EPTYes and so I have discovered regularly. It seems as though I am afraid of other people more accomplished or academically-intellectually accomplished then me. Or more knowledgeable, more fortunate and more motivated. I want to compete with people but I don't know how to compete with people, I want to beat them in something (debate, extra-curricular activities etc) but I'm afraid of actually facing them. When I face a confident smart competitor I slip and melt because of fear. Even though there is always chances that I can become as good or better then them but I can't because of the fear of trying. Because of this fear I have put minimal effort into what I should have and nearly ruined what I have. All of them are lost chances.
When I am facing a situation where I am to teethe out of, I can't fight out of. It seems as though I am always stuck in a pile of shit forever, and I can't get out of it. Whenever someone does something better then me, I always feel bad. When I do bad, my mind just tells me I am bad and I am destined for a horrible fate because I feel I'm just pathetic while other people will always enjoy life and garner whatever valuable happy wealth one can get growing up in a prosperous American suburb. Such dire feebleness I have adapted to; for the happiness of others drains me as I commence to a deep state of inner melancholy, yet I feel with despair and horror the happiness that I salvage from comparing others to others under the false pretence of being in their shoes and being happy from their happiness and being satisfied in my weak state of the destruction of myself for I feel that I am worthless in my envy. I must truly admit I do pathetic things and I hurt myself in the process because to me, I'm in this game. In this game I can't possibly win as the very fluidic force of the space-time continuum is somehow blocking me as it sets up its pathways. A game where all the probability and the physics and mathematics are stacked against me as its silent equations hum and process the needed trajectories creating a dimensional-invisible block that I simply cannot pass like the wall of your room that you cannot break with your fists or bypass.
The consequence of this fear does not allow me to face the nature of life itself; unlike the survival of a primitive feral man does up to his bones and teeth in a devoid lifeless valley when he is facing such nature. For when the primal force of nature comes and the need for wealth and valuables become necessary to you, to breed, and frolic like all the youthful knowledgeable students in this time while you are stripped to surviving on your own to the dismay of yourself and acquaintances; I am struck a-cross by the very hammer of Thor himself; and driven 6-feet underground to a place a man can dread and feel despair in. Whatever the place of nightmares the man perceives in his simplistic greedy mind.
Such happiness and ignorance those other people emit, yet they are satisfied for what they are getting in accomplishments and they do not perceive any demons for all the demons in them are crushed and run over as they have lived happy fortunate lives with little interference. They cannot see monsters of man’s harsh reality as they have seen no monsters in their common day lives or faced them. I have as I have lived in a very hellish situation; this place is a barren desert to me. I want to live a normal man’s life fully, I wish to ride the very skies on its winds and reach the very stars of the void itself; I want to gaze at the moon from the end of the earth and tear the world apart when it comes to hammer me. I cannot the pretend nor comprehend the luxurious lives of those beautiful intelligent girls or handsome charismatic young men that surround me and the happy futures they have in waiting for them, all mercy for them. The reality of them is incomprehensible for I cannot imagine that I could live life like that; that is the stuff of dreams to me. I feel so pessimistic like a man under a disease of pestilence. I cannot see the light and I have not felt the light for the only thing for a man like me to see is that the laws of universe in its entirety do not favor me. That is how the happy healthy lives of the accomplished around me are unimaginable to sight for a person such as me. No worries, no monsters, no sick old long-nosed bearded men high in steeds to impose the tides of reality on to you. I then see those that have not lived life to the fullest and achieve their maximum potential while not wanting to, such fools, I do not want to be like them. I feel pity for them, for all the comforts of the worlds that they can ever get will always be artificial. I have a false world to retreat to, but I have no young fair women to go to, to gently caress and whisper my troubles to. A fair woman’s wisdom and comfort is worth more then what an abysmal world can give to you, it is worth a fruit from a high tree. But alas I have none for my doings, for I have come under their crosses and there despises for they joyfully live in what they have accomplished and they cannot accept the company and love of a person such as me. I squirm in frustration as I cannot acquire the company of those beautiful intelligent women. I have come under there disregard for they dare to be greedy as they can stand in the face of the world, without agony.
I feel dissatisfied, as everyday I writher away as the very harsh land to which I inhabit takes it toll on me. I’m in a hell, a living hell to which there are millions of minions of carrion creatures to which I have to beat, I feel as though they control the entire world and there opinion matters the most and I can never defeat them. Those are the people I envy, those are the ones I scry of a future that is happy to them but I feel as though I cannot have a future better them. That is why I have stopped trying, those beautiful women and handsome men are the very demons that inhabit this very plane. I cannot smash them aside as I feel intimidated by them, they are the very demons that are the inhabitants of this complex, and they are an imaginary threat that is taking a punishment on my life. For every demon I beat I advance to a higher level with stronger demons waiting for me. But they are figments of my imagination nonetheless, and the demons are winning, and I always have to compare myself to what they do but I knew somewhere that I can defeat them; I sit here in my existing room as I am dreadfully reminded that, the place I live in is the only abstract reality the world has granted to me. But there is hope out there, I know I can become something great someday and run toward my happiness..........
So what say you my fellow Tl.netters? How does a man live the game and live the life and reach high for the sky? How deos one escape from this desolate state?
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