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On March 29 2012 08:06 StorkHwaiting wrote:
You're going to have a lot more problems in life than a girl if you're worried about "social death" and getting "mad pointed at." My advice is move to another city. You've got a lot of growing to do. From what you've written so far in this blog, it sounds like you're extremely sheltered and live in some kind of puritanical hell-hole from the early 1800's, the kind of place where people get burned at the stake for wearing different colored pants.
Also, your talk about generations and Asia is kind of bizarre. I know a number of Chinese girls in China, Taiwan, and Singapore who live with their boyfriends (some of them have multiple bf's. they hop from bed to bed through the week).
I've also known several Canadian-Chinese girls who live with their bf's. Their parents are aware of it and of course expect them to get married eventually but by no means are they or their parents ostracized from the community. Many of these girls are the daughters of wealthy and politically influential families, so it's not a "dirty girl from bad background" sort of thing.
And take it from a guy who dated a girl for 5 years then moved in together for 2 then broke up. Dating, no matter how close, is NOTHING like living together. What's mildly annoying at the moment becomes excruciating after living together. What's a straining point now, becomes a breaking point when you're FORCED to see each other night after night. Many coping mechanisms like a week of not talking or going out with friends for the weekend and forgetting each other are all useless when you are stuck sharing the same bed at night. It is totally not the same. And going by what you've said her current behavior is like, this girl is totally not ready for the strain of living together.
Remember, when you live together, she will always know when you come back from a strip club, casino, beach party, or any other assortment of fun things that help you get over wanting to throttle her. And her response will be to give you a new host of reasons to want to throttle her, thereby completely destroying the emotional progress you've just bought with time, money, and liver health.
Or I guess from what you've described of your life so far, instead of strip clubs and beaches, you go to libraries and family picnics. But fear not, it changes little what you do with your time away from her. She will relentlessly sniff out the aroma of crushed grass and freshly ziplocked turkey sandwiches on you and will proceed to screech at you like a harpy for having a grand old time while she languished in her emotional typhoon of misery. Then she will drown you in that misery of hers until you wish you could be an androgynous mannikin of a human being that never knew or cared for that peculiar creature known as woman.
Thanks Storkhwaiting,
Unfortunately, there really aren't people like that in my community. The only people I know that have or are living together are people from my work, and only white people at that. However, I agree and understand everything you say. I do think it is important, but yet again, it isn't something I can do, so I'd leave that out of the equation.
Social death and whatnot is not just an immature thing. You don't live in this world together. The children will grow up in the same community, at the same church, meeting nice, conservative yes, but loving people. I have been brought up to adulthood in a specific way just like you have and I thank my parents for that. I am not sheltered, I just have my view on the topic, and I am just not that type of person. I don't think you really have to worry about me being too sheltered; I am not.
Move to another city when you already have the BEST job you can possibly ask for that will give benefits for life and can't fire you until you retire is a stupid move. This is also a job that I specifically chose my courses and study area for, so there is no reason to move. It is not only me but her as well. It is not easy to find jobs at smaller cities and only option would be to go to the states, which I don't prefer
On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done.
Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older.
That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider.
lol. Thanks for the reminder, but I am OK with that. I will get old too, and I will see her for the way she is down the road. From what I've seen from my parents' generation, the type of love changes a bit as you grow older. I cannot express in english but there is this world called 정 in Korean. It is sort of like friendship/companionship, and often they say you can't break up because of all the 정. Of course, it's just one way of covering up that they love one another lol but it is a bit different. I don't think we need to discuss this though
On March 29 2012 12:52 Flaccid wrote:
This is in the top 1% of useless posts in blogs. I honestly don't know what you expect to gain from this, especially given that you appear to have already made up your mind and are only wasting your time arguing against (good) posts that aren't in line with your predisposed opinion and agreeing with (bad) posts which are. Meh.
This is in the top 1% of useless posts to the OP. I honestly don't know what you expect to gain from writing such a comment. I am asking for honest opinions and life experience from people who HAVE been through similar situations. I want to make this relationship work, and no, I am not wasting my time reading the comments from people who have put their effort into writing out their concerns and thoughts. Right or wrong is entirely subjective. Posts like yours is something I am wasting my time arguing against. Thanks though
On March 29 2012 14:14 Focuspants wrote:
I think I can offer some advice. I am 24 now, and am getting married in less than 3 months. I have been dating my fiancee since grade 12 (we went to the same highschool), so over 5 years now. We are both settling down right now as we get out of school. She is interviewing for teaching jobs, and her prospects look promising, and I am working for my dads company. So we are also stable like you seem to be.
Now, to deal with your decision of marriage or break up, here is my emotional experience, it seems to be very different from yours. We know we are young. A lot of people from outside our closest group of friends ask me why I would settle down so early. However, our friends are more than 100% behind us. I guess where it differs here, is that we share the same friends. We didnt have to take much time away from our social lives for our relationship, because we spent it together, and often times in the company of those close to us. Now, your friends seem to be viewing this idea of settling down quite negatively. You cant let them influence your decision. My friends obviously like my fiancee, as she is also their friend, and they couldnt imagine us not being together. I wouldnt let them pushing me to get married influence me (not that it was an issue that arose, im speaking hypothetically), just like I dont think you should let what your friends think influence you to not get married. No matter how much others say, including the advice me and others give you, nobody knows your relationship like you and your partner. Trust yourself.
In regards to the whole "I havent experienced the world" thought, the way I approached it with my fiancee, is that we would do that together. Nobody says you have to do that alone. In reality, if you dont do this with her, you will likely do it with friends. Your serious gf/fiancee/wife should also be your best friend. If you dont have the sense of friendship and love for experiencing the world as a couple, then something may be lacking. I love nothing more than to have my fiance there to travel with, to try new things with, be it something far away and crazy, or just something simple like trying to cook a new type of food. If you cant see yourself experiencing life, with that person next to you, then you should question whether or not you are truly meant to be together. Dont forget, when youre married, the idea is that they will be beside you until the day you no longer exist. Thats a long time. Theres two ways to look at that, thats a lot of time to experience life together, or thats a long time to have to spend together. If you think the latter, then you likely arent ready.
In my relationship, the idea of "getting married too young" has never been a factor. Were both adults, we love each other, theres nobody that makes me happier, and she feels the same. You cant start a marriage when there is doubt involved. You have to be willing to fully give yourself to the other person. Really, what I noticed, is that every big event, our 1 year anniversary, our engagement, etc... felt no different than the day before. That is how I think it should be if you fully love each other. The night I proposed, we were out partying in Vegas with another couple (two friends we spend a lot of time with), and they asked us about 3 or 4 hours after the engagement, "How does it feel!!!?!?!?" Our response was "it actually doesnt feel any different, were just excited for the future and all the things we will get to keep doing together". I am 100% sure that our wedding will feel the same. It will be a fun party, with all our closest friends and family, but we wont feel any different toward each other, because were both already "all in".
That being said, if you two love each other, I wouldnt throw it away for some undefined idea of greener pastures. The mind is naturally inquisitive, and you will always wonder what else is out there, but that doesnt mean that you will be able to find better. You might want to test out the waters, go on an adventure, go travel somewhere, do something crazy fun and exciting that you think you really want to do before you "settle down". Do something you want, and something she wants, but do it together. See if doing these things you imagined doing, feel "right" with the other person there. If you think she is really the one, but the timing isnt right, or you have some nervousness, throw yourselves out there, and at least give it the best shot you are capable of. You wont regret anything if you put everything you possibly could into it, and you exhausted all other avenues. If you just give up easily, you can likely end up regreting that decision for the rest of your life.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I hope you got something useful out of it. Either way, good luck and I wish you all the best.
Thanks alot Focuspants. First and foremost, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!! Your input is indeed something I have been looking for. This was really helpful and I will try to assert what you have mentioned into my life. I guess I have to figure out if the timing is right for me or if I have 'other' doubts in my mind.
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On March 29 2012 19:46 khaydarin9 wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 18:45 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 14:19 khaydarin9 wrote:On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider. ... what? I don't even ... Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old. Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point. Erm ok, misunderstanding here. Of course a man has to deal with a menopausing wife at SOME point, but the fact of the matter is, tons of successful men in their 40s or even 50s have younger (sometimes much younger) wives in their 20-30s while the opposite is not often true at all. Once a woman reaches her 40s, or even 30s by certain standards, she loses most of her appeal to men. Again, for men it's much different, just think of any of the male Hollywood celebrities in their middle ages; still secksy shmecksy, no? I've noticed this pervasive phenomenon with my time in China this year; most (90%+) of the younger female co-workers/friends that I've talked to, in their early-mid twenties, are looking to date men in their 30s or at least their late 20s. Of course values are different between person to person, but increasingly I've also found that most of my younger male friends are delaying marriage later and later, and this is backed up by statistics as well. So tentatively speaking for the majority of men, although I appreciate the importance of compatibility, I'm a horny creature, a prisoner of hormones and I would like my future wife to be both compatible with me and younger than me when I do marry her in my 30s. I'd like to not only love her as a life-long companion when I'm in my 40s in the psychological sense, but in the physical sense as well. Maybe I'm a little bit too pragmatic having been through quite a few relationships, but you can't deny the fact that physical appearance/sex appeal is an important part of relationships, especially the life-long one. What is precluding you from loving someone your own age when you're in your 40s? Because she may be going through menopause? I can't back this up with figures, but I would argue that the reason that women may be attracted to men who are older than them is because in contemporary society, older men tend to have more social stability (and/or status), and if you subscribe to biological determinism in any sense, stability is an attractive quality because it's a good environment in which to raise offspring. Conversely, as you say, men are attracted to younger women because, well, they're more attractive, which is an indicator of fertility and good genes, etc. So perhaps it's a little incongruent that physiologically speaking, women supposedly reach their sexual peak at an older age than men - so, theoretically, a couple would have the most compatible sex drive when the man is in his late teens/early-twenties and the woman is in her early thirties.
Sigh, you're still missing the point here so I'll put it very bluntly:
Let's say you're a man 30 years of age. When you're given a choice between marrying a 35 year old or 25 year old given equal compatibility, which would you prefer? Let's say you're 30 and you married a 35 year old, if you were given a magical wish to make your wife 10 years younger, would you not take it? Some may prefer older women; but most prefer younger ones, I don't think there's an argument here.
In essence: testosterone is a pretty powerful hormone, its levels in men drop with age but it's not until you're an (really) old man that you stop wanting to have sex. Would you rather fuck a 30 year old woman when you're 40, or a 50 year old one? When given the chance to choose NOW (billions of choices here), WHY NOT choose someone who's both compatible and younger than you over someone who's compatible but older?
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United States22883 Posts
He's talking about a 2 year difference, not a 20 year difference. The issues with a 20 year difference are far greater than when she'll hit menopause relative to your libido.
The idea of "prisoner of hormones" is a whole bunch of bullshit, unless you're literally going through puberty. If you're in a good relationship, you'd still be attracted to each other. The idea that female sex drives curbs off simply because of an age is a myth. Any nursing home horror stories will tell you that - there's an STD problem in nursing homes now.
http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2011-04-18/health/os-seniors-stds-rise-20110416_1_std-cases-syphilis-and-chlamydia-seniors
The sex won't stop, unless it had already stopped for other reasons (the incompatibility.) The hormonal problems that do exist are for both men and women and there's drugs for both men and women.
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On March 29 2012 14:19 khaydarin9 wrote:
... what? I don't even ...
Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old.
Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point.
You are right khaydarin. As we grow older, the age gap is almost non existent and is of no concern. However, when we started dating, she was like 20 and I was 18. I would say that is a huge gap of 2 years of life at that age. My parents disliked this when we began going out, but when I hit around 21, they became supportive of us. I'm not worried about growing old together! It is inevitable!
On March 29 2012 20:17 affinity_12 wrote:
To the OP: if it's too early for you, then postpone marriage. If the woman you're with truly loves you then she will respect your decision and stay with you. You don't want to fall into the trap of relationship problems from marrying too early just for the sake of it. You have to have a level of control and realize that this is a significant decision. If you have no control over the situation, then there's a high possibility that things won't work out well after marriage.
As much as I want to, she wants to get married at 28/29 ish and that is only a couple years left. If I don't give her assurance of marriage, things will probably fall apart (I really have taken a chunk of her time, and vice versa). This is really about me but to me, about her as well. I am going to give it a hard thought and make a decision in the upcoming week.
ANYONE KNOW HOW TO NEST QUOTES?? 
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You sound extremly arrogant, immature and most of it, much of a prick.
Sorry.
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On March 29 2012 21:37 Boonbag wrote:
You sound extremly arrogant, immature and most of it, much of a prick.
Sorry.
Thanks. I don't think I ever asked for your puny opinion on how you think about me.
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On March 29 2012 21:37 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 21:37 Boonbag wrote:
You sound extremly arrogant, immature and most of it, much of a prick.
Sorry. Thanks. I don't think I ever asked for your puny opinion on how you think about me.
I don't think much of it, its just the way your op sounds.
this especially :
"1. My girlfriend and I would be considered a top 1% in our age group in income, specs, and visuals. This means we can get married if we wanted to, as we can support ourselves no problem, but also, if we seek new opportunities, we would have 0 difficulties in doing so.
2. My lifelong friends who always gives good and honest opinions have always supported our relationship, but now that we are facing these kind of issues (decision on marriage), they say I have more than enough potential to go even bigger, and that I should not settle down at such young age. My parents also wants me to look for more opportunities in life, that I have settled down too quickly, and have not lived up to my full potential."
Every single word in it just goes to show at best how mentally young you are.
The way you picture your relationship is high school level, so talking about getting married is quite fun.
Besides that, you don't 'get married" or "break up".
First off you can live with someone even your entire life without beeing married to him / her. This already voids quite a bit the whole dilemna (unless you're a religious folk).
Secondly, thinking about breaking up beeing the only alternative to getting married is a tad extreme (could actually mean you're not mature enough to engage yourself with someone of a more lengthy period).
Your so-called "self potential" has pretty much nothing to do with your love life (unless you suffer from a massive sexual / self confidence nevrosis).
At last, the way you see it, and how it looks, feels more like you're afraid somewhat, of not beeing able to keep her (maybe you don't even realise it, but you express pretty clearly the fear).
Maybe you feel like you need to break up, for these various reasons, because its a way to supress the fear I spoke about and actually "change" out that jerk like full of himself thing that carries your post (aka in meeting other persons and opening yourself to someone else than the single person that makes you feel yourself as a whole).
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On March 29 2012 21:40 Boonbag wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 21:37 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:On March 29 2012 21:37 Boonbag wrote:
You sound extremly arrogant, immature and most of it, much of a prick.
Sorry. Thanks. I don't think I ever asked for your puny opinion on how you think about me. I don't think much of it, its just the way your op sounds. this especially : "1. My girlfriend and I would be considered a top 1% in our age group in income, specs, and visuals. This means we can get married if we wanted to, as we can support ourselves no problem, but also, if we seek new opportunities, we would have 0 difficulties in doing so. 2. My lifelong friends who always gives good and honest opinions have always supported our relationship, but now that we are facing these kind of issues (decision on marriage), they say I have more than enough potential to go even bigger, and that I should not settle down at such young age. My parents also wants me to look for more opportunities in life, that I have settled down too quickly, and have not lived up to my full potential." Every single word in it just goes to show at best how mentally young you are. The way you picture your relationship is high school level, so talking about getting married is quite fun. Besides that, you don't 'get married" or "break up". First off you can live with someone even your entire life without beeing married to him / her. This already voids quite a bit the whole dilemna (unless you're a religious folk). Secondly, thinking about breaking up beeing the only alternative to getting married is a tad extreme (could actually mean you're not mature enough to engage yourself with someone of a more lengthy period). Your so-called "self potential" has pretty much nothing to do with your love life (unless you suffer from a massive sexual / self confidence nevrosis). At last, the way you see it, and how it looks, feels more like you're afraid somewhat, of not beeing able to keep her (maybe you don't even realise it, but you express pretty clearly the fear). Maybe you feel like you need to break up, for these various reasons, because its a way to supress the fear I spoke about and actually "change" out that jerk like full of himself thing that carries your post (aka in meeting other persons and opening yourself to someone else than the single person that makes you feel yourself as a whole)..
so... you write without much thinking without reading the entire thread. Sounds extremely stupid, immature and most of it, much of a prick. Keep your opinion to yourself, and I guess in your view, stating my financial situation to back up that I am 'capable' of getting married in a marriage thread is arrogant. From almost all marriage related threads I've read over the course of my life, (Many apart from TL) all the OP states their, and spouses' specs and general financial info.
No, every single word in there just factually states what situation I am in. This is not what I think, this is what it is. And these were written to give an idea of the fundamentals that I have that will prevent the questions of "Aren't you too young to be getting married financially?"
I have stated this already in other posts, but of course, you are too ignorant to mention that. Now tell me, are you qualified to say I am mentally young and that the marriage we have been considering (for more than a year) is a what? highschool level? That is straight up insulting
1. Living together for your life without getting married, you do that. I don't want to do that. I find that extremely stupid. What are you going to tell your kid when he asks you, "why aren't you guys married?". What do you gain from NOT getting married if you are going to live with her? Is this sort of like an open relationship? You have all of that, I am too conservative to even consider such an option. Most of all, she would be extremely offended.
2. No, breakup or marriage is not extreme. I have again stated in detail what SITUATION I am in, hence why I stated everything there that you THINK is arrogant. She is OLDER than me wanting to get married SOON. I have been in relationship for like 5 years now and you say I am not mature enough to engage in a lengthy period? I have to make the decision soon (because she wants assurance), I don't think you understand the point of this thread at all.. if you are going to troll, do it elsewhere
I don't fear for the breakup. It is what it will be if I cannot give her the assurance. I have accepted that and I am trying to make a sane decision. Potential isn't something that I thought of, it is what I have heard from everyone. It matters not to the decision that I will make regarding our relationship.
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haha it's funny how different cultural viewpoints clash. The whole "sex before marriage" and 동거 (living together before marriage) issues are usually frowned upon in Korean culture, and it's not as rare as in the west to find a Korean girl who doesn't want to do either before marriage. You guys just need to realize that cultures can have different viewpoints on these topics.
I myself am with an older gf (I'm 28 she's 30) and it's been only a year, but she is just as how you describe your gf (except she's atheist and cooks some boss korean food :D ). I feel like she's my best friend and I would be torn up if I lost her. As someone else has already said, if you have no doubts that you want to experience the world with her instead of bemoaning about how long you have to spend time solely with her, then you should think about committing to her. Otherwise you aren't ready or should move on to someone else. I know I'm not ready atm, but I feel like I'll have to face the same questions later down the road (maybe next year?) so this thread has been quite useful in learning about what people think regarding this. Whatever you decide, you should have no doubts about it and have conviction that it's the right decision. GL~
p.s. The way you portray your friends as manwhores who bang anything that moves, it seems not surprising that they oppose your choice of settling down.
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On March 29 2012 21:46 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 21:40 Boonbag wrote:On March 29 2012 21:37 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:On March 29 2012 21:37 Boonbag wrote:
You sound extremly arrogant, immature and most of it, much of a prick.
Sorry. Thanks. I don't think I ever asked for your puny opinion on how you think about me. I don't think much of it, its just the way your op sounds. this especially : "1. My girlfriend and I would be considered a top 1% in our age group in income, specs, and visuals. This means we can get married if we wanted to, as we can support ourselves no problem, but also, if we seek new opportunities, we would have 0 difficulties in doing so. 2. My lifelong friends who always gives good and honest opinions have always supported our relationship, but now that we are facing these kind of issues (decision on marriage), they say I have more than enough potential to go even bigger, and that I should not settle down at such young age. My parents also wants me to look for more opportunities in life, that I have settled down too quickly, and have not lived up to my full potential." Every single word in it just goes to show at best how mentally young you are. The way you picture your relationship is high school level, so talking about getting married is quite fun. so... you write without much thinking without reading the entire thread. Sounds extremely stupid, immature and most of it, much of a prick. Keep your opinion to yourself, and I guess in your view, stating my financial situation to back up that I am 'capable' of getting married in a marriage thread is arrogant. From almost all marriage related threads I've read over the course of my life, (Many apart from TL) all the OP states their, and spouses' specs and general financial info. No, every single word in there just factually states what situation I am in. This is not what I think, this is what it is. And these were written to give an idea of the fundamentals that I have that will prevent the questions of "Aren't you too young to be getting married financially?" I have stated this already in other posts, but of course, you are too ignorant to mention that. Now tell me, are you qualified to say I am mentally young and that the marriage we have been considering (for more than a year) is a what? highschool level? That is straight up insulting
You don't need to browse internet forums to make yourself an opinion about marrying someone.
Marrying isn't a skill or a job or a college assignement !
The only question you ask really here is "Am I too young to get married ?"
Common answer would usually given your age / location / culture / life experience tend to be "yes".
At your age, usually the idea of marriage you have is "candid". But "marriage" is a very outdated institution.
What you should first and foremost consider are your feelings towards the person and just living with him/ her.
Everything else than that, course of life will take care of and bring you upon making decisions.
But the way you formulate your dilemna is pretty much something you force upon your couple more than anything else (and that's why its so extreeme.)
edit : you're already "way too conservative" lol. Oh, nvm then !
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On March 29 2012 21:55 spacemonkey4eve wrote:
haha it's funny how different cultural viewpoints clash. The whole "sex before marriage" and 동거 (living together before marriage) issues are usually frowned upon in Korean culture, and it's not as rare as in the west to find a Korean girl who doesn't want to do either before marriage. You guys just need to realize that cultures can have different viewpoints on these topics.
I myself am with an older gf (I'm 28 she's 30) and it's been only a year, but she is just as how you describe your gf (except she's atheist and cooks some boss korean food :D ). I feel like she's my best friend and I would be torn up if I lost her. As someone else has already said, if you have no doubts that you want to experience the world with her instead of bemoaning about how long you have to spend time solely with her, then you should think about committing to her. Otherwise you aren't ready or should move on to someone else. I know I'm not ready atm, but I feel like I'll have to face the same questions later down the road (maybe next year?) so this thread has been quite useful in learning about what people think regarding this. Whatever you decide, you should have no doubts about it and have conviction that it's the right decision. GL~
p.s. The way you portray your friends as manwhores who bang anything that moves, it seems not surprising that they oppose your choice of settling down.
Ha, you are correct about that! Really, it is the culture that leaves that out of the equation for us. Most of all, SHE would be against living together.
This thread has progressed much since the opening post, and I have learned much from reading many of the great comments. As I am spending more of my alone time, I am seeing how important she is to me and of course she is my best friend. I am just stressed out of the fact that I have to make a decision soon, and I feel that we are still not ready 100%, (although getting there) but we know we would be great together until the end of time. I hope you make a great decision too. Can't go wrong with beautiful Korean women who cooks boss Korean food :O SO JEALOUS!! xD
p.s. my friends being manwhores... was a reply to some people mentioning their friends are animals sleeping with different women every night. They aren't really manwhores like this except one of them which I pretty much ignore the opinion of. Others get into flurry of short/long term relationships and tend to give opinions from their heart.
On March 29 2012 21:56 Boonbag wrote:
You don't need to browse internet forums to make yourself an opinion about marrying someone.
Marrying isn't a skill or a job or a college assignement !
The only question you ask really here is "Am I too young to get married ?"
Common answer would usually given your age / location / culture / life experience tend to be "yes".
At your age, usually the idea of marriage you have is "candid". But "marriage" is a very outdated institution.
What you should first and foremost consider are your feelings towards the person and just living with him/ her.
Everything else than that, course of life will take care of and bring you upon making decisions.
But the way you formulate your dilemna is pretty much something you force upon your couple more than anything else (and that's why its so extreeme.)
edit : you're already "way too conservative" lol. Oh, nvm then !
See, if you post threads like this, we can have some mature discussions about the matter.
Marrying isn't a skill of course, but that is your opinion that one does not need to get opinions on marrying someone. I certainly have learned much about what people go through and what people did in a similar situations like me. Would you say all the posts in this thread coming from already married people are useless?
Marriage is a very important cornerstone in our culture. Again, this is really more for her than me, and I have to respect that. I don't mind for god's sake if I be a cheapass and do a wedding with only a couple of friends. But I won't because she wants marriage to be memorable, with everyone we know attending and blessing us. Everyone has different opinions and wants on the matter, and 'marriage' happens to be very symbolic to us. You think it is an outdated institution and I get where you are coming from. I shouldn't be bound the the fact of getting married, but instead consider my feeling towards her. I entirely agree because although this is marriage/breakup topic, it really depends on whether I love her or not. However, end result is the same nonetheless..
I plan too much about my future. So when I make a decision, I try to go down the least damaging path (or most efficient), regardless of life decision, job, etc. Seems like a really strict, boring life, but that is the way I am. So it is really hard for me to leave everything to the course of life to flow naturally. We will have to see.
Edit: spell check and thanks for your input.
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On March 29 2012 21:15 EngrishTeacher wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2012 19:46 khaydarin9 wrote:On March 29 2012 18:45 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 14:19 khaydarin9 wrote:On March 29 2012 12:21 EngrishTeacher wrote:On March 29 2012 01:36 FractalsOnFire wrote:On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote:
Holy shit 5 years and no sex?
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith.
Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. Yah, a few quadrillion times easier said than done. Also, OP should keep in mind that his GF is 2 years older. That doesn't seem like too much of a factor now, but 10-20 years down the road... when he's in his 30-40s and successful, having an old aging wife in menopause could affect his relationship. As shallow as this fact seems to be, it is something to consider. ... what? I don't even ... Presumably, men and women both age over time, so when she's old, he'll be old; while she's ageing, he'll be ageing. I might even dare to say that just as you're predicting his success, she might also be successful. If I were a true radical, I would posit the idea that the age gap might become less of an issue as they grow old (together!) - a 45 year old and a 43 year old are likely to be closer to the same place in life than they, say, an 18 year old and a 16 year old. Also, unless you're a gay man, your long-term relationship is probably going to have to deal with menopause at some point. Erm ok, misunderstanding here. Of course a man has to deal with a menopausing wife at SOME point, but the fact of the matter is, tons of successful men in their 40s or even 50s have younger (sometimes much younger) wives in their 20-30s while the opposite is not often true at all. Once a woman reaches her 40s, or even 30s by certain standards, she loses most of her appeal to men. Again, for men it's much different, just think of any of the male Hollywood celebrities in their middle ages; still secksy shmecksy, no? I've noticed this pervasive phenomenon with my time in China this year; most (90%+) of the younger female co-workers/friends that I've talked to, in their early-mid twenties, are looking to date men in their 30s or at least their late 20s. Of course values are different between person to person, but increasingly I've also found that most of my younger male friends are delaying marriage later and later, and this is backed up by statistics as well. So tentatively speaking for the majority of men, although I appreciate the importance of compatibility, I'm a horny creature, a prisoner of hormones and I would like my future wife to be both compatible with me and younger than me when I do marry her in my 30s. I'd like to not only love her as a life-long companion when I'm in my 40s in the psychological sense, but in the physical sense as well. Maybe I'm a little bit too pragmatic having been through quite a few relationships, but you can't deny the fact that physical appearance/sex appeal is an important part of relationships, especially the life-long one. What is precluding you from loving someone your own age when you're in your 40s? Because she may be going through menopause? I can't back this up with figures, but I would argue that the reason that women may be attracted to men who are older than them is because in contemporary society, older men tend to have more social stability (and/or status), and if you subscribe to biological determinism in any sense, stability is an attractive quality because it's a good environment in which to raise offspring. Conversely, as you say, men are attracted to younger women because, well, they're more attractive, which is an indicator of fertility and good genes, etc. So perhaps it's a little incongruent that physiologically speaking, women supposedly reach their sexual peak at an older age than men - so, theoretically, a couple would have the most compatible sex drive when the man is in his late teens/early-twenties and the woman is in her early thirties. Sigh, you're still missing the point here so I'll put it very bluntly: Let's say you're a man 30 years of age. When you're given a choice between marrying a 35 year old or 25 year old given equal compatibility, which would you prefer? Let's say you're 30 and you married a 35 year old, if you were given a magical wish to make your wife 10 years younger, would you not take it? Some may prefer older women; but most prefer younger ones, I don't think there's an argument here. In essence: testosterone is a pretty powerful hormone, its levels in men drop with age but it's not until you're an (really) old man that you stop wanting to have sex. Would you rather fuck a 30 year old woman when you're 40, or a 50 year old one? When given the chance to choose NOW (billions of choices here), WHY NOT choose someone who's both compatible and younger than you over someone who's compatible but older?
Seriously, what does age have to do with anything? What does the amount of days of someone has been alive on this planet have to do with the relationship? You don't seemed concerned about psychological age, or experience, or maturity, so it seems you're referring exclusively to biological age. You haven't, perhaps surprisingly, raised reproductive value as an issue, so clearly that's not what you're attempting to address.
My guess? You're talking about age, but what you're really referring to is sex appeal and perhaps also sex drive. So it's not a matter of choosing someone who has had fewer days on the planet than you, over someone who has had more days on the planet than you, it's about choosing someone who is more attractive over less attractive. Which makes for a plausible argument when you frame it like that, but then, when you think about it, it doesn't actually have anything to do with the OP's issue (or non-issue, from where I stand) of being two years younger than his partner.
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On March 27 2012 11:57 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
I want to ask you TLers who have dated for a very long time since young age, how you guys kept it going, how did you resist all the temptation, without having experienced the world at all (pretty much knew one girl for the whole time). If there are any highschool sweethearts, you guys can probably tell me a perfect example of how you guys managed. And for those that decided to break up, how did it end for you guys? Was it for the similar reasons? How did life fare for you afterwards?
I can't speak for myself, but I can speak for others:
A friend dated the same girl all throughout college. He was a year older. They got married after he graduated with a decent job. When she graduates this year her job will require him to relocate. In the process of all this he turned down his dream job 1200 miles away and ruined any chance of getting a Masters degree before the age of 30. He wishes he still had the chance.
You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You're either going to wind up like this guy or the other poster who said he's alone with videogames. Part of committing yourself to one person for a lifetime means you're giving up other women, not necessarily life experiences. However, if you want to have a bunch of new life experiences it has to be on BOTH terms, not just your own. If you're not ready to give up that freedom or there are experiences you still want to chase then you really should go for them. It will not be how you planned, but at least you'll know. Moving to a new city after college isn't all it's cracked up to be either. It's a lot of "go to work, come home, play videogames, fall asleep". Finding somewhere you fit in can be very difficult.
If you haven't already, talk to your girlfriend about all these new experiences you want to have and see if she's on board.
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One day, I'll make a book out of all the girls blog on TL. I'm going to be rich ...
What strikes me in your post is that you employ qualitative adjectives to describe yourself and your girlfriend such as "potentiel", "top 1%", "settle down" or "go bigger". You might want to think about what you wants to be/represent, not what you want to have/possess.
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The truth is all men ask this insanely selfish question "Can I do better?"
It is a very taunting question that drives apart marriages and destroys families.
The only way to answer it is to have enough life experience: i.e. go out, explore your dating options.
Men who settle very early on in their lifetime tend to have this problem most often.
If you're having second thoughts, it's best to wait.
Marriage is a commitment, and if you cannot say "til death do us part"
then don't.
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United States22883 Posts
I'll just be honest and say being in the same community with the same person with the same job and same lifestyle since your inception sounds incredibly depressing to me.
I'm more turned off by your community than anything about her. :|
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Calgary25954 Posts
On March 29 2012 22:39 Otolia wrote:
One day, I'll make a book out of all the girls blog on TL. I'm going to be rich ...
What strikes me in your post is that you employ qualitative adjectives to describe yourself and your girlfriend such as "potentiel", "top 1%", "settle down" or "go bigger". You might want to think about what you wants to be/represent, not what you want to have/possess.
I'd buy that book before I bought any book on Starcraft. Wouldn't be able to put it down 
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If you actually care for each other and can live together, then marriage won't change anything; all it does is slap a label on your relationship that gives you a few more rights in the eyes of the government that you wouldn't have otherwise. You don't derive the worth of your relationship from some guy telling you, congrats, you're married!
The thing that will change is that you two will live together, and that will definitely have more of an effect than getting "married." But since you're not moving in with her until you're married, you won't know how compatible you are until it's (potentially) too late.
Additionally, you're always going to have thoughts about "what if?" no matter what you choose. What if I married her? What if I didn't marry her? What if I moved in with her beforehand? What if, what if, what if. It's not going to go away. The most you can do is learn to live with it. (Some people don't live with the "what if" syndrome, of course, or they develop it later on in life, but you seem to be one of those who're stricken by it.)
On March 30 2012 00:38 Jibba wrote:
I'll just be honest and say being in the same community with the same person with the same job and same lifestyle since your inception sounds incredibly depressing to me.
Also, I agree so much with this. It's depressing just thinking about it. I'm not the biggest fan of hard, fast change, but dear lord, some change would be fine, and living in the same area for that many years is not my idea of a great life. I'd get too itchy.
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On March 30 2012 00:38 Jibba wrote:
I'll just be honest and say being in the same community with the same person with the same job and same lifestyle since your inception sounds incredibly depressing to me.
I'm more turned off by your community than anything about her. :|
haha. maybe she really is good girl then
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On March 29 2012 04:35 ExceeD_DreaM wrote:
If I do decide to get married though, I am quite worried about cooking and household work. She is a career woman type, so she is busy at work all the time, at home or at office. I am more relaxed working type, working a secure but boring job. So this might be something I might have to sacrifise (Doing more household work myself) to make things work, because I can't stand the house being dirty. An ideal wife for me would be a career woman that also loves cooking... she fits almost all criteria but she hates cooking. If she enjoys cooking, I told her that I could do all the laundry, vacuuming, dish washing.. etc. This is something I really wanna check before getting married, and it is really too bad that living together isn't an option for me.
I really, really hope you are trolling. If you're not, then I find it quite fitting you haven't gotten laid in 5 years.
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EPT
