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Hey TL..
So I have a question. My ex and I dated for 5 years, and then we ended up breaking up. I don't know the exact details, but I found out that she started sleeping with my best friend a few months after the break up. I made it very clear to my best friend that it would upset me if he did that, but he did it anyways, so he's a bad friend and fuck him. However, when my ex got in contact with me, she said that she wants to get back together and try to fix things.
Is this something that I should forgive her for? I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault? She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely. She said that she was attracted to him and ever since graduating, there were very few other people to hang out with, so they would hang out a lot one on one. She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand. I also happened to be her first relationship, and her mine), so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off. She said after reflecting that a huge reason she was doing it was because she felt lonely and depressed and miserable that we were apart and she realized after calling it off that she still loved me and had really strong feelings for me.
I feel like my friend's behaviour is totally inexcusable because he was an outsider in all this and didn't have his judgement clouded by a ton of different emotions and was emotionally stable. However, I was in the same boat that my ex described. I was also miserable and lonely and depressed and I just felt like I had a void in me. When I think about it, I just don't know if I can honestly say that I would have declined sleeping with my ex's best friend if the opportunity was there, even if I know that objectively it would have been a bad thing to do.
TL, what do you think about this? I just need to get some other people's thoughts on it...people that aren't necessarily biased towards me.
 
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Is this something that I should forgive her for?
no
yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit.
She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely.
As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise.
All in all, you need to consider going back to her only if you feel like there is something there. As you can tell, if you're going back to her to fill the void left after the break-up, you'll find that it will be rather superficial. In my opinion, prioritize what you want out of the relationship and then make a decision.
In my honest opinion, I would not let her back in.
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On December 27 2013 17:52 Torte de Lini wrote:no yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit. As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise.
I realize that it is generally a social travesty. Very, very few people are okay with it. But considering the situation, is it more excusable? I mean, I feel like anyone trying to get over the end of a 5 year relationship will be making a lot of really poor choices. Like I said, I'm usually the most loyal of people, but even I don't know if I could refuse an ex's best friend if I thought that they would give me a temporary and/or even partial relief from the misery I was experiencing.
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Avoid getting back together with her like the plague. If the roles were reversed and she were the one getting advice from others, she'd be told to do the same thing.
Generally, if someone "needs" a relationship he/she is not ready for one. A relationship takes 2 people...1 person plus another person, not 1 person and another who needs someone to be 1.
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On December 27 2013 17:55 Xanbatou wrote:Show nested quote +On December 27 2013 17:52 Torte de Lini wrote:Is this something that I should forgive her for? no yes, she is equally at fault because she is aware that you guys are friends. It's a pretty big social travesty to pull that shit. She told me that she was just really depressed and broken and lonely. As now she's back where she was before. Surprise, surprise. I realize that it is generally a social travesty. Very, very few people are okay with it. But considering the situation, is it more excusable? I mean, I feel like anyone trying to get over the end of a 5 year relationship will be making a lot of really poor choices. Like I said, I'm usually the most loyal of people, but even I don't know if I could refuse an ex's best friend if I thought that they would give me a temporary and/or even partial relief from the misery I was experiencing.
The only situation is the one she created and fell into and is now looking for understanding because she realized her mistake.
Even people in longer relationships don't do these sorts of things because it doesn't make sense (believe me). She laid it out herself; she was lonely and miserable, didn't go out and meet other people, slept with whoever was around.
She didn't want to get out of her rut, she just wanted to fill it up with the nearest person, regardless of your relationship with that person.
It's easy to live in the: "what if", but you're not in that situation. You need to consider it as it is, not as something comparable.
If considering getting back with her, think about my question above. What do you want out of the relationship, what are your priorities and can she fulfill it? If you're just looking to get comfortable again; you'll find the future is not so scary.
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To answer your question with my opinions :
Is this something that I should forgive her for?
Fuck no
I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend.
She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one).
so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ?
And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first 
I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but...
She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course).
What i can tell you is this :
- You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later.
- You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend).
She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p).
Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more.
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Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
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On December 27 2013 18:18 reki- wrote:
Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
yes he's right, only one gender has the license to sleep with anyone...
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On December 27 2013 18:16 FFW_Rude wrote:To answer your question with my opinions : Fuck no Show nested quote +
I know that my friend was a gigantic fucking asshole because he knew it would upset me and did it anyways, but is she equally at fault?
Yes she is. She knew as much as your friend. Show nested quote +
She said she hated it every time she had sex with him, because it felt so empty (She had only slept with me before hand
Liar liar pants on fire... If she hated it why did she ? It's the most fucking retarted sentence i ever read ... and hear (yeah i got this one). Show nested quote +
so they only slept together for a little bit before she called everything off
Did she ? Are you sure of that ? Did she really break with him ? Or the contrary and so now she's lonely because he threw her out so she come back to what she know because she doesn't want to be single ? And to write more on that. It's your first relation. It's her first. You are both terrible at it and don't know how to manage being single (and that is NOT a critic). We ALL did that, and we all was terrible at it at first I had been in a similar situation a while ago (10years ago) so maybe it's a little clouded and maybe don't apply to you and your ex but... She went out to see if it was greener in the other side. She only had you as an experience, and she wanted others. That's normal (it sucks but it is) and when it didn't work out, as she don't want to be single, she try to come back and go to something she know, it's a safety bit for her (and for you of course). What i can tell you is this : - You can try to go ahead and ok, it's possible that you make a mistake and it works out horribly. But it's a lesson that you will learn in your life sooner or later. - You try to man up and don't go into easiness (as it's easy because you don't have to find somebody else (and i'm sure you don't want to in an extend). She is not the only girl you can have you know ? I don't know what age are you, but when i was young, i got a beautifull girl, and i thought i would not have another one that beautifull in my life, so i forgave and forgave. That didn't end well and in the end i was wrong. I had more beautifull girl. (Turned out i was not as ugly as i thought :p). Sorry if it's not too understandable as it's difficult for a non english speaker to voice on opinion. But it's basicly the same thing that Torte de lini said. Was just trying to explicit it a bit more.
She didn't think it would upset me. We hadn't spoken in months so she thought I had moved on, just as I thought she had moved on.
And yes, I'm sure she is telling the truth in everything she has told me. If she was lying to me, this would be the first time in 5 years.
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I am going to say the exact opposite of Torte de Lini.
she said that she wants to get back together and try to fix things.
Nope. Don't go there. She obviously has very strong feelings for you and you obviously have very strong feelings for her. That's ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her you will always love her in some way. But I think it would do you both a world of good to agree to just be friends. Or, failing that, split up amicably. You are each others first relationship and eachothers world for 5 years. Of course that hurts like hell being ripped apart. But consider this, it didn't work out between you before and now there is all this extra baggage and issues between you. It would have even less chance of working out now than it did before.
Is this something that I should forgive her for?
In your own time, When you find a way to do so, you should definitely forgive both of them. Holding onto that grudge will only let it sit in your heart festering indefinitely. Maybe it will take you a month, maybe a year. Eventually you need to just let it go.
People fuck up, have weaknesses, etc. You said yourself you could very well have fallen for the same thing if the situation were reversed. Learning to forgive and look back and smile at the good times and learn from the bad ones is the only way you'll move past it.
Source: In my first relationship (about half a year long) she slept with my best friend the night after we broke up. As well as a few other times. He wanted it to be more but for her it was just a meaningless fling to take the pain off, so she had to break it off with him. She wanted to keep it a secret because she knew it would hurt and she didn't want to hurt me but I found out anyway. That was at least some small comfort that she never wanted to hurt me.
Now days we're both happily married to other people and she constantly posts pics of her kid to facebook, so good for us.
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On December 27 2013 18:18 reki- wrote:
Consider the following fact, girls can pretty much choose anyone to sleep with so why did she end up with your friend?
That's pretty easy to answer. She did it because it was safe and because it was familiar. She had never slept with anyone else besides me. I know I would rather sleep with someone familiar, someone I knew cared at some level, rather than hook up with someone random who may or may not leave the morning after and who I would never see again.
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On December 27 2013 18:21 turtles wrote:I am going to say the exact opposite of Torte de Lini. Nope. Don't go there. She obviously has very strong feelings for you and you obviously have very strong feelings for her. That's ok. Tell her you love her. Tell her you will always love her in some way. But I think it would do you both a world of good to agree to just be friends. Or, failing that, split up amicably. You are each others first relationship and eachothers world for 5 years. Of course that hurts like hell being ripped apart. But consider this, it didn't work out between you before and now there is all this extra baggage and issues between you. It would have even less chance of working out now than it did before. In your own time, When you find a way to do so, you should definitely forgive both of them. Holding onto that grudge will only let it sit in your heart festering indefinitely. Maybe it will take you a month, maybe a year. Eventually you need to just let it go. People fuck up, have weaknesses, etc. You said yourself you could very well have fallen for the same thing if the situation were reversed. Learning to forgive and look back and smile at the good times and learn from the bad ones is the only way you'll move past it. Source: In my first relationship (about half a year long) she slept with my best friend the night after we broke up. As well as a few other times. He wanted it to be more but for her it was just a meaningless fling to take the pain off, so she had to break it off with him. She wanted to keep it a secret because she knew it would hurt and she didn't want to hurt me but I found out anyway. That was at least some small comfort that she never wanted to hurt me. Now days we're both happily married to other people and she constantly posts pics of her kid to facebook, so good for us.
With regards to your first paragraph:
Do you really think it's true that it would have less chance of working out? I mean, I'm obviously not going to take her back just because she wants me to. I'm better than that. I would only take her back if she can also demonstrate that the very issues that caused our relationship to end previously will not be a problem anymore. The issues causing the breakup were mainly her own which was not communicating how she felt about things until they just festered and blew up.
With regards to your second paragraph:
I misspoke. Obviously, I forgive both of them. I guess what I was really asking was, should I be willing to take her back given that this happened?
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Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but :
She didn't think it would upset me.
Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ?
I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her.
5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one.
Maybe i'm being too categoric
I misspoke. Obviously, I forgive both of them. I guess what I was really asking was, should I be willing to take her back given that this happened?
I don't think you forgave if you ask the question
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My advice is simple (kind of); forgive them both but under no circumstance start dating her again. It will always be on your mind and every time you sleep together it will be on your mind. Also it will always come up during a big fight and you never will be able to trust her again and what is a relationship without trust. I have been in a very similar situation. Forgive them and move on, it will be hard but in the long run it will safe you lots of heartache. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but this is what I have learned out of personal experience. This is only my point of view and what you decide is ultimately up to you.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
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On December 27 2013 18:28 FFW_Rude wrote:Well i'm sorry because this is going to sound harsh but : Well... This is kind of. Stupid. Why wouldn't it upset you ? I'm sorry but it feel like you makes excuses for her. 5Years of relation and she thiought you moved on after a few month. You never move on from a 5years relation (to a certain extent) especially the first one. Maybe i'm being too categoric
No, you're pretty spot on.
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Bearded Elder29904 Posts
How can You call that guy Your friend?
Get rid of both ex g/f and Your friend.
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Obviously yes.
Do you really want to leave a person crushed, depressed and lonely and make them even more crushed, depressed and lonely? Are you even human?
Ask yourself if your life was a TV show*, what would have happened? It may take a season or two but obviously you get back together.
+ Show Spoiler +*may be referring to some pretty shitty TV shows
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I don't think i could forgive any of them. Good luck with your decision and think about yourself in the long term.
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She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship)
Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever.
But even though I think there is nothing to blame on her, i would NOT at all consider her proposal or however you may call it. It smells trouble and such emotionally unstable and onesided relationships because one person needs the other one will never work and won't do either of you good. It will be hard for her if you say no, and probably even hard for you... but in the end it is better for both then dragging this drama on.
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On December 27 2013 19:12 mahrgell wrote:
She slept with your friend after your relationship ended... several months afterwards... (not like he broke your relationship)
Why the hell would they not be allowed to do that? You break up, they are free to do whatever they want with each other, pretty simple story. Of course, if you don't want to see her for some time, it would be nice for them to respect that and not show up to every arty you go. But still... in their sparetime... lol. But people tend to think they own whoever they slept with... forever.
On a serious note, this is so true.
Just because it hurt your feelings doesn't mean she did anything wrong. She has no obligation to consider your feelings after you've just broken up with her, she has plenty of her own to worry about. If she wants to have sex with your best friend or your sister, you should be a man and accept it.
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EPT
