|
Hey TL..
So I have a question. My ex and I dated for 5 years, and then we ended up breaking up. I don't know the exact details, but I found out that she started sleeping with my best friend a few months after the break up. I made it very clear to my best friend that it would upset me if he did that, but he did it anyways, so he's a bad friend and fuck him. However, when my ex got in contact with me, she said that she wants to get back together and try to fix things.
Is this something that I should forgive her for? I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault? She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely. She said that she was attracted to him and ever since graduating, there were very few other people to hang out with, so they would hang out a lot one on one. She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand. I also happened to be her first relationship, and her mine), so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off. She said after reflecting that a huge reason she was doing it was because she felt lonely and depressed and miserable that we were apart and she realized after calling it off that she still loved me and had really strong feelings for me.
I feel like my friend's behaviour is totally inexcusable because he was an outsider in all this and didn't have his judgement clouded by a ton of different emotions and was emotionally stable. However, I was in the same boat that my ex described. I was also miserable and lonely and depressed and I just felt like I had a void in me. When I think about it, I just don't know if I can honestly say that I would have declined sleeping with my ex's best friend if the opportunity was there, even if I know that objectively it would have been a bad thing to do.
TL, what do you think about this? I just need to get some other people's thoughts on it...people that aren't necessarily biased towards me.
|
Is this something that I should forgive her for?
no
yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit.
She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely.
As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise.
All in all, you need to consider going back to her only if you feel like there is something there. As you can tell, if you're going back to her to fill the void left after the break-up, you'll find that it will be rather superficial. In my opinion, prioritize what you want out of the relationship and then make a decision.
In my honest opinion, I would not let her back in.
|
On December 27 2013 17:52 Torte de Lini wrote:no yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit. As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise.
I realize that it is generally a social travesty. Very, very few people are okay with it. But considering the situation, is it more excusable? I mean, I feel like anyone trying to get over the end of a 5 year relationship will be making a lot of really poor choices. Like I said, I'm usually the most loyal of people, but even I don't know if I could refuse an ex's best friend if I thought that they would give me a temporary and/or even partial relief from the misery I was experiencing.
|
Avoid getting back together with her like the plague. If the roles were reversed and she were the one getting advice from others, she'd be told to do the same thing.
Generally, if someone "needs" a relationship he/she is not ready for one. A relationship takes 2 people...1 person plus another person, not 1 person and another who needs someone to be 1.
|
On December 27 2013 17:55 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 17:52 Torte de Lini wrote:Is this something that I should forgive her for? no yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit. She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely. As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise. I realize that it is generally a social travesty. Very, very few people are okay with it. But considering the situation, is it more excusable? I mean, I feel like anyone trying to get over the end of a 5 year relationship will be making a lot of really poor choices. Like I said, I'm usually the most loyal of people, but even I don't know if I could refuse an ex's best friend if I thought that they would give me a temporary and/or even partial relief from the misery I was experiencing.
The only situation is the one she created and fell into and is now looking for understanding because she realized her mistake.
Even people in longer relationships don't do these sorts of things because it doesn't make sense (believe me). She laid it out herself; she was lonely and miserable, didn't go out and meet other people, slept with whoever was around.
She didn't want to get out of her rut, she just wanted to fill it up with the nearest person, regardless of your relationship with that person.
It's easy to live in the: "what if", but you're not in that situation. You need to consider it as it is, not as something comparable.
If considering getting back with her, think about my question above. What do you want out of the relationship, what are your priorities and can she fulfill it? If you're just looking to get comfortable again; you'll find the future is not so scary.
|
To answer your question with my opinions :
Is this something that I should forgive her for?
Fuck no
I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend.
She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one).
so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ?
And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first
I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but...
She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course).
What i can tell you is this : - You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later. - You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend).
She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p).
Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more.
|
Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
|
On December 27 2013 18:18 reki- wrote: Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
yes he's right, only one gender has the license to sleep with anyone...
|
On December 27 2013 18:16 FFW_Rude wrote:To answer your question with my opinions : Fuck no Show nested quote + I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend. Show nested quote + She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one). Show nested quote + so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ? And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but... She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course). What i can tell you is this : - You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later. - You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend). She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p). Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more.
She didn't think it would upset me. We hadn't spoken in months so she thought I had moved on, just as I thought she had moved on.
And yes, I'm sure she is telling the truth in everything she has told me. If she was lying to me, this would be the first time in 5 years.
|
I am going to say the exact opposite of Torte de Lini.
she said that she wants to get back together and try to fix things.
Nope. Don't go there. She obviously has very strong feelings for you and you obviously have very strong feelings for her. That's ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her you will always love her in some way. But I think it would do you both a world of good to agree to just be friends. Or, failing that, split up amicably. You are each others first relationship and eachothers world for 5 years. Of course that hurts like hell being ripped apart. But consider this, it didn't work out between you before and now there is all this extra baggage and issues between you. It would have even less chance of working out now than it did before.
Is this something that I should forgive her for?
In your own time, When you find a way to do so, you should definitely forgive both of them. Holding onto that grudge will only let it sit in your heart festering indefinitely. Maybe it will take you a month, maybe a year. Eventually you need to just let it go.
People fuck up, have weaknesses, etc. You said yourself you could very well have fallen for the same thing if the situation were reversed. Learning to forgive and look back and smile at the good times and learn from the bad ones is the only way you'll move past it.
Source: In my first relationship (about half a year long) she slept with my best friend the night after we broke up. As well as a few other times. He wanted it to be more but for her it was just a meaningless fling to take the pain off, so she had to break it off with him. She wanted to keep it a secret because she knew it would hurt and she didn't want to hurt me but I found out anyway. That was at least some small comfort that she never wanted to hurt me.
Now days we're both happily married to other people and she constantly posts pics of her kid to facebook, so good for us.
|
On December 27 2013 18:18 reki- wrote: Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
That's pretty easy to answer. She did it because it was safe and because it was familiar. She had never slept with anyone else besides me. I know I would rather sleep with someone familiar, someone I knew cared at some level, rather than hook up with someone random who may or may not leave the morning after and who I would never see again.
|
On December 27 2013 18:21 turtles wrote:I am going to say the exact opposite of Torte de Lini. Nope. Don't go there. She obviously has very strong feelings for you and you obviously have very strong feelings for her. That's ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her you will always love her in some way. But I think it would do you both a world of good to agree to just be friends. Or, failing that, split up amicably. You are each others first relationship and eachothers world for 5 years. Of course that hurts like hell being ripped apart. But consider this, it didn't work out between you before and now there is all this extra baggage and issues between you. It would have even less chance of working out now than it did before. In your own time, When you find a way to do so, you should definitely forgive both of them. Holding onto that grudge will only let it sit in your heart festering indefinitely. Maybe it will take you a month, maybe a year. Eventually you need to just let it go. People fuck up, have weaknesses, etc. You said yourself you could very well have fallen for the same thing if the situation were reversed. Learning to forgive and look back and smile at the good times and learn from the bad ones is the only way you'll move past it. Source: In my first relationship (about half a year long) she slept with my best friend the night after we broke up. As well as a few other times. He wanted it to be more but for her it was just a meaningless fling to take the pain off, so she had to break it off with him. She wanted to keep it a secret because she knew it would hurt and she didn't want to hurt me but I found out anyway. That was at least some small comfort that she never wanted to hurt me. Now days we're both happily married to other people and she constantly posts pics of her kid to facebook, so good for us.
With regards to your first paragraph:
Do you really think it's true that it would have less chance of working out? I mean, I'm obviously not going to take her back just because she wants me to. I'm better than that. I would only take her back if she can also demonstrate that the very issues that caused our relationship to end previously will not be a problem anymore. The issues causing the breakup were mainly her own which was not communicating how she felt about things until they just festered and blew up.
With regards to your second paragraph:
I misspoke. Obviously, I forgive both of them. I guess what I was really asking was, should I be willing to take her back given that this happened?
|
Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but :
She didn't think it would upset me. Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ?
I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her.
5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one.
Maybe i'm being too categoric
I misspoke. Obviously, I forgive both of them. I guess what I was really asking was, should I be willing to take her back given that this happened?
I don't think you forgave if you ask the question
|
My advice is simple (kind of); forgive them both but under no circumstance start dating her again. It will always be on your mind and every time you sleep together it will be on your mind. Also it will always come up during a big fight and you never will be able to trust her again and what is a relationship without trust. I have been in a very similar situation. Forgive them and move on, it will be hard but in the long run it will safe you lots of heartache. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but this is what I have learned out of personal experience. This is only my point of view and what you decide is ultimately up to you.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
|
On December 27 2013 18:28 FFW_Rude wrote:Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but : Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ? I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her. 5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one. Maybe i'm being too categoric
No, you're pretty spot on.
|
Bearded Elder29877 Posts
How can You call that guy Your friend?
Get rid of both ex g/f and Your friend.
|
Obviously yes.
Do you really want to leave a person crushed, depressed and lonely and make them even more crushed, depressed and lonely? Are you even human?
Ask yourself if your life was a TV show*, what would have happened? It may take a season or two but obviously you get back together.
+ Show Spoiler +*may be referring to some pretty shitty TV shows
|
I don't think i could forgive any of them. Good luck with your decision and think about yourself in the long term.
|
She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever.
But even though I think there is nothing to blame on her, i would NOT at all consider her proposal or however you may call it. It smells trouble and such emotionally unstable and onesided relationships because one person needs the other one will never work and won't do either of you good. It will be hard for her if you say no, and probably even hard for you... but in the end it is better for both then dragging this drama on.
|
On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote: She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever.
On a serious note, this is so true.
Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it.
|
Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end.
|
If she's under no consideration for his feelings, why does she feel the need to justify not only her actions, but her emotionality behind it?
I feel you guys are crashing rationale with social expectancies. If she doesn't have to consider his feelings, then there's further reason not to consider getting back with her.
Thus, asking for forgiveness is negligible if the underlying question is: Should I get back with her?
|
IMO you should sleep with her best friend to even the score. Until you do that, don't even think about getting back together with her because there will be an imbalance in your relationship if you do, and it will just drive you mad later down the road. If you don't even things out, you will always have on the back of your mind your friend drilled the girl you're going out with.
|
On December 27 2013 20:04 Torte de Lini wrote: I feel you guys are crashing rationale with social expectancies. If she doesn't have to consider his feelings, then there's further reason not to consider getting back with her.
That's a pretty shit reason. Expecting people to put your feelings before their own while you're not in a relationship, after you've broken up is incredibly self-centered.
As for why she's explaining her actions, that's her business. Maybe she needs to be honest. Maybe she feels guilty, even though she shouldn't. Maybe she just feels insecure about the whole thing. I don't know and I don't care.
The point is that the whole incident with the best friend should not be taken into account when making a decision, but rather the previous relationship and the reason they broke up (which OP conveniently omitted to bring up).
|
As i said, i see no way, he should go back together with her. But not because she slept with his friend, but because of her general instability about a relationship with him. This won't work. And sometimes a clear cut is better then a never closing wound, that gets half stitched. But he asked 2 questions: 1) Should he try it again with her? - Answered above. 2) Should he forgive her? / Is she at fault? - There is nothing to forgive, she didn't do anything wrong. If there is someone at wrong here, it is him, trying to tell her who she is allowed to date with, after they broke up. If getting laid by his friend was her way to deal with her troubles, so be it. He should look forward to his own future. Not backward to what has happened to his past.
|
On December 27 2013 20:22 LastDance wrote: IMO you should sleep with her best friend to even the score. Until you do that, don't even think about getting back together with her because there will be an imbalance in your relationship if you do, and it will just drive you mad later down the road. If you don't even things out, you will always have on the back of your mind your friend drilled the girl you're going out with.
so before you date a girl, you ask her, how many boyfriends she had before and then go out to even the score? It is completely her business, what she did in the time they were not together. She didn't cheat him, his friend didn't cheat him, no one did.
|
On December 27 2013 20:24 Talin wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 20:04 Torte de Lini wrote: I feel you guys are crashing rationale with social expectancies. If she doesn't have to consider his feelings, then there's further reason not to consider getting back with her. That's a pretty shit reason. Expecting people to put your feelings before their own while you're not in a relationship, after you've broken up is incredibly self-centered. As for why she's explaining her actions, that's her business. Maybe she needs to be honest. Maybe she feels guilty, even though she shouldn't. Maybe she just feels insecure about the whole thing. I don't know and I don't care. The point is that the whole incident with the best friend should not be taken into account when making a decision, but rather the previous relationship and the reason they broke up (which OP conveniently omitted to bring up).
Expecting people to put feelings of others before their own sounds like a social expectancy to me. It's a transgression of relationships, why are we denying the friendship between two people as not a factor?
You're blurring out things that matter and weigh decisions for the sake of sounding right, without mindfulness of everyone involved.
|
On December 27 2013 20:22 LastDance wrote: IMO you should sleep with her best friend to even the score. Until you do that, don't even think about getting back together with her because there will be an imbalance in your relationship if you do, and it will just drive you mad later down the road. If you don't even things out, you will always have on the back of your mind your friend drilled the girl you're going out with.
Wow, that is terrible advice ! Even if he did, it will always be on his mind.
|
On December 27 2013 19:59 SiskosGoatee wrote: Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end.
I agree, to an extent. I think some of the other guys here are pretty disturbed.
1. After you two broke up she doesn't owe you shit.
2. Get rid of your so-called "friend". That dude needs to be out of your life.
3. Regarding your ex, it's ultimately you have to figure out for yourself. She's gambling emotionally in a bid to have you back. Don't take her back out of pity but don't reject her out of spite. The ball is completely in your court at this point.
|
On December 27 2013 22:14 c0ldfusion wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 19:59 SiskosGoatee wrote: Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end. I agree, to an extent. I think some of the other guys here are pretty disturbed. 1. After you two broke up she doesn't owe you shit. 2. Get rid of your so-called "friend". That dude needs to be out of your life. 3. Regarding your ex, it's ultimately you have to figure out for yourself. She's gambling emotionally in a bid to have you back. Don't take her back out of pity but don't reject her out of spite. The ball is completely in your court at this point.
After 5years you don't owe shit ? I mean. If you spent 5year of your time with someone you give them respect at least.
1. If after 5year you feel like you don't owe shit to someone you're a bad person (unless crap happens). 2. Well i aggree. But you have to say that for both of 'em. 3. You don't know what to do and ask and what we can say is: "your choice". That i agree with completly.
|
On December 27 2013 22:19 FFW_Rude wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 22:14 c0ldfusion wrote:On December 27 2013 19:59 SiskosGoatee wrote: Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end. I agree, to an extent. I think some of the other guys here are pretty disturbed. 1. After you two broke up she doesn't owe you shit. 2. Get rid of your so-called "friend". That dude needs to be out of your life. 3. Regarding your ex, it's ultimately you have to figure out for yourself. She's gambling emotionally in a bid to have you back. Don't take her back out of pity but don't reject her out of spite. The ball is completely in your court at this point. After 5years you don't owe shit ? I mean. If you spent 5year of your time with someone you give them respect at least. 1. If after 5year you feel like you don't owe shit to someone you're a bad person (unless crap happens). 2. Well i aggree. But you have to say that for both of 'em. 3. You don't know what to do and ask and what we can say is: "your choice". That i agree with completly.
First of all, 5 years is not that long dude. I'm not sure at what length I'd draw a line but 5 years is really not that much.
Secondly, they broke up and as far as we understand, with no strings attached. For all she knows, he could have moved on completely. He doesn't own her. I'm not sure why you're having trouble understand this. Of course what happened doesn't reflect well on her emotional stability and that's something OP will have to take into consideration.
My point still stands, OP doesn't owe her anything either. We don't have all the details - he needs to figure this out on his own.
|
5 years is a decently long time for a first relationship.
|
On December 27 2013 22:30 c0ldfusion wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 22:19 FFW_Rude wrote:On December 27 2013 22:14 c0ldfusion wrote:On December 27 2013 19:59 SiskosGoatee wrote: Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end. I agree, to an extent. I think some of the other guys here are pretty disturbed. 1. After you two broke up she doesn't owe you shit. 2. Get rid of your so-called "friend". That dude needs to be out of your life. 3. Regarding your ex, it's ultimately you have to figure out for yourself. She's gambling emotionally in a bid to have you back. Don't take her back out of pity but don't reject her out of spite. The ball is completely in your court at this point. After 5years you don't owe shit ? I mean. If you spent 5year of your time with someone you give them respect at least. 1. If after 5year you feel like you don't owe shit to someone you're a bad person (unless crap happens). 2. Well i aggree. But you have to say that for both of 'em. 3. You don't know what to do and ask and what we can say is: "your choice". That i agree with completly. First of all, 5 years is not that long dude. I'm not sure at what length I'd draw a line but 5 years is really not that much. Secondly, they broke up and as far as we understand, with no strings attached. For all she knows, he could have moved on completely. He doesn't own her. I'm not sure why you're having trouble understand this. Of course what happened doesn't reflect well on her emotional stability and that's something OP will have to take into consideration. My point still stands, OP doesn't owe her anything either. We don't have all the details - he needs to figure this out on his own.
5Year on a first relation is quite long. How old are you ? I don't know the age of the OP. I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that is not that old (since first relation). (i don't ask your age because i think you are childish or anything. I ask because yeah... if you are over your 30, a 5year relationship would be quite short and even i am 30 and i didn't have a relatioship that last the long for now).
I agree he needs to make a choice of his own. Why would you trust the internet anyway ? I agree with you. Except that they don't owe each other nothing. Because it's a first relationship. There is still respect in line.
|
On December 27 2013 22:44 FFW_Rude wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 22:30 c0ldfusion wrote:On December 27 2013 22:19 FFW_Rude wrote:On December 27 2013 22:14 c0ldfusion wrote:On December 27 2013 19:59 SiskosGoatee wrote: Did she or he do anything "wrong"? No, not really I feel, she was under no obligation to consider your feelings. However, one might argue that for a significant other you might expect something a little more than 'not doing something wrong', you want someone who cares exceptionally for you and she demonstrated not doing that. Your call in the end. I agree, to an extent. I think some of the other guys here are pretty disturbed. 1. After you two broke up she doesn't owe you shit. 2. Get rid of your so-called "friend". That dude needs to be out of your life. 3. Regarding your ex, it's ultimately you have to figure out for yourself. She's gambling emotionally in a bid to have you back. Don't take her back out of pity but don't reject her out of spite. The ball is completely in your court at this point. After 5years you don't owe shit ? I mean. If you spent 5year of your time with someone you give them respect at least. 1. If after 5year you feel like you don't owe shit to someone you're a bad person (unless crap happens). 2. Well i aggree. But you have to say that for both of 'em. 3. You don't know what to do and ask and what we can say is: "your choice". That i agree with completly. First of all, 5 years is not that long dude. I'm not sure at what length I'd draw a line but 5 years is really not that much. Secondly, they broke up and as far as we understand, with no strings attached. For all she knows, he could have moved on completely. He doesn't own her. I'm not sure why you're having trouble understand this. Of course what happened doesn't reflect well on her emotional stability and that's something OP will have to take into consideration. My point still stands, OP doesn't owe her anything either. We don't have all the details - he needs to figure this out on his own. 5Year on a first relation is quite long. How old are you ? I don't know the age of the OP. I'm assuming (maybe wrongly) that is not that old (since first relation). (i don't ask your age because i think you are childish or anything. I ask because yeah... if you are over your 30, a 5year relationship would be quite short and even i am 30 and i didn't have a relatioship that last the long for now). I agree he needs to make a choice of his own. Why would you trust the internet anyway ? I agree with you. Except that they don't owe each other nothing. Because it's a first relationship. There is still respect in line.
I am roughly your age. (We're a bunch of old farts hahaha.) I think that's why to us, 5 year isn't _that_ much.
We don't know how old OP is, but now that I think about it, he should be around 22 (assuming when he said graduating he was talking about college - equivalent to European university age, and not grad school or high school anything.) I guess 5 years is a big deal when you're only 22.
We put things into perspective as we get older. I mean, you can call it "respect" but OP should look at things holistically. I just felt that there was too much bias in some of the earlier posts.
|
Yeah, maybe my words are not chosen wisely because i'm not a native speaker. But i think that OP have enough information and opinions in those 2 pages.
And i'm not old !
|
I'd advice not giving a fuck about anyone's advice and just doing what you want to do. If it involves going back with her, go back with her. No one can tell you whether you're making a mistake or not, because no one actually knows what a mistake is in these matters.
|
So, a young and inexperienced girl made a mistake and sought comfort in an emotionally straining situation. I don´t see the big deal. Sure, the way you tell it, your friend was an asshole taking advantage of her. Of course it could just be the other way around, as far as I know, but I´ll take your description. In the end, you have to ask yourself what she is to you. Do you want a relationship with her? If yes, then go for it, if not, tell her so and be ready to break off contact for a while so everybody can sort themselves out.
I mean, she didn´t cheat on you, regrets her decisions, wants you back. People make mistakes, right?
|
Okay, here's the deal. You guys broke up once. Contrary to some TV sitcoms, people tend to break up for reasons, not just to move the plot forward.
As a result, even if they don't sleep with your best friend, it is a bad move to get together with someone you broke up with 90% of the time. If they broke up with you, the bad move goes up to 99%. If they broke up with you, didn't talk for months, then ran off and slept with someone close to you, then yeah, I'm guessing you aren't gonna have a super happy relationship afterwards.
The question about "should I give him/her as second chance" should always be a question of whether or not whatever was broken before got fixed. And people don't change terribly often. Once in a while, and it's clear to everyone when it happens, but don't count on it.
|
Personally, fuck no because it sounds like her reasoning is a pile of shit. Also your best friend is a massive dickhead. I would agree with what mahrgell wrote on the first page, but in this case it was your friend who you asked to not sleep with her, not her who you asked to not sleep with other people. So you didn't impose anything upon her, it was just your friend being a prick after promising you. I wouldn't blame her for that, just your friend. Still wouldn't take her back though because I don't expect it to work out.
|
You weren't together anymore. Unless you are sure she was aware that you told your buddy that you would be pissed if they'd have something (which it doesn't sound like from your OP) it's none of your business and there's nothing to forgive her for.
|
Regardless of the arguments, regardless of who's right, of what's right, it's pretty obvious that you miss something in that relationship, and that your desire to not be single anymore will make you talk yourself into letting her back with you. But don't imagine that it has to do with what's right or wrong.
|
I'd be pissed at both, but I feel like I would have no right to be angry with her. It's her business. The friend though, he broke the bro code. If a friend of mine had sex with my ex whom I was with for 7 years, it would piss me off greatly and I probably wouldn't forgive him, or at least not easily. But that's just me.
So do whatever the fuck you want, it's your business.
|
In my family we have an expression: "One chooses one's friends". Basically there are more fish in the sea and among those fish are:
friends who would never do these things
girls who would never do these things
Get some new ones and enjoy life without writing blogs like this one!
|
I may not be married but I'm engaged and we just found out not to long ago that my fiance is pregnant! Which is just amazing! But also makes me feel more qualified to talk about this. My first relationship lasted almost 2 years, we were in a similar situation in that, she cheated. All I can tell you is the part about her hating it, is bullshit. She maybr didnt love it, or him, but she did not hate what she was doing whatsoever. (Why do it?) Her tring to fill the void, is also bullshit. If your the void she could've tried to patch it up with you. I think she really didnt know what she wanted, shes young, dumb, and full of cum. Basically, she wanted something different. Now shes played the field and didnt like the cards she was dealth so suprise!!! You're the best she ever had in a relationship standpoint. She knows your a good guy and the best thing yet ...a safe choice! She wont get hurt(which someone probably did, maybe even your bestfriend) so she doesnt want that to happen again. My current relationship is the happiest I've ever been. We both had our relationships before and we are good people who dont want to hurt one another. This is key, she has already hurt you once, whats to stop her from doing it again. I say no one deserves another chance from the situation laid before me. You need to find someone whos on the same thinking-level as you. This girl still needs to bounce around, i dont think it will last this time. You have the power over her now and she wont like it. Because you can always say, "well you slept with him!" Theres not much she can say back to that. Which she'll figure out later because trust me, you will say it. If you're feeling insecure or untrusting you will, its the truth. But i dont think she deserves it. But you holding all the cards will get to her, she may not cheat but itll tear her up.
|
the people who are telling you to not give the girl a 2nd chance are not realizing what kind of depression she may have gone through because of the initial breakup. they don't know what it is like from a girl's perspective...even more so being this is the girl's first relationship. I can definitely understand why she felt like she needed to fill a void and sought the comfort of another person. I am not saying she is an angel or very smart, it was pretty shitty to sleep with your ex's bf. however, that friend stepped in immediately after the breakup and could have easily took advantage of her emotional distress and used it for his selfish desires. No one knows exactly what happened, we should not be so quick to judge her...
talk with the girl, just listen to what she has to say. don't rush into getting back with her, but let her know that you care for her. Become friends again and take it day by day. give her another chance. But if you do, please do not throw what she did in her face and guilt trip her. Be a man about it.
|
On December 28 2013 01:57 sikeTM wrote: I may not be married but I'm engaged and we just found out not to long ago that my fiance is pregnant! Which is just amazing! But also makes me feel more qualified to talk about this. My first relationship lasted almost 2 years, we were in a similar situation in that, she cheated. All I can tell you is the part about her hating it, is bullshit. She maybr didnt love it, or him, but she did not hate what she was doing whatsoever. (Why do it?) Her tring to fill the void, is also bullshit. If your the void she could've tried to patch it up with you. I think she really didnt know what she wanted, shes young, dumb, and full of cum. Basically, she wanted something different. Now shes played the field and didnt like the cards she was dealth so suprise!!! You're the best she ever had in a relationship standpoint. She knows your a good guy and the best thing yet ...a safe choice! She wont get hurt(which someone probably did, maybe even your bestfriend) so she doesnt want that to happen again. My current relationship is the happiest I've ever been. We both had our relationships before and we are good people who dont want to hurt one another. This is key, she has already hurt you once, whats to stop her from doing it again. I say no one deserves another chance from the situation laid before me. You need to find someone whos on the same thinking-level as you. This girl still needs to bounce around, i dont think it will last this time. You have the power over her now and she wont like it. Because you can always say, "well you slept with him!" Theres not much she can say back to that. Which she'll figure out later because trust me, you will say it. If you're feeling insecure or untrusting you will, its the truth. But i dont think she deserves it. But you holding all the cards will get to her, she may not cheat but itll tear her up. All very valid points...except this girl didn't cheat on OP.
|
So now we are getting guarantees about how people felt based on experience in other relationships? That's interesting. I'm seriously surprised you're getting so many directions on this matter, when in the end the choice is completely yours and the only wrong thing you could do is get yourself in a spot you don't want because of exterior pressure.
There's also a romanticizing of forgiveness that's going on here. You don't really choose to forgive people, you just do or you don't. You can tell yourself that you have, or that you should or shouldn't, but in the end, if you're still angry at her, you'll just feel it (and you probably already know it).
|
Honestly, I think you should forgive her, but don't think too much about getting back together. Like someone said earlier, there are reasons you two broke up, eve after a 5 year relationship. Keep those in mind. It likely won't be any easier now with new things troubling you. However, this doesn't mean you two can't be friends. I think we can sympathize with the girl's actions, so don't let that detract from your friendship. The dating thing, though, probably won't work out. Oh, and fuck your ex-friend. Tell him to go to hell.
|
On December 27 2013 17:55 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 17:52 Torte de Lini wrote:Is this something that I should forgive her for? no yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit. She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely. As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise. I realize that it is generally a social travesty. Very, very few people are okay with it. But considering the situation, is it more excusable? I mean, I feel like anyone trying to get over the end of a 5 year relationship will be making a lot of really poor choices. Like I said, I'm usually the most loyal of people, but even I don't know if I could refuse an ex's best friend if I thought that they would give me a temporary and/or even partial relief from the misery I was experiencing. Why are you asking others if what she did was ok? Only you know the answer to that question. Either way, it doesn't matter if what she did was "excusable" or not. What matters is whether you want her back and if you can trust her or not, and that's the things that you have to figure out. Letting her go, simply because "you're supposed to" is just stupid, and the same goes for "letting her back in", against your better judgment. You just have to figure out where your feelings are at, and where she's at, and pick the option that works for you. Noone expects you to be able to figure this out right now. Give it some time, and talk to her about everything. Personally, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't forgive her, even if we got back together, but I would be willing to forgive her eventually. Forgiveness takes time, and it's something that you have to earn.
|
yeah, let's try reverse friendzoning. Because that will be oh so much fun for her!
|
You don't love her or you wouldn' task yourself the question to be with her again.
So basically what is left is this : do you have enough sex in your life without her ? If yes, don't bother, if no, go with her.
|
She sounds like a piece of work. I'd say just fuck her as much as possible but don't get involved with her seriously. IE; break it off the moment you begin feeling anything at all for her.
|
I obviously love her, guys. You can interpret it that I don't love her otherwise I would be asking, or you can interpret it as I do love her and I'm wondering if it's just better for myself if I stay away.
Obviously, you guys are all removed from the situation and I understand that, but I still like hearing the opinion of others. I strongly believe that pretty much everyone you know knows something that you do not, so sometimes it's just nice hearing what someone else has to say.
To answer the question of "Why do it?" if she hated it, that's also fairly easy to answer. I hooked up with someone else at about the same time, although it was not her friend. I was not a big fan of the sex either, but I kept doing it. Why did I keep doing it? Because I thought it would be different if I kept trying, maybe. I thought if I kept having sex I would eventually feel like the sex was meaningful, and intimate and I would feel the same connection that I did with her. I ended up cutting it off shortly after as well. Obviously, it was stupid to think that and I realize that now.
She has never been one to lie to me in our relationship. She never did it once. The fact that she is coming to me feeling this way and saying the things she is saying is somewhat telling for me. However, the main issue that caused us to breakup before was her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless. That's a large reason that I'm very skeptical. She is an emotional being and sometimes she lets those emotions have too much control over her, and I worry that the things she is saying to try to get me back is another manifestation of that.
Sorry, I am kind of rambling..
|
^ It wouldn't be a good idea to get back together and not change what wasn't ok in the first place. So if you do decide to stay together, I'd make not going through certain issues like that again a priority.
|
On December 28 2013 04:36 vhapter wrote: ^ It wouldn't be a good idea to get back together and not change what wasn't ok in the first place. So if you do decide to stay together, I'd make not going through certain issues like that again a priority.
Oh yes, that goes without saying. If she can't demonstrate that the thing that caused us a problem before won't still be a problem, I cannot take her back.
|
1. You should immidiately drop this friend entirely. 2. You should think about what the relationship meant to you, how good she actually was to you, etc. 3. You should think about whether or not the relationship was equal and if you were to restart if it would be equal. 4. You should think about whether or not you would enjoy being with her or you would rather move on. 5. If you decide not to get back with her you chew her out hard core and make her feel awful about herself. If you decide to get back with her you should console her because she probably feels like shit. The reason for 5 is for catharsis. It sounds horrible, but if you end it off by not wanting that person, the move on is faster, if you get back together the love grows faster. It's awful, but it's effective. Also, remember, none of this has to do with her making choices, this is all you.
|
I think you should say yes. Everybody is going to end up breaking your trust in due time, the question you should be asking is: 'Can you forgive that person for breaking your trust?'. Since it seems like you can, go for it. I mean, you still like her.
Edit: oh, I'll get rid of that friend if I were you.
|
On December 28 2013 04:55 Steins;Gate wrote: I think you should say yes. Everybody is going to end up breaking your trust in due time, the question you should be asking is: 'Can you forgive that person for breaking your trust?'. Since it seems like you can, go for it. I mean, you still like her.
Edit: oh, I'll get rid of that friend if I were you.
It's interesting. I should give her another chance but I should get rid of my friend?
Out of curiosity, why the double standard? I mean, I agree, but why?
|
On December 28 2013 03:47 Xanbatou wrote: I obviously love her, guys. You can interpret it that I don't love her otherwise I would be asking, or you can interpret it as I do love her and I'm wondering if it's just better for myself if I stay away.
Obviously, you guys are all removed from the situation and I understand that, but I still like hearing the opinion of others. I strongly believe that pretty much everyone you know knows something that you do not, so sometimes it's just nice hearing what someone else has to say.
To answer the question of "Why do it?" if she hated it, that's also fairly easy to answer. I hooked up with someone else at about the same time, although it was not her friend. I was not a big fan of the sex either, but I kept doing it. Why did I keep doing it? Because I thought it would be different if I kept trying, maybe. I thought if I kept having sex I would eventually feel like the sex was meaningful, and intimate and I would feel the same connection that I did with her. I ended up cutting it off shortly after as well. Obviously, it was stupid to think that and I realize that now.
She has never been one to lie to me in our relationship. She never did it once. The fact that she is coming to me feeling this way and saying the things she is saying is somewhat telling for me. However, the main issue that caused us to breakup before was her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless. That's a large reason that I'm very skeptical. She is an emotional being and sometimes she lets those emotions have too much control over her, and I worry that the things she is saying to try to get me back is another manifestation of that.
Sorry, I am kind of rambling..
Sounds like our OP already made up his mind. Good luck on your second try.
|
Your friend wasn't going through an emotional turmoil.
|
On December 28 2013 04:59 Steins;Gate wrote: Your friend wasn't going through an emotional turmoil.
Yeah, that makes sense. I guess its more excusable if you are in an emotionally disturbed state..
On December 28 2013 04:58 c0ldfusion wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 03:47 Xanbatou wrote: I obviously love her, guys. You can interpret it that I don't love her otherwise I would be asking, or you can interpret it as I do love her and I'm wondering if it's just better for myself if I stay away.
Obviously, you guys are all removed from the situation and I understand that, but I still like hearing the opinion of others. I strongly believe that pretty much everyone you know knows something that you do not, so sometimes it's just nice hearing what someone else has to say.
To answer the question of "Why do it?" if she hated it, that's also fairly easy to answer. I hooked up with someone else at about the same time, although it was not her friend. I was not a big fan of the sex either, but I kept doing it. Why did I keep doing it? Because I thought it would be different if I kept trying, maybe. I thought if I kept having sex I would eventually feel like the sex was meaningful, and intimate and I would feel the same connection that I did with her. I ended up cutting it off shortly after as well. Obviously, it was stupid to think that and I realize that now.
She has never been one to lie to me in our relationship. She never did it once. The fact that she is coming to me feeling this way and saying the things she is saying is somewhat telling for me. However, the main issue that caused us to breakup before was her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless. That's a large reason that I'm very skeptical. She is an emotional being and sometimes she lets those emotions have too much control over her, and I worry that the things she is saying to try to get me back is another manifestation of that.
Sorry, I am kind of rambling.. Sounds like our OP already made up his mind. Good luck on your second try.
That's not strictly true. I'm very much on the fence. I still feel like I could potentially go either way at this point.
|
On December 28 2013 04:58 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 04:55 Steins;Gate wrote: I think you should say yes. Everybody is going to end up breaking your trust in due time, the question you should be asking is: 'Can you forgive that person for breaking your trust?'. Since it seems like you can, go for it. I mean, you still like her.
Edit: oh, I'll get rid of that friend if I were you. It's interesting. I should give her another chance but I should get rid of my friend? Out of curiosity, why the double standard? I mean, I agree, but why?
Dude are you serious? At the time when they were together, you were not with your ex. So technically she had no obligations towards you.
Your friend was, at the time, still your friend. He did have an obligation toward you and subsequently failed. There is no clearer breach of faith.
|
On December 28 2013 05:08 c0ldfusion wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 04:58 Xanbatou wrote:On December 28 2013 04:55 Steins;Gate wrote: I think you should say yes. Everybody is going to end up breaking your trust in due time, the question you should be asking is: 'Can you forgive that person for breaking your trust?'. Since it seems like you can, go for it. I mean, you still like her.
Edit: oh, I'll get rid of that friend if I were you. It's interesting. I should give her another chance but I should get rid of my friend? Out of curiosity, why the double standard? I mean, I agree, but why? Dude are you serious? At the time when they were together, you were not with your ex. So technically she had no obligations towards you. Your friend was, at the time, still your friend. He did have an obligation toward you and subsequently failed. There is no clearer breach of faith.
Yeah, that's true. You make a good point.
|
On December 28 2013 05:03 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 04:59 Steins;Gate wrote: Your friend wasn't going through an emotional turmoil. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess its more excusable if you are in an emotionally disturbed state.. Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 04:58 c0ldfusion wrote:On December 28 2013 03:47 Xanbatou wrote: I obviously love her, guys. You can interpret it that I don't love her otherwise I would be asking, or you can interpret it as I do love her and I'm wondering if it's just better for myself if I stay away.
Obviously, you guys are all removed from the situation and I understand that, but I still like hearing the opinion of others. I strongly believe that pretty much everyone you know knows something that you do not, so sometimes it's just nice hearing what someone else has to say.
To answer the question of "Why do it?" if she hated it, that's also fairly easy to answer. I hooked up with someone else at about the same time, although it was not her friend. I was not a big fan of the sex either, but I kept doing it. Why did I keep doing it? Because I thought it would be different if I kept trying, maybe. I thought if I kept having sex I would eventually feel like the sex was meaningful, and intimate and I would feel the same connection that I did with her. I ended up cutting it off shortly after as well. Obviously, it was stupid to think that and I realize that now.
She has never been one to lie to me in our relationship. She never did it once. The fact that she is coming to me feeling this way and saying the things she is saying is somewhat telling for me. However, the main issue that caused us to breakup before was her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless. That's a large reason that I'm very skeptical. She is an emotional being and sometimes she lets those emotions have too much control over her, and I worry that the things she is saying to try to get me back is another manifestation of that.
Sorry, I am kind of rambling.. Sounds like our OP already made up his mind. Good luck on your second try. That's not strictly true. I'm very much on the fence. I still feel like I could potentially go either way at this point.
Like you said before, you should try to frame your decision around what went wrong the first time and figure out if that can be amended. And try to do it independent of this... incident.
|
The only thing I have to say is; think hard about why you guys broke up in the first place. It's really easy for nostolgia to set in and for you to wonder why you guys even broke up in the first place, how good things were ect ect. If there was a big enough problem that you weren't willing to try and work it out after 5 years, well, just think hard about why that is.
edit: Speaking from some personal experience here, broke up from my first real relationship after ~2 years then we started hanging out again ~1 year later, nostolgia set in but thankfully I remembered in time that she was a great friend but we were a bad couple. Definitely don't regret that decision.
|
On December 28 2013 05:13 Pursuit_ wrote: The only thing I have to say is; think hard about why you guys broke up in the first place. It's really easy for nostolgia to set in and for you to wonder why you guys even broke up in the first place, how good things were ect ect. If there was a big enough problem that you weren't willing to try and work it out after 5 years, well, just think hard about why that is.
edit: Speaking from some personal experience here, broke up with amy first real relationship after ~2 years then we started hanging out again ~1 year later, nostolgia set in but thankfully I remembered in time that she was a great friend but we were a bad couple. Definitely don't regret that decision.
We were a pretty good couple. We were together for five years, firstly, and we never really had any serious arguments. We saw eye to eye on most things and when we did disagree, it was less of an argument and more of a discussion.
The main thing that caused the problem is that she is a bit impulsive and too driven by her emotions at times, which is essentially what caused us to break up. After 5 years, I got complacent/comfortable in the relationship and stopped doing some nice things that I should have. On top of that, we were temporarily long distance while she finished up her last year of school. However, I was spending about $800/mo in flights so we could see each other. I feel like getting a little complacent in your first 5 year relationship isn't that ridiculous, right? Anyways, rather than communicating to me how she was feeling, she just let it fester until it exploded and resulted in her making some poor decisions with a clouded mind.
The funny thing is, her impulsive side is part of what I love about her. I'm always far more calculated and organized so it is nice to have someone who can be a bit more spontaneous. But I don't think I can take her back unless I know she can reign it in and not let that side of her make completely careless and stupid decisions.
|
On December 27 2013 19:49 Talin wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote: She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever. On a serious note, this is so true. Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it. As much as this guy has no empathy, he's right to a certain extent. People can sleep with whoever they want, you can't control anyone except yourself and how you feel about things. That being said, this person isn't asking you to take it like a man, he's asking you to cut your testicles off, mail your left to your ex , and your right to your best buddy.
Dude your fucking best friend decided that he would risk his entire friendship with you fucking your ex. Ask yourself, would you have fucked his ex? I'm sure the answer is no or else you won't be posting this. Your ex of however long decided it was appropriate to fuck you best friend, do you think that's right? Are you just going to accept that?
Listen buddy, you enter life with nothing, and leave with nothing. People try so hard to hold on to relationships when the reality of the situation is that we never own them; the only thing you'll ever truly own is yourself and your feelings. No one will rally give a shit about you except maybe your family and two friends. My point is, don't ever , ever waste your fucking time on people who don't care about you. Man up and walk away from both your ex and your shitty friend.
|
On December 28 2013 05:47 lisward wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 19:49 Talin wrote:On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote: She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever. On a serious note, this is so true. Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it. As much as this guy has no empathy, he's right to a certain extent. People can sleep with whoever they want, you can't control anyone except yourself and how you feel about things. That being said, this person isn't asking you to take it like a man, he's asking you to cut your testicles off, mail your left to your ex , and your right to your best buddy. Dude your fucking best friend decided that he would risk his entire friendship with you fucking your ex. Ask yourself, would you have fucked his ex? I'm sure the answer is no or else you won't be posting this. Your ex of however long decided it was appropriate to fuck you best friend, do you think that's right? Are you just going to accept that? Listen buddy, you enter life with nothing, and leave with nothing. People try so hard to hold on to relationships when the reality of the situation is that we never own them; the only thing you'll ever truly own is yourself and your feelings. No one will rally give a shit about you except maybe your family and two friends. My point is, don't ever , ever waste your fucking time on people who don't care about you. Man up and walk away from both your ex and your shitty friend.
I agree that the behaviour of my friend was inexcusable. If I were in his position, I would never have disrespected my friend like that.
However, don't you think that she has a little bit more excuse in this? I mean, if you just got out of a 5 year relationship and someone offered you something that you thought would help fill the void that was left, even if only partially and temporarily, would you really be able to refuse, even if it was your ex's best friend? Someone who you were familiar with and comfortable with already? I am a pretty upstanding guy, but I don't know if I would actually be able to take the high road in that situation. I should note that at the time these events occurred, I was actually in a completely different state, permanently, so it's not like there was ever a risk that she would see me again.
|
|
For me personally, there is no excuse for both of them. I wouldn't even consider getting back together.
But it's your decision. Reading some comments, you've been quite active in defending her. I don't really care about that, but it suggests that you want to get back together. If you're still interested in her after what has happened, your choice is obvious. Keep in mind though, if things go bad in similar fashion in the future, it'll be a lesson learned the hard way.
|
On December 28 2013 06:27 Yorbon wrote: For me personally, there is no excuse for both of them. I wouldn't even consider getting back together.
But it's your decision. Reading some comments, you've been quite active in defending her. I don't really care about that, but it suggests that you want to get back together. If you're still interested in her after what has happened, your choice is obvious. Keep in mind though, if things go bad in similar fashion in the future, it'll be a lesson learned the hard way.
I defend her because I understand her. I know that she isn't some heartless bitch or something.
Sometimes I worry that perhaps I just need to get burned one more time before I am willing to completely close the door on her.
|
On December 28 2013 05:52 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 05:47 lisward wrote:On December 27 2013 19:49 Talin wrote:On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote: She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever. On a serious note, this is so true. Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it. As much as this guy has no empathy, he's right to a certain extent. People can sleep with whoever they want, you can't control anyone except yourself and how you feel about things. That being said, this person isn't asking you to take it like a man, he's asking you to cut your testicles off, mail your left to your ex , and your right to your best buddy. Dude your fucking best friend decided that he would risk his entire friendship with you fucking your ex. Ask yourself, would you have fucked his ex? I'm sure the answer is no or else you won't be posting this. Your ex of however long decided it was appropriate to fuck you best friend, do you think that's right? Are you just going to accept that? Listen buddy, you enter life with nothing, and leave with nothing. People try so hard to hold on to relationships when the reality of the situation is that we never own them; the only thing you'll ever truly own is yourself and your feelings. No one will rally give a shit about you except maybe your family and two friends. My point is, don't ever , ever waste your fucking time on people who don't care about you. Man up and walk away from both your ex and your shitty friend. I agree that the behaviour of my friend was inexcusable. If I were in his position, I would never have disrespected my friend like that. However, don't you think that she has a little bit more excuse in this? I mean, if you just got out of a 5 year relationship and someone offered you something that you thought would help fill the void that was left, even if only partially and temporarily, would you really be able to refuse, even if it was your ex's best friend? Someone who you were familiar with and comfortable with already? I am a pretty upstanding guy, but I don't know if I would actually be able to take the high road in that situation. I should note that at the time these events occurred, I was actually in a completely different state, permanently, so it's not like there was ever a risk that she would see me again.
Maybe, maybe and maybe.
Look man, her motivations, whatever she did in her own interest, is irrelevant. What matters is what she did to you, how you feel about it and what you are going to do about it. I mean you dated her for 5 fucking years bro. Love, in my opinion, isn't a feeling, it's a fucking commitment, it's about accepting the person for who he/she is and sticking with the person through thick and thin. A long term relationship works when it goes both ways.
Sure, maybe you slipped up after 5 years and stopped doing 'nice' things to keep things fresh, so she dumps you. Do you realize how dumb that sounds?
What do you expect to be different? That she will, 'change?' Maybe she will, for a while, but anyone who has gone though any sort of self improvement will tell you that changing yourself is a fucking hard process that takes time and will. Does she want to change for you? More importantly think of the things they she doesn't like in you that caused the breakup, will you, change?
Many people will tell you, myself included, that you can never expect people to change for you. If you read my blogs you'll see I went through some fucked up shit this whole year. I took me one whole fucking year to make some, I emphasize, some changes. It's stupid as hell to expect someone to change, because it's a hard and long process, and anyone who had changed their life or changes people's lifestyles for a living will tell you that, especially when a person doesn't see the need for the change. You asking her to change, for the relationship, and not for herself because she sees a problem, will never work.
Again, whatever happened in the past, what she may have done on impulse, why she did it, is irrelevant. It matters if you want to cry about things, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. The only thing you can take from this, the only thing you can control, is how you feel about it and what course of action you will do next. And ask yourself in whose interest the action you're about to take really serves.
|
On December 28 2013 06:44 lisward wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 05:52 Xanbatou wrote:On December 28 2013 05:47 lisward wrote:On December 27 2013 19:49 Talin wrote:On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote: She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship) Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever. On a serious note, this is so true. Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it. As much as this guy has no empathy, he's right to a certain extent. People can sleep with whoever they want, you can't control anyone except yourself and how you feel about things. That being said, this person isn't asking you to take it like a man, he's asking you to cut your testicles off, mail your left to your ex , and your right to your best buddy. Dude your fucking best friend decided that he would risk his entire friendship with you fucking your ex. Ask yourself, would you have fucked his ex? I'm sure the answer is no or else you won't be posting this. Your ex of however long decided it was appropriate to fuck you best friend, do you think that's right? Are you just going to accept that? Listen buddy, you enter life with nothing, and leave with nothing. People try so hard to hold on to relationships when the reality of the situation is that we never own them; the only thing you'll ever truly own is yourself and your feelings. No one will rally give a shit about you except maybe your family and two friends. My point is, don't ever , ever waste your fucking time on people who don't care about you. Man up and walk away from both your ex and your shitty friend. I agree that the behaviour of my friend was inexcusable. If I were in his position, I would never have disrespected my friend like that. However, don't you think that she has a little bit more excuse in this? I mean, if you just got out of a 5 year relationship and someone offered you something that you thought would help fill the void that was left, even if only partially and temporarily, would you really be able to refuse, even if it was your ex's best friend? Someone who you were familiar with and comfortable with already? I am a pretty upstanding guy, but I don't know if I would actually be able to take the high road in that situation. I should note that at the time these events occurred, I was actually in a completely different state, permanently, so it's not like there was ever a risk that she would see me again. Maybe, maybe and maybe. Look man, her motivations, whatever she did in her own interest, is irrelevant. What matters is what she did to you, how you feel about it and what you are going to do about it. I mean you dated her for 5 fucking years bro. Love, in my opinion, isn't a feeling, it's a fucking commitment, it's about accepting the person for who he/she is and sticking with the person through thick and thin. A long term relationship works when it goes both ways. Sure, maybe you slipped up after 5 years and stopped doing 'nice' things to keep things fresh, so she dumps you. Do you realize how dumb that sounds? What do you expect to be different? That she will, 'change?' Maybe she will, for a while, but anyone who has gone though any sort of self improvement will tell you that changing yourself is a fucking hard process that takes time and will. Does she want to change for you? More importantly think of the things they she doesn't like in you that caused the breakup, will you, change? Many people will tell you, myself included, that you can never expect people to change for you. If you read my blogs you'll see I went through some fucked up shit this whole year. I took me one whole fucking year to make some, I emphasize, some changes. It's stupid as hell to expect someone to change, because it's a hard and long process, and anyone who had changed their life or changes people's lifestyles for a living will tell you that, especially when a person doesn't see the need for the change. You asking her to change, for the relationship, and not for herself because she sees a problem, will never work. Again, whatever happened in the past, what she may have done on impulse, why she did it, is irrelevant. It matters if you want to cry about things, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. The only thing you can take from this, the only thing you can control, is how you feel about it and what course of action you will do next. And ask yourself in whose interest the action you're about to take really serves.
Yes, you are right. That's why I'm still reluctant to take her back and won't unless there is some reason I have to believe things will be different. As for what I need to change, I don't think it will be that big of a deal. My problem was getting complacent after a long time. It's not a fundamental attribute of my character, it's just something I need to be aware of when I am in longer relationships.
On the other hand, being impulsive is in her very nature. That's why she was willing to end a 5 year relationship over something that you really should not end a 5 year relationship over. In my opinion, that's something that you communicate with your significant other about to get over and not just ditch the relationship, because you are right: Love is not a feeling and it is a commitment.
|
+ Show Spoiler +On December 27 2013 18:20 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 18:16 FFW_Rude wrote:To answer your question with my opinions : Is this something that I should forgive her for?
Fuck no I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend. She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one). so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ? And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but... She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course). What i can tell you is this : - You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later. - You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend). She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p). Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more. She didn't think it would upset me. We hadn't spoken in months so she thought I had moved on, just as I thought she had moved on.
And yes, I'm sure she is telling the truth in everything she has told me. If she was lying to me, this would be the first time in 5 years.
dude, stop kidding yourself. half the population of the planet has a vagina. she ruined your life once. are you ready to deal with that again??
Just take it as a lesson so it never happens to you again. If youre buddies arent honoring bros before hoes, they arent worth much honestly.
|
On December 28 2013 07:19 Kevin_Sorbo wrote:+ Show Spoiler +On December 27 2013 18:20 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 18:16 FFW_Rude wrote:To answer your question with my opinions : Is this something that I should forgive her for?
Fuck no I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend. She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one). so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ? And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but... She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course). What i can tell you is this : - You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later. - You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend). She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p). Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more. She didn't think it would upset me. We hadn't spoken in months so she thought I had moved on, just as I thought she had moved on. And yes, I'm sure she is telling the truth in everything she has told me. If she was lying to me, this would be the first time in 5 years. dude, stop kidding yourself. half the population of the planet has a vagina. she ruined your life once. are you ready to deal with that again?? Just take it as a lesson so it never happens to you again. If youre buddies arent honoring bros before hoes, they arent worth much honestly.
rofl. Ruined his life? Ffs she didn't cheat on him and xano dated and fucked another girl as well. No one's life was ruined. Only a child would see what she did as unforgivable. Relationships do weird things to people and people make mistakes. But for what I can see, she never meant harm to OP and was clearly struggling (still is).
But like everyone here says...that friend is not your best friend. think carefully from now on who is true friend to you.
|
reddit.com/askmen
reddit.com/askwomen
Go ahead and explain your story and ask the same questions to both forums. Most people will just tell you to move on and get over it. You get over it by filling your life with other things that don't allow you to think about the past. Ignore her calls/texts etc.
|
If you truly believe that they only slept together several months after your relationship, and he wasn't a behind-the-scenes cause of your relationship ending, and that she didn't cheat on you with him, then it might be excusable.
Having said all that, I've been apart of three separate affairs while I was single. No matter what someone tells you, there is always something they're leaving out, or not explaining completely.
I'd be very careful and cautious should you let her back into your life. Take things extremely slow, and be sure of what you really want out of a relationship, and if she is someone that you can live with.
|
The only condition is if she will agree to anal, then you can tell your ex-BF you hit that, then dump em both!
|
On December 28 2013 11:07 Burrfoot wrote: The only condition is if she will agree to anal, then you can tell your ex-BF you hit that, then dump em both!
That's pretty pathetic. To this day, I don't understand why guys are so obsessed with getting a girl to do anal.
|
No, pathetic is dating a girl for 5 years and letting your best friend hit it.
|
Didn't you mean ex sleeping with my EX best friend?
|
she hated every time she had sex with him yet she had sex with him multiple times?
fuck him and fuck her too bro, you can do better than that. no matter how attracted i was to my best friends ex i'd never sleep with her. also i'd never sleep with an ex's best friend or any other one of her girlfriend's for that matter.
|
On December 28 2013 12:12 -stOpSKY- wrote: she hated every time she had sex with him yet she had sex with him multiple times?
fuck him and fuck her too bro, you can do better than that. no matter how attracted i was to my best friends ex i'd never sleep with her. also i'd never sleep with an ex's best friend or any other one of her girlfriend's for that matter.
I explained that before. I had sex with someone multiple times even though I didn't particularly enjoy because I thought it might change and get better/more meaningful. Obviously, that doesn't happen.
Yes, my friend is a dick. But I think my ex can be excused because she was in pretty severe emotional turmoil. I mean, I might have actually done the same thing as her if the opportunity was available, given that I also was in a pretty bad place emotionally. Can you really say you wouldn't do the same thing after the end of a 5 year relationship?
|
Did you ever tell her that you don't want her to sleep with your buddy and/or did she know that you told him you don't want him to sleep with her?
|
On December 28 2013 12:20 r.Evo wrote: Did you ever tell her that you don't want her to sleep with your buddy and/or did she know that you told him you don't want him to sleep with her?
I never explicitly told her that I didn't want her to. That's sort of in bad taste anyways, isn't it? If you just say, hey don't sleep with this guy. She did say that if I had done that, she would not have slept with him.
Also, I don't exactly know whether or not she knows that I told my friend it would upset me. Even if she did, I don't know that it would matter. Her sleeping with anyone would technically bother me, but it's not like she's supposed to not sleep with anyone, right? It may bother me, but that's my problem and not hers, because it's her right to do so since we were not together and no longer had obligations to each other.
However, my friend was still my friend, so he did have obligations to me.
|
On December 28 2013 12:23 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2013 12:20 r.Evo wrote: Did you ever tell her that you don't want her to sleep with your buddy and/or did she know that you told him you don't want him to sleep with her? I never explicitly told her that I didn't want her to. That's sort of in bad taste anyways, isn't it? If you just say, hey don't sleep with this guy. She did say that if I had done that, she would not have slept with him. Also, I don't exactly know whether or not she knows that I told my friend it would upset me. Then what exactly is your problem?
She is in a relationship. Relationship breaks up. She sleeps with someone else.
What the hell do you need to "forgive her" for?
|
what's wrong with your friend sleeping with your ex gf?
|
On December 28 2013 19:27 Cubu wrote: what's wrong with your friend sleeping with your ex gf?
nothing, but ppl like to pretend, that once you were in a relationship, you have the right to decide over your ex significant others life for the rest of her life as well... That she now comes back spices up the story for a bit, but still... She was solo, didn't even know he would not like it is and somehow was expected to ask for his allowance and now for his forgiveness?
And about going back together. While i said earlier that i would clearly say no, from your posts i get the feeling, that deep inside you want it as well. So while it may not be rational to outsiders... follow your heart. If it doesn't work out, it will be over quick, so you won't have lost much time. But afterwards you will know for sure what the right way is. If you don't try it, you will always ask yourself what if. And you two made it out with each other for 5 years. So can't be all that bad. And try to ignore, what happened in your "spare time". Everyone was on himself and everyone did, what (s)he thought to cover the sadness best. Sounded like you did pretty much the same thing as her. (look for some quick replacement, notice that sex does not replace a longterm relationship) Whoever you chose for that doesnt matter much
|
Guys, guys, guys, he's not really asking about forgiveness. We discussed this in the thread a while ago. He's asking if he should get back together with the girl. I think we mostly agree that there's nothing really to forgive for the girl?
Now, you said earlier that you two broke up because of "her not being able to understand and communicate her emotions effectively before doing something stupid and careless." Isn't that exactly what she did? She didn't realize what she wanted. She didn't communicate to you about her feelings. She was impulsive, and fucked your best friend (somewhat careless). Based on that story, do you really think she's changed? I wouldn't.
|
Important tip for the OP: if you do end up getting together with her (which you should if you both still love each other), never take her for granted. People in relationships like to feel loved, and be shown that they are loved. Every couple I know that has been married for over twenty years still puts in a lot of effort to show their significant others how much they love them.
Also, your friend does not have obligations to you because he's a friend. Friendship is not an unwritten contract that states what friends can and cannot do. Friendship is a bond that is formed when two people gravitate towards each other because they have common interests or have been through something together. Real friends are the kind of friends that understand that people can and will make mistakes, but won't think any less of them because of it.
It's really time people stopped taking that "bro code" bullshit so serious. I don't even know why anyone would take it serious in the first place: all HIMYM does is show exactly how ridiculous a thing like that is.
|
i think it would take a high maturity level to forgive her, much less your best friend but i think it'd be really hard to be that mature--don't fake it if you can't is what i'm saying; it's more important to be authentic to who you are and what you can handle.
|
On December 29 2013 04:47 maartendq wrote: Important tip for the OP: if you do end up getting together with her (which you should if you both still love each other), never take her for granted. People in relationships like to feel loved, and be shown that they are loved. Every couple I know that has been married for over twenty years still puts in a lot of effort to show their significant others how much they love them.
Also, your friend does not have obligations to you because he's a friend. Friendship is not an unwritten contract that states what friends can and cannot do. Friendship is a bond that is formed when two people gravitate towards each other because they have common interests or have been through something together. Real friends are the kind of friends that understand that people can and will make mistakes, but won't think any less of them because of it.
It's really time people stopped taking that "bro code" bullshit so serious. I don't even know why anyone would take it serious in the first place: all HIMYM does is show exactly how ridiculous a thing like that is.
You are right. As my first relationship however, it's very easy to slide into complacency, although it's not really excuse. However, the appropriate response from the other person isn't to just completely trash the relationship. The correct response is to communicate that the other person feels like they are being taken for granted and that complacency has set in.
However, I disagree with you about my friend. Real friends watch out for each other and have each other's best interests in mind. People aren't just friends because they share a few common activities. People are friends because beyond that shallow connection, they actually care about the well-being of the other person. I made it very clear to him how I felt about it and he completely disregarded anything that I said and went behind my back. Dunno about you, but to me, that's the mark of a shitty friend.
|
if you're gonna ditch one, ditch them both, and you should do just that. your ex clearly isn't ready for a relationship if she's sleeping around to fill some void. though it doesn't even matter what's right or wrong, or what anyone else says, if you can be happy knowing your ex slept with him, go for it(and the same deal with the friend). just know that if someone does something once, there's a good chance they'll do it again.
|
On December 29 2013 04:55 IamaGrapeMan wrote: i think it would take a high maturity level to forgive her, much less your best friend but i think it'd be really hard to be that mature--don't fake it if you can't is what i'm saying; it's more important to be authentic to who you are and what you can handle.
I dont see it as maturity, being mature doesnt mean you forgive people for their transgressions, maybe magnanimity? But still you'd have to be pretty damn tolerant to let that go
|
On December 27 2013 18:28 FFW_Rude wrote:Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but : Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ? I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her.5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one. Maybe i'm being too categoric Show nested quote + I misspoke. Obviously, I forgive both of them. I guess what I was really asking was, should I be willing to take her back given that this happened?
I don't think you forgave if you ask the question The bolded part is mostly what I'm getting from the OP's posts as well.
OP, no amount of advice from any third party is going to help you in this scenario. You ask 100 different people what they would do or what they did do if they were in your place and you would surely get an extremely wide range of results. For what it's worth, which is not much in my opinion, I wouldn't get back together with her because if she could break up with you once because she felt the spark wasn't there anymore or that you got complacent because you weren't doing nice things for her (which, by the way, should be something you do willingly and not something you do because you have to), she could do it again easily for another reason, even one that may be completely illogical.
Ultimately you have to decide what you want to do, regardless of whatever anyone else in this thread says; despite what you say you keep defending her, which is understandable since no one else in this thread knows her, but it also makes me feel like you are leaning more towards getting back with her rather than not. Either way, good luck to you OP.
|
On December 29 2013 13:14 Kingsky wrote:Show nested quote +On December 29 2013 04:55 IamaGrapeMan wrote: i think it would take a high maturity level to forgive her, much less your best friend but i think it'd be really hard to be that mature--don't fake it if you can't is what i'm saying; it's more important to be authentic to who you are and what you can handle. I dont see it as maturity, being mature doesnt mean you forgive people for their transgressions, maybe magnanimity? But still you'd have to be pretty damn tolerant to let that go
so you think magnanimity isn't a kind of maturity? i'd disagree about that. but anyway, what would you be accomplishing by not forgiving someone? would you really rather hold a grudge and allow it to embitter you? it's not like by forgiving someone it means you need to hang out with them or even trust them anymore, you don't have to be naive about it. on the other hand, people also make mistakes, even really,really stupid ones. i think it does take a level a maturity to be able to recognize that and genuinely not hold a grudge, or better yet not take it personally. as for the question of getting back with someone, if this is a girl you've only been seeing for a year or so then probably it's not worth it to get back to together. but if you share a long history with her i'd be more comfortable keeping my distance about offering a contrary opinion, since i think things aren't always so simple. most of the time it's probably a bad idea to get back together though i think, but i think there are definitely exceptions.
|
you seem kinda desperate, so i would say yes
|
On December 30 2013 10:54 IamaGrapeMan wrote: but anyway, what would you be accomplishing by not forgiving someone? would you really rather hold a grudge and allow it to embitter you? it's not like by forgiving someone it means you need to hang out with them or even trust them anymore, you don't have to be naive about it. on the other hand, people also make mistakes, even really,really stupid ones. i think it does take a level a maturity to be able to recognize that and genuinely not hold a grudge, or better yet not take it personally.
you can not forgive someone and at the same time not give a shit because that person isnt a part of your life anymore. that's a totally healthy reaction to something like this. also, fucking someone several times is most certainly not a mistake.
granted, who your ex fucks after you split isn't your business. but it is pretty interesting to see the op hate his friend for doing something that he knows would piss him off, but gives his ex a pass even though she surely knew that boinking her ex's best friend would irk him a tad. mutual acquaintences, whatever. but going after your ex's best friend is shittyyyy
|
|
|
|