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On February 09 2020 02:46 redlightdistrict wrote: I am wildly confused. I met a girl who obviously likes me, but I asked her for her phone # and she says "sorry, I cant" but then she grabs my phone, gives me her Instagram, and tells me that she will follow and dm me later...what the shit?
I would double-check that she is single before doing anything.
Honestly, that's explained a solid 90% of "clearly interested, but also less-than-forthcoming in some key way" scenarios I've ever been in.
This happens quite often, especially from the mid 20s on (in my experience). I've had couple of girls flirting with me in the past year all of them with "clear signals of interest" and all of them were in a serious relationship. Fortunately I was aware of that so no harm done but that made me realize that girls need to check their value from time to time. No matter if they're in a relationship or not.
Is it not equally possible that frequently people misread the behaviour of friends as ‘clear signals of interest’?
I have a good friend and she does that playing with the hair thing that I generally associate with flirtation, but in her particular case it’s just a nervous tic that she’s always doing regardless of the company she’s in.
I don't think there is a point in discussing her intentions and behaviour. I was just sharing my experience and in the end it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong.
Maybe she was flirting and maybe she wasn't, thing is when someone asks for advice I assume that their perception is correct. So girl flirting => exchanging Instagram instead of # and promises to dm => still in a relationship => might checks her value. Could be right could be wrong but isn't something unreal.
On February 09 2020 02:46 redlightdistrict wrote: I am wildly confused. I met a girl who obviously likes me, but I asked her for her phone # and she says "sorry, I cant" but then she grabs my phone, gives me her Instagram, and tells me that she will follow and dm me later...what the shit?
I would double-check that she is single before doing anything.
Honestly, that's explained a solid 90% of "clearly interested, but also less-than-forthcoming in some key way" scenarios I've ever been in.
This happens quite often, especially from the mid 20s on (in my experience). I've had couple of girls flirting with me in the past year all of them with "clear signals of interest" and all of them were in a serious relationship. Fortunately I was aware of that so no harm done but that made me realize that girls need to check their value from time to time. No matter if they're in a relationship or not.
Is it not equally possible that frequently people misread the behaviour of friends as ‘clear signals of interest’?
I have a good friend and she does that playing with the hair thing that I generally associate with flirtation, but in her particular case it’s just a nervous tic that she’s always doing regardless of the company she’s in.
I'm certain that happens way more often than not, especially because it is true that one person's flirtation is another person's run-of-the-mill friendliness. But that's not always the story. Sometimes it's the previously discussed scenario where she's leading you on just to see if you'll show signs of interest in order to receive validation. Other times, it can be genuine interest, some signs of which are pretty unmistakable (at least in hindsight, lol), but with roadblocks in place to any form of further progression (going on dates, meeting the family, etc). In the latter case, I've often even seen that they will mention that they are in a committed relationship, but will still show a lot of the signs traditionally associated with being romantically interested (which I suppose is an odd use of the phrase "less than forthcoming" since they aren't exactly hiding the truth).
Farv's not wrong in that it does say something about you if you keep running into these kinds of situations over a long period of time. Mostly that we all have our fair share of naive optimism at some point, and that you shouldn't seek to paint women as the 100% bad actor in situations like this. Nevertheless, the core point still stands: almost all cases of her acting in a "complicated" way (clear romantic interest -> not being forthcoming) can be explained by her not being single, to the point that it should probably be the default assumption.
On February 10 2020 00:22 farvacola wrote: "Women who seem to show interest in me also end up already being in a relationship and leading me on" as a repetitive personal experience can say many different things about the individuals and categories of people involved, but in terms of strong versus weak inferences, it's more likely that one can make the former with regard to "me" rather than "women" as a category of individuals.
And then there's a pragmatism question that frames the thing in different terms. Let's assume for the sake of argument that there are indeed a significant number of women who lead men on as described above. Let's also assume that gender relations and the formation of personal relationships are two areas of life that operate without regard to what "fair" means or is. Do the men who "fall prey" to the seemingly duplicitous ways of the women described above possess characteristics that they themselves can work on such that they reduce the likelihood that they become involved in the "predatory" scenario in the first place? I think the answer is probably yes, particularly when weighed against the relatively unstable assumption that a significant group of women regularly and categorically lead men on in a culpable way
I guess it depends what one is looking for and how one goes about it?
I don’t have any luck whatsoever these days in such matters but I do have some good female friends I’ve made relatively recently, one from a brief dating scenario where carnal relations came into play so it’s not as if we didn’t initially have something more.
Since then like, we’re friends and it’s fine. She’d come out of an 8 year relationship that ended badly, told me straight up she didn’t want a relationship (which I did as an aspiration) and in the 9 months since has remained resolutely single and we have a good friendship and I get to meet new women via her too.
In terms of avoiding the ‘predatory’ scenario you envisage I perhaps overcompensate and maybe miss signals that are actual things, but I don’t tolerate women messing around either, if you want something serious yeah go for it, if you’re going to dance around it nah I’d rather just be friends and keep it that way.
I’m an extremely weird guy all things out in the open but I’ve never really found these supposed predatory value-seeking women to be much of a problem.
Wow I feel like you guys overthink this whole flirtation signs scenario.
I am in a comitted relationship right now, but when I'm out with the boys, I flirt with every girl that smiles at me. The only difference to beeing single is for me I'm never asking / giving out numbers and I'm always going home alone. Pretty sure most girls do the same. Easiest way out: Just ask if he/ she is goddamn single.
On February 10 2020 19:14 Harris1st wrote: Wow I feel like you guys overthink this whole flirtation signs scenario.
I am in a comitted relationship right now, but when I'm out with the boys, I flirt with every girl that smiles at me. The only difference to beeing single is for me I'm never asking / giving out numbers and I'm always going home alone. Pretty sure most girls do the same. Easiest way out: Just ask if he/ she is goddamn single.
Pretty much this. In fact, it's not limited to the pub. I went sailing yesterday and there was a new girl on the boat who was quite attractive. It was fun to flirt with her a bit and she responded in kind. Everybody on the boat knows I'm married, and I talked about how I had to go home immediately after because my wife was coming home from visiting her parents. That had 0 impact on the process, just on the possible outcome. Learn to deal with the fact that not everybody who smiles at you wants to jump into bed at the earliest possible convenience. And just because they don't, doesn't make them a tease who are leading you on.
On February 10 2020 19:14 Harris1st wrote: Wow I feel like you guys overthink this whole flirtation signs scenario.
I am in a comitted relationship right now, but when I'm out with the boys, I flirt with every girl that smiles at me. The only difference to beeing single is for me I'm never asking / giving out numbers and I'm always going home alone. Pretty sure most girls do the same. Easiest way out: Just ask if he/ she is goddamn single.
Pretty much this. In fact, it's not limited to the pub. I went sailing yesterday and there was a new girl on the boat who was quite attractive. It was fun to flirt with her a bit and she responded in kind. Everybody on the boat knows I'm married, and I talked about how I had to go home immediately after because my wife was coming home from visiting her parents. That had 0 impact on the process, just on the possible outcome. Learn to deal with the fact that not everybody who smiles at you wants to jump into bed at the earliest possible convenience. And just because they don't, doesn't make them a tease who are leading you on.
I hate to break this to you, but the “Billy Graham Rule” holds that it is unChristian to spend one-on-one time with any women to whom one is not married. So you are breaking that rule, not following it.
On February 11 2020 03:57 farvacola wrote: I hate to break this to you, but the “Billy Graham Rule” holds that it is unChristian to spend one-on-one time with any women to whom one is not married. So you are breaking that rule, not following it.
Yeah I know what you mean, I think the point I'm making is pretty clear. We do plan to get married though!
More power to ya, Bill Graham and his devotees like Mike Pence would look down on my relationship for similar reasons, though only for another 7 months or so.
So are you working on your shyness? From getting more involved in social activities to straight up talking with strangers as practice, there are a variety of avenues to choose from!
A money quote in my opinion is what I heard on the radio today (ofc paraphrasing a wee bit): "If there were contractual rules as to what is OK and what is not regarding sexual advances, then men would feel they have a right / entitlement to it if they abide by them."
That's why there's no surefire way to do this. If there were strict rules, people would just find a way to game the system. But there are no strict rules to mutual attraction, hence sometimes there's nothing one can do to get the attention / attraction one wants.
This isn't really an answer to anybody, but I'd like everyone else's opinion on statement in the first paragraph.
On March 08 2020 22:26 bloodwhore~ wrote: My FWB for a little over a year has started dating someone now. It will soon be time to start dating again. Need to take some good photos though
I had FWB a couple of years ago, was a good time that turned to complete shit after she admitted that she developed feelings via a 2 paged letter. Back then I was kinda happy because I felt like things were really great between us. So I suggested that we try sth. more serious, just to be told that she was drunk and high while writing that letter and wasn't serious about anything she's written. For some reason I wasn't really hurt but I'll never forget that. :-D
6 Weeks ago I wrote about the girl I got in contact with again after 12 years. Back then I spent one night with her sinceI had a meeting near her place/city (around 300km from where I live). A couple of days/weeks after that we agreed to meet again from 06.03 to 08.03 (past weekend) where we had a great time.
Unfortunately now I'm in a situation where I need to ask myself if I want to keep up contact and meet a couple of times more or leave it be. Thing is, I'd love to meet again but I just can't see how this could end well for me (or her) due to the distance.
So it might be better to end it sooner than later.
I met someone online in the middle of October, and we are together ever since.
Yesterday, she got an unanimous gift from her ex (we've concluded it is 99,999999999999% it was from him), most likely to women's day. I know what you expect my question to be, but no, it is not "how to deal with this going forward, how to prevent this from happening again?" She wants to fucking keep it, and her tone is such that she thinks I'm the asshole for making a fuss about it. It's a damn animal made out of roses or something.
This is such a fucking sucker punch that I can't nor do I want to go into further details about how I feel. Such a shameful feeling. What the fuck do I do?
But I can't let her keep it. It is such a mental barrier for me. I can't look at her the same. I don't want to be afraid before every single anniversary (name day, birthday, etc) whether she will get something from her ex again, and whether it will be nicer than the things I have bought her. I mean, that guy is kinda loaded, so it will probably be nicer.
Anyway, the gesture of keeping it is extremely degrading to me. It is saying that "I understand that it hurts you deeply and strips away all your confidence, but... look at it! It's pretty! So it stays".
EPT
