EPTDon't get me wrong, the feeling never quite leaves. I can still feel it like an itch, scratching behind my eyeballs, pounding against my skull and ribcage. It pushes down on my head, whispers depression into my ears, trying to make me bow down and accept that I'll always be worthless and unlovable.
But some days, I'm stronger than it. It's easier to smile despite the gnawing, and putting one foot in front of the other isn't such a monumental task. I don't know what makes these days easier, or even if it's something I can control. Trust me, if I knew these things, I would put this behind me in a matter of minutes.
I just don't know what to do, or how to handle this. On my good days, part of me wants to talk to people. I want to apologize to my friends and family for my shitty behavior and actions. I want to try and better myself, to do something worthwhile and maybe make up for who I am. But it's hard, knowing that the next day I might be down again, shutting out the people who are trying to help and taking another step back into myself. I don't want to go forward, because I know it might be and probably will be futile in the long run.
I feel like I'm at war with myself. And I am, in a way, I talk to (and disconcertingly enough, respond to) myself way too much to have the illusion that I'm 100% together. Can I really be someone when I don't even know who I am? How do I work towards a goal, strive to be something better when I don't even feel whole?
All I do, all I can do, is take it step by step, day by day. Trudging along, carrying the bits of my mind around like so many weighty burdens, dragging them behind me like weights chained to my skin. How far will I go before I stumble again? How far can I crawl along? Will I pick myself back up, or will the next time I fall be the last?
Maybe one day I'll figure it out. Maybe one day I'll be free. Until then...
At the time, you might think it’s a mistake you can never undo. Even if it is, if we kick and scream and fight like hell, we move forward a little bit.
