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It's been a long time since I posted a blog on here. In some ways, I'm better than before. In some ways, I'm worse. Not that it really matters for the confines of this post.
I began listening to the Katawa Shoujo soundtrack again, and it got me in the mood to play it. For those of you who don't know what Katawa Shoujo is: + Show Spoiler +It's a Visual Novel, a sort of choose your own adventure story. The story, a romance/slice of life style about a high school guy dealing with his new-found heart defect and interacting with the people at his new school, gives you choices for your actions at certain points. Depending on how you act, you begin a relationship with one of the girls, and then your actions from that point on decide the outcome of the relationship into a good, neutral, or bad ending.
Firstly, about the stigma associated with VNs in general, and KS specifically. I know that not everyone loved the game, but for me it was one of the best experiences I've ever had. It pulled me out of one of my worst depressive episodes, it got me running to get back in shape, it made me feel emotions that I'd locked out for years. And yet, because of the genre that it is and the way it is presented, there will likely never be more than maybe ten thousand people (estimating, being free and all it's more or less impossible to know actual numbers) who will experience it and know why I feel the way I do about it. It's not just unfair, it's not just sad, it's a goddamned tragedy in my eyes. While the world eats up shitty reality television and crappy, cut and paste Hollywood "films" (and I use the term loosely when it comes to some of the things that come out of current studios), something as heartfelt and lovingly done as KS will always be nothing more than an internet fad that will be forgotten about in a few years. And that is a travesty that upsets me more than it really should. Despite its flaws (obviously amateur writers, some cliched moments), it remains one of my favorite, if not my #1 favorite, stories of love and becoming a better person.
Secondly, replaying it has me thinking about my actual life as it relates to the story. In KS, Hisao begins as a sullen, world weary person (as all high school boys are prone to be), but through his interactions with the people in the story, he grows, changes, and connects in ways that make him better and helps make the people he's with better as well. Especially in a route like Rin's, where you have two individuals who feel (and in some ways, are) broken, but - through conflict, heartache, and comfort - manage to find happiness. + Show Spoiler +At least in the good ending, the bad/neutral endings... /shudder
I know it's a story. I know it's written to play out a certain way, and that real life doesn't play out in the confines of a story, and that I shouldn't dwell on it too much. But... I can't help it. Why isn't real life like the stories I love to read and watch? Why can't my decisions and actions lead me to they type of ending that I'm trying so hard for? Why does it feel like there isn't any kind of escape or progression from the way life is?
Yes, I realize how pitiful this sounds. On my good days, or when I'm good at hiding it, I even make fun of "emo" posts like this, laughing at people who have so much but still complain about how unfair life is. And yet, I can't help but feel this way. Happiness has always been more of an ideal and a dream than a goal. I've always felt that, no matter how much I try, the universe is conspiring to take a dump on me and throw my hard work back in my face. And reading this story just seems to make it worse, seeing something these different arcs, different storylines that I would give anything to experience in person. I would change my whole life, give away all my possessions, to have something in the real world that makes me half as happy as I was when first playing the game.
In a VN, it's so easy to just say the right thing, or even say the wrong thing and make up for it. You act in a certain way, and you are rewarded with an ending that is in line with how you compose yourself and interact with others. But in the real world, what? Acting nice, acting aloof, getting attached, acting polite and proper - none of it seems to matter. The universe just keeps working out the way it does, and my life almost feels like it's set on a path that I can't really exert any sort of control over. And instead, I find comfort and happiness in games where there are only so many options and paths, but I feel like I have more control of those outcomes than I do over my own destiny.
It doesn't really seem fair, does it?
  
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First of all, the universe does not give a flying fuck about anything you do. During your whole lifespan, the Milky Way will spin so little, the motion cannot be seen at all. It's like someone farts in Australia, and you don't get to smell it here in Europe. The universe is not fair, bro. Fairness does not exist for the universe. Nothing out there cares about you, or me or anybody else. The day there starts to exist an overarching fairness, we should all be worried as fuck.
You are what you make of yourself, you alone, nobody else. You are responsible.
You do not progress by wishing, hoping, desiring.
You make progress by doing, moving forward, setting and reaching goals, making things happen.
Anything else is just excuses, words for the soul that is too afraid to admit being numb, too weak.
If you're unhappy, do something about it.
Edit: Failure is the precious gift that allows you to make it better next time.
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He only finds happiness in that relatively easy environment. Most people have times like that in their lives, in the golden parts of their relationships. Who knows what happens to Hisao when he has to work and face responsibilities? 
Seriously though, it's a nice experience to play despite it's flaws. Some beautiful moments. If anything it made me realise visual novels are a potentially great art form - you can say a lot with a few pictures, the right music, and a half page of text. Similar to the feeling from JRPG's, where despite your limited choices you can feel incredibly immersed.
I dispute that it was easy to always say the right thing. There were a few times when some character was being ridiculously clingy/over sensitive, where it would have been much better to brush them off and not indulge them, but the game only rewards you for pandering...
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If we're talking about life lessons that can be learned from fiction, I played Stick RPG 1 and 2 a couple weekends ago. It's a game like sims where you get an avatar and you work on making them better: smarter, stronger, richer. I dedicated my character to getting smart by going to school and got a girlfriend and a job at XCode making $45 every few hours. I liked the game. Then I felt like an idiot for not being able to do most of that in real life.
It showed me that the road to success(or what I'd like to achieve) was rather simple once you took out all the weird distractions like friends, eating, and pooping, rent (you live in a basement until you can afford an apartment), loans, sickness, etc.. that the game does not show.
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Oh god I can relate to your blog so well it is scary.
It is pure joy and I am so thankful for being able to experience something like this. And the more I think about it, the more I feel some kind of duty to share my experience with others.
Needless to say, they were far from able or even willing to try to understand.
Strong emotions certainly aren't the flavour of the century...
What fascinates me the most I guess, is the way knowledge, or maybe even wisdom, is gained trough VNs and even good Animes (Clannad After Story!!!)
Through the suffering and trouble, the joy and fears of fictional characters, we get to embrace our own humanity.
We cry, though we dont get hurt. At least not on the outside.
But the characters suffering becomes OUR suffering, it's story somehow becomes OUR story, or at least I feel that way.
This emotional connection feels so strong, so pure and untamed.
It is a part of heaven, or so I feel.
Just listening to certain Soundtracks makes me almost cry...
Maybe I am just an emotionaly unstable child who refuses to accept reality's cruelness.
Who knows...
[Please bear with me, I am from germany and my english might be terrible for you to read. Hope you dont mind.]
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Oh lord, Req.
You wrote a blog about this?
Did this stem from our discussion a few days ago?
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On February 12 2013 04:35 WaveofShadow wrote:Oh lord, Req. You wrote a blog about this? Did this stem from our discussion a few days ago?
More like the discussion stemmed from me playing through the first act again. It's amazing the type of emotions that can be dredged up just by hearing the soundtrack.
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A recurring theme is the protagonist's ability to keep going whatever the obstacles are and no matter how ridiculous the actions he has to take are.
The more you prepare and discipline yourself, the more ready you are to snatch that "opportunity for happiness" out of the air, right? The only problem then is time, and VNs are very tricky with the way that they cut time short to give you the feels that you need. So in reality, just keep on running.
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I got pretty much the same feels after I played the game. Normally, I retreat into my imagination and create imaginary characters and throw them into the plot of the story in order to prolong the "lifespan" of a good story and its plot. I'm very fond of escapism, and doing this allows me to maintain the immersion in a different reality much longer than otherwise possible.
But, I just couldn't do that with this story for various reasons and was forced to confront this part of myself for possibly the first time. I realized that I couldn't stand looking at something so beautiful without ever being able to have it, and the fact that KS inspires so much more empathy than the fantasy plots I'm used to only exacerbated that fact. Honestly, the sheer pain of desiring something impossible with all your heart and mind is probably the truest torture.
In the end, though, I came to a decision. I need to build a life I don't need to escape from. I need to build the life that I deserve, and I won't ever get it if I don't bleed for it. Dreams don't just "come true", you have to make them true. Reading this story and facing the part of myself that always hides within my imagination made me realize this.
KS is a really interesting experience.
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The feels, they never quite dissipate completely. KS is really a beautifully crafted visual novel, definitely gets a recommendation from me for anybody who hasn't read it yet.
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Someone got a case of the feels.
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On February 12 2013 07:38 Elem wrote:
Someone got a case of the feels.
It is downright amazing to me that it can still get this kind of reaction out of me a year after I played it for the first time. Some things just stick with you.
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Well, I enjoyed KS a lot myself (looking back at my post in the KS thread...I look like a tool haha) but to be honest I found that there are much better VNs for feels. I was a bit like you when I first finished it but looking back at it it's just not the same after you've read like 50 other ones, quite a few of them better than KS in almost every single way.
But yeah, you should have this inspire you to do great things. I felt shit enough (and I feel shit thinking about having felt shit) back then and I really regret that I didn't use that to springboard myself forward. You're lucky enough to get a second chance. It's only you who can get up and be the man of tomorrow.
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On February 12 2013 03:55 xSTaRFiSHx wrote:
What fascinates me the most I guess, is the way knowledge, or maybe even wisdom, is gained trough VNs and even good Animes (Clannad After Story!!!)
Through the suffering and trouble, the joy and fears of fictional characters, we get to embrace our own humanity.
We cry, though we dont get hurt. At least not on the outside.
But the characters suffering becomes OUR suffering, it's story somehow becomes OUR story, or at least I feel that way.
This emotional connection feels so strong, so pure and untamed.
It is a part of heaven, or so I feel.
Just listening to certain Soundtracks makes me almost cry...
Maybe I am just an emotionaly unstable child who refuses to accept reality's cruelness.
Who knows...
Yes. KS, other VNs, animes can really give you deep insight, or expand one's perspective of oneself or one's surroundings. KS was certainly this for me, it provided me with a lot of feels - and I have only played through 3 of the routes. I also played it when I wasn't feeling particularly well, recently out of studies and trying to find a job, any job, without success. Being unemployed is more mentally taxing than some might think...
For me, listening to some soundtracks can sure have an affect on me, but mostly it just makes me wanna re-play the game! :D
On February 12 2013 03:55 xSTaRFiSHx wrote:
[Please bear with me, I am from germany and my english might be terrible for you to read. Hope you dont mind.]
Why do the people with the best english always excuse their english for being bad? Your english is better than most on this forum, mate.
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I just streamed the crap out of KS today. If nothing else it was extremely well written. From one who is not a big fan of the visual novel format, it was absolutely perfectly pulled off. The atmosphere the story creates is one that... perhaps if you can't relate to it, you can put yourself in those situations with the main character (Who is exceptionally characterized through the narrative), which allows for a wonderful experience regardless of personal experience.
In general, I don't ever find myself relating to a situation, I relate through characters and their actions and reactions. Specifically in regard to morality and choices which stem from it.
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Read quite a bit about this one and got some recommendations but being the lazy slob I am I never checked it out. I guess after reading this blog I'm gonna have to get around to that.
How long do you wager it would take to get the full experience? (basically multiple playthroughs for multiple endings)
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Im interested in what other VN's have you read? Personally I didnt like KS all too much. Mostly because it isn't voiced and im not all too thrilled about the setting.
It is always amazing to listen to the soundtrack and remember all the feels you had when reading.
If anyone is interested, this is the novels i've read so far. http://vndb.org/u24130/list?c=all;v=0;t=-1;o=d;s=vote
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KS is really beautiful, and then you're reminded that it's just a visual novel. I had to try it out and I don't regret it at all. A really amazing experience.
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EPT
