I don't have the time to make a coherent argument; but holy fucking shit - marriage is not the 'end of fun' or the 'be all and end all of your life' - marriage is about coming together with the person you couldn't imagine being without. If you are thinking about all these 'great' things to do but can't picture doing them with your partner then i don't think you're mature enough marriage. It's about accepting that you are mature enough to realise that "wanting what you can't have" is a constant but being so damn happy about what you have that it doesn't ever bother you.
I just got married at the age of 22; all my friends are single, they go travelling every year all over the world and fuck everything and everyone, take drugs, party, explore, trek, adventure the whole shabang! Am i jealous? No! Because i am complete; i have the one i love for the rest of my life and NOTHING in this world can compare to that feeling. If i want to travel or have new experiences i sure as fuck don't want to do it alone - i want to share these new experiences with my soul mate.
When pressed with a tough decision it is only natural to consider both sides of the equation; it is perfectly logical to think these things through but i would urge you seriously contemplate your future with this woman and how perfect you think it'd be.
I'm 22, turning 23 on June 1st. My fiancee is 26, turning 27 on October 23rd - we have been engaged since December 2011.
I think you really need to figure out this problem (duh, right?) because you're doing a great disservice to your potential wife if you get married while you still have great reservations, hoping that this feeling will just go away. I think it would be irresponsible and selfish to get married while you're still troubled about this problem.
As to your actual feelings, I've had similar thoughts. As a 22 year old, I'm fairly young and I didn't have many relationships - I've had three girlfriends in my life (my fiancee is my third). The first time I had sex was with my now-fiancee. When I was thinking of proposing to her I had reservations. On the one hand I loved my girlfriend, but on the other hand, was I settling down too early? Should I date more women before deciding to get married? My friends and even my mother asked me if I was okay with the choice of only having sex with one woman? I struggled with this for about a month or two.
Ultimately I decided that those concerns were unimportant. I love my fiancee and she makes me happy, I can't imagine my life without her, she's my best friend and very supportive - she's everything I want. There is a possibility that there's another girl I could meet who could be even better for me, maybe this woman is more attractive, cooks better, isn't quite as emotional etc, but together my fiancee and I have grown a level of respect and love for each other that couldn't be matched by another woman. Maybe if I had met this hypothetical girl at the same time I met my now-fiancee, I would have chosen the other girl, but as it is I dated my fiancee and we've grown to need each other.
All this being said, I understand the point my friends were making (and that yours are seemingly making), it seems like at such a young age you should be exploring your options, but who's to say that you didn't meet a girl who is perfect for you quicker than most would? Most people have to search around before they find someone they are so compatible with they want to marry - but that doesn't have to be the case for everyone, so to break up with a girl because you think you haven't 'explored' enough is silly in my opinion. There shouldn't be a baseline level of exploration that you need to meet before you marry a girl, you explore until you find someone who's right.
It seems like you have a lot of thinking to do. Either you can come to terms with your feelings and have a marriage with this woman, or you're going to be haunted by this, in which case you shouldn't get married. I think you should continue to date while you explore this, but if you break up, make sure you do it because there's something about your girlfriend that doesn't make you happy, not because of some arbitrary judgement that you haven't explored enough.
On March 27 2012 14:26 bkrow wrote:I just got married at the age of 22; all my friends are single, they go travelling every year all over the world and fuck everything and everyone, take drugs, party, explore, trek, adventure the whole shabang! Am i jealous? No! Because i am complete; i have the one i love for the rest of my life and NOTHING in this world can compare to that feeling.
This is what you need to feel in my opinion before you propose. I have friends who fuck different women every night, go to parties all the time, are travelling across Europe yet they're jealous of me because I've found someone who completes me. That's better than any other experience.
On March 27 2012 14:26 bkrow wrote: I don't have the time to make a coherent argument; but holy fucking shit - marriage is not the 'end of fun' or the 'be all and end all of your life' - marriage is about coming together with the person you couldn't imagine being without. If you are thinking about all these 'great' things to do but can't picture doing them with your partner then i don't think you're mature enough marriage. It's about accepting that you are mature enough to realise that "wanting what you can't have" is a constant but being so damn happy about what you have that it doesn't ever bother you.
I just got married at the age of 22; all my friends are single, they go travelling every year all over the world and fuck everything and everyone, take drugs, party, explore, trek, adventure the whole shabang! Am i jealous? No! Because i am complete; i have the one i love for the rest of my life and NOTHING in this world can compare to that feeling. If i want to travel or have new experiences i sure as fuck don't want to do it alone - i want to share these new experiences with my soul mate.
When pressed with a tough decision it is only natural to consider both sides of the equation; it is perfectly logical to think these things through but i would urge you seriously contemplate your future with this woman and how perfect you think it'd be.
People like you warm my heart. Reading this is exactly what I needed to hear before I go to bed tonight. It's really reassuring and I can't thank you enough. <3 I wish you a long and happy life with her. I'm not in any sort of similar situation, but I am dating someone I would like to marry in the future. I've been with him since I was 17 3/4. I just turned 20, I'm a year and a half older than him. I'm not sure he sees it the exact same way I do, and there is a chance he may see this, but I know he is the person I want to marry.
@OP: Do you want to marry her? Can you see yourself starting a family with her, growing old together, etc? Considering you said you've already made up your mind, I'm assuming the answer to the other questions is no.
Also, not to be a negative nancy, but if she doesn't believe in evolution, that doesn't bode for the future methinks. Assuming she's not simply ignorant of the matter and has actually considered the facts and rejected them, to me, that indicates someone who is narrow-minded, stubborn, inflexible, and/or overly religious.
Umm...so if you don't believe in "evolution" it means they're stubborn? Sorry, but um, a lot of people believe in different things, and not believing in evolution doesn't make them any worse...
You truly do not understand evolution. Its not a matter of believing or not, it's there whether you think its real or a big lie.
But I still feel like I haven’t experienced my life to the fullest. I feel really guilty about this because I love her more than anything else, but I really have not seen the world yet. I’ve failed at networking with many friends because I dated her right after coming into university. I have the ability to have as much fun as I want, date as many girls as I want. The typical “Finding the grass that is greener” thought is really haunting me.
I think you answered things yourself in the part I bolded/underlined.
If you're seriously doubting so much whether you 'should' marry or completely break up with her, you're probably not all that happy being with her? I can't imagine marrying someone if I were constantly asking myself, 'is this really the right thing to do?' about it, really. :p
Just ask yourself one question. Could you see yourself without her in your life? Or better yet, could you see her with someone else? I personally don't believe in marriage, I think it's just an outdated social obligation that fucks you in the end if you break up.
Thank you guys for all your inputs. I have read them all thoroughly but I cannot respond in more detail at the moment because I am at work. I will try to do this later tonight.
As for the general question of "can I see myself living my life with her til the end of time", "starting a family together" and etc, yes and yes. We have talked and planned and thought about our marriage in detail. I will have to talk to her in a few days when I cool down a bit more. I hope all this thoughts are coming back to me because I am angry at her at the moment. Wantng to experience my life more was something I overcame (or thought I did) while ago, but it looks like it came back after the fight.
If you marry her, you will always regret that you didn't see what else was out there. If you don't marry her, you will regret it forever when you realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Either way, you'll regret something. You need to learn to live without regret.
You clearly aren't ready for marriage. Walk away and revisit the idea later on in life when you're emotionally mature enough that the prospect of living your life for another person actually excites you and gives you purpose rather than spawning a blog on a website for videogames.
I had a somewhat similar situation in college... started dating a girl my freshman year and stuck with her all throughout college and then did long distance with her for another 3.5 years (really stupid, don't do distance kids) before I finally broke things off. That breakup was 5 months ago and I haven't really been with anyone since and to be completely honest with you, I don't regret a thing. Fact of the matter is that I felt stuck in my relationship because of how much time and effort I had put into it all and getting out of it was incredibly liberating and awesome for me (once I got over the initial sadness).
For your case... well, I don't want to say that you're crazy for considering marriage before sex, but at the same time, the issue seems to be bothering you. It would be one thing if you weren't thinking about whether the grass is greenier or talking on an online forum about how you haven't had sex with her, but the fact that it's an issue for you is a red flag to me that this just isn't something you should go into a marriage without doing. There is good sex and bad sex and women who want to have sex often enough for you and women who don't want to have sex often enough for you. Not knowing your sexual compatibility before marriage and then assuming that everything'll be ok once you say "I do" is naive and a recipe for disaster.
Also, if your friends are advising you against staying with her, that tells me that they probably see that you aren't as happy as you've convinced yourself that you are. You keep saying she's perfect for you, but then also bring up issues with her and point out how your friends think you should move on. Friends don't tell their friends to move on when they've found the perfect girl, they tell you to move on when they notice that you're stuck in a rut and think you can do better. If these are friends that you trust and they're telling you to get out, chances are that they're seeing something you're not.
Ultimately though, you really need to take WaveOfShadow's advice and take a step back and try to be objective about analyzing your relationship. You've been in it for a long time and it's easy to lose perspective when you're that committed to someone (I know I did). I'm trying to point out the warning signs I'm seeing, but really this is your decision and your life and only you can make the right decision here. Just make sure you take a good hard look at it and be honest with yourself before you commit yourself to this woman for the rest of your life.
I cannot imagine marrying somebody without living with them first, let alone having sex. You will learn things about her that you cannot find out any other way, and I can almost guarantee that within 6-12 months you will feel much more comfortable about either getting married or breaking up.
But, your girl probably won't do it. So, I would bail and bang all the chicks you should have been banging the last 5 years.
Like others have said, the no sex/not living together for 5 years is a huge issue.
I know it seems shallow, but it really isn't. That would be like buying a car before you ever test drove it. I know it's an overused analogy, but it works. Sex is an important part of marriage, as well as how well you two live together. I wouldn't marry any girl without having done both(or at least spend a lot of time staying at each others' places). You honestly don't know what your married life would be like with this girl. Relationships comletely change when you add those factors in, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Don't commit to such an unknown, imo.
I know she has reasons (probably religous) for not wanting to have sex before marriage, but honestly, that is a stupid, outdated custom (again, imo). If she is unwilling to compromise on these issues (which seem important to you), it might be time to move on. I would suggest not making a decision one way or another for at least a week or so, though.
1. My girlfriend and I would be considered a top 1% in our age group in income, specs, and visuals. This means we can get married if we wanted to, as we can support ourselves no problem, but also, if we seek new opportunities, we would have 0 difficulties in doing so.
Seems a shame to throw away 5 years. The grass isn't always greener, cliche etc, but you gotta do what you gotta do. You might just not be thinking straight after 5 years of being in your late teens early twenties and not getting any. Maybe you should think on it for another week. I get the feeling you might regret ending things.
I'm 25 and DID date a lot of people before meeting my fiance. It was a very easy decision for me to ask her to marry me because of the experiences I've had in other relationships. Sometimes I felt like the relationship was stale with previous girlfriends but would hang on because of how much time was invested. Eventually I ended those relationships and I'm really glad I did. Think about it this way... If you're unsure and she wants babies and marrage and all that then you're wasting her time. It's going to take her maybe another year after you break up to be ready to get married again. And once you break up your relationship will never be the same. There's nothing worse in a relationship than warmed over love. If you're ready to have her totally out of your life foreverrrrtrr then be fair to her and break up. I guarentee you'll be crying to have her back when you realize how sucky most people that are single at 25 are.
EPT
