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On August 01 2019 23:24 L_Master wrote: Right now for instance the woman I'm in a relationship with checks most of mine:
- Low drama: we've been dating about a year and a half and haven't had a fight, raised our voices, yelled, or anything like that.
- Warm/Kind Personality: so far, couldn't ask for more.
- attractive: Probably the closest I've come to compromise. She is cute, but not like crazy hot
- Rational/Logical: I relate best with people that can think in that manner. She easily does better than 90% or more of women in that department.
- Not religious.
- Similar views on parenting and where we want our lives to end up in 10 or 20 years. Obviously, some differences, but most of the key things line up.
- Health Mindset: This is the one questionable box. She doesnt eat great (lean, but does so by eating very little food) and isn't big on exercise...although she shows signs of being genuinely interested in both. Where this stands in 2 or 3 years could have a big impact on the extent to which I see a future with her.
So...overall, that's pretty good in my book. Obviously there are more minor personality or interest differences, but in terms of important, key things it's pretty damn good.
Well, you really don't want to date a female clone of yourself, believe me. It's easy, specially at the beginning, but it gets stale fast. There needs to be some little points of conflict. It's good for both and let's you grow
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On August 02 2019 17:19 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On August 01 2019 23:24 L_Master wrote: Right now for instance the woman I'm in a relationship with checks most of mine:
- Low drama: we've been dating about a year and a half and haven't had a fight, raised our voices, yelled, or anything like that.
- Warm/Kind Personality: so far, couldn't ask for more.
- attractive: Probably the closest I've come to compromise. She is cute, but not like crazy hot
- Rational/Logical: I relate best with people that can think in that manner. She easily does better than 90% or more of women in that department.
- Not religious.
- Similar views on parenting and where we want our lives to end up in 10 or 20 years. Obviously, some differences, but most of the key things line up.
- Health Mindset: This is the one questionable box. She doesnt eat great (lean, but does so by eating very little food) and isn't big on exercise...although she shows signs of being genuinely interested in both. Where this stands in 2 or 3 years could have a big impact on the extent to which I see a future with her.
So...overall, that's pretty good in my book. Obviously there are more minor personality or interest differences, but in terms of important, key things it's pretty damn good. Well, you really don't want to date a female clone of yourself, believe me. It's easy, specially at the beginning, but it gets stale fast. There needs to be some little points of conflict. It's good for both and let's you grow
I disagree. Not about the "clone part", but for long term you really want someone with common values.
I always hear that relationships are "hard" and "require work". I think that's wrong, if your relationship is like that your relationship is shit. An overwhelming amount of the time the relationship should be super easy and pleasent.
When I "fight" with my gf it's a little discussion, after which we share are opinions calmly and "settle it" without any extra bickering, or we give a few minutes to cool off and one of us says something like "sorry XYZ got me pissed, my bad". All of this happens very ocasionally and solves easily, because we agree on the fundamentals of what is acceptable and what is not.
Aside on "drama"; not only on romantic relationships, I avoid high drama people in general like the plague.
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On August 01 2019 15:40 L_Master wrote:Show nested quote +On August 01 2019 12:55 TheFish7 wrote: OK so here's my current situation. She's a genuinely excellent person, she's intelligent, kind, funny, has a great personality. We get along really well and have a lot of common interests like reading and golf. She's also doing great work - she's a govt prosecutor who goes after elder and child abusers.
Now here's the downside, I find her to be only moderately physically attractive, and the sex is like mediocre, at least for me. I'm grappling with whether or not to continue it. Usually I have the opposite problem, I'll be with someone who is great in bed or hot but our personalities just don't mesh. This is a new thing for me. Am I becoming older and more mature that I want to continue with her? Or am I just lying to myself about the nature of our relationship because we get along so well. Honestly...most relationships will eventually move to the point where the sex is fairly low frequency and somewhat mediocre. It's the sacrifice you make in most (always exceptions to the rule always exist) relationships of 3-5+ years. Unless, of course, you go the open route. Then you dont have that issue. Is the sex bad because you like it different ways? If not, then communication can go a long way. Talk to her about why the sex isn't great for you. Good chance are feels the same vibe. Given that looks and sex decline over time, if you aren't going to date open, I think that's the tradeoff you make for the benefits of a great long term partner. Is it worth it? Depends on you personally. You could also search for someone who checks ALL the boxes strongly...but that can be very, very hard to find.
Update - I've tried communicating a bit better and it's working. Really I just tell her what I'd like or just physically put her in the appropriate position. She seems to like my assertiveness and responds by being more "aggressive" herself - based on her reaction I think it's been better for her too. I also think I tend to be a little timid when it comes to initiating things so it's nice to get over that a bit.
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2018 in a nutshell: I had a very high paying job but was working 80+ hours every week even on christmas/new years, gained about 25 pounds during that time and lost my (then) girlfriend because of the job. 2019 on the other hand has brought a lot of changes and most of them are for the better, or at least I hope so.
So what has changed?
- Got a new job offer in February, where I get payed less but have a lot more freetime, and moved around 250 kilometres from home. - Since March I'm constantly hitting the gym, lost ~ 20 pounds and I'm feeling like I'm in the best shape of my life. - Got myself a motorcycle. At first it was just an idea but somehow it stuck with me so I thought why not and bought one. - Got myself a book on smalltak/self-confidence/rhetoric (pretty crappy tho) - Completely quit porn. - Started eating healthy, lots of salad, vegetables and fish. - Got myself a parachute jump and will go hang gliding in three weeks. - Got appointed as (one of) my best friends best man at his wedding in september in Mexico. - Went to a festival with friends I haven't met in years and met amazing new people. - Starting to take norwegian courses next month. - Got into 40k and painted some pretty nice miniatures which Im proud of - Got fancy new clothes and a new haircut. - Learned to appreciate my hobbies no matter how nerdy they seem (40k) - ...
However, while I feel like I really managed to change a lot within the past ~6 months my life is nowhere near where I want it to be. If someone would ask me whether I'm happy I'd probably say no. And right now this basically comes down to three reasons.
1. While the new job is less stressfull and pays way more on average per hour. It's just not my type of job. It's mostly a deskjob and that's something that has never been a thing for me. Unfortunately - as experienced by myself - theres little I can do since close to nobody wants (or wanted) to hire me. Although my grades were good and I got a lot of practical experience from working as an assistant-store-manager during my bachelor/master courses.
However, theres still this dream of mine to move to finnland or norway (hence the courses) within the next ~24 months. So while that's not "my" job right now I take it as a steppingstone for the future.
2. Ever since I moved back in february, my social circle became pretty much non-existant. While there are a few people scattered all over southern germany theres no-one near my new place with whom I could hang out on a regular basis. My coworkers can't or won't help me out in that matter. Not because they do not care or have sth against me but because they're either 50+ years old or, in case of the only one around my age, extremely unreliable. I mean this guy canceled our BBQ that has been planned for weeks because he forgot to get meat. Like... seriously.
This is a rather difficult situation for me since I'm not really used to "make friends" other than at work/school/university. And as already discussed on this board, making friends becomes increasingly difficult with age (29 right now, which is okay I guess). Plus the new town I'm living in isn't exactly what you'd call diverse when it comes to leisure activities. And unless you're interested in Techno there isn't even a single club to go to. We have a couple of bars but they are pretty crappy. At least compared to what I'm used to...
3. Something that's probably a result of #2, my love-life/the girls. Oh boy... ever since my gf left me around ~ 10 months ago there hasn't been much going on and judging from my current situation theres no change in sight.
As mentioned above I got myself tickets for a festival here in germany where I went with a couple of friends I still know from my teens, they also brought some other guys/girls along so that we were like ~16 people at said festival including a girl I got along with reeeeeally well, almost "too well". In my opinion she'd be a 100% match for me. Unfortunately she is already taken so while the two of us had a great time, theres no chance that this is going anywhere.
Anyhow, this "incident" made me realize two things. 1.) There are girls out there who are a real fit. This might sound stupid but I had a lot of self-doubt because I always thought that I'd probably never a woman to be with, who enjoyed doing the same things, having the same political views (not that this is necessary but it's cool), same taste in food/music, interested in visiting the same places etc.
2.) Girls that are taken seem to find me desirable (had a couple of flirts with those in the past weeks), although they could just be "checking their value". So to speak.
I'm sill (or again) kinda insecure when talking to girls. It's not that I'm too shy to talk to them it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that I'm an enjoyable person to talk to but not exactly what a girl would consider dating-material. Theres still this mantra in my head that I need to be the one getting her excited and stuff... Maybe I'm wrong though.
So what's up next? As of today I decided to give myself a little "challenge". Change a little bit about myself every day or week. Not sure yet. These are basic things like talking to random people on the street, even if it's just as basic as a "Have a nice day" or sth like that or sth more "complicated" like having a small conversation with random people.
Aaaand that's it... I'm not even sure what to expect from this WOT but it feels good to share my thoughts.
Theres just a lot going on in my head right now. A lot of doubt but also a lot of excitement.
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On August 19 2019 04:25 JoeCool wrote: 2018 in a nutshell:
that sounds great, don't know you but I'm really proud of all the work you did last year. Having a job you don't like have to suck, but having different plans for the future might be a good remedy. I don't think you should worry too much about the relationship rn. But maybe you should consider picking up a hobby where it's easier to meet girls? I think it's ideal, for people who don't naturally talk to girls they don't know, find a way to spend a lot of time with a group of people often, it makes easier to know each other and make the first move
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Agreed, it sounds as if you are a lot more happy with who you are right now.
With regards to acquiring friends, hobbies are the way to go, especially organized ones. You said you are working out, why not join a sports club for some sport you enjoy? The club structure here in Germany is really amazing in that regard. Or you are getting into 40k. Find out who the other tabletop people in your city are and where they meet to play (though this will usually mostly lead to male friends simply due to demographics. Tabletop RPG is getting a lot more diverse though, so maybe the same is happening to tabletop wargames?).
Whatever you do, try to do it in a way that involves other people, possibly in some organized fashion. And if there is a possibility to join some of those people for food and drink afterwards, do that. That is basically how i got to know all of my current friends.
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On August 19 2019 04:25 JoeCool wrote: - Got into 40k and painted some pretty nice miniatures which Im proud of
Beware, 40k is a real money sinkhole. I have a few friends who really regret getting into it.
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On August 19 2019 05:30 StarcraftPeffo wrote: that sounds great, don't know you but I'm really proud of all the work you did last year. Having a job you don't like have to suck, but having different plans for the future might be a good remedy.
Yeah it helps, keeps me going every day. I mean it's not like the job is trash or that I hate it, in fact it's a job most people would probably die/kill for since you can earn a lot of money while having an enormous amount of freedom within the company. So I'd say it's a good job but not my type of job.
On August 19 2019 05:30 StarcraftPeffo wrote: I don't think you should worry too much about the relationship rn. But maybe you should consider picking up a hobby where it's easier to meet girls? I think it's ideal, for people who don't naturally talk to girls they don't know, find a way to spend a lot of time with a group of people often, it makes easier to know each other and make the first move
I had the same idea. However my problem is/was that aren't many things I'm interested in where you can typically meet girls. A couple of weeks ago I went to cooking class (sucked ass) and I met a cute woman there, got along with her really well but unfortunately she was already taken as well.
On August 19 2019 05:47 Simberto wrote: Agreed, it sounds as if you are a lot more happy with who you are right now.
Definitely true, it feels like I'm finally living my own life. Although I'm not where I want to be (yet).
On August 19 2019 05:47 Simberto wrote: With regards to acquiring friends, hobbies are the way to go, especially organized ones. You said you are working out, why not join a sports club for some sport you enjoy? The club structure here in Germany is really amazing in that regard.
About 12 years ago I was doing boxing and kickboxing in a club and that's what I'd like to try again. As it turns out theres a club for that's near my workplace and they're offering trial sessions two times a week, that's probably what I am going to do tomorrow after work.
On August 19 2019 05:47 Simberto wrote: Or you are getting into 40k. Find out who the other tabletop people in your city are and where they meet to play (though this will usually mostly lead to male friends simply due to demographics. Tabletop RPG is getting a lot more diverse though, so maybe the same is happening to tabletop wargames?).
Yeah, theres no chance to meet girls via 40k. I've been involved in the scene for around ~4 years, mainly because of the lore and the stories not for the actual game, and I've never ever met a single woman in one of the stores. Not saying there aren't any but you don't play 40k to get women. ;-) It's true though that you can meet some cool guys to hang out/play with from time to time. And that's exactly what I want right now. Only downside, theres basically no community where I live and the next store which sells and lets you play warhammer is like a one hour drive away. Not ideal but definitely a great option for weekends.
On August 19 2019 05:47 Simberto wrote: Whatever you do, try to do it in a way that involves other people, possibly in some organized fashion. And if there is a possibility to join some of those people for food and drink afterwards, do that. That is basically how i got to know all of my current friends.
Definitely some good advice. Still need to find sth I'm interested in where you're typically in a group.
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L_master would be proud. Focusing on oneself, especially ones health (mental as well as corporal) is super important, especially when looking for a partner, imo.
I'm also of the opinion, that you should be proud of your achievements. One thing to keep in mind is, to not automatically approach every woman you meet with the mindset of acquiring a partner. This unnecessarily stresses you out and might stop you from getting female friends.
Regarding moving to a different city and trying to get to know people while working full time... My own experience says that's gonna take about a year at least. In a city like Leipzig, Frankfurt, Hannover or berlin. This is supported by different accounts of friends facing the same predicament / opportunity. So don't be harsh on yourself if you're struggling to find close friends. This takes time in Germany. Most of times at leadt., In my experience.j
E: what I always suppose to do sports wise is to go rock climbing / bouldering. It's a sport that can be done solo but is very communicative also. I've met quite some people doing it in different cities and it's Hella fun and engages creativity, strength, flexibility and mental fortitude, if you're into such things.
Though I'd be careful not to directly hit on women in the gym... Because they get that a lot. Spoiling beta is also not the right thing to do :D
The community is generally nice, open and helpful.
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On August 19 2019 20:46 JoeCool wrote: Definitely some good advice. Still need to find sth I'm interested in where you're typically in a group.
Time to shill for my hobby: You are already into 40k, have you taken a look at Pen and Paper roleplaying games? There is usually a pretty large overlap between people who like the one and the other. Also, there are a bunch of 40k RPGs. RPGs in general are very communicative, always done in a group, and tend to lead to friendships very easily in my experience. And the further you get away from the miniature wargame style of playing and towards the storygame style of playing, the more women there are (Still a minority, but only slightly so and please, please do not get into RPGs to pick up women. We already have that stigma of nerds where every woman in a group gets hit on by all of the male players, but that impression is slowly fading and RPGs are becoming a much more inclusive hobby. We don't need more of that sexist shit.)
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Pen and Paper RPGs are crazy fun when you finally learn how to get into your character. DnD is the king of the space, and I would recommend trying out Fifth Edition. It's much easier to get into.
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The RPG-space in Germany is slightly different.
Here, the biggest game is The Dark Eye, a game that is pretty much exactly what you would expect when you say "Germans made an RPG". It is a huge, bureaucratic simulationist nightmare where character creation can take from 2 to 8 hours, depending on how experienced you are with the system and how willing you are to use computer tools to assist you, and every single attack takes three rolls to resolve. (as you might have guessed, i am not a fan). This is the game that most people start with when playing, and a lot of them simply get stuck with it, probably due to sunk cost fallacy and the expectation that every other game takes similar amounts of time and effort to learn, or a complete lack of the realization that other RPGs actually exist.
But there are also pretty large communities for playing indie/narrative games. Of course DnD, Shadowrun and Vampire/WoD also exist here.
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I'm at a turning point in my dating life. For a long time, I was really skeptical about long term monogamous relationships, and I've avoided them very sharply. Part of me is still resisting the cookie-cutter lifestyle. Thing about relationships... especially at my age (late 20's), expectations don't match reality for a lot of us. I'm going into flirting with an open mind, and not expecting the girl(s) to fit any particular mold - just taking them as they are, and assessing whether spending additional time/thought on them is something that will bring me more joy. It's a lot easier to do when I'm already entirely providing for myself: Then I can decide who I want to treat special. Also, NoFap is unbelievably effective at making my manner more enjoyable for everyone around me.
I just finished a coding bootcamp, and I'm set to become a tutor for it, which means I can work remote and afford to support myself in a cheaper place to live than California, like Oregon (I'm aiming at Portland). Here, nearish where I live, there's a beautiful single girl I like and respect. She likes me too. She's mentioned maybe moving to Portland. On Saturday, I'm gonna drop by with some gifts and let her know my plan. I've been spending many hours looking at van conversions, bus conversions, and all manner of tiny house. I could definitely see going tiny with her someday.
If nothing else, I'll get a fresh start somewhere new.
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@JoeCool
I always recomend crossfit as a way to stay fit AND meet new people and good looking girls
@ThunderJunk
Don't get ahead, but sometimes you just meet the right girl and everything clicks. I think common values is the most important for a long term relationship.
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what’s so appealing about tiny houses?
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On August 19 2019 21:24 Artisreal wrote: L_master would be proud. Focusing on oneself, especially ones health (mental as well as corporal) is super important, especially when looking for a partner, imo.
Makes it easier I guess. However, walking around town makes me wonder how some guys/girls get their boy-/girlfriend...
On August 19 2019 21:24 Artisreal wrote: I'm also of the opinion, that you should be proud of your achievements. One thing to keep in mind is, to not automatically approach every woman you meet with the mindset of acquiring a partner. This unnecessarily stresses you out and might stop you from getting female friends.
Agreed, that's usually my credo as well. It just gets kinda difficult for me whenever I feel like a girl is a good fit for me, for example after having chatted with her for a couple of hours. And as soon as I realize that we're on the same page I'm starting to think too far ahead. Usually I'm stopping myself as soon as that happens and try to get some (mental) distance. Really need to get rid of that.
On August 19 2019 21:24 Artisreal wrote: Regarding moving to a different city and trying to get to know people while working full time... My own experience says that's gonna take about a year at least. In a city like Leipzig, Frankfurt, Hannover or berlin. This is supported by different accounts of friends facing the same predicament / opportunity. So don't be harsh on yourself if you're struggling to find close friends. This takes time in Germany. Most of times at leadt., In my experience.j
This is good to hear. Since I feel like everyone I meet here and there seems to have an enormous scoial circle I was always wondering what I was doing wrong.
On August 19 2019 21:24 Artisreal wrote: E: what I always suppose to do sports wise is to go rock climbing / bouldering. It's a sport that can be done solo but is very communicative also. I've met quite some people doing it in different cities and it's Hella fun and engages creativity, strength, flexibility and mental fortitude, if you're into such things.
Not my cup of tea, mainly because I'm afraid of highs. At least when it comes to buildings. Thx for the suggestion though!
On August 19 2019 21:24 Artisreal wrote: Though I'd be careful not to directly hit on women in the gym...
Yeah already tried that. Didn't expect it to work and it didn't work out. :D
On August 19 2019 22:12 Simberto wrote: Time to shill for my hobby:[...])
On August 20 2019 01:01 WarSame wrote: Pen and Paper RPGs are crazy fun when you finally learn how to get into your character. DnD is the king of the space, and I would recommend trying out Fifth Edition. It's much easier to get into.
On August 20 2019 03:02 Simberto wrote: The RPG-space in Germany is slightly different. [...] But there are also pretty large communities for playing indie/narrative games. Of course DnD, Shadowrun and Vampire/WoD also exist here.
Actually I've always wanted to try PnP-RPGs unfortunately there isn't a single group within a 50km radius, at least theres none on the internet. Need to drive at least 90km for that. But I'll keep that in mind as soon as I get the chance .
On August 20 2019 06:44 GoTuNk! wrote: @JoeCool I always recomend crossfit as a way to stay fit AND meet new people and good looking girls
Will look into that, thanks!
On August 20 2019 05:16 ThunderJunk wrote: Also, NoFap is unbelievably effective at making my manner more enjoyable for everyone around me.
Could you elaborate on that? Because I've tried No-Fap for some time but I didn't feel like it changed anything for me but there are quite a few people who say it changed their lives.
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Well, I thought I've had something going for 7 months now, but seems like it's about to have an abrupt end. I'm kind of still bargaining, because, to be honest, I don't see why we couldn't fix this. Then again, the answer is probably that she doesn't want to. But I don't get why.
I took it rather well yesterday, like shoot, that sucks!, but it's getting worse by the minute.
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I'm visiting some old friends right now in a different part of the country. Been here for a few days and the mood is great. I quite fancy one of the girls, but simultaneously I don't want to ruin the mood and/or friendship. Is there a good way to gauge if she's interested in me at all, and not just acting like a normal friend? It would make it a lot easier to decide if it's a good idea to go for it or not.
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On August 31 2019 08:17 Excludos wrote: I'm visiting some old friends right now in a different part of the country. Been here for a few days and the mood is great. I quite fancy one of the girls, but simultaneously I don't want to ruin the mood and/or friendship. Is there a good way to gauge if she's interested in me at all, and not just acting like a normal friend? It would make it a lot easier to decide if it's a good idea to go for it or not. #1 I think you''re over analyzing about "ruining the mood." There is nothing harmful about thinking a woman is fantastic. You can instantly turn that around with a self deprecating joke. If it fails.. who cares.. make a silly joke about it.. and keep enjoying the current mood. IF she chooses to turn a mild pass into some giant issue its because she is using it for "points". If she has her own agenda, who cares, let her have her own agenda and move forward.
#2. "go for it or not" is not the right mindset sir. We live in an analog world we do not live in a digital world. Put out analog feelers rather than digital declarations. I'll give a couple of examples below.
I've used the "Hershey's Kiss" as an icebreaker. Do they have them in Norway? Give her a Hershey's Kiss. They cost about $0.30. I hand them out all the time for non-romanatic purposes all the time. Give her a Hershey's Kiss or other small chocolate.
Any how, the woman's instant reaction tells you what you need to know. Not her edited politically correct response 5 seconds later. Depending on how she reacts I'll gently take her hand in mine. If she reacts positively i then pull her hand towards me as if I'm going to kiss her on the hand.. but then I kiss my own hand. Its SILLY STUPID FUN. No Analysis. No Algorithms. SILLY STUPID FUN with another human being. Again, watch her instantaneous reaction after you do this. It'll tell you a lot.
I'm an old man. 32. I've slowly built a bag of tricks over the years. Also, when you've been through many times where you've been at the top of the mountain .. and also and the bottom of the lowest valley... 1 single small failure doesn't really matter to me much. If these silly things fall flat... no one cares man. They have their own lives to live.
On August 02 2019 17:19 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On August 01 2019 23:24 L_Master wrote: Right now for instance the woman I'm in a relationship with checks most of mine:
- Low drama: we've been dating about a year and a half and haven't had a fight, raised our voices, yelled, or anything like that.
- Warm/Kind Personality: so far, couldn't ask for more.
- attractive: Probably the closest I've come to compromise. She is cute, but not like crazy hot
- Rational/Logical: I relate best with people that can think in that manner. She easily does better than 90% or more of women in that department.
- Not religious.
- Similar views on parenting and where we want our lives to end up in 10 or 20 years. Obviously, some differences, but most of the key things line up.
- Health Mindset: This is the one questionable box. She doesnt eat great (lean, but does so by eating very little food) and isn't big on exercise...although she shows signs of being genuinely interested in both. Where this stands in 2 or 3 years could have a big impact on the extent to which I see a future with her.
So...overall, that's pretty good in my book. Obviously there are more minor personality or interest differences, but in terms of important, key things it's pretty damn good. Well, you really don't want to date a female clone of yourself, believe me. It's easy, specially at the beginning, but it gets stale fast. There needs to be some little points of conflict. It's good for both and let's you grow Dating your female clone. + Show Spoiler +
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