EPTThoughts on ex sleeping with best friend? - Page 5
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thezanursic
5500 Posts
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-stOpSKY-
Canada498 Posts
fuck him and fuck her too bro, you can do better than that. no matter how attracted i was to my best friends ex i'd never sleep with her. also i'd never sleep with an ex's best friend or any other one of her girlfriend's for that matter. | ||
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Xanbatou
United States805 Posts
On December 28 2013 12:12 -stOpSKY- wrote: she hated every time she had sex with him yet she had sex with him multiple times? fuck him and fuck her too bro, you can do better than that. no matter how attracted i was to my best friends ex i'd never sleep with her. also i'd never sleep with an ex's best friend or any other one of her girlfriend's for that matter. I explained that before. I had sex with someone multiple times even though I didn't particularly enjoy because I thought it might change and get better/more meaningful. Obviously, that doesn't happen. Yes, my friend is a dick. But I think my ex can be excused because she was in pretty severe emotional turmoil. I mean, I might have actually done the same thing as her if the opportunity was available, given that I also was in a pretty bad place emotionally. Can you really say you wouldn't do the same thing after the end of a 5 year relationship? | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14081 Posts
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Xanbatou
United States805 Posts
On December 28 2013 12:20 r.Evo wrote: Did you ever tell her that you don't want her to sleep with your buddy and/or did she know that you told him you don't want him to sleep with her? I never explicitly told her that I didn't want her to. That's sort of in bad taste anyways, isn't it? If you just say, hey don't sleep with this guy. She did say that if I had done that, she would not have slept with him. Also, I don't exactly know whether or not she knows that I told my friend it would upset me. Even if she did, I don't know that it would matter. Her sleeping with anyone would technically bother me, but it's not like she's supposed to not sleep with anyone, right? It may bother me, but that's my problem and not hers, because it's her right to do so since we were not together and no longer had obligations to each other. However, my friend was still my friend, so he did have obligations to me. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14081 Posts
On December 28 2013 12:23 Xanbatou wrote: I never explicitly told her that I didn't want her to. That's sort of in bad taste anyways, isn't it? If you just say, hey don't sleep with this guy. She did say that if I had done that, she would not have slept with him. Also, I don't exactly know whether or not she knows that I told my friend it would upset me. Then what exactly is your problem? She is in a relationship. Relationship breaks up. She sleeps with someone else. What the hell do you need to "forgive her" for? | ||
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Cubu
1171 Posts
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mahrgell
Germany3943 Posts
On December 28 2013 19:27 Cubu wrote: what's wrong with your friend sleeping with your ex gf? nothing, but ppl like to pretend, that once you were in a relationship, you have the right to decide over your ex significant others life for the rest of her life as well... That she now comes back spices up the story for a bit, but still... She was solo, didn't even know he would not like it is and somehow was expected to ask for his allowance and now for his forgiveness? And about going back together. While i said earlier that i would clearly say no, from your posts i get the feeling, that deep inside you want it as well. So while it may not be rational to outsiders... follow your heart. If it doesn't work out, it will be over quick, so you won't have lost much time. But afterwards you will know for sure what the right way is. If you don't try it, you will always ask yourself what if. And you two made it out with each other for 5 years. So can't be all that bad. And try to ignore, what happened in your "spare time". Everyone was on himself and everyone did, what (s)he thought to cover the sadness best. Sounded like you did pretty much the same thing as her.  (look for some quick replacement, notice that sex does not replace a longterm relationship) Whoever you chose for that doesnt matter much | ||
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ghrur
United States3786 Posts
Now, you said earlier that you two broke up because of "her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless." Isn't that exactly what she did? She didn't realize what she wanted. She didn't communicate to you about her feelings. She was impulsive, and fucked your best friend (somewhat careless). Based on that story, do you really think she's changed? I wouldn't. | ||
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maartendq
Belgium3115 Posts
Also, your friend does not have obligations to you because he's a friend. Friendship is not an unwritten contract that states what friends can and cannot do. Friendship is a bond that is formed when two people gravitate towards each other because they have common interests or have been through something together. Real friends are the kind of friends that understand that people can and will make mistakes, but won't think any less of them because of it. It's really time people stopped taking that "bro code" bullshit so serious. I don't even know why anyone would take it serious in the first place: all HIMYM does is show exactly how ridiculous a thing like that is. | ||
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IamaGrapeMan
Canada165 Posts
but i think it'd be really hard to be that mature--don't fake it if you can't is what i'm saying; it's more important to be authentic to who you are and what you can handle. | ||
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Xanbatou
United States805 Posts
On December 29 2013 04:47 maartendq wrote: Important tip for the OP: if you do end up getting together with her (which you should if you both still love each other), never take her for granted. People in relationships like to feel loved, and be shown that they are loved. Every couple I know that has been married for over twenty years still puts in a lot of effort to show their significant others how much they love them. Also, your friend does not have obligations to you because he's a friend. Friendship is not an unwritten contract that states what friends can and cannot do. Friendship is a bond that is formed when two people gravitate towards each other because they have common interests or have been through something together. Real friends are the kind of friends that understand that people can and will make mistakes, but won't think any less of them because of it. It's really time people stopped taking that "bro code" bullshit so serious. I don't even know why anyone would take it serious in the first place: all HIMYM does is show exactly how ridiculous a thing like that is. You are right. As my first relationship however, it's very easy to slide into complacency, although it's not really excuse. However, the appropriate response from the other person isn't to just completely trash the relationship. The correct response is to communicate that the other person feels like they are being taken for granted and that complacency has set in. However, I disagree with you about my friend. Real friends watch out for each other and have each other's best interests in mind. People aren't just friends because they share a few common activities. People are friends because beyond that shallow connection, they actually care about the well-being of the other person. I made it very clear to him how I felt about it and he completely disregarded anything that I said and went behind my back. Dunno about you, but to me, that's the mark of a shitty friend. | ||
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lovelyrose
Canada160 Posts
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Kingsky
Singapore298 Posts
On December 29 2013 04:55 IamaGrapeMan wrote: i think it would take a high maturity level to forgive her, much less your best friend but i think it'd be really hard to be that mature--don't fake it if you can't is what i'm saying; it's more important to be authentic to who you are and what you can handle. I dont see it as maturity, being mature doesnt mean you forgive people for their transgressions, maybe magnanimity? But still you'd have to be pretty damn tolerant to let that go | ||
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wchigo
China71 Posts
On December 27 2013 18:28 FFW_Rude wrote: Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but : Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ? I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her. 5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one. Maybe i'm being too categoric I don't think you forgave if you ask the question The bolded part is mostly what I'm getting from the OP's posts as well. OP, no amount of advice from any third party is going to help you in this scenario. You ask 100 different people what they would do or what they did do if they were in your place and you would surely get an extremely wide range of results. For what it's worth, which is not much in my opinion, I wouldn't get back together with her because if she could break up with you once because she felt the spark wasn't there anymore or that you got complacent because you weren't doing nice things for her (which, by the way, should be something you do willingly and not something you do because you have to), she could do it again easily for another reason, even one that may be completely illogical. Ultimately you have to decide what you want to do, regardless of whatever anyone else in this thread says; despite what you say you keep defending her, which is understandable since no one else in this thread knows her, but it also makes me feel like you are leaning more towards getting back with her rather than not. Either way, good luck to you OP. | ||
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IamaGrapeMan
Canada165 Posts
On December 29 2013 13:14 Kingsky wrote: I dont see it as maturity, being mature doesnt mean you forgive people for their transgressions, maybe magnanimity? But still you'd have to be pretty damn tolerant to let that go so you think magnanimity isn't a kind of maturity? i'd disagree about that. but anyway, what would you be accomplishing by not forgiving someone? would you really rather hold a grudge and allow it to embitter you? it's not like by forgiving someone it means you need to hang out with them or even trust them anymore, you don't have to be naive about it. on the other hand, people also make mistakes, even really,really stupid ones. i think it does take a level a maturity to be able to recognize that and genuinely not hold a grudge, or better yet not take it personally. as for the question of getting back with someone, if this is a girl you've only been seeing for a year or so then probably it's not worth it to get back to together. but if you share a long history with her i'd be more comfortable keeping my distance about offering a contrary opinion, since i think things aren't always so simple. most of the time it's probably a bad idea to get back together though i think, but i think there are definitely exceptions. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32157 Posts
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QuanticHawk
United States32157 Posts
On December 30 2013 10:54 IamaGrapeMan wrote: but anyway, what would you be accomplishing by not forgiving someone? would you really rather hold a grudge and allow it to embitter you? it's not like by forgiving someone it means you need to hang out with them or even trust them anymore, you don't have to be naive about it. on the other hand, people also make mistakes, even really,really stupid ones. i think it does take a level a maturity to be able to recognize that and genuinely not hold a grudge, or better yet not take it personally. you can not forgive someone and at the same time not give a shit because that person isnt a part of your life anymore. that's a totally healthy reaction to something like this. also, fucking someone several times is most certainly not a mistake. granted, who your ex fucks after you split isn't your business. but it is pretty interesting to see the op hate his friend for doing something that he knows would piss him off, but gives his ex a pass even though she surely knew that boinking her ex's best friend would irk him a tad. mutual acquaintences, whatever. but going after your ex's best friend is shittyyyy | ||
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