EPTBreakup or Marriage - All or nothing - Page 8
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Deleted User 109835
629 Posts
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
I had a talk with my parents today... Surprisingly, they weren't really against the idea of living together before marriage! It was a pleasant surprise. So if everything works out well, that really is an option. As many of you guys said, who really cares about what others think right? I still have to make a decision about what to do, planning to meet her and talk about this soon... I think the fact that I hesitate to make a decision really shows that I am not ready for this. I think I will know better once I talk with her. Thank you all. | ||
Chill
Calgary25954 Posts
On March 30 2012 08:51 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: Now you are being an absolute sore loser. There are always people making lots of money. Just because you didn't doesn't mean others did not succeed either. I have a friend who had an internship at Altera or some tech company in the states for 72k. That is 72k after 3rd year of university. I am not even close to him. There is also my supervisor who is 27 and she makes 110k. You think I am lying? I think you are just completely jealous. Don't deny the truth. I don't give a crap if you had a similar education as me. Perhaps I did more things during my summers and did well in school and got an interview at an awesome place and am making a good money. You are being completely silly denying that making between 50~60k a year as 24 year old is in 1% of the age group, because it INDEED is. The links you provided me and the posts show that you have absolutely NO clue about how much people make in our age group. You are living in a dream world. FYI, if you are going to school in Alberta, you should not be comparing to UofT or Waterloo, we have way more opportunities at first hand and much much stronger fundamentals. I went to Queens, I'm 27, a P.Eng and making 110k also (113 if you want to be technical). Your move tough guy. It wasn't jealousy. The links I provided are Albertan engineers. Yea, go ahead and say you're in the top 0.01% and then include the entire world if you want - doesn't make it less absurd. I wouldn't marry this girl without sleeping with her and living with her. It seems that you agree but are facing social pressures. I'd rather satisfy my own necessities before making a commitment than be scared away by outside pressures. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
On March 30 2012 09:50 Chill wrote: I went to Queens, I'm 27, a P.Eng and making 110k also (113 if you want to be technical). Your move tough guy. It wasn't jealousy. The links I provided are Albertan engineers. Yea, go ahead and say you're in the top 0.01% and then include the entire world if you want - doesn't make it less absurd. I wouldn't marry this girl without sleeping with her and living with her. It seems that you agree but are facing social pressures. I'd rather satisfy my own necessities before making a commitment than be scared away by outside pressures. Albertan Engineers are mostly chemical and mining/mineral engineering from what I know. The numbers are small, but they do get paid well, but limited opportunity (really inter-provincial). If you are 27 and making that much, that is really a rare case of Engineers in Canada. My supervisor CERTAINLY is + quite lucky in her career path. It is a path I am looking forward to go. I took the correct first step, I just have to continue. I tend to use numbers when expressing anything, it is just a habit of mine. However, I don't think what I stated is wrong, because it really is right, regardless of whether it is necessary to say or not. Anyway, all the more reason for me to be humble, so I will try to word it more appropriately Are you getting M.Eng or MBA? | ||
Jibba
United States22883 Posts
On March 30 2012 09:38 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: I had a talk with my parents today... Surprisingly, they weren't really against the idea of living together before marriage! It was a pleasant surprise.  I'm really glad. The depth of one's parents is something no one can understand/believe until it happens. Unfortunately, not all are like that but I'm super happy that yours are. I can't tell you how many times I've been shocked by how open or understanding my parents have been, including my crazy Japanese mother. I've even gotten to show my dad a few PL games. D: | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
My dad still hates videogames, they've chirped at me for playing games everyday anyway for my entire life, but that has stopped once I got to university and started going on the right track | ||
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Chill
Calgary25954 Posts
On March 30 2012 10:16 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: Albertan Engineers are mostly chemical and mining/mineral engineering from what I know. The numbers are small, but they do get paid well, but limited opportunity (really inter-provincial). If you are 27 and making that much, that is really a rare case of Engineers in Canada. My supervisor CERTAINLY is + quite lucky in her career path. It is a path I am looking forward to go. I took the correct first step, I just have to continue. I tend to use numbers when expressing anything, it is just a habit of mine. However, I don't think what I stated is wrong, because it really is right, regardless of whether it is necessary to say or not. Anyway, all the more reason for me to be humble, so I will try to word it more appropriately Are you getting M.Eng or MBA? I'm sorry I came across so aggressive, but I'm extremely sensitive to people who make exaggerated claims. Didn't mean to bring you down necessarily and I noticed you edited your OP. I don't think either would help me right now so I'm not looking at getting more education yet. Back to the situation at hand. There's no way to elevate your relationship AT ALL without getting married? It seems like there's a natural progression most people take: Become serious, move in together, (optional) get a pet together, (optional) buy property together, get married. Maybe it's not those specific steps, but it seems like you've just reached a point where you want to go all-in for some reason. I'd look for something to test the waters first. If living together and sexual things are absolutely off the table, can you travel together for 3 weeks? Take all your vacation together and go to Europe or something? Can you get a pet together? Buy a car together? Buy an income property together (risky if you foresee any chance of a breakup in the future)? It seems like there are many steps that could be taken between where you're at and marriage... Edit: My girlfriend is Korean and her father has similar conservative views. We reached a point where I wanted to live together and her dad wouldn't accept it. But eventually she moved in and eventually he accepted it. So I kind of understand where you're coming from. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
But it doesn't hurt to be humble right? I think first I have to decide if I will continue this relationship or not. Then those will come after. But your recommendations are very sound and something I was hoping to hear from fellow TLers. Thank you for your inputs. I am just guessing, but you might have had an easier time than me in moving in with your girlfriend. Weird enough, I know hundreds of 1.5gen (immigrant ones, specifically fobs) girls (mostly not close, but I just know who they are and relationship status, gossip etc) and I have never seen a single one date a non Asian dude! Actually, I am presuming that you are non-Asian but that could be wrong too. Please excuse my wrong assumption if it was, I just cannot find many Koreans/Chinese fobs who welcomes the idea of moving in together... Also if you met your gf at Queens... even less fobs!! I definitely think the 2nd generation Koreans/Chinese would be way more open minded. Anyway, good luck with your relationship too. My first step is to first realize wtf I want to do, and second take small steps. But our situation just happens to be that I can feel her parents pressuring her to get assurance from me. I feel like I have no breathing space and it really sucks! | ||
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endy
Switzerland8970 Posts
I was in a similar situation, got married at 23, my wife is 3 years older than I. It was mainly because you can't live together in China without being married. We did live together when we were abroad though, and I believe living together for a while before getting married is very important if not mandatory. I don't regret it ! | ||
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phar
United States1080 Posts
On March 30 2012 09:50 Chill wrote:I went to Queens, I'm 27, a P.Eng and making 110k also (113 if you want to be technical). Your move tough guy. It wasn't jealousy. The links I provided are Albertan engineers. Yea, go ahead and say you're in the top 0.01% and then include the entire world if you want - doesn't make it less absurd. I wouldn't marry this girl without sleeping with her and living with her. It seems that you agree but are facing social pressures. I'd rather satisfy my own necessities before making a commitment than be scared away by outside pressures. What this guy says is spot on. A healthy long term relationship will in part depend on a healthy sex life, and overwhelmingly on how well you can cope living together. The latter can be a really rude experience. One thing to bear in mind is that ultimatums do not bode well for relationships. It either means you are not communicating well, not compromising well, or SOMETHING, because someone is about ready to give up if they're throwing around final warnings like that (addressing the point in the OP here). Also arguing about salaries online is pretty lame (no hating on Chill, I see the provocation). Insulting other people's lives (or lack thereof) is pointless. Getting in people's faces while they're trying to help you out with a life decision is :\ Be nice! On March 27 2012 13:23 divito wrote:As for the rest of your response, I would then pose a question: are you able to completely act natural around her? How often, if ever, do you have to hold back something you might say or do because you fear her reaction to it? Once a day? A few times a week? Always? Never? This is also the best question raised in the thread from what I can see. If you can't act naturally, living with someone is going to slowly drive you crazy. | ||
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dormer
United States1314 Posts
It's your decision, you've got to be able to make it with confidence and commitment, either way. If you're not ready to make that decision at your age, that's fair -- if she doesn't understand that and is pressuring you to marry, then I'd ask yourself how healthy your relationship with her really is. Personally, I'm with Chill -- I can't imagine marrying someone without sleeping with them and living with them first. I also wouldn't marry someone that I didn't feel 100% about. That said, I'm sad and lonely, while you have a woman that wants to marry you, so it's ultimately your call. I just think that you have to be able to make the decision yourself, and if you can't, then you're just not ready (which is, again, totally fair). I don't see the need for the "all or nothing" approach. If you're happy now but not ready to marry, then stay together, but don't get married. | ||
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Box.N.Straw
Canada55 Posts
On March 30 2012 15:56 dormer wrote: I just think that you have to be able to make the decision yourself, and if you can't, then you're just not ready (which is, again, totally fair). I don't see the need for the "all or nothing" approach. If you're happy now but not ready to marry, then stay together, but don't get married. You forget that a relationship takes two. She wants to get married in a few years, but he's not sure if he'll be ready or if he should settle down with this particular girl. At this point in their lives, I think it's probably pretty important to be on the same page. I'm glad to hear that your parents approve you guys living together before getting married. My cousins (I'm Chinese) also faced a lot of issues when they wanted to move in with their bfs/gfs. To gain the approval of their parents, a few of them got engaged before moving in. Would this be an option for you? If you find that you guys aren't right for each other after living together...well an engagement is a lot easier to break off. I think the problem that asian cultures have with unmarried people moving in together is that it seems kinda scandalous and slutty to them. By getting engaged, everyone knows that you guys are serious about each other and not just playing around, so your family doesn't have to face any embarassment. If not, take some vacations together! Best of luck. | ||
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WhiteDog
France8650 Posts
Just say yes, freedom is not sleeping with a different girl every now and then. If she is really the girl for you, then she will makes you feel free even married. | ||
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NeoLearner
Belgium1847 Posts
Been married now for about 9 months. We were together for almost 10 years. I'm 27 now, she's 26. I only read the short OP, not the longer one that's referenced, so I don't know your exact situation. But I went ahead and I would do it again in a heartbeat. We lived together for 2 years before tying the knot though, so it's not like we didn't know what we were getting into. | ||
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mesohawny
Canada193 Posts
Your girlfriend has a penis (trust me on this one) and its probably a big, nasty, hairy, veiny one too. Don't let her trick you... At the very least you should demand to touch her vagina and explore it a little bit before you get married. And that 2 weeks off she requested? I bet my bottom dollar she's getting her pipes swapped out... good luck! User was temp banned for this post. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
NeoLearner, that is great! I am talking with her tonight, i'll see what happens. | ||
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phar
United States1080 Posts
On March 31 2012 03:39 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: Ok that's reasonable then.lol. no sex does not mean that I never got into her pants. It is just intercourse i am talking about, we are open to other sexual activities. On March 31 2012 03:39 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: NeoLearner, that is great! I am talking with her tonight, i'll see what happens. Agree a lot with NeoLearner here, living together first is a really good (many would argue necessary) test to see if you'll be happy down the road. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
Everything worked out well. I've been struggling to really grasp my feelings but I figured out my problem and why it was so silly. What I struggled all along (and us having talked about it) is that I wanted to just go out and have night life for say 1 year because I have never done it. Perhaps I may have been jealous of my friends. But I know that this is all for naught. I wasn't looking for another long term relationship, but rather just go out and do things that you can't do when you are commited. This was extremely silly and something that was not a breakup worthy material for me. I don't know how it could have grown on me this much past 2 weeks, but I really couldn't get what the missing 2% was, and this was it. But the reason being silly is not the main reason why I decided this. It was because it was something that was unimportant, and what mattered was that she was important to me. She said a similar thing. She likes going out, doing exciting stuff. She is a designer, she wants to just go somewhere experience new things. Me being a very calm and settle down guy, is complete opposite, and she said she had similar feelings and wants like me albeit for a bit different reasons. This issue is something we can solve together, as many have said, I can experience and do many exciting things with her. So why not? Anyhow, I know she is the one I really love and want. I won't talk much about what happened last night in greater detail, but we talked more about our future, and etc. I think most of you will be glad to hear that I will likely live with her for about a year before marriage (I will have to get engaged though). Thanks alot TL for all your advice. The struggles we had past few weeks will really make us stronger. We believe so and think that it was a necessary stage to move the relationship further. | ||
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phar
United States1080 Posts
Also help out with the cleaning, it will make it a lot easier :p | ||
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DONTPANIC
United States340 Posts
Hope all is well! Good Luck! Keep up the updates! | ||
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