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On August 31 2019 08:17 Excludos wrote: I'm visiting some old friends right now in a different part of the country. Been here for a few days and the mood is great. I quite fancy one of the girls, but simultaneously I don't want to ruin the mood and/or friendship. Is there a good way to gauge if she's interested in me at all, and not just acting like a normal friend? It would make it a lot easier to decide if it's a good idea to go for it or not.
#1 I think you''re over analyzing about "ruining the mood." There is nothing harmful about thinking a woman is fantastic. You can instantly turn that around with a self deprecating joke. If it fails.. who cares.. make a silly joke about it.. and keep enjoying the current mood. IF she chooses to turn a mild pass into some giant issue its because she is using it for "points". If she has her own agenda, who cares, let her have her own agenda and move forward.
#2. "go for it or not" is not the right mindset sir. We live in an analog world we do not live in a digital world. Put out analog feelers rather than digital declarations. I'll give a couple of examples below.
I've used the "Hershey's Kiss" as an icebreaker. Do they have them in Norway? Give her a Hershey's Kiss. They cost about $0.30. I hand them out all the time for non-romanatic purposes all the time. Give her a Hershey's Kiss or other small chocolate.
Any how, the woman's instant reaction tells you what you need to know. Not her edited politically correct response 5 seconds later. Depending on how she reacts I'll gently take her hand in mine. If she reacts positively i then pull her hand towards me as if I'm going to kiss her on the hand.. but then I kiss my own hand. Its SILLY STUPID FUN. No Analysis. No Algorithms. SILLY STUPID FUN with another human being. Again, watch her instantaneous reaction after you do this. It'll tell you a lot.
I'm an old man. 32. I've slowly built a bag of tricks over the years. Also, when you've been through many times where you've been at the top of the mountain .. and also and the bottom of the lowest valley... 1 single small failure doesn't really matter to me much. If these silly things fall flat... no one cares man. They have their own lives to live.
On August 01 2019 23:24 L_Master wrote: Right now for instance the woman I'm in a relationship with checks most of mine:
- Low drama: we've been dating about a year and a half and haven't had a fight, raised our voices, yelled, or anything like that.
- Warm/Kind Personality: so far, couldn't ask for more.
- attractive: Probably the closest I've come to compromise. She is cute, but not like crazy hot
- Rational/Logical: I relate best with people that can think in that manner. She easily does better than 90% or more of women in that department.
- Not religious.
- Similar views on parenting and where we want our lives to end up in 10 or 20 years. Obviously, some differences, but most of the key things line up.
- Health Mindset: This is the one questionable box. She doesnt eat great (lean, but does so by eating very little food) and isn't big on exercise...although she shows signs of being genuinely interested in both. Where this stands in 2 or 3 years could have a big impact on the extent to which I see a future with her.
So...overall, that's pretty good in my book. Obviously there are more minor personality or interest differences, but in terms of important, key things it's pretty damn good.
Well, you really don't want to date a female clone of yourself, believe me. It's easy, specially at the beginning, but it gets stale fast. There needs to be some little points of conflict. It's good for both and let's you grow
I don't disagree on the over-analysing part. It's what I always do. I'm terrified of ruining moods or friendships by hitting on my friends. It's not like you can't just prod and laugh it off, like you said, but my tact is fucking awful.
In any case, I ended up not doing it. Partly because she, to my (lacking) knowledge, didn't show any interest at all (despite talking about the subject of relationships several times). And partly because i got the flu and didn't have the energy in me.
I'm 30 myself btw. I've been in several FWB situations, but never in an actual relationship. Every time I've tried I've been shattered. My self confidence is at an all time low.
Also no, we don't have Hersey kisses. They taste awful, and Norwegians are as particular about our chocolate as Belgians (I'd say ours is even better).
2018 in a nutshell: I had a very high paying job but was working 80+ hours every week even on christmas/new years, gained about 25 pounds during that time and lost my (then) girlfriend because of the job. 2019 on the other hand has brought a lot of changes and most of them are for the better, or at least I hope so.
So what has changed?
- Got a new job offer in February, where I get payed less but have a lot more freetime, and moved around 250 kilometres from home. - Since March I'm constantly hitting the gym, lost ~ 20 pounds and I'm feeling like I'm in the best shape of my life. - Got myself a motorcycle. At first it was just an idea but somehow it stuck with me so I thought why not and bought one. - Got myself a book on smalltak/self-confidence/rhetoric (pretty crappy tho) - Completely quit porn. - Started eating healthy, lots of salad, vegetables and fish. - Got myself a parachute jump and will go hang gliding in three weeks. - Got appointed as (one of) my best friends best man at his wedding in september in Mexico. - Went to a festival with friends I haven't met in years and met amazing new people. - Starting to take norwegian courses next month. - Got into 40k and painted some pretty nice miniatures which Im proud of - Got fancy new clothes and a new haircut. - Learned to appreciate my hobbies no matter how nerdy they seem (40k) - ...
However, while I feel like I really managed to change a lot within the past ~6 months my life is nowhere near where I want it to be. If someone would ask me whether I'm happy I'd probably say no. And right now this basically comes down to three reasons.
1. While the new job is less stressfull and pays way more on average per hour. It's just not my type of job. It's mostly a deskjob and that's something that has never been a thing for me. Unfortunately - as experienced by myself - theres little I can do since close to nobody wants (or wanted) to hire me. Although my grades were good and I got a lot of practical experience from working as an assistant-store-manager during my bachelor/master courses.
However, theres still this dream of mine to move to finnland or norway (hence the courses) within the next ~24 months. So while that's not "my" job right now I take it as a steppingstone for the future.
2. Ever since I moved back in february, my social circle became pretty much non-existant. While there are a few people scattered all over southern germany theres no-one near my new place with whom I could hang out on a regular basis. My coworkers can't or won't help me out in that matter. Not because they do not care or have sth against me but because they're either 50+ years old or, in case of the only one around my age, extremely unreliable. I mean this guy canceled our BBQ that has been planned for weeks because he forgot to get meat. Like... seriously.
This is a rather difficult situation for me since I'm not really used to "make friends" other than at work/school/university. And as already discussed on this board, making friends becomes increasingly difficult with age (29 right now, which is okay I guess). Plus the new town I'm living in isn't exactly what you'd call diverse when it comes to leisure activities. And unless you're interested in Techno there isn't even a single club to go to. We have a couple of bars but they are pretty crappy. At least compared to what I'm used to...
3. Something that's probably a result of #2, my love-life/the girls. Oh boy... ever since my gf left me around ~ 10 months ago there hasn't been much going on and judging from my current situation theres no change in sight.
As mentioned above I got myself tickets for a festival here in germany where I went with a couple of friends I still know from my teens, they also brought some other guys/girls along so that we were like ~16 people at said festival including a girl I got along with reeeeeally well, almost "too well". In my opinion she'd be a 100% match for me. Unfortunately she is already taken so while the two of us had a great time, theres no chance that this is going anywhere.
Anyhow, this "incident" made me realize two things. 1.) There are girls out there who are a real fit. This might sound stupid but I had a lot of self-doubt because I always thought that I'd probably never a woman to be with, who enjoyed doing the same things, having the same political views (not that this is necessary but it's cool), same taste in food/music, interested in visiting the same places etc.
2.) Girls that are taken seem to find me desirable (had a couple of flirts with those in the past weeks), although they could just be "checking their value". So to speak.
I'm sill (or again) kinda insecure when talking to girls. It's not that I'm too shy to talk to them it's just that sometimes I get the feeling that I'm an enjoyable person to talk to but not exactly what a girl would consider dating-material. Theres still this mantra in my head that I need to be the one getting her excited and stuff... Maybe I'm wrong though.
So what's up next? As of today I decided to give myself a little "challenge". Change a little bit about myself every day or week. Not sure yet. These are basic things like talking to random people on the street, even if it's just as basic as a "Have a nice day" or sth like that or sth more "complicated" like having a small conversation with random people.
Aaaand that's it... I'm not even sure what to expect from this WOT but it feels good to share my thoughts.
Theres just a lot going on in my head right now. A lot of doubt but also a lot of excitement.
Where in southern Germany are you at? Maybe we can meet up sometime I know that Showtime lives around here somewhere, too ^^
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over two years, which was absolutely the worst period of my life. I stayed because she destroyed my self-esteem, convinced me to isolate myself from my friends, and threatened suicide if I left. If anyone tries to do something similar to you, please, for the love of God, get out as fast as you can. Our relationship ended six months ago and I'm still fucked up from it. I went on a couple of dates in August and both times, I started thinking about what if they turned out to be abusive to me.
Also, knowing that someone has moved on from you while you haven't moved on from them is such an awful feeling. I really wanted to be with this girl I knew from school but she never returned my messages. I guess I need to work on moving on
On September 04 2019 08:40 plasmidghost wrote: I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over two years, which was absolutely the worst period of my life. I stayed because she destroyed my self-esteem, convinced me to isolate myself from my friends, and threatened suicide if I left. If anyone tries to do something similar to you, please, for the love of God, get out as fast as you can. Our relationship ended six months ago and I'm still fucked up from it. I went on a couple of dates in August and both times, I started thinking about what if they turned out to be abusive to me.
Also, knowing that someone has moved on from you while you haven't moved on from them is such an awful feeling. I really wanted to be with this girl I knew from school but she never returned my messages. I guess I need to work on moving on
You need to remember you're in control of the bolded. If they are abusive, leave. You don't make the choice necessarily to have the person abuse you, but you do make the choice to stay when they show their character.
When it comes to moving on, yea never get wrapped up into one girl...at least until you guys are dating and clearly having something substantive. I understand completely that losing someone or moving on from someone who you cared about deeply and were invested in. It's silly to want to be with someone you haven't even talked to or gotten a little serious with. The best thing to remember is that there are TONS of options of people you could have great, meaningful relationships out there. Pining over a girl you've never talked to not returning messages is...a really unattractive, desperate, needy look.
Yea I mean at that level it's pretty ridiculous, but it would be exceedingly rare to find someone that's that much like you. Having similar values is, in general, pretty important. Sharing similar hobbies is also not a bad thing. If there is that kind of overlap you definitely have to manage it, and make sure you still have your own "me" time and time for friends and important endeavors, but it's rarely going to be a bad thing to have a companion that appreciates and enjoys the things you're passionate about in life.
On September 04 2019 08:40 plasmidghost wrote: I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over two years, which was absolutely the worst period of my life. I stayed because she destroyed my self-esteem, convinced me to isolate myself from my friends, and threatened suicide if I left. If anyone tries to do something similar to you, please, for the love of God, get out as fast as you can. Our relationship ended six months ago and I'm still fucked up from it. I went on a couple of dates in August and both times, I started thinking about what if they turned out to be abusive to me.
Also, knowing that someone has moved on from you while you haven't moved on from them is such an awful feeling. I really wanted to be with this girl I knew from school but she never returned my messages. I guess I need to work on moving on
You need to remember you're in control of the bolded. If they are abusive, leave. You don't make the choice necessarily to have the person abuse you, but you do make the choice to stay when they show their character.
When it comes to moving on, yea never get wrapped up into one girl...at least until you guys are dating and clearly having something substantive. I understand completely that losing someone or moving on from someone who you cared about deeply and were invested in. It's silly to want to be with someone you haven't even talked to or gotten a little serious with. The best thing to remember is that there are TONS of options of people you could have great, meaningful relationships out there. Pining over a girl you've never talked to not returning messages is...a really unattractive, desperate, needy look.
We used to be somewhat close, and even hooked up a few times, but I stopped talking to her after my ex's gaslighting of me into believing that my friends didn't like me. I then did a lot of thinking the past few days and came to the realization that I'm just projecting my desires onto her and not really treating her like a human being with flaws just like everyone else. I also am working on bettering myself relationship-wise and seeing that those thoughts I have about what if I get into another abusive relationship aren't really founded. After all, I know far more about what red flags to look for and I've beaten my depression, so I'm not going to allow myself to be with anyone that tries to do that to me
Well interesting phase in my relationship now. Basically a distance stint. We've been together for a year now, or at least a year ago is the first time we met anyway.
About 3 months in, before we were officially "dating"/ had the "what are we" talk, she decided to do the Disney College Program as she is a theatre major and also a HUGE fan of Disney. It's 4 months and goes from Sep-Dec. Can't say I'm excited, but 4 months is manageable.
Going to be interesting to see what happens to the relationship, I know I'm not going anywhere because there is more than enough key qualities there and shared views that are good that I'd like to live together and see how that it is. But, I know she is torn. On the one hand, she seems to be very into me, and was super stressed out about leaving. On the other hand, as mentioned, she absolutely loved Disney and theatre, as well as Florida. From a personal life side, she'd much rather be living in Florida, working at Disney with an eye towards possibly being an actress/performer or whatever they are called.
If she had to choose right now, I have no doubt she would choose to move in with me and see where the relationship goes. Four months of being away, in an environment she really enjoys, well...I just don't know where her mind will be at. Biggest concern is she has already talked about a 4 month extension if she got a character part at the auditions at the end of the year. I know that's a BIG dream of hers, and would be more than okay with her doing that, if I knew that she had decided that was her disney swan song. If it's not, and just a stepping stone, then I would not be particularly happy in a LDR that ends.
No way to know, but I don't have any good answers on the uncertainty aspect of it. Will be a modestly stressful three months, and then an extremely stressful 4-5 months if she does get the character part.
I went to Brazil for a couple of months to be with my then gf of like 2 months when she was going on an exchange year. Given I could live off my meagre student income without drawbacks there and idk if it would make sense for you to go to Florida for a month or so in any way apart from the relationship. But sometimes the gamble is worth it (was for me).
If you both agree that it'd be good to share the experiences she'll have in person, judging from my personal experience I'd try to be there at least in part. If she's ok with that and I wouldn't just truly on her to have stuff to do/social contact
Above all congrats to having found someone so nice.
On September 07 2019 16:20 Acrofales wrote: Would you move to Florida for her?
No. Not only do I have to two years left in my engineering program, but I absolutely would not be happy there. If things go well a winter house in a place like Cali or Florida would be amazing in five or ten years down the road.
I couldn't live there though. Location is a big deal for me, perhaps even the #1 factor for what job I want. If you offered me 60k doing something generic where I am now versus 400k doing something exciting in say Florida...60k job. And it wouldn't be a hard choice.
I'd be very unhappy there. Humidity and miserably hot in the summer. Flat meaning boring as shit for outdoor activities like running and cycling. Pretty bad on the bugs. Maybe not quite Alabama or Georgia, but still deep south and lots of the racial attitudes and style I dont care for. Etc. Bottom line is I would not be a happy person living there.
To be honest, there are probably only 4 or 5 things I'm not really willing to compromise on, or just outright go with what would make her happiest, but location is one of them.
MTA: Admittedly I have only passed through. I will be going there in January, and keeping an open mind, but given what I value, it would be a HUGE surprise if I ended up being satisfied in the "this is a nice place to live" way.
On September 07 2019 16:20 Acrofales wrote: Would you move to Florida for her?
No. Not only do I have to two years left in my engineering program,
What kind of engineering are you taking? I took software engineering at an engineering/math school so I don't consider myself a real engineer.
Why not? Computer science/software engineer should require the same general subjects as all other engineering degrees (ie: Math, physics, alchemy, and whatever else I've forgotten). It's not an engineering degree on paper only...or at least it shouldnt be.
On September 07 2019 16:20 Acrofales wrote: Would you move to Florida for her?
No. Not only do I have to two years left in my engineering program,
What kind of engineering are you taking? I took software engineering at an engineering/math school so I don't consider myself a real engineer.
Why not? Computer science/software engineer should require the same general subjects as all other engineering degrees (ie: Math, physics, alchemy, and whatever else I've forgotten). It's not an engineering degree on paper only...or at least it shouldnt be.
This is off topic and its primarily my fault for asking L_Master an off topic question.However, here is my answer... + Show Spoiler +
I didn't take enough chemistry to be considered a professional engineer. Neither did any of the people taking software engineering where i went to school. IMO, the association of professional engineers is making the right call by not allowing us into the club.
Software Engineering? Never heard of that. I've heard of computer engineering, which is usually similar to EE, but with more coding and studies related to operations of things in hardware. In
On September 07 2019 16:20 Acrofales wrote: Would you move to Florida for her?
No. Not only do I have to two years left in my engineering program,
What kind of engineering are you taking? I took software engineering at an engineering/math school so I don't consider myself a real engineer.
Why not? Computer science/software engineer should require the same general subjects as all other engineering degrees (ie: Math, physics, alchemy, and whatever else I've forgotten). It's not an engineering degree on paper only...or at least it shouldnt be.
Alchemy? I wish! Now gimme that philosopher's stone already!
But yeah, I'm a computer scientist. I don't feel like an engineer, and here in Spain I am always grouped with engineering. It doesn't feel right at all. What I studied was somewhere between math and philosophy with some architecture thrown in and wrapped in practical assignments of coding, which is entirely its own thing. What I research/work on is closer to social science/psychology than to engineering. Oh, and there's a shitload of statistics thrown in.
Anyway, back on topic: I thought I'd hate the Brazilian climate when I moved there, but adapted pretty easily. My wife had it harder while we thought she'd adapt faster as she's more used to the heat than I am... but hot and humid just wrecked her. So if you know you're the latter type of person, I can see why moving to Florida is out of the question. And of course, if you're still studying then you can't move until you're done anyway.
That said, I hope you discuss this kind of thing with her. It seems you have quite incompatible ideas of where you will lead your dream lives. Obviously short term a long-distance relationship isn't the end of the world, but if she loves it there and has good career opportunities, and you have to stay where you are and never see yourself moving to Florida then the relationship is doomed, unless you can find a compromise (somewhere different, where there are good job opportunities for both of you, or one of you puts your career on hold). It'd be about priorities in life.
That said, my relationship has been pretty easy in this regard. My wife is very flexible in her work, and actually excited when/if I need to move for work. When I first moved to Brazil, we did a year long-distance, which was hell, but we made it through and my career was going places there, so she moved with me.
On September 07 2019 16:20 Acrofales wrote: Would you move to Florida for her?
No. Not only do I have to two years left in my engineering program,
What kind of engineering are you taking? I took software engineering at an engineering/math school so I don't consider myself a real engineer.
Why not? Computer science/software engineer should require the same general subjects as all other engineering degrees (ie: Math, physics, alchemy, and whatever else I've forgotten). It's not an engineering degree on paper only...or at least it shouldnt be.
Alchemy? I wish! Now gimme that philosopher's stone already!
But yeah, I'm a computer scientist. I don't feel like an engineer, and here in Spain I am always grouped with engineering. It doesn't feel right at all. What I studied was somewhere between math and philosophy with some architecture thrown in and wrapped in practical assignments of coding, which is entirely its own thing. What I research/work on is closer to social science/psychology than to engineering. Oh, and there's a shitload of statistics thrown in.
Anyway, back on topic: I thought I'd hate the Brazilian climate when I moved there, but adapted pretty easily. My wife had it harder while we thought she'd adapt faster as she's more used to the heat than I am... but hot and humid just wrecked her. So if you know you're the latter type of person, I can see why moving to Florida is out of the question. And of course, if you're still studying then you can't move until you're done anyway.
That said, I hope you discuss this kind of thing with her. It seems you have quite incompatible ideas of where you will lead your dream lives. Obviously short term a long-distance relationship isn't the end of the world, but if she loves it there and has good career opportunities, and you have to stay where you are and never see yourself moving to Florida then the relationship is doomed, unless you can find a compromise (somewhere different, where there are good job opportunities for both of you, or one of you puts your career on hold). It'd be about priorities in life.
That said, my relationship has been pretty easy in this regard. My wife is very flexible in her work, and actually excited when/if I need to move for work. When I first moved to Brazil, we did a year long-distance, which was hell, but we made it through and my career was going places there, so she moved with me.
This is pretty accurate. And yes, I already know I couldn't do hot and humid. If I never had to wear clothes, and didn't train and compete seriously, I could manage. But I sweat like crazy...and hate that feeling in clothes. Then that kind of heat also derails good training and makes exercise generally miserable.
We have discussed it plenty. I think she just doesnt know yet how important or not important her career is, especially because she definitely wants kids, and we have talked about how we both prefer the idea of a stay at home parent in earlier years, which she definitely wants to be.
On September 02 2019 06:19 Excludos wrote: In any case, I ended up not doing it. Partly because she, to my (lacking) knowledge, didn't show any interest at all (despite talking about the subject of relationships several times). And partly because i got the flu and didn't have the energy in me.
I'm 30 myself btw. I've been in several FWB situations, but never in an actual relationship. Every time I've tried I've been shattered. My self confidence is at an all time low.
guys' inability to read the signals women provide is a large scale epidemic ...
On September 02 2019 06:19 Excludos wrote: My self confidence is at an all time low.
Start from where you are...
Improving one's self esteem and self confidence is hard work. It requires consistent action. Here is a book I recommend. It is not to be passively read and contemplated. This book is both an action plan and a work book.
first time chiming in here Read a few posts and the conversation seems interesting. I'm a 34, soon to be 35 year old male from Croatia that has started to date for the first time in his life just 2 years ago. The story on why is actually not that complicated. For most of my adult life, I've been sick: Crohns disease, but I have been in remission for the last 9 years and feeling fantastic. Right off the bat, 9 years ago, after my recovery, with my freshly found confidence I got snagged off the market by a very nice girl that I shared my life with for 7 years (we even lived together for 5 and a half). Unfortunately, it did not work out, we drifted apart and she left me. Its been 2 years and I can say I'm getting over it. Still not fully there yet.
What's interesting is, I'm enjoying dating. In my youth I did not have my health, so this is my first, long time on "the market". The problem lies in my access. I work as a teacher and there is zero influx of new workers, so I meet very little females through work. Students are off limits ))) I also climb and run, but I train running alone and climbing here is mostly a male sport, but there is some influx. 90% of my friends are in a relationship and are not up for going out, but to be honest, neither am I. So, I'm using Tinger with success. I've met some really nice girls, although I have not fallen in love, I can't say I'm regretting those experiences Glad to share this with strangers ))
first time chiming in here Read a few posts and the conversation seems interesting. I'm a 34, soon to be 35 year old male from Croatia that has started to date for the first time in his life just 2 years ago. The story on why is actually not that complicated. For most of my adult life, I've been sick: Crohns disease, but I have been in remission for the last 9 years and feeling fantastic. Right off the bat, 9 years ago, after my recovery, with my freshly found confidence I got snagged off the market by a very nice girl that I shared my life with for 7 years (we even lived together for 5 and a half). Unfortunately, it did not work out, we drifted apart and she left me. Its been 2 years and I can say I'm getting over it. Still not fully there yet.
What's interesting is, I'm enjoying dating. In my youth I did not have my health, so this is my first, long time on "the market". The problem lies in my access. I work as a teacher and there is zero influx of new workers, so I meet very little females through work. Students are off limits ))) I also climb and run, but I train running alone and climbing here is mostly a male sport, but there is some influx. 90% of my friends are in a relationship and are not up for going out, but to be honest, neither am I. So, I'm using Tinger with success. I've met some really nice girls, although I have not fallen in love, I can't say I'm regretting those experiences Glad to share this with strangers ))
Glad things are going well! I guess I'm not surprised when you said right after the bat you got snagged, and then said your doing well on Tinder.
EPT
