birthday, etc) whether she will get something from her ex again, and whether it will be nicer than the things I have bought her. I mean, that guy is kinda loaded, so it will probably be nicer. Anyway, the gesture of keeping it is extremely degrading to me. It is saying that "I understand that it hurts you deeply and strips away all your confidence, but... look at it! It's pretty! So it stays". Man up dude. This guy is her past and you are her present. She CHOSE you! She has a past, we all do. Its ok to have memories, even feelings of some sorts. But in the end of the day its the guy she chooses that day. Show her that she made a good choice and don't fret about stupid things. There is nothing degrading in the gesture. You are just seeing it that way because you are insecure. If that gesture strips away all your confidence, did you really had it? Work on yourself and it. Be her rock. Also if you think she will eventually choose him because he gets her nicer things, then why would you be with someone so shallow? My advice? Ignore it and work on growing some confidence and making her happy. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16710 Posts
On March 11 2020 06:31 dankobanana wrote: Man up dude. On March 11 2020 06:31 dankobanana wrote: Show her that she made a good choice and don't fret about stupid things. On March 11 2020 06:31 dankobanana wrote: There is nothing degrading in the gesture. You are just seeing it that way because you are insecure. If that gesture strips away all your confidence, did you really had it? Work on yourself and it. Be her rock. On March 11 2020 06:31 dankobanana wrote: My advice? Ignore it and work on growing some confidence and making her happy. Growing confidence is a herculean... and sometimes heroic undertaking. A lot of people do not know how to develop bullet-proof confidence. It takes a lot of work and building confidence is different for every person. Building confidence is a journey. Such an exercise takes time, experimentation, some good note taking habits, plenty of self reflection , ruthless honesty , and a lot of effort. It is best to build one's over all self esteem concurrently while building one's confidence. Self esteem and confidence are tightly inter related. My personal recommendation is in the form of 3 action-oriented programs. 1. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem : this is the theoretical foundation 2. How to Raise Your Self Esteem : this is a work book. 3. Taking Responsibility : another work book. All three authored by Dr. Nathaniel Branden. Going one step underneath the psychological and into the physiological I'd recommend checking out Eli Bay's "Relaxation Response" method. Knowing when you're shaken , tense or mentally off balance is important. Eli Bay's simple techniques provide the tools to assess that and get your body out of the "fight or flight" nervous response that is detrimental to fun relationships. | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
The only gift that was too much for me was a bouquet of artifical roses with Love written on them somewhere. That kinda weirded me out, like why would you keep it in your room when you are with someone else, but turned out it was his brother's, she just took it. (at least I hope she said the truth..) It's an exaggeration, but if I am fine with her wanting to keep a NEW gift from her ex while we are together, I might as well catch her red-handed with some dude and just pat them on the back, because I am confident that while they were having sex, she was thinking about me for sure. You have to draw the line somewhere, and this one tips the scale. She said something similair, that she doesn't think it's a big deal, and she thinks I look down on myself for some reason, but how do you not do that when an unwanted, unrequested gift from an ex who "means nothing to her anymore" is being defended against my wishes and feelings? If I am being humiliated, why am I the one being told to grow some self-confidence? Maybe it's not stellar, maybe it needs some more work, but in a relationship you would expect to elevate one-another, and not being presented with a reminder that other romantic interests have their place with her - even if it is truly not romantic. This was especially depressing due to women's day, when I gave her my own gifts, so of course I am self-conscious if an ex of her sends her something and she wants to keep it. What sane person would not compare these gifts and the reaction to them? Unless, of course, she gets rid of it immidiately, because even if she got 100 tulips from him, and just one from me, if she gets rid of those, than it doesn't matter that they were prettier, more expensive, etc., she made a very clear choice. My course of action would be vastly different. I would be royally pissed at my ex, and I would tell her to stop her antics, because I may be tolerant towards her clingy bullshit, but now I have to think about another person as well, and I am sure as hell not going to risk my relationship (or her getting hurt) for her hopeless attempts at getting my attention, so maybe we get together again. So either heed my call, and end this nicely, or fight it out the ugly way. I would not even consider keeping the gift, unless it's literally a brand new house, or a $20 million dollar car - I'd have no idea what to do in that case. Now, I understand that I can't expect the same reaction from her, and she told me she thinks this will never happen again, so it's done and over with, but I have been the desperate guy before, so I know that this doesn't end with this. An expensive gift after 6+ months, without any message? That is the definition of to be continued. Anyway, I can't fault her for thinking that way, but to even have an argument about keeping it is demoralizing. What I gathered from her, she is going to get rid of it, but I don't know anymore. She seemed pissy, and how will I ever know if she actually did it, or if she will tell me if this happens again? You tell me I lack confidence, but it took a long time of wrestling with my demons to be positive about us. I started this whole relationship with the mindset of not repeating the same mistakes I have been for a very long time. Not to play games, not to hold back in fear of failure, etc. It hasn't been easy, but by and large I succeeded. I had to come to terms with many things you guys consider natural, like having different kinds of love languages, and understanding that we love differently, so just because she's not extra-high on physical contact for example, does not mean she doesn't like me. And it's not like she doesn't have her pet peeves. We had many arguments about stuff which did not make any logical sense whatsoever to me. Like, I had no idea why those things were bothering her, and it seemed like a big deal. But it took me 0 effort to change those things, so I did. Why wouldn't I? A part of me wanted to argue about it, so I can understand, but maybe there are things we are not meant to understand. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter, these are small things. Just like the question of whether to keep an expensive, cute gift from her ex, which she's gotten just now. She doesn't think it's a big deal, I think it's a huge deal. If it is unimportant to her, then why keep fighting for it? edit: checked the price tag of the gift. it's 80Ł | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8651 Posts
if youre in a relationship with someone its straight up inappropriate to be receiving romantic gifts from your ex. i would expect my gf to politely decline or straight up chuck that shit out the window, depending on the ex and how their relationship ended. if my gf took gifts from a guy whos supposed to be part of her past and all ties completely cut off, id be questioning the latter part of that statement. theres gotta be something left for you to want to hold on to a gift from your ex when youre with someone else | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9235 Posts
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
The only concession I would make is that there is a "confident" way to convey how you are right, and there is a "whinny" way; do the first one. But I would basically demand my gf to dump it. It's just an odd situation I can't really put myself in because my gf would simply not do such thing. | ||
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Shuffleblade
Sweden1903 Posts
On March 11 2020 16:37 Volband wrote: It is related to confidence, but I don't see how is that confident if I let other dudes walk over me. This phrase reminds me of How can I not be irritatable when people look at me weirdly. An ex sending a present to your gf has literally 0 to do with you, it could possibly be disrespectful to your gf i she has set firm boundaries. For you to be so rattled by something that really isn't a problem shows that you are insecure, don't deny that. Its fine to be insecure, just be honest about it, talk about it and try to improve it. On March 11 2020 16:37 Volband wrote: That sounds like a recipe to be cheated. I am not advocating for her to throw out all the gifts she got from her ex while they were together, nor do I want to forbid her from having guy friends - these give me some bad thoughts and feelings as well, but I can easily rationalize them, and understand that it comes from a state of bad self-esteem, so the best course of action is to not make her feel guilty about those. I even acknowledged how nice some of his gifts were, even if deep down I'd wish they weren't there. The only gift that was too much for me was a bouquet of artifical roses with Love written on them somewhere. That kinda weirded me out, like why would you keep it in your room when you are with someone else, but turned out it was his brother's, she just took it. (at least I hope she said the truth..) Its not alright to do something bad (like telling someone else what to do with their things) just because you didn't do something even worse. Hey I just told her she's a "censored", its not like I physically hit her. It doesn't matter that you "could do worse" that doesn't make what you are doing less bad, stop going on about what "isn't" a problem for you because that doesn't matter. Also your comment about how letting her get a present from an ex is like a recipe for getting cheated on bring up huge red warning signs to me. You seem to have major trust issues and that is something you need to work on, you should talk about this with her but ultimately its up to you to improve on it because frankly it is not attractive and very draining for your partner to Always have to feel like you dont trust her and for her to have to constantly consider what might make you doubt her and what might not. On March 11 2020 16:37 Volband wrote: It's an exaggeration, but if I am fine with her wanting to keep a NEW gift from her ex while we are together, I might as well catch her red-handed with some dude and just pat them on the back, because I am confident that while they were having sex, she was thinking about me for sure. You have to draw the line somewhere, and this one tips the scale. She said something similair, that she doesn't think it's a big deal, and she thinks I look down on myself for some reason, but how do you not do that when an unwanted, unrequested gift from an ex who "means nothing to her anymore" is being defended against my wishes and feelings? If I am being humiliated, why am I the one being told to grow some self-confidence? Maybe it's not stellar, maybe it needs some more work, but in a relationship you would expect to elevate one-another, and not being presented with a reminder that other romantic interests have their place with her - even if it is truly not romantic. This was especially depressing due to women's day, when I gave her my own gifts, so of course I am self-conscious if an ex of her sends her something and she wants to keep it. What sane person would not compare these gifts and the reaction to them? Unless, of course, she gets rid of it immidiately, because even if she got 100 tulips from him, and just one from me, if she gets rid of those, than it doesn't matter that they were prettier, more expensive, etc., she made a very clear choice. It sounds like you need to have that relationship defining talk about were you draw the line, what is acceptable and what is not. If you think its not acceptable for her to accept presents from exes because that is comparable to cheating while she thinks it would be alright for you to be kissing someone else because that doesn't really mean crossing the line then you have a problem. The line needs to be clearly defined by the both of you, it cant be respected if you dont know were the line goes. On March 11 2020 16:37 Volband wrote: My course of action would be vastly different. I would be royally pissed at my ex, and I would tell her to stop her antics, because I may be tolerant towards her clingy bullshit, but now I have to think about another person as well, and I am sure as hell not going to risk my relationship (or her getting hurt) for her hopeless attempts at getting my attention, so maybe we get together again. So either heed my call, and end this nicely, or fight it out the ugly way. I would not even consider keeping the gift, unless it's literally a brand new house, or a $20 million dollar car - I'd have no idea what to do in that case. Now, I understand that I can't expect the same reaction from her, and she told me she thinks this will never happen again, so it's done and over with, but I have been the desperate guy before, so I know that this doesn't end with this. An expensive gift after 6+ months, without any message? That is the definition of to be continued. Anyway, I can't fault her for thinking that way, but to even have an argument about keeping it is demoralizing. What I gathered from her, she is going to get rid of it, but I don't know anymore. She seemed pissy, and how will I ever know if she actually did it, or if she will tell me if this happens again? You tell me I lack confidence, but it took a long time of wrestling with my demons to be positive about us. I started this whole relationship with the mindset of not repeating the same mistakes I have been for a very long time. Not to play games, not to hold back in fear of failure, etc. It hasn't been easy, but by and large I succeeded. I had to come to terms with many things you guys consider natural, like having different kinds of love languages, and understanding that we love differently, so just because she's not extra-high on physical contact for example, does not mean she doesn't like me. And it's not like she doesn't have her pet peeves. We had many arguments about stuff which did not make any logical sense whatsoever to me. Like, I had no idea why those things were bothering her, and it seemed like a big deal. But it took me 0 effort to change those things, so I did. Why wouldn't I? A part of me wanted to argue about it, so I can understand, but maybe there are things we are not meant to understand. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter, these are small things. Just like the question of whether to keep an expensive, cute gift from her ex, which she's gotten just now. She doesn't think it's a big deal, I think it's a huge deal. If it is unimportant to her, then why keep fighting for it? edit: checked the price tag of the gift. it's 80Ł As I wrote previously I Believe you need to have an open and honest discussion about "where the line goes" and your trust issue. It doesn't matter what you would have done because you are not her, and your way of handling that situation is in no way "better" than hers its just different. I wouldn't do what she is doing and therefore she is is in the wrong doesn't hold up as an argument. I agree that him sending her a present 6 months after their relationship ended isn't good if he knows that she is now dating someone else. If he doesn't know that its nothing bad from his end and for her to want to keep a nice present I can frankly sympathize. If I got something nice I wanted to keep I wouldn't care who I got it from, I would prefer to keep it since its nice. It doesn't have to have anything to do with emotional attachment it definitely isn't the same as being cheated on... For you to show such clear and upen distrust of her is something I would find unattractive in a partner, and to me that seems like more a problem in this relationship than this gift that probably doesn't mean anything. If you want her to respect your feelings you need to communicate them honestly and clearly and see how she reacts | ||
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Harris1st
Germany6929 Posts
On March 11 2020 03:39 xM(Z wrote: unless the toy is magic or she is collecting toys/animals/roses ... you have a giant red flag here. take it, hide it, tell her you threw it and see how she reacts. if tears? ... it's over; you make it be over. This is horrible advice! I think you may overreact a little but in your lenghty post you made clear that you know yourself quite well even from a meta point of view (outside looking in'ish) So I agree with what most of the others said: Tell her keeping the gift hurts you. Maybe ask what her reaction would be if your ex would give you something like this (or a male version of this). This gift clearly states "I miss you and want you back" and I can totally understand you beeing this conscious about it. | ||
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Acrofales
Spain17992 Posts
So yeah, the problem here doesn't appear to be the gift (the trigger is never the problem). It's that she reacted differently from what you expected, and that triggered questions about whether she feels the same for you as you do for her. It's possible that she doesn't and she has feelings for her ex that she had kinda ignored but were reignited when he sent her that gift and that's why she wants to keep it. It's also possible she has fond memories of their time together in the past, and the gift reminded her of that, but she's fully in love with you. It's also possible she never thought any further than "wow, that's so pretty". Unless you talk things through you'll never figure that shit out and the next time something triggers this reaction, it'll just be uglier. | ||
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