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On March 29 2012 02:23 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
Thank you all for your opinions.
As I have cooled down a lot more, and had a lot more alone time, I am thinking and thinknig. I am going to meet with her and talk about this. However, I don't know what will happen. It really isn't 100% of my decision. Afterall, we are not talking or seeing each other for about 2 weeks now based on HER requiest that we take some time off. So, it is possible that she might be having second thoughts about this marriage decision. She is still young too, and she is taking off socially, meeting new people at work, at church, and all over. I really hope that isn't the case but we will have to see. I will update you guys soon.
FYI, again and again, sex before marriage thing is NOT BECAUSE OF RELIGION!!! She is a very religious person (and I am not, I am currently semi-atheist), but that is not the reason why we decided to have more of a platonic relationship.
Last I checked, it takes two(or more  ) people to have sex. Your religion might not be getting in the way, but hers could be. Saying "we're asian" seems... odd.
Honestly, though, the reason why doesn't really matter that much. As I said before (in my experience), a relationship changes when you live together and add sex to the equation. It just changes (usually in a good way, but not always).
You don't know what married life would be like with this girl, because you are missing two of the most basic elements of married life: sex and living together. Of course there is more to it than that, but you can never downplay those components.
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On March 29 2012 03:02 Jibba wrote:Show nested quote +On March 28 2012 11:00 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. First, I'm Asian and I don't understand at all. Second, why are you personally against it if you're not religious? It's like buying a car before test driving it. There's a lot of components that go into a serious relationship beyond just going on dates every so often. You didn't speak to her for a week after the last thing that happened. There is just such a large gap between where you are now and where you'll be when you're married that it seems absurd not to live together first, even if you abstain from sex. Not to mention all the gross stuff people do, you'll have to get over. Aside from religion, I see no reason to go in blind.
I think living together before getting married (living together with someone you WILL marry) is a good idea.
Trying to do that in Asian community is asking for a social death and getting mad pointed at. Also, my parents would not be able to go out and commune with other people. The community is still too conservative towards living together before marriage, and it is similar to almost all 1.5 generation Asians (At least of the several hundreds that I know). What I am guessing is that you are 2nd gen.
Also, my parent's generation, no one (Asians in Asia) lived together before marriage yet the divorce rate is much lower than nowadays. I have came acorss 'living togethe before marriage' thing for the first time after I immigrated to Canada. It was something new and something I found weird. Cultural reasons but as I grew up, I totally understood why, and the positive sides of all things. However, I don't think living together means everything. When you date someone long enough, know what their habit is like (it isn't like I have never stayed over at her place, went grocery shopping.. what not. We have done many many things together, just not live together) i dont think it is much of an issue. Of COURSE, it will NEVER be good enough as living together since you will get to know many things. Anyways, those are two reasons why I am against living together before marriage.
For example, I have no Chinese or Korean friend who has their parents living in Canada living with their gf or bf. There are some, but their parents are overseas. Their parents would cut off the financial support the moment they find out.
Let us not discuss anything in regards to sex... I know very well how important it is and I have no plan on overlooking it at all. I think the discussion has strayed off topic really.
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United States22883 Posts
The divorce rate is lower, just as the divorce rate was lower in the US in the 1950s. That's the type of conservatism that exists in most deeply azn communities.
That doesn't mean the marriages are more successful. You can obviously choose to do it, but I don't think stressing the benefits based on statistics from marriages 30+ years ago is really a fair comparison. In the past, people just didn't get divorced. Today, people get divorced for many of the concerns you're outlining in your OP. I'm just trying to illustrate that living together first may likely be the more careful approach, and could actually reduce the risks of incompatibility later on.
You're asking us about choosing between traveling in opposite directions, and the justifiable fear you have that you're choosing the wrong way. I'm saying it's possible to take a few more steps towards the marriage direction without completely committing to it yet, in order to gather more information. Maybe even temporarily, for a few weeks.
The social concerns you brought up are good ones but if it's temporary, it could be something your parents never have to talk about. Have you talked to them about it? It could very well be they don't care - parents can surprise you. Honestly, the fact that your loved ones have said you can do better almost sounds to me like they're not big fans of her. It's just a lightened way of saying it.
EDIT: And spending the night over isn't quite the same. It's the same as with any roommate (and why they say you shouldn't room with friends when you first go to college.) The little things start to add up and annoy you, so it's about both of you seeing if you can let the other person's little things go.
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Calgary25954 Posts
The divorce rate was also lower when people could smoke indoors and we used lead paint.
Anyways, you have some pretty strong, conservative views. So I don't know what you're expecting from this thread. Obviously you will get, on average, middle-of-the-road advice that isn't in line with how you live.
Edit: It's my opinion that you should never marry someone without living with them and having sex with them.
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Divorce rate was really to put things into context. I know it is illogical to bring that up and compare. But there are many cases where they have happy marriage lives without living together. Again, I do agree that it is a safer option to live together before marriage, but it is NOT an option for me. I did not ask if I should live together before marriage or not, I was asking for advice for how to handle this situation.
I will figure something out. She is important to me, and we both try to make ourselves better to make each other happier. I want to make this work, but I will have to see what she feels because again, she could be the decider to end this relationship just as much as I can.
If I do decide to get married though, I am quite worried about cooking and household work. She is a career woman type, so she is busy at work all the time, at home or at office. I am more relaxed working type, working a secure but boring job. So this might be something I might have to sacrifise (Doing more household work myself) to make things work, because I can't stand the house being dirty. An ideal wife for me would be a career woman that also loves cooking... she fits almost all criteria but she hates cooking. If she enjoys cooking, I told her that I could do all the laundry, vacuuming, dish washing.. etc. This is something I really wanna check before getting married, and it is really too bad that living together isn't an option for me.
Edit: Her and my parents would cut family ties with us if we decided to move out and live together before marriage. They're strangely conservative in that way, I think it is because of church and the small community that we have (everyone knows each other) and the insanely negative views we will receive.
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On March 29 2012 03:31 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 03:02 Jibba wrote:On March 28 2012 11:00 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. First, I'm Asian and I don't understand at all. Second, why are you personally against it if you're not religious? It's like buying a car before test driving it. There's a lot of components that go into a serious relationship beyond just going on dates every so often. You didn't speak to her for a week after the last thing that happened. There is just such a large gap between where you are now and where you'll be when you're married that it seems absurd not to live together first, even if you abstain from sex. Not to mention all the gross stuff people do, you'll have to get over. Aside from religion, I see no reason to go in blind. I think living together before getting married (living together with someone you WILL marry) is a good idea. Trying to do that in Asian community is asking for a social death and getting mad pointed at. Also, my parents would not be able to go out and commune with other people. The community is still too conservative towards living together before marriage, and it is similar to almost all 1.5 generation Asians (At least of the several hundreds that I know). What I am guessing is that you are 2nd gen. Also, my parent's generation, no one (Asians in Asia) lived together before marriage yet the divorce rate is much lower than nowadays. I have came acorss 'living togethe before marriage' thing for the first time after I immigrated to Canada. It was something new and something I found weird. Cultural reasons but as I grew up, I totally understood why, and the positive sides of all things. However, I don't think living together means everything. When you date someone long enough, know what their habit is like (it isn't like I have never stayed over at her place, went grocery shopping.. what not. We have done many many things together, just not live together) i dont think it is much of an issue. Of COURSE, it will NEVER be good enough as living together since you will get to know many things. Anyways, those are two reasons why I am against living together before marriage. For example, I have no Chinese or Korean friend who has their parents living in Canada living with their gf or bf. There are some, but their parents are overseas. Their parents would cut off the financial support the moment they find out. Let us not discuss anything in regards to sex... I know very well how important it is and I have no plan on overlooking it at all. I think the discussion has strayed off topic really.
You're going to have a lot more problems in life than a girl if you're worried about "social death" and getting "mad pointed at." My advice is move to another city. You've got a lot of growing to do. From what you've written so far in this blog, it sounds like you're extremely sheltered and live in some kind of puritanical hell-hole from the early 1800's, the kind of place where people get burned at the stake for wearing different colored pants.
Also, your talk about generations and Asia is kind of bizarre. I know a number of Chinese girls in China, Taiwan, and Singapore who live with their boyfriends (some of them have multiple bf's. they hop from bed to bed through the week).
I've also known several Canadian-Chinese girls who live with their bf's. Their parents are aware of it and of course expect them to get married eventually but by no means are they or their parents ostracized from the community. Many of these girls are the daughters of wealthy and politically influential families, so it's not a "dirty girl from bad background" sort of thing.
And take it from a guy who dated a girl for 5 years then moved in together for 2 then broke up. Dating, no matter how close, is NOTHING like living together. What's mildly annoying at the moment becomes excruciating after living together. What's a straining point now, becomes a breaking point when you're FORCED to see each other night after night. Many coping mechanisms like a week of not talking or going out with friends for the weekend and forgetting each other are all useless when you are stuck sharing the same bed at night. It is totally not the same. And going by what you've said her current behavior is like, this girl is totally not ready for the strain of living together.
Remember, when you live together, she will always know when you come back from a strip club, casino, beach party, or any other assortment of fun things that help you get over wanting to throttle her. And her response will be to give you a new host of reasons to want to throttle her, thereby completely destroying the emotional progress you've just bought with time, money, and liver health.
Or I guess from what you've described of your life so far, instead of strip clubs and beaches, you go to libraries and family picnics. But fear not, it changes little what you do with your time away from her. She will relentlessly sniff out the aroma of crushed grass and freshly ziplocked turkey sandwiches on you and will proceed to screech at you like a harpy for having a grand old time while she languished in her emotional typhoon of misery. Then she will drown you in that misery of hers until you wish you could be an androgynous mannikin of a human being that never knew or cared for that peculiar creature known as woman.
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On March 29 2012 08:06 StorkHwaiting wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 03:31 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:On March 29 2012 03:02 Jibba wrote:On March 28 2012 11:00 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. First, I'm Asian and I don't understand at all. Second, why are you personally against it if you're not religious? It's like buying a car before test driving it. There's a lot of components that go into a serious relationship beyond just going on dates every so often. You didn't speak to her for a week after the last thing that happened. There is just such a large gap between where you are now and where you'll be when you're married that it seems absurd not to live together first, even if you abstain from sex. Not to mention all the gross stuff people do, you'll have to get over. Aside from religion, I see no reason to go in blind. I think living together before getting married (living together with someone you WILL marry) is a good idea. Trying to do that in Asian community is asking for a social death and getting mad pointed at. Also, my parents would not be able to go out and commune with other people. The community is still too conservative towards living together before marriage, and it is similar to almost all 1.5 generation Asians (At least of the several hundreds that I know). What I am guessing is that you are 2nd gen. Also, my parent's generation, no one (Asians in Asia) lived together before marriage yet the divorce rate is much lower than nowadays. I have came acorss 'living togethe before marriage' thing for the first time after I immigrated to Canada. It was something new and something I found weird. Cultural reasons but as I grew up, I totally understood why, and the positive sides of all things. However, I don't think living together means everything. When you date someone long enough, know what their habit is like (it isn't like I have never stayed over at her place, went grocery shopping.. what not. We have done many many things together, just not live together) i dont think it is much of an issue. Of COURSE, it will NEVER be good enough as living together since you will get to know many things. Anyways, those are two reasons why I am against living together before marriage. For example, I have no Chinese or Korean friend who has their parents living in Canada living with their gf or bf. There are some, but their parents are overseas. Their parents would cut off the financial support the moment they find out. Let us not discuss anything in regards to sex... I know very well how important it is and I have no plan on overlooking it at all. I think the discussion has strayed off topic really. You're going to have a lot more problems in life than a girl if you're worried about "social death" and getting "mad pointed at." My advice is move to another city. You've got a lot of growing to do. From what you've written so far in this blog, it sounds like you're extremely sheltered and live in some kind of puritanical hell-hole from the early 1800's, the kind of place where people get burned at the stake for wearing different colored pants. Also, your talk about generations and Asia is kind of bizarre. I know a number of Chinese girls in China, Taiwan, and Singapore who live with their boyfriends (some of them have multiple bf's. they hop from bed to bed through the week). I've also known several Canadian-Chinese girls who live with their bf's. Their parents are aware of it and of course expect them to get married eventually but by no means are they or their parents ostracized from the community. Many of these girls are the daughters of wealthy and politically influential families, so it's not a "dirty girl from bad background" sort of thing. And take it from a guy who dated a girl for 5 years then moved in together for 2 then broke up. Dating, no matter how close, is NOTHING like living together. What's mildly annoying at the moment becomes excruciating after living together. What's a straining point now, becomes a breaking point when you're FORCED to see each other night after night. Many coping mechanisms like a week of not talking or going out with friends for the weekend and forgetting each other are all useless when you are stuck sharing the same bed at night. It is totally not the same. And going by what you've said her current behavior is like, this girl is totally not ready for the strain of living together. Remember, when you live together, she will always know when you come back from a strip club, casino, beach party, or any other assortment of fun things that help you get over wanting to throttle her. And her response will be to give you a new host of reasons to want to throttle her, thereby completely destroying the emotional progress you've just bought with time, money, and liver health. Or I guess from what you've described of your life so far, instead of strip clubs and beaches, you go to libraries and family picnics. But fear not, it changes little what you do with your time away from her. She will relentlessly sniff out the aroma of crushed grass and freshly ziplocked turkey sandwiches on you and will proceed to screech at you like a harpy for having a grand old time while she languished in her emotional typhoon of misery. Then she will drown you in that misery of hers until you wish you could be an androgynous mannikin of a human being that never knew or cared for that peculiar creature known as woman.
Hahaha wow lol. This gells with my experience quite well, but at some point you decide you care about the person enough to weather the typhoon. It's certainly a lot easier to spend time with someone when you can take space every once in a while. I think some women understand that and manage to give space even when living with you.
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On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:Show nested quote +On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters.
Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done.
Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older.
That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider.
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On March 29 2012 02:23 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
She is a very religious person (and I am not, I am currently semi-atheist), but that is not the reason why we decided to have more of a platonic relationship.
it could very well be down the road...
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This is in the top 1% of useless posts in blogs. I honestly don't know what you expect to gain from this, especially given that you appear to have already made up your mind and are only wasting your time arguing against (good) posts that aren't in line with your predisposed opinion and agreeing with (bad) posts which are. Meh.
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Why are you paralyzed with the thoughts of divorce rate? Why do you have to be *the* pinnacle model citizen of your city and the entire Asian community?
I almost felt you are really from the 1700s, and somehow travelled to the future that is 2012.
Actually, scratch that. The section below just makes me think you're trolling.
On March 29 2012 04:35 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
If I do decide to get married though, I am quite worried about cooking and household work. She is a career woman type, so she is busy at work all the time, at home or at office. I am more relaxed working type, working a secure but boring job. So this might be something I might have to sacrifise (Doing more household work myself) to make things work, because I can't stand the house being dirty. An ideal wife for me would be a career woman that also loves cooking... she fits almost all criteria but she hates cooking. If she enjoys cooking, I told her that I could do all the laundry, vacuuming, dish washing.. etc. This is something I really wanna check before getting married, and it is really too bad that living together isn't an option for me.
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I think I can offer some advice. I am 24 now, and am getting married in less than 3 months. I have been dating my fiancee since grade 12 (we went to the same highschool), so over 5 years now. We are both settling down right now as we get out of school. She is interviewing for teaching jobs, and her prospects look promising, and I am working for my dads company. So we are also stable like you seem to be.
Now, to deal with your decision of marriage or break up, here is my emotional experience, it seems to be very different from yours. We know we are young. A lot of people from outside our closest group of friends ask me why I would settle down so early. However, our friends are more than 100% behind us. I guess where it differs here, is that we share the same friends. We didnt have to take much time away from our social lives for our relationship, because we spent it together, and often times in the company of those close to us. Now, your friends seem to be viewing this idea of settling down quite negatively. You cant let them influence your decision. My friends obviously like my fiancee, as she is also their friend, and they couldnt imagine us not being together. I wouldnt let them pushing me to get married influence me (not that it was an issue that arose, im speaking hypothetically), just like I dont think you should let what your friends think influence you to not get married. No matter how much others say, including the advice me and others give you, nobody knows your relationship like you and your partner. Trust yourself.
In regards to the whole "I havent experienced the world" thought, the way I approached it with my fiancee, is that we would do that together. Nobody says you have to do that alone. In reality, if you dont do this with her, you will likely do it with friends. Your serious gf/fiancee/wife should also be your best friend. If you dont have the sense of friendship and love for experiencing the world as a couple, then something may be lacking. I love nothing more than to have my fiance there to travel with, to try new things with, be it something far away and crazy, or just something simple like trying to cook a new type of food. If you cant see yourself experiencing life, with that person next to you, then you should question whether or not you are truly meant to be together. Dont forget, when youre married, the idea is that they will be beside you until the day you no longer exist. Thats a long time. Theres two ways to look at that, thats a lot of time to experience life together, or thats a long time to have to spend together. If you think the latter, then you likely arent ready.
In my relationship, the idea of "getting married too young" has never been a factor. Were both adults, we love each other, theres nobody that makes me happier, and she feels the same. You cant start a marriage when there is doubt involved. You have to be willing to fully give yourself to the other person. Really, what I noticed, is that every big event, our 1 year anniversary, our engagement, etc... felt no different than the day before. That is how I think it should be if you fully love each other. The night I proposed, we were out partying in Vegas with another couple (two friends we spend a lot of time with), and they asked us about 3 or 4 hours after the engagement, "How does it feel!!!?!?!?" Our response was "it actually doesnt feel any different, were just excited for the future and all the things we will get to keep doing together". I am 100% sure that our wedding will feel the same. It will be a fun party, with all our closest friends and family, but we wont feel any different toward each other, because were both already "all in".
That being said, if you two love each other, I wouldnt throw it away for some undefined idea of greener pastures. The mind is naturally inquisitive, and you will always wonder what else is out there, but that doesnt mean that you will be able to find better. You might want to test out the waters, go on an adventure, go travel somewhere, do something crazy fun and exciting that you think you really want to do before you "settle down". Do something you want, and something she wants, but do it together. See if doing these things you imagined doing, feel "right" with the other person there. If you think she is really the one, but the timing isnt right, or you have some nervousness, throw yourselves out there, and at least give it the best shot you are capable of. You wont regret anything if you put everything you possibly could into it, and you exhausted all other avenues. If you just give up easily, you can likely end up regreting that decision for the rest of your life.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I hope you got something useful out of it. Either way, good luck and I wish you all the best.
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On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider.
... what? I don't even ...
Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old.
Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point.
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sounds like the type of girl you regret not tying down.... something to consider
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On March 29 2012 14:19 khaydarin9 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider. ... what? I don't even ... Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old. Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point.
Erm ok, misunderstanding here. Of course a man has to deal with a menopausing wife at SOME point, but the fact of the matter is, tons of successful men in their 40s or even 50s have younger (sometimes much younger) wives in their 20-30s while the opposite is not often true at all. Once a woman reaches her 40s, or even 30s by certain standards, she loses most of her appeal to men. Again, for men it's much different, just think of any of the male Hollywood celebrities in their middle ages; still secksy shmecksy, no?
I've noticed this pervasive phenomenon with my time in China this year; most (90%+) of the younger female co-workers/friends that I've talked to, in their early-mid twenties, are looking to date men in their 30s or at least their late 20s. Of course values are different between person to person, but increasingly I've also found that most of my younger male friends are delaying marriage later and later, and this is backed up by statistics as well. So tentatively speaking for the majority of men, although I appreciate the importance of compatibility, I'm a horny creature, a prisoner of hormones and I would like my future wife to be both compatible with me and younger than me when I do marry her in my 30s. I'd like to not only love her as a life-long companion when I'm in my 40s in the psychological sense, but in the physical sense as well.
Maybe I'm a little bit too pragmatic having been through quite a few relationships, but you can't deny the fact that physical appearance/sex appeal is an important part of relationships, especially the life-long one.
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On March 29 2012 18:45 EngrishTeacher wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 14:19 khaydarin9 wrote:On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider. ... what? I don't even ... Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old. Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point. Erm ok, misunderstanding here. Of course a man has to deal with a menopausing wife at SOME point, but the fact of the matter is, tons of successful men in their 40s or even 50s have younger (sometimes much younger) wives in their 20-30s while the opposite is not often true at all. Once a woman reaches her 40s, or even 30s by certain standards, she loses most of her appeal to men. Again, for men it's much different, just think of any of the male Hollywood celebrities in their middle ages; still secksy shmecksy, no? I've noticed this pervasive phenomenon with my time in China this year; most (90%+) of the younger female co-workers/friends that I've talked to, in their early-mid twenties, are looking to date men in their 30s or at least their late 20s. Of course values are different between person to person, but increasingly I've also found that most of my younger male friends are delaying marriage later and later, and this is backed up by statistics as well. So tentatively speaking for the majority of men, although I appreciate the importance of compatibility, I'm a horny creature, a prisoner of hormones and I would like my future wife to be both compatible with me and younger than me when I do marry her in my 30s. I'd like to not only love her as a life-long companion when I'm in my 40s in the psychological sense, but in the physical sense as well. Maybe I'm a little bit too pragmatic having been through quite a few relationships, but you can't deny the fact that physical appearance/sex appeal is an important part of relationships, especially the life-long one.
What is precluding you from loving someone your own age when you're in your 40s? Because she may be going through menopause?
I can't back this up with figures, but I would argue that the reason that women may be attracted to men who are older than them is because in contemporary society, older men tend to have more social stability (and/or status), and if you subscribe to biological determinism in any sense, stability is an attractive quality because it's a good environment in which to raise offspring. Conversely, as you say, men are attracted to younger women because, well, they're more attractive, which is an indicator of fertility and good genes, etc. So perhaps it's a little incongruent that physiologically speaking, women supposedly reach their sexual peak at an older age than men - so, theoretically, a couple would have the most compatible sex drive when the man is in his late teens/early-twenties and the woman is in her early thirties.
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To the OP: if it's too early for you, then postpone marriage. If the woman you're with truly loves you then she will respect your decision and stay with you. You don't want to fall into the trap of relationship problems from marrying too early just for the sake of it. You have to have a level of control and realize that this is a significant decision. If you have no control over the situation, then there's a high possibility that things won't work out well after marriage.
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I think people are greedy and never think they are happy enough. I think no matter who you are with you will have thoughts of being able to find someone better. You should think about all the things that she does, that other girls most likely wouldn't do or be like that really make you happy.
Go with your gut, its a really important decision. If you break up with her you most likely wont be getting married for another 5-10 years. (Years of dating different people to find the right one, and years of being with that person before marrying them)
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United States22883 Posts
On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider.
What? A 2 year difference is far more important in your 20s than it'll be in your 40s and 50s. Out of everything here, this may be the silliest post.
If your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you when they're 45, they probably didn't want to have sex with you when they're 40 either. If anything, burdens are lifted as your children grow up and move out.
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EPT
