EPTLet’s take a big knife and cut through this giant apple to the core of the issue; ladies, it’s time you took to your perfume room or dressing chamber or chaise-longue or whatever it is you do with your spare time and left eSports to the menfolk.
Be honest, have you ever lost to a girl at anything? Me neither. Unless it’s arguments about wallpaper patterns or curtains or what time the kids should stay up until or whether it’s ok to let them play with my shuriken collection. In which case – fair enough – that’s a ladies domain and you’re gonna lose. But whatever, it’s a shit domain. It’s like in a game where there’s a dude who is the King of a shithole and he’s like “THIS IS MY DOMAIN” and I want to say “that’s fine your domain is ass” but that dialogue option is never offered.
When I said “have you ever lost to a girl at anything” just then at the start of that paragraph by the way I was talking to the men reading this. Any women reading this will have lost to each other a TON because they have to play girl sports like netball and field hockey but I mean, a mouse would probably beat another mouse at a lifting contest, and that sure as heck doesn’t mean she could then go toe-to-tiny-toe with the Hulk, does it?
Just because a mouse – or a woman – is good at a thing doesn’t mean it/she should be allowed to play with the big dogs, aka MEN.
Let’s look at games. Take a game like, say, Dota 2. I’ve probably played with women only three times ever and every time it was fucking miserable. They whine and moan and talk about flowers. The whole time we’re laning the girls are literally looking at the little squirrels that run around the Dota map and going “awwww” and I’m like “YO. STACK AND PULL. AND HOW BOUT A DANG SAMMICH” but they didn’t listen, and when one of them mis-cast her ultimate she blamed her nails.
WHAT THE ACTUAL.
Which brings us to tournaments. If I was starting an eSports tournament there’s a few simple rules but the main one is “no women”. I’d probably call them “females” which kinda puts them in their place a bit more. “No females”. I think the word ‘women’ is too empowering because it has the word ‘men’ in it. ‘Females’ implies they are mere animals for breeding and I like it that way.
But then again ‘females’ is the word ‘males’ with the word ‘fe’ stuck on the front.
‘Fe’.
If you said that it sounds like someone who doesn’t give a shit.
“Hey let’s go to the shops.”
“Fe.”
“Fuck you then.”
The fact that ‘fe’ is the chemical symbol for the element iron is hilarious because it’s actually so IRONIC and it also involves iron. Iron is the toughest thing aside from adamantium (like Wolverine’s skeleton) I mean…..that’s the sort of revelation men have on a daily basis. Do women? No.
Would one of them come up with an idea that would change the meta? No. Would one of them say “team, I’m taking void offlane and getting and aghs”? if they did, in a word I’d be STUNLOCKED if one of them ever said that. I’d just stand there dumbfounded and wonder if this was a ventriloquist or something.
They cannot compete with men so why let them? I already know the result and so do you. It’s pointless. It’s like having an arm wrestling contest between a bear and a blueberry muffin. The muffin is fucked. The bear is gonna eat that muffin and then fuck its muffin girlfriend in the butt. Why subject me, the viewer, to that? (Although I can’t pretend I wouldn’t be curious about watching a bear fuck a muffin in the ass)
So yeah. Let’s keep women out of our man competitions or Manpetitions if you like. Dudetests. CHAPionships.
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