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I think a lot of your doubt stems from being in such a homogenous society. Where abouts do you live if you dont mind me asking? I am from Toronot, and we experience tons of different cultures on a daily basis. We engage with all kinds of people, with all kinds of backgrounds, and all kinds of different insights on issues. People here tend to travel quite a bit also, and the whole "I wonder what else is out there" idea is not really a big issue. We feel like we have access to it.
I think the 2 of you need to step out of your bubble, and like I suggested in my previous long post, go do something new, somewhere else. A lot of people from small communities that stay at home and dont engage the world, have no idea of whats out there, and it seems like youre curious to find out. Take that step before you submit to settling into a lifestyle which seems to be extremely routine and sheltered.
Again, you can do this together. Experiencing life, and experiencing the world does not have to be an individual activity. Doing it with others is extremely enjoyable and rewarding, and who better to do it with than the one you love. If you dont enjoy your time doing this together, or you dont see eye to eye (you want to adventure more, and she wants to settle down), then at least you know that you tried!
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yea, the more the OP posts, the less I can relate to anything he says =\. Really sounds like he's posting from the '50s or something. good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I don't think you're going to get any useful advice here because it seems like all these responses are coming from people who live in 21st century cultures.
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Calgary25986 Posts
Can you let us know what this 1% dream job of a lifetime is? I'm super curious.
Edit: You could PM me too if you don't want it public.
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Ya, I am curious about that also. A top 1% dream job where I live is like CEO of an investment firm, or high profile criminal defence attorney. You dont really have those sorts of positions in a small town, which it sounds like he lives in. He is Canadian, and we are generally extremely liberal and secular, by the sounds of it, he would likely live in a small town in one of the prairie provinces, or somewhere extremely rural in on of the more populated provinces. Those small religous communities are few and far between around here.
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On March 30 2012 02:17 Focuspants wrote:
Ya, I am curious about that also. A top 1% dream job where I live is like CEO of an investment firm, or high profile criminal defence attorney.
Man those sound like horrible dream jobs.
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On March 30 2012 02:28 Leafs wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 02:17 Focuspants wrote:
Ya, I am curious about that also. A top 1% dream job where I live is like CEO of an investment firm, or high profile criminal defence attorney. Man those sound like horrible dream jobs.
I am speaking in purely financial terms. The OP said his and his gf's dream jobs landed them in the top 1% of income for his age. You need to have some extremely high profile job to claim that here, so I am just curious what they may be where he lives.
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On March 30 2012 02:34 Focuspants wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 02:28 Leafs wrote:On March 30 2012 02:17 Focuspants wrote:
Ya, I am curious about that also. A top 1% dream job where I live is like CEO of an investment firm, or high profile criminal defence attorney. Man those sound like horrible dream jobs. I am speaking in purely financial terms. The OP said his and his gf's dream jobs landed them in the top 1% of income for his age. You need to have some extremely high profile job to claim that here, so I am just curious what they may be where he lives.
I think op inflates much yes.
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I said my job is top 1% of my age group not my dream job.. count how many students graduate out of university each year. Now count how many of those make more than say 60k per year right off the bat. That is already top 1% of ALL graduates. Add in security and benefits and even more so.
As I read more posts from you guys I feel that you guys don't respect other cultures. This is supposed to be an international community. I've read many opinions on how you should live together blabla. I agree but I also gave u the reasoning why I cannot. There is no need to slam it on me that I live in the 50s. Please go read the Korean looks thread and such. We are frowned upon heavily and there are lots of negative views on such matter. This is the community I was born and raised in and I do not regret because there are many better things that you guys will never understand.
I am from Toronto and this city has to be the most multicultural city ever. At the same time itis most segregated as well. You go to school and look. Koreans Chinese Indians middleeasterns Russians everyone hangs out in their own group. The actually multicultural merging groups are minorities. Even at work it's heavily segregated. There is plenty of racism that just doesn't show on the outside. I've lived in Toronto suburbs and downtown for half of my life and this is what I see.
Despite the negativity it is a great city to live in and I can go to all kinds of restaurants. I plan on staying here because there is no reason to leave. I am content with an enjoyable happy life taking vacations to elsewhere every year. May not be most exciting but all my families are here and I like it this way.
I have tried to open up and accept many of your views. I want to do as such in some ways but there are constraints and choices and I ask that you guys respect at least that. Also it seems people are rather focusing on minor details than the main issue I wanted help with.
P.s. I don't understand why some people think I am trolling. Household work being one of the most important and time consuming part in daily life is unimportant? Isn't this something that you guys would check before marriage? If you have a lazy wife who doesn't wanna do any housework would you marry her? What is so troll about that??
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she is paying him to not have sex and he is paying her to not get married
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For those going off topic or think that I am worried about some other things.. let me summarize.
We are in our mid twenties working and dated for long long time.
I am under pressure of giving her assurance of marriage very soon. I have postponed this long enough.
She wants to marry me but I am younger and I am afraid if I am making a premature decision on getting married. I love her but I have not lived long enough to have the actual knowledge of how other people are like. As I have known only people from school work, church, people from my old part time jobs and etc, I am asking if I should go with my feeling( which could be too rushed and I have fear that I am making this decision prematurely) or if I should wait til I'm older to see things more clearly.
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If you live in Toronto, and somehow have a community that is closed off and set in its ways, the only way that is at all possible, is if you entirely spend all of your time with your church community. I thought you meant community in the sense of houses in a small area, where everyone knows each other, not in the church community sense.
You and I have had very different experiences in this city. The majority of my friends are multicultural. I dont know how you have such a "white" community as you mentioned in previous posts. You can easily engage in other cultures all day long, every day of the year here. We have one of the most multicultural cities in the entire world.
I can sympathize with your situation, as we had a friend in high school who was part of an evangelical church, and I understand (although dont agree with) the lifestyle. To each their own, just understand that being closed off to some of the ideas being thrown at you comes with inherent risk. If you havent spent time traveling together, living together, or experiencing the myriad of things you could be experiencing living in a city like ours, you can easily find yourself regretting a lot. I would take some time to engage the city some more. I have learned a lot about different cultures, and its fun spending time with friends and their families, and seeing their take on life. I think it would do the two of you some good to step out of your bubble a bit. I dont mean you need to throw away everything you believe in or grew up with, just go out with an open mind and see what the world has to offer. You have the luxury of being able to do a lot of that in the city you live in.
For the record, I havent experienced any serious cases of racism in my 24 years of living here. It obviously happens, but it is nowhere near normal.
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On March 30 2012 02:50 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
P.s. I don't understand why some people think I am trolling. Household work being one of the most important and time consuming part in daily life is unimportant? Isn't this something that you guys would check before marriage? If you have a lazy wife who doesn't wanna do any housework would you marry her? What is so troll about that??
1 - We suspect trolling because you sound overtly sexist.
2 - Isn't this something you guys would check before marriage? Yes. That's why you live together. Are we compatible sexually? Live together and find out. Will I end up having regrets if I join my life with this person? Live together and find out.
You ask questions that cannot possibly be answered without living with your girlfriend. That's why people are giving answers that don't seem accepting of your culture. I was raised religiously as well. My parents and extended family are very embarrassed that I live w/ my gf without being married. I have questions similar to yours. Unlike you, I'm willing to inconvenience my parents and make them feel bad in order to not rush into the biggest decision anyone can make.
Your choices are to either move in together and find the answers to most of your questions, or accept whatever social norms you were raised with and flip a coin.
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dude it sounds to everyone that you just dont wanna get married right now, you're being pressured into it, you're scared as shit of accepting it and scared as shit of letting it go. if there is one thing that is absolutely 100% certain, there are a fuuuckton of people who will tell you that they themselves got married prematurely and it ended in misery.
we TLers cant really help you because NONE of us have been in the same "no sex before marriage" situation. but we can definitely say for sure that in 5 years time (around the age of 30) you will have a WAY WAY more mature/wisened outlook on life than you do at 25.
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I do not go to church anymore. I think it is more of ethnic segregation. You only need to go see uoft campus to see what I mean. Trust me people engaging in multicultural activities( for example fraternity) is extreme minority. As much as multicultural this city is, a lot of people are immigrants. I did have white friends black friends etc but they cannot be the true friends I want because they are of different culture and We think differently. As an immigrant myself I find that I cannot go out and just mingle easily with say white people anymore. I did in high-school but to some extent. People are too different and yes it is OK to just go party together( I do that) but keep in touch, talk about life, stuff like that? Nope. I can't do it nor can any people that I know.
I think the second generation people fit together a lot better. Not so true with 1.5 gen.
I went to a very white primary and high-school and there were plenty of racism although it wasn't too serious but i did see alot of white superiority .
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On March 30 2012 03:11 mynameisgreat11 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 02:50 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
P.s. I don't understand why some people think I am trolling. Household work being one of the most important and time consuming part in daily life is unimportant? Isn't this something that you guys would check before marriage? If you have a lazy wife who doesn't wanna do any housework would you marry her? What is so troll about that??
1 - We suspect trolling because you sound overtly sexist. 2 - Isn't this something you guys would check before marriage? Yes. That's why you live together. Are we compatible sexually? Live together and find out. Will I end up having regrets if I join my life with this person? Live together and find out. You ask questions that cannot possibly be answered without living with your girlfriend. That's why people are giving answers that don't seem accepting of your culture. I was raised religiously as well. My parents and extended family are very embarrassed that I live w/ my gf without being married. I have questions similar to yours. Unlike you, I'm willing to inconvenience my parents and make them feel bad in order to not rush into the biggest decision anyone can make. Your choices are to either move in together and find the answers to most of your questions, or accept whatever social norms you were raised with and flip a coin.
Thanks. I really respect your choice and opinion. I wish I can get the courage to do that. But she would be against that in the first place which sucks.... I hope you don't find that sexist. I really am not. I just can't cook for the love of God. I told her I would do all the housework if she cooks because she is not bad at it. Except... she doesn't enjoy it. Is it still sexist?
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On March 30 2012 03:19 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2012 03:11 mynameisgreat11 wrote:On March 30 2012 02:50 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
P.s. I don't understand why some people think I am trolling. Household work being one of the most important and time consuming part in daily life is unimportant? Isn't this something that you guys would check before marriage? If you have a lazy wife who doesn't wanna do any housework would you marry her? What is so troll about that??
1 - We suspect trolling because you sound overtly sexist. 2 - Isn't this something you guys would check before marriage? Yes. That's why you live together. Are we compatible sexually? Live together and find out. Will I end up having regrets if I join my life with this person? Live together and find out. You ask questions that cannot possibly be answered without living with your girlfriend. That's why people are giving answers that don't seem accepting of your culture. I was raised religiously as well. My parents and extended family are very embarrassed that I live w/ my gf without being married. I have questions similar to yours. Unlike you, I'm willing to inconvenience my parents and make them feel bad in order to not rush into the biggest decision anyone can make. Your choices are to either move in together and find the answers to most of your questions, or accept whatever social norms you were raised with and flip a coin. Thanks. I really respect your choice and opinion. I wish I can get the courage to do that. But she would be against that in the first place which sucks....
I apologize for being rude. But nobody can help you but yourself. You've either got to make a decision to take action to answer your questions, or just accept whatever life your parents and gf have in mind for you.
Honestly, it sounds like your issue isn't so much with you and your gf, but that you were raised in a conservative culture and are now doubting if its right for you.
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On March 30 2012 02:50 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
I said my job is top 1% of my age group not my dream job.. count how many students graduate out of university each year. Now count how many of those make more than say 60k per year right off the bat. That is already top 1% of ALL graduates. Add in security and benefits and even more so.
As I read more posts from you guys I feel that you guys don't respect other cultures. This is supposed to be an international community. I've read many opinions on how you should live together blabla. I agree but I also gave u the reasoning why I cannot. There is no need to slam it on me that I live in the 50s. Please go read the Korean looks thread and such. We are frowned upon heavily and there are lots of negative views on such matter. This is the community I was born and raised in and I do not regret because there are many better things that you guys will never understand.
I am from Toronto and this city has to be the most multicultural city ever. At the same time itis most segregated as well. You go to school and look. Koreans Chinese Indians middleeasterns Russians everyone hangs out in their own group. The actually multicultural merging groups are minorities. Even at work it's heavily segregated. There is plenty of racism that just doesn't show on the outside. I've lived in Toronto suburbs and downtown for half of my life and this is what I see.
Despite the negativity it is a great city to live in and I can go to all kinds of restaurants. I plan on staying here because there is no reason to leave. I am content with an enjoyable happy life taking vacations to elsewhere every year. May not be most exciting but all my families are here and I like it this way.
I have tried to open up and accept many of your views. I want to do as such in some ways but there are constraints and choices and I ask that you guys respect at least that. Also it seems people are rather focusing on minor details than the main issue I wanted help with.
P.s. I don't understand why some people think I am trolling. Household work being one of the most important and time consuming part in daily life is unimportant? Isn't this something that you guys would check before marriage? If you have a lazy wife who doesn't wanna do any housework would you marry her? What is so troll about that??
From the first google result of "average starting salary for college grads 2011," I get this link that says average salary is somewhere around 50K. I don't really have the time to check a bunch of sources, but suffice to say that I'm not really convinced that 60K is necessarily top 1%. But, whatever, this ultimately isn't that important.
I'm not trying to disrespect your culture, I'm just saying I can't relate to it at all and as such can't give you any good advice, nor do I believe that the vast majority of the people on TL can either. With the limitations that you're allowing your culture and girlfriend to place on what you can and can't do before marriage, your hands are tied and you're basically forced to take a giant risk with marriage.
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On March 30 2012 02:57 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
For those going off topic or think that I am worried about some other things.. let me summarize.
We are in our mid twenties working and dated for long long time.
I am under pressure of giving her assurance of marriage very soon. I have postponed this long enough.
She wants to marry me but I am younger and I am afraid if I am making a premature decision on getting married. I love her but I have not lived long enough to have the actual knowledge of how other people are like. As I have known only people from school work, church, people from my old part time jobs and etc, I am asking if I should go with my feeling( which could be too rushed and I have fear that I am making this decision prematurely) or if I should wait til I'm older to see things more clearly.
I know several people who were married around age 23 or 24. I mentioned one of them before, but now I'll reference a couple others. One couple felt very secure and had no doubts about marriage and another couple took marriage as "the next logical step" and just did it.
The first couple is happily married, happy with their lives, and engage in activities both individually and as a couple. The second couple has many similar traits, but the wife has problems talking with her husband about emotional issues (he tries to analyze and solve instead of just listening). She is very stressed by this and it's already creating a rift between them.
Just like Focuspants said with his fiancee, you don't want there to be any doubts. The husband told me once that there was no doubt in his mind that this was the one for him and that he wasn't missing out on anything marrying her (on the contrary, marrying her brought a new level of fulfillment).
I'll also use myself as an example - my girlfriend wants me to move in with her, but I'm having doubts about it. There is a clash of ideals since she thinks it's just as natural as saying we're dating and I'm having issues because I believe moving in to be closely knit with "marriage-like" committal. I realized that if I didn't stay true to myself I would be doing both her and myself a disservice. I decided that I wouldn't take that step until I felt comfortable. She's not happy about it, almost to the point of breaking up, but if I move forward with this doubt it's not likely to end well for me.
If I were you, I would also wait until the doubt is cleared. Don't do it on your own - talk with her about it. Who knows, she may say something that clears up the doubt. I will say this though - getting married when both parties aren't 100% committed and comfortable is a recipe for disaster.
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EPT
