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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States44134 Posts
And I'd imagine that most people who read this thread just read the most recent entries; it's irrelevant (imho) who created this thread, or what the first 1000+ pages say. Quite frankly, I'm impressed that this thread has stayed mostly on track in terms of dating, as opposed to PUA/ banworthy discussion. People still regularly post here, so I don't understand the want to close the thread. | ||
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Metalreflux
United States165 Posts
But what you said is kind of exactly my point, people just read the most recent entries. Why not just make a dating thread that correlates to the year, so all the posts can be relevant to changes in social attitudes? It's an idea, I'm not saying I have some authority, just that to me it makes the most sense. I might just have a different view because I work in a very weird area of marketing, data collection & collation, graphics, and retention. People don't get far in my field without having that majorly compulsive organizational and compartmentive mindset. I don't think anyone is wrong for wanting it open. It's almost ten years old, that's damn impressive. It's a staple of the general forums. Just I personally have an opinion and it's 100% okay to disagree with me, I don't think there's a "correct" way to see most things or ideas, and the ability to get feedback and criticism is really valuable in every discussion. | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8632 Posts
On November 24 2019 10:51 Metalreflux wrote: The social, political, and dating climate of 10 years ago is pretty different. When I initially made this post, I, and no one I knew owned a Smart Phone yet, much less had the experience of using Tinder. Most Zoomers don't really date anyways, they kind of just do this FWB thing until they find one person they're cool with. Makes sense to me to maybe just kill the thread and start one that's not almost nine years worth of backlog no one sifts through anymore. Keep things more on topic. never heard of zoomer before either, but whatever your definition of zoomer is thats a pretty cynical way of looking at things. might be true for some definitely, but thats a pretty depressing generalisation of things. i am a pretty conservative person though. also if anything i think its better that this thread has years of posts archived. most people wont read it but to anyone interested it provides a good insight to how dating has changed in society. why erase all the history and information? | ||
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ThunderJunk
United States674 Posts
The last year I've been making a career change, and focusing totally on work. During this time, I haven't had much disposable income, and I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about dating, so I just didn't date. Nowadays I'm making enough money to be able to afford cool things once in a while... But honestly I'd rather spend my money injecting value into the Starcraft scene. So I do. I don't expect I'll date seriously until I've built myself up to a standard that I myself would find sexy. It's interesting how many different approaches there are to navigating the differences between our primal drives and the requirements of civilized living. Nowadays, since I'm a bit older, I see men who devote their whole lives to creating an atmosphere of responsible civility. In many ways, these are objectively superior men to the roguish others who women use for sex without attachment. They would of course be foolish to expect change from one type to the other at will. As someone seeking a partner, the most important thing is knowing what you want before the interaction starts. Because you want what you want regardless of your judgments of your wants, and that will always be true. Nothing worse than a resentful would-be lover. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States44134 Posts
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Artisreal
Germany9234 Posts
On November 24 2019 14:58 ThunderJunk wrote: [...] As someone seeking a partner, the most important thing is knowing what you want before the interaction starts. Because you want what you want regardless of your judgments of your wants, and that will always be true. Nothing worse than a resentful would-be lover. As a married person with 9,5 years of this relationship running, I tell you that I have had a rather rough idea of what kind of part I expect a relationship to be of my life. Without even trying out different things (or observing different things, that works as well in a way), the approach to what suits me appears to be rather theoretical. Much like, I need a, b and c to be happy, only to discover f is much more appealing after acquiring a, b and c. Although I might be misinterpreting this paragraph and you more or less say: be as you are. Which somethind rather differnt from obsessively trying to define what the ideal relationship is and has value in and of itself. What I really like about this thread is, that we can come in contact with various ways of approaching a relationship, of what people expect from a parner and so forth. We have polyamorism, monogamy, religious marriage is sacred people and the occasional incel/misogynist. This leads to a clash of opinions at times but I feel mostly it's about exchange and trying to help peole who ask for advice to either get to the main question or simply give personal advice. Now and then there'll be a scientificy question in the mix as well. | ||
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Dark_Chill
Canada3353 Posts
Let's say you're a big football fan, and you decide that you want a partner who is also a big football fan. You then meet someone who isn't a football fan, but they really like knitting, which you discover you actually like a lot and find that there's sufficient grounds to build a relationship off of this (OBVIOUSLY SIMPLIFIED, I KNOW). | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
We are about to be 3 years in with my gf, and a small incident when we where 1 month in the relationship hinted me very strongly that we shared values and I was right so far. We haven't even discussed politics yet! | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States44134 Posts
On November 24 2019 23:16 GoTuNk! wrote: I've found that the fundamental thing is having common values, rather than hobbies. Shared hobbies just add up on top of that but are not fundamental. We are about to be 3 years in with my gf, and a small incident when we where 1 month in the relationship hinted me very strongly that we shared values and I was right so far. We haven't even discussed politics yet! Hopefully your religious, political, ethical, and financial values are compatible with each other! | ||
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ThunderJunk
United States674 Posts
On November 24 2019 22:57 Artisreal wrote: As a married person with 9,5 years of this relationship running, I tell you that I have had a rather rough idea of what kind of part I expect a relationship to be of my life. Without even trying out different things (or observing different things, that works as well in a way), the approach to what suits me appears to be rather theoretical. Much like, I need a, b and c to be happy, only to discover f is much more appealing after acquiring a, b and c. Although I might be misinterpreting this paragraph and you more or less say: be as you are. Which somethind rather differnt from obsessively trying to define what the ideal relationship is and has value in and of itself. What I really like about this thread is, that we can come in contact with various ways of approaching a relationship, of what people expect from a parner and so forth. We have polyamorism, monogamy, religious marriage is sacred people and the occasional incel/misogynist. This leads to a clash of opinions at times but I feel mostly it's about exchange and trying to help peole who ask for advice to either get to the main question or simply give personal advice. Now and then there'll be a scientificy question in the mix as well. Well, definitely casting any judgment aside of what kind of relationships people "should" go after, if someone is a polyamorist at heart, by nature, and they go into a relationship incorrectly thinking they want monogamy, they're going to end up resentful. The sad part is that they probably won't know why they're resentful. Seems to me that to the extent you find someone who fits the needs you really have (regardless of your thoughts about it), you'll be satisfied. So knowing your own nature is paramount. On November 24 2019 23:10 Dark_Chill wrote: It's hard to know what you want without having encountered it first, or encountered something like it. While it makes sense to know what you want before you start looking, I feel this doesn't completely apply to dating. There are so many different kinds of people out there, all of which can offer you different experiences. Let's say you're a big football fan, and you decide that you want a partner who is also a big football fan. You then meet someone who isn't a football fan, but they really like knitting, which you discover you actually like a lot and find that there's sufficient grounds to build a relationship off of this (OBVIOUSLY SIMPLIFIED, I KNOW). I should also clarify, you can't know a priori what you want before you've tried different things, and gotten "reference experiences". Of course, it's also possible to luck into something good enough, and then decide artfully to remain committed to it. Like if you've been raised with certain values, it's possible to just follow those values. It could be the right choice! I wasn't raised with any good relationship values, so I've had to learn a lot on my own.. and most guys I talked to didn't help me. PUA videos helped me fill in a lot of the blanks. I did have to sift through a whole lot of bs though. That's for sure. Today, I've been enjoying C.W. Lewis and his essays on christian sexual morality and marriage. Quite good. Quite good. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On November 25 2019 13:46 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: Hopefully your religious, political, ethical, and financial values are compatible with each other! All of those are proxies for values, even politics. But yeah they all match very closely to the point of absurdity. Luckily we look very different, if not it would be like that Seinfeld episode where he dates himself lol. | ||
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Skew
United States1019 Posts
User was warned for this post | ||
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JoeCool
Germany2517 Posts
Anyhow I kinda used this confidence to get a little flirty with two of ladies working at my frequented (?) gyms reception. And so far I believe they like it. However, my problem is that when there are extremely good looking guys around (you know Henry Cavill kind of guys, we have one or two of those) my confidence drops to 0 immidiately and I ask myself why anyone would want to be with me. Not that I'm ugly or so, not at all. It's just that, well these guys are like me but ... better. Taller, buffer probably with an enormous social circle, you know the usual stuff. What is your opinion on this? Or rather, how do you "deal" with this? My gameplan for now is to just be myself, which means I'm using my strenghts like eloquence and humour. | ||
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Emnjay808
United States10655 Posts
Uh anyways, lol... Yea dude, next close encounter I have with her Im gonna break the ice. Been focused heavily on fantasy football and work lately, so Im excited to dive back into the dating pool. | ||
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Harris1st
Germany6860 Posts
On December 20 2019 16:20 JoeCool wrote: After years of ~50 % confidence, in the recent weeks my confidence has been boosted back to a 100 thanks to some clients who told me that I have a very "pleasant" voice and I'm a great and competent person to work with. I've never been praised in the past 8 years or so... Anyhow I kinda used this confidence to get a little flirty with two of ladies working at my frequented (?) gyms reception. And so far I believe they like it. However, my problem is that when there are extremely good looking guys around (you know Henry Cavill kind of guys, we have one or two of those) my confidence drops to 0 immidiately and I ask myself why anyone would want to be with me. Not that I'm ugly or so, not at all. It's just that, well these guys are like me but ... better. Taller, buffer probably with an enormous social circle, you know the usual stuff. What is your opinion on this? Or rather, how do you "deal" with this? My gameplan for now is to just be myself, which means I'm using my strenghts like eloquence and humour. Alcohol More serious: Are they smiling at you? I mean obvisouly they see something in you if this goes beyond the normal chitchat at gyms. Use that. I like your gameplan, beeing yourself is a good idea. Specially if you are looking for more long term I can tell you from experience that girls have different taste and not all drop their panties if Henry Cavill enters the room. Me and my best mate have both been single last year and we met a lot of girls in that time. He is quite a bit better looking than me but still a lot of girls were flirting with me instead. | ||
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Ryzel
United States527 Posts
On December 20 2019 16:20 JoeCool wrote: After years of ~50 % confidence, in the recent weeks my confidence has been boosted back to a 100 thanks to some clients who told me that I have a very "pleasant" voice and I'm a great and competent person to work with. I've never been praised in the past 8 years or so... Anyhow I kinda used this confidence to get a little flirty with two of ladies working at my frequented (?) gyms reception. And so far I believe they like it. However, my problem is that when there are extremely good looking guys around (you know Henry Cavill kind of guys, we have one or two of those) my confidence drops to 0 immidiately and I ask myself why anyone would want to be with me. Not that I'm ugly or so, not at all. It's just that, well these guys are like me but ... better. Taller, buffer probably with an enormous social circle, you know the usual stuff. What is your opinion on this? Or rather, how do you "deal" with this? My gameplan for now is to just be myself, which means I'm using my strenghts like eloquence and humour. The only relevance guys like that have with your interactions is the relevance you give it. It's completely in your head, and you have control over your head, so you can do this. | ||
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_fool
Netherlands676 Posts
On December 20 2019 16:20 JoeCool wrote: After years of ~50 % confidence, in the recent weeks my confidence has been boosted back to a 100 thanks to some clients who told me that I have a very "pleasant" voice and I'm a great and competent person to work with. I've never been praised in the past 8 years or so... Anyhow I kinda used this confidence to get a little flirty with two of ladies working at my frequented (?) gyms reception. And so far I believe they like it. However, my problem is that when there are extremely good looking guys around (you know Henry Cavill kind of guys, we have one or two of those) my confidence drops to 0 immidiately and I ask myself why anyone would want to be with me. Not that I'm ugly or so, not at all. It's just that, well these guys are like me but ... better. Taller, buffer probably with an enormous social circle, you know the usual stuff. What is your opinion on this? Or rather, how do you "deal" with this? My gameplan for now is to just be myself, which means I'm using my strenghts like eloquence and humour. Eloquence and humour is the better skill set toi have  And it will add a lot of longevity to any relation you commit to. So let the buffed guys be buffed. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On December 22 2019 06:36 _fool wrote: Eloquence and humour is the better skill set toi have And it will add a lot of longevity to any relation you commit to. So let the buffed guys be buffed.I think in general the best way to handle this is to acknowledge that hey, in general, you're not as attractive as they guys. Key being "in general". Attractiveness is fairly objective, but there is a decent amount of variation in preference of bodies and faces. There is a reasonable chance that any individual girl finds you more attractive than the Henry Cavill looking dude. Moreover, remember that attraction and interest are based off more than looks. Heck, they are based off more than looks and "a big social circle", the latter being something that isn't even that relevant to most. Who cares if you have a big social circle? Making that even worse, is that you're just assuming this guy has some massive social circle and attributing a bunch of things to him that don't hold true, just because he is handsome. A bit silly. So, combine realizing that she could find you more attractive than "gym caville", combined with the fact that you have your own unique characteristics and personality traits that make you attractive and you should be good to go. If, for some reason, you don't think you have any characteristics that makes you an interesting or good person that someone would want to be in a relationship...well you have an answer of what you ought to work on. | ||
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JoeCool
Germany2517 Posts
Three weeks ago I received an email from an old "friend" of mine, we met each other for the first time ~15-16 years ago while skiing in switzerland. And it became kind of a tradition so that we met the following four or five years in the same hotel at every year around new years eve. Until 2008 or so. So January this year, ~12 years after our last conversation, she googled me and sent me an email how I was doing etc. but instead of writing an overly email, I asked her for her number so I could call her. She agreed, sent me her number right away and we had a long talk at the 19. of January. Right now she lives around 500Km away from my place but coincidentally I have a business meeting right where she lives, so I told her that we should take the opportunity to meet somwhere to which she happily agreed. Around five days later (24th of January) I sent her a confirmation, stating that Ill be at her town from 29. to 30. (today and tomorrow) . She assured me that she definitely has time and is looking forward to our date. Yesterday I gave her a call informing her about the time I'd like to meet her. She didn't pick up (which is fine) and responded two hours after my call via WhattsApp that she has had an unforseeable surgery, slept through the whole day and is not sure if she'll be able to meet me since she's not feeling well. She wanted to discuss this matter today. I'm about 85% sure that this is/was some sort of lame excuse. I have to say that I'm kinda surprised, I wasn't overly attached/needy, we had a good talk and she was pretty hyped until four days ago. Plus I thought it'd be nice to meet someone again after 12 years. We'll see how this turns out. In my opinion are two options right now: 1.) Either I suggest we meet at her place. That means she has no trouble getting somwhere plus I can be a little...consistent(?). I got this idea from a date I had a couple of years ago with another girl where she (tried to) cancel the date around an hour before we were supposed to meet due to her roommate beeing lost or sth. like that. I just told her to come to my place and we had a great evening with heavy makeout. 2.) Leave her be. A decision will be made in the next four hours. | ||
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LegalLord
United Kingdom13775 Posts
I don't really know for sure what's going on from the other end, but my guess is it has something to do with wanting to draw the line and move on with life in one way or other. Some people are particularly bad about handling nostalgia in a graceful way, and I think that probably just plays out in a way that's very tough to handle. Not that they don't want to talk to you or meet with you, just they don't really have a good sense for how to do so when they don't have the ability to keep their distance. I wouldn't push it if she seems like she's giving indications she might not actually want to meet. Do it if she wants to, but leave her be if not. That said, it might be exactly what she says is the case, which is more of a "shit happens" situation. | ||
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