|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On May 30 2019 08:56 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On May 27 2019 23:04 LegalLord wrote:
Ideally two people in the workplace can be mature adults about it all, in which case it generally isn’t a problem. I’ve certainly seen it go badly plenty of times. To be honest, though, I would have to say I’ve seen it not go badly significantly more often, and I know a fair few couples at work who got married throughout the time that they were both my coworkers.
Failing “being able to be an adult about it,” the “no dating coworkers” rule is probably worth it. Can’t say I haven’t bungled it before, though I must admit it involved holding grudges for longer than I should have. But honestly, after some point you don’t exactly have the luxury of picking where you get to meet people you like enough to date, because there’s already so few people you actually like enough for that. Take what you can get. You absolutely do now in the modern era with dating apps. I would argue you still do even without it, because you can still meet people at almost all of the usual places, but with dating apps that's just blown out of the water.
I feel like the issue is more that the older you get the more of the widely compatible people (people that are desirable for a large population) are taken or impacted from previous relationships in ways that make typical approaches like online or happenstance less likely to result in success.
That's to say if your 16-30 or whatever a huge portion of your dating pool is either available or not completely monogamous (married with kids and financial intertwining that makes separation about more than how you feel about each other romantically for example)
Finding a single person that wants to pair-bond for a long term relationship after (I don't know personally ~40 maybe?) is VERY hit and miss. I don't mean like finding one you like, but like actually finding them. Outside wedding rings (which aren't all that reliable) there's not like a sign women wear that says "I'm a stable decent woman who, like you, chose to get my own shit together before finally deciding on a partner to share the rest of my life with"
That said, a lot more good women out there leaving their Bad husbands they met in high school or whatever though so If your okay with a little ex-drama and/or kids (of various ages) the pool opens up a good amount again. Or your willing to wait until about 45-50 when most people's kids are grown and they are ready to find a new partner they actually like
disclaimer:
+ Show Spoiler +This is a third hand report from a friend of who went through a tough divorce with a woman that was basically robbing him he figured out when he finally got sick of her lying and he had a lawyer put together the financial info for separation.
That's to say the work thing is more viable for people with careers and demonstrated maturity. Problem is you can be 100% cool and it still be a problem because you weren't just wrong about your compatibility but their ability to remain professional afterwords (or your own in the long run).
|
On May 31 2019 10:57 GreenHorizons wrote:Show nested quote +On May 30 2019 08:56 L_Master wrote:On May 27 2019 23:04 LegalLord wrote:
Ideally two people in the workplace can be mature adults about it all, in which case it generally isn’t a problem. I’ve certainly seen it go badly plenty of times. To be honest, though, I would have to say I’ve seen it not go badly significantly more often, and I know a fair few couples at work who got married throughout the time that they were both my coworkers.
Failing “being able to be an adult about it,” the “no dating coworkers” rule is probably worth it. Can’t say I haven’t bungled it before, though I must admit it involved holding grudges for longer than I should have. But honestly, after some point you don’t exactly have the luxury of picking where you get to meet people you like enough to date, because there’s already so few people you actually like enough for that. Take what you can get. You absolutely do now in the modern era with dating apps. I would argue you still do even without it, because you can still meet people at almost all of the usual places, but with dating apps that's just blown out of the water. I feel like the issue is more that the older you get the more of the widely compatible people (people that are desirable for a large population) are taken or impacted from previous relationships in ways that make typical approaches like online or happenstance less likely to result in success. That's to say if your 16-30 or whatever a huge portion of your dating pool is either available or not completely monogamous (married with kids and financial intertwining that makes separation about more than how you feel about each other romantically for example) Finding a single person that wants to pair-bond for a long term relationship after (I don't know personally ~40 maybe?) is VERY hit and miss. I don't mean like finding one you like, but like actually finding them. Outside wedding rings (which aren't all that reliable) there's not like a sign women wear that says "I'm a stable decent woman who, like you, chose to get my own shit together before finally deciding on a partner to share the rest of my life with" That said, a lot more good women out there leaving their Bad husbands they met in high school or whatever though so If your okay with a little ex-drama and/or kids (of various ages) the pool opens up a good amount again. Or your willing to wait until about 45-50 when most people's kids are grown and they are ready to find a new partner they actually like disclaimer: + Show Spoiler +This is a third hand report from a friend of who went through a tough divorce with a woman that was basically robbing him he figured out when he finally got sick of her lying and he had a lawyer put together the financial info for separation. That's to say the work thing is more viable for people with careers and demonstrated maturity. Problem is you can be 100% cool and it still be a problem because you weren't just wrong about your compatibility but their ability to remain professional afterwords (or your own in the long run).
Hmm. Well in my mind if you're looking for a stable LTR you definitely are looking at someone who is at least 25. But probably close to 30. The stats and experience really bear out the increased stability and chance of success by marriages of people of that age. Girls under 30, and extremely so for girls under 25, just don't know what they want yet, still have things they want to try, don't necessary feel like they have seen all the "options" etc.
I think what you're saying is correct, but the part of it I'm disagreeing with is to me it sounds like you're suggesting a shrinking dating pool as you get older. I don't think that's true. For women, it might be. Not for guys. If you keep in shape, you lose some raw physical attractiveness, but not tons...but at the same time you build up wealth, status, experience, etc. which all make you a desirable partner. There is absolutely no reason a 40 or 45 year old man can't easily be dating and looking for women +/- 5 yrs of 30. Then he also has the dating pool of women 35+ available too if he meets a keeper.
I guess I haven't tried, but with online apps the pool is so damn big. Sure, with 40+ women you might have lots that have kids or other things going on that make them less of a LTR option...but it's such a vast pool that it's not hard to find options, unless your opinion is that these options are true 1 or 2 in 100 or less diamonds in the rough.
|
On May 31 2019 12:15 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2019 10:57 GreenHorizons wrote:On May 30 2019 08:56 L_Master wrote:On May 27 2019 23:04 LegalLord wrote:
Ideally two people in the workplace can be mature adults about it all, in which case it generally isn’t a problem. I’ve certainly seen it go badly plenty of times. To be honest, though, I would have to say I’ve seen it not go badly significantly more often, and I know a fair few couples at work who got married throughout the time that they were both my coworkers.
Failing “being able to be an adult about it,” the “no dating coworkers” rule is probably worth it. Can’t say I haven’t bungled it before, though I must admit it involved holding grudges for longer than I should have. But honestly, after some point you don’t exactly have the luxury of picking where you get to meet people you like enough to date, because there’s already so few people you actually like enough for that. Take what you can get. You absolutely do now in the modern era with dating apps. I would argue you still do even without it, because you can still meet people at almost all of the usual places, but with dating apps that's just blown out of the water. I feel like the issue is more that the older you get the more of the widely compatible people (people that are desirable for a large population) are taken or impacted from previous relationships in ways that make typical approaches like online or happenstance less likely to result in success. That's to say if your 16-30 or whatever a huge portion of your dating pool is either available or not completely monogamous (married with kids and financial intertwining that makes separation about more than how you feel about each other romantically for example) Finding a single person that wants to pair-bond for a long term relationship after (I don't know personally ~40 maybe?) is VERY hit and miss. I don't mean like finding one you like, but like actually finding them. Outside wedding rings (which aren't all that reliable) there's not like a sign women wear that says "I'm a stable decent woman who, like you, chose to get my own shit together before finally deciding on a partner to share the rest of my life with" That said, a lot more good women out there leaving their Bad husbands they met in high school or whatever though so If your okay with a little ex-drama and/or kids (of various ages) the pool opens up a good amount again. Or your willing to wait until about 45-50 when most people's kids are grown and they are ready to find a new partner they actually like disclaimer: + Show Spoiler +This is a third hand report from a friend of who went through a tough divorce with a woman that was basically robbing him he figured out when he finally got sick of her lying and he had a lawyer put together the financial info for separation. That's to say the work thing is more viable for people with careers and demonstrated maturity. Problem is you can be 100% cool and it still be a problem because you weren't just wrong about your compatibility but their ability to remain professional afterwords (or your own in the long run). Hmm. Well in my mind if you're looking for a stable LTR you definitely are looking at someone who is at least 25. But probably close to 30. The stats and experience really bear out the increased stability and chance of success by marriages of people of that age. Girls under 30, and extremely so for girls under 25, just don't know what they want yet, still have things they want to try, don't necessary feel like they have seen all the "options" etc. I think what you're saying is correct, but the part of it I'm disagreeing with is to me it sounds like you're suggesting a shrinking dating pool as you get older. I don't think that's true. For women, it might be. Not for guys. If you keep in shape, you lose some raw physical attractiveness, but not tons...but at the same time you build up wealth, status, experience, etc. which all make you a desirable partner. There is absolutely no reason a 40 or 45 year old man can't easily be dating and looking for women +/- 5 yrs of 30. Then he also has the dating pool of women 35+ available too if he meets a keeper. I guess I haven't tried, but with online apps the pool is so damn big. Sure, with 40+ women you might have lots that have kids or other things going on that make them less of a LTR option...but it's such a vast pool that it's not hard to find options, unless your opinion is that these options are true 1 or 2 in 100 or less diamonds in the rough.
Hadn't thought about the "breadwinner" dynamic but that makes sense as well as the physical attractiveness aspect (along with popular beauty standards) and such. Maybe the guy is just a grumpy asshole, I don't know him that well (the origin of this theory more or less).
All in all seems reasonable to me.
|
Boys, wish me luck this week
|
Why you need luck? But good luck 
|
On July 20 2019 04:41 farvacola wrote:Why you need luck? But good luck
I'm sensing one of those talks that need to happen... Long story short the relationship doesn't necessarily make me happy. This dog has been great and I'd want to keep it, but it makes me realize kids are probably not on the table for me.
For the unhappiness part, I don't know if that's just a three year relationship thing but pretty much everything I do that makes me happy i'm not really doing with her
|
Yeah sounds like it’s time then, though I’d insist that you might feel differently about children once a different partner comes into the picture. I’m a few months away from 31 and I definitely have a different take than I did at 20, 24, and even 28. But you gotta do you no matter what.
|
On July 20 2019 06:13 farvacola wrote:
Yeah sounds like it’s time then, though I’d insist that you might feel differently about children once a different partner comes into the picture. I’m a few months away from 31 and I definitely have a different take than I did at 20, 24, and even 28. But you gotta do you no matter what.
Yeah, I did date a girl at one time who didn't want kids, at the time I was fine with it and we split up for other reasons. That was probably when I realized I had a choice on the matter
And agreed, it could be the reason I'm not excited to get married or have kids at this time
|
For my fiancé and I, it isn’t that we’re excited to do things with each other, rather that we can be absolutely ourselves while spending all of our home time in close proximity without alteration. It sounds strange to some people, but I know I’m with a keeper because I’m a pretty solitary person and when we’re sitting around at home or out and about, I basically feel like I’m alone and totally not put upon by any kind of sociality, even though we’re constantly talking, doing chores and errands etc. That wouldn’t work for extroverted folk, but for us it works well.
|
On July 20 2019 06:31 farvacola wrote:
For my fiancé and I, it isn’t that we’re excited to do things with each other, rather that we can be absolutely ourselves while spending all of our home time in close proximity without alteration. It sounds strange to some people, but I know I’m with a keeper because I’m a pretty solitary person and when we’re sitting around at home or out and about, I basically feel like I’m alone and totally not put upon by any kind of sociality, even though we’re constantly talking, doing chores and errands etc. That wouldn’t work for extroverted folk, but for us it works well.
That's what she says, she's knows I'm a keeper cause she doesn't get annoyed with spending time with me. It's just that spending time with me involves watching Netflix
|
Yeah well that’s the thing, it only works because we’re both on the exact same page and it seems clear that you two are not. That likely weighs even more heavily in favor of parting ways.
|
Should probably provide an update here
After talking for like 6 hours I think we both realized we were getting complacent in our relationship. We both had things that we were unhappy with and we are making targeted efforts. Her with doing more active things, and me setting aside time for quality time.
We also did adopt the dog, and while she can be a real bitch sometime has given me a dedicated walking buddy
|
On July 30 2019 03:43 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Should probably provide an update here
After talking for like 6 hours I think we both realized we were getting complacent in our relationship. We both had things that we were unhappy with and we are making targeted efforts. Her with doing more active things, and me setting aside time for quality time.
We also did adopt the dog, and while she can be a real bitch sometime has given me a dedicated walking buddy
Good stuff mate.
I'm all for at least trying. I wish I'd tried a little harder - just out of an 8 year relationship, which I thought was going somewhere.
I was super buy at work for a while and didn't join her for drinks or going out for friends for months probably.
We still got along great - and I was happy just spending time together in the evening etc.
I guess kind of reversed roles compared to you.
We never talked and I never got the super obvious hint (yep... I'm a moron) that I needed to do something and try a bit harder at least.
Now I've downloaded Tinder for the very first time (I'm 34) and am not liking it one bit
|
If you just got out of an 8 year relationship, and it didn't end that well, take some time for yourself rather than trying to get a new partner immediately.
I think the usual rule of thumb is that you are not ready for a new relationship for at least 10% the amount of time that your relationship lasted. So in your case, about 10 month. And honestly, it is a good idea to figure out who you are on your own first, rather than trying to find someone that is basically the same as your last partner to replace them.
|
hes 34. assuming he wants to get married and have kids with a woman of his age group, cant blame him for not wasting time
|
On July 30 2019 09:26 evilfatsh1t wrote:
hes 34. assuming he wants to get married and have kids with a woman of his age group, cant blame him for not wasting time
I'm sorry, but I think that's a recipe for disaster. That leads to rushing into a relationship, likely the first decent prospect that comes around. Great for a year or three and then trouble starts and only gets worse.
No reason he cant be 35, 37, or even 40 and dating a woman I'm her younger 30s and have all the time in the world.
|
Finally my favorite thread on TL is alive again :D
I've seen the "rushing in a relationship" work out (so far) quite often. Some were getting married after 1,5 years of dating and still are. Some have kids on the way now. Surprisingly none I know of, was a disaster. Guess that has a lot to do with experience and expectancy on both sides. My mentioned friends all range betweed 30-35
For myself, I'm actually dating a girl I know from Tinder. Never expected that to work O.o
She is awesome. We're exclusive for half a year and now the real test starts: She has got a new job and has to relocate. What was a 30min drive is now a 3 hour drive to see her
|
Just went through a break up. Only just over a year and a half but it was my longest and most stable relationship. It mostly collapsed due to lack of communication on both of our parts. She ended up giving up on it emotionally before I knew it and I never had a chance to salvage things. Feels pretty shitty and I'll probably be out of the dating pool for a while.
My advice to daters out there from my own experience:
Communicate. Don't assume your SO knows what you're thinking and vice-verca. If something is bothering you and you're debating whether or not to bring it up, do it. Not only does it help avoid festering issues, it will create an atmosphere of openness between both of you where the default is to bring up problems rather than bury them.
|
On July 30 2019 17:28 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On July 30 2019 09:26 evilfatsh1t wrote:
hes 34. assuming he wants to get married and have kids with a woman of his age group, cant blame him for not wasting time I'm sorry, but I think that's a recipe for disaster. That leads to rushing into a relationship, likely the first decent prospect that comes around. Great for a year or three and then trouble starts and only gets worse. No reason he cant be 35, 37, or even 40 and dating a woman I'm her younger 30s and have all the time in the world.
I will second dating a younger woman for long term. Most guys at 30 don't have their shit together now, financially speaking, while girls are starting to push late for kids if they want to have 2-3.
I want to have kids in 4-6 years, if my gf was my age that would be a problem.
|
I don't agree with the implication in the title of this thead. I do not think luck is a substantial factor in building a successful relationship.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
