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Hot_Bid
Braavos36402 Posts
1. My girlfriend and I would be considered a top 1% in our age group in income, specs, and visuals. This means we can get married if we wanted to, as we can support ourselves no problem, but also, if we seek new opportunities, we would have 0 difficulties in doing so. whoa there humble bear, don't sell yourself short | ||
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hazelynut
United States2196 Posts
and then you'll regret it and she won't take you back but you can probably settle with something you don't mind | ||
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KurtistheTurtle
United States1966 Posts
The answer was something right in front of me but something I didn't expect. It also dealt with issues I didn't think were even related. It's because I chose not to be fully committed that I wasn't. You can concentrate on what you have, or what you don't have. When you concentrate on what you don't have, it generates desire and resentment. When you concentrate on what you have, it generates contentment and happiness. Obviously, one is more beneficial than the other. Now in my case, I concentrated on all the opportunities that my girlfriend and I -didn't- have if we stayed together. On paper, we were perfect, but I still felt like I was choking. I was pushing her away because I was scared. We broke up. Or, I broke up with her and told her not to talk to me. It was sudden, I did this against the advice of my family, friends, counselors, everybody. Nobody expected it. For five days, I went through utter emotional hell, and I'm so thankful every day that I did. That's when I saw it, the key to a happy, fulfilling relationship isn't what's actually there, at any given moment there will be tons of good and bad things, it's what you choose to concentrate on. I think you'll agree people can love stupid stuff which is really bad for them, and this means you can love anything you choose depending on what you choose to experience from it. I also realized that love was for me. It was giving her the power to really hurt me. Before the breakup, I wasn't completely ready to do that. I was scared of it and rationalizing things in all other ways like "other girls" "other opportunities" etc etc. I felt like being with her was trapping me. Then, when I was "free," I realized...from what? What is so great about all this stuff I wanted before? I was concentrating so hard on futures that "might" happen because I was running. All this concentrating on not having was generating tons of resentment which spilled over into the relationship as doubt, uncertainty, etc. But when it all dropped, I was left with the truth. I had a great girl, a great relationship, the thing I'd been searching for the whole time, but I couldn't accept it. At the end of hell, I was left feeling numb. Nothing. Almost a week of screaming in a pillow, fasting, destroying who I thought I was and the harmful beliefs/tendencies which had led me to the place I was in. And then I felt nothing, and I knew deep inside my heart I needed to go talk to her and let her know I'd give her my love. She could choose whether or not to accept it and that was a risk I had to take, the risk of truly getting hurt and losing her. But I would give it to her despite her. We're back together now and the relationship is much more fantastic and fulfilling than I could've thought possible. The secret to a good relationship, and backed up by research, for every 1 negative thing (have not) ~5 positives (haves) are needed. you've chosen through the habits you've developed or the thoughts you have what you concentrate on, and that in turn creates the emotions you feel. The example I liked most was about a grandpa. his wife was old but loved cooking. and one morning she made breakfast for very important guests from the grandpa's side. she messed up the eggs, the biscuits were burned at the bottom and the drinks werent cold. But the grandpa smiled and bragged to all his company about how good his wife's gravy was. that is how you keep a good relationship Some other things I did which helped: 1) stopped porn/fapping 100% 2) regular meditation 3) good sleep habits On March 27 2012 11:57 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: People always give me advice that there are always better girls somewhere waiting for me. I know the world is big, and there are many people out there. But she has made me such a better person all along, and I think I will regret for a while regardless of any choice I make. I broke up with my girl when she looked at me with eyes of pure love. I felt wicked, unworthy of her attention. I wanted so very badly to become better because of her, and that means a lot. whatever anybody else tells you, thats a huge thing. I want to make a choice soon, for her sake. She is older than me and I don’t want to take away anymore from her precious time. I have already made up my mind inside that I will have to break up, but this is really difficult  this might sound really weird, but fuck her. this is about you man. don't try to shirk responsibility off caring for her. if the relationship is gonna be good for both of you, you gotta look out for #1 before anybody else. this is the sucky part is that only you can know when all you want are the perfect words for the answer. you might get a little confidence, a little high from what i say, but unless you generate it thats only temporary and you'll make another thread somewhere else for more. stop it, start controlling your desire This is the first time ever that I have decided to break up with her, and we never have. We really never had any issues in our relationship, with fights here and there being resolved in a good manner pretty quickly. Perhaps I am being too irrational because we had a fight recently (she did something I really despise for the first time). And for the first time in 5 years of relationship, I have felt coldness in my heart. We haven’t talked for over a week, and I didn’t feel much emotion even when I thought this is pretty much over. Maybe I should give it a few more weeks to make a decision. for a 5 year relationship, months is more like it. conflict can either be something which makes you two stronger or weaker. if you're worried about the relationship because of a single conflict, make sure youre actually dealing with it right before you determine whether or not you have to jump ship. look up conflict styles, win-win, collaboration, etc etc When we break up, it is broken for good. It won’t end in bad terms because we are not breaking up for hatred towards one another. We still love each other. But the young age and our mental strength might not live up to what we want to accomplish together. how can you know this? this is one of many many possible futures, except you're determining this course just by thinking about it. sometimes, to get the future right you just have to not think about it.I want to ask you TLers who have dated for a very long time since young age, how you guys kept it going, how did you resist all the temptation, without having experienced the world at all (pretty much knew one girl for the whole time). If there are any highschool sweethearts, you guys can probably tell me a perfect example of how you guys managed. And for those that decided to break up, how did it end for you guys? Was it for the similar reasons? How did life fare for you afterwards? You resist temptation by learning how to control your thoughts. When you can control how you think, you control what habits you form, what behaviors you enact, what emotions you feel and what conditions you set up in your life. when you look at your girl, ignore all thoughts of the future. Are you happy? Are you comfortable? How are you right then? There will be ups and downs, and thats honestly what keeps the relationship going. be thankful for all you've been given. if somebody else tells you about something else you should want, or what you can do, they don't have your best interest in mind. at the end of the day only you can truly decide if you choose happiness, with or without this girl. | ||
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ninazerg
United States7291 Posts
It's time to nut up, or shut up. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
On March 28 2012 07:04 Hot_Bid wrote: whoa there humble bear, don't sell yourself short lol, I know. I am being 100% honest there, but I wrote that just incase some people would ask me, "Are you even able or have the financial backing to get married at that age?". It wasn't for bragging, but to prevent that kind of questions. To KurtistheTurtle, Thank you for your lengthy input. I agree with your point on happiness being dependent on what I focus on, what I pursue, and being truthful to my interest. However, I don't know about not thinking about the future. Marriage is all about the future, and I am a firm believer that marriage is not something that can be pursued just based on love for one another. It is my belief that you must match your potential spouse financially, in education, how they grew up in their family, what kind of friends they have (may not be too important), and such. I am indeed happy now, but thinking about the future, the main purpose of this thread was because there is a void in me of nothingness that I have not seen, and this may become even bigger later on in the future. | ||
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
Thank you for your opinions and life stories. Your posts have helped me alot. What my friends do (well they fuck different women every night) is not of my concern. I have never really been jealous of what they did, but actually the opposite. They envy that I have met someone I can potentially marry. They have supported me going out with her even to the extent of marriage, but recently, they have told me to end this if I feel this way because it will only get stronger and the relationship will get messier. I agree with them that if there is even a small doubt or desire in my heart that I cannot achieve when I marry her, then things will spiral out of control one day. So, I need to find a way to really get rid of this temptation of wanting to experience the world. It really isn't about wanting to sleep with other women. That really isn't of a concern. It is more about, because I am still very young, and her being basically the only women I have ever known and loved (previous girlfriends were just highschool girlfriends), she is the standard of women for me, and I don't know much else. I am happy, but I also think that my friends and family would give me their honest opinion (They say she is a great person, and a great marriage candidate, but I can strive for better). I understand why they say this because they also feel that I haven't seen the world enough for what it is. When you are stuck in a well, that is what you see as the world. There is an old saying "Frog inside a well". I kind of feel like a frog right now. Of course, it is not like I have no female friends, so I kind of know what other women are like (And considering everything other than personality which I wouldn't know much, my girlfriend seems to be better than most), but I have never been emotionally attached to others. I have met my girlfriend whom I dearly love, but am I really making a sane, sensible decision in marrying her? I am making a decision based on literally 1 example. And probability of making a good life decision on 1 sample is low. I will have to think hard and ponder about that. Also, I don't know why topic about sex before marriage became an issue here. I am certainly worried about it, and I will not get married unless I know we are without an issue. She only wanted it to be meaningful to the person she would marry. So the requirement was assurance of marriage to her. I am certainly not giving that to her right now, and that is why we are having problems. But if I do, then things will work out well. This brings up a funny situation of "What if you guys don't match well in bed?". Well, I will have to think about that when that problem comes along. Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. | ||
bkrow
Australia8532 Posts
Well from your writing it sounds like you've made up your mind; all i can say enjoy chasing this desire for "something more" and we can chat when you realise how badly you fucked up. People need to learn to be happy with what they have.. but the only way you'll learn that is from making a big fuck-off mistake. | ||
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FractalsOnFire
Australia1756 Posts
On March 28 2012 11:00 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. I'm Asian and i would make it a pre-requisite before even THINKING about marriage that we live together. My parents would probably tell me to live with her, just to make sure she's right for me. So no, i don't understand because living together is a big part of whether you two would work in a marriage, hell you're going to be doing it for the rest of your life (unless you're part of the 66.67%). Sure i maybe Australianised but i wouldn't care what society and the community think of it, i sure as hell wouldn't be getting into a lifetime contract without trying to get ALL the knowledge about what i'm getting into. As for the sex before marriage thing, i definitely would but i don't have religious beliefs holding me back. Sex is a critical component of any healthy relationship but i wouldn't be able to convince you to do it. | ||
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Dalguno
United States2446 Posts
I guess what I'm trying to say is, why do you need to experience more if you've got something so great? It feels like you discount her by saying that there could be more out there. If that's the case, don't marry her. You don't love her enough. Another point: If your family and friends hadn't said anything about there being more women out there, and you possibly being able to find a better one, would you have even considered looking for other girls? If you ignore what they say, is she perfect for you? You'll know better than they know if she's the one for you, or if there is something more you want or need. | ||
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pedduck
Thailand468 Posts
On March 27 2012 11:57 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: I want to make a choice soon, for her sake. She is older than me and I don’t want to take away anymore from her precious time. I have already made up my mind inside that I will have to break up, but this is really difficult I am 30++ and I have seen a lot of my friends forced in to a situation like you. Some chose to get married and some chose to break up. It doesn't matter as they all seems happy with their decision. You will be alright as long as you make your own decision for your own good. | ||
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Lysenko
Iceland2128 Posts
On March 27 2012 12:37 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: This is what I am really afraid of. There is a Korean word 늦바람 meaning late breeze. This is what my friends are afraid of as well. OK, I'll be honest with you, this is GOING to happen. There are always moments when you stop to wonder if the choice you hadn't made would have been better. Thing is, that'll happen whether you stay with her or not. Ask yourself this: are you happy with her, after five years? Don't ask whether you can imagine some fantasy person you don't know exists who might be somehow better -- of course you can. The question is whether you are happy with the woman you're with. If the answer is yes, then you should stay together and get married. If you get married, you'll wonder in 10-15 years whether going the other way would have been better. If you break up, you'll wonder in 10-15 years whether going the other way would have been better. You don't get to escape the self-doubt by making one decision or the other. However, if you have serious doubts about her, right now, that's a totally different matter, and you should listen to that voice in your head. | ||
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Tommylew
Wales2717 Posts
I was in the same boat and now even though we both love each other still the is no way we can get back together will the crap that has happened since. Id say try take a brake for a week and whatever you do DO NOT LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE, you have to make this decision on your own of what you want to do and be happy with it, last thing you want is in a year or two blame other people for helping you make the wrong decision. | ||
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EngrishTeacher
Canada1109 Posts
Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith. Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. | ||
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KurtistheTurtle
United States1966 Posts
On March 28 2012 10:14 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: To KurtistheTurtle, Thank you for your lengthy input. I agree with your point on happiness being dependent on what I focus on, what I pursue, and being truthful to my interest. However, I don't know about not thinking about the future. Marriage is all about the future, and I am a firm believer that marriage is not something that can be pursued just based on love for one another. It is my belief that you must match your potential spouse financially, in education, how they grew up in their family, what kind of friends they have (may not be too important), and such. I am indeed happy now, but thinking about the future, the main purpose of this thread was because there is a void in me of nothingness that I have not seen, and this may become even bigger later on in the future. a 1984 study by galvin & cooker states this. "The satisfactorily married couple, according to the conventional therapeutic wisdom is first of all, deeply compatible...but they must agree on important things--sex, money, religion, childrearing--and should be able to compromise on everything else. Not that this couple doesn't argue--they do, but their arguments seldom get low-down and dirty, or even very heated. When they disagree, they naturally and without prompting do exactly what therapists advise less compatible and more troubled spouses to do; recognize conflicts, acknowledge differences openly but address them honestly and calmly before they degenerate into shouting matches. Conventional wisdom says they listen respectfully and empathize with each other's points of view; they don't interrupt much and if neither can persuade the other to do this or that side of the issue, they negotiate a workable compromise. the orthodox belief that compatibility is indispensable to marital happiness and the reduction of conflict is critical to saving troubled marriages is a myth. Our research shows that it isn't hte lack of compatibility that predicts divorce, but the way couples handle their inevitable incompatibilities; not whether they fight all the time or never fight at all, but they way they resolve conflicts and overall quality of their emotional interactions in a marriage that determines its well being.... ...We have concluded that we can actually quantify the ratio of positive to negative interactions needed to maintain a marriage in good shape. And we found that satisfied couples, no matter how their marriages stacked up against the ideal, were those who maintained a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative moments. whether they fought a lot or not at all, whether they seemed passionately engaged with each other or distinctly distant and most importantly, whether or not they were compatible socially, financially, sexually, what counted was the overall balance of positive to negative. what you're doing right now is creating a ton of negative moments, so naturally you'll feel the way you do. marriage isn't about the future, its a celebration and solidification of what already exists. the only difference between marriage & a relationship is that its a lot more expensive to break up. stop worrying about the perfect woman who might come, that's an irrational and debilitating thought train. stop worrying about the life you might live, you have this catostrophic expectation getting married will close all your doors and its not right for you. what if you concentrated on the opposite? what if getting married suddenly gave you clarity about who you were and what you want for your family? what if maybe when you're taking the vows you stare into her eyes, and despite doubt have faith you two are truly good for each other? i wont tell you how to approach it beyond these vague rambles about thought, but obv the way you think about it now isn't working. change your thinking or break up now and reap what you sow your girl dies tomorrow. she's gone from your life, forever. every day you'd think about what could have been, what might have been. how you think is the core influence on your reality. if you do go away for a week, go into nature. do some research, bring several books and materials on the subject but burn them after the first 2-3 days. dont allow contact with or from anyone, experience that you are truly alone if you choose to be, and you will have your answer. | ||
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FractalsOnFire
Australia1756 Posts
On March 28 2012 22:04 EngrishTeacher wrote: Holy shit 5 years and no sex? Religion is a powerful thing. I'm really jealous, not for anything else but your faith. I honestly wish I could believe in something so strongly, I blame my atheist upbringing for ruining my chance at the first leap of faith. Seriously, not being sarcastic or anything. Mad props for your willpower. Indeed it is a powerful thing, but i don't see how you couldn't believe in a religion? Just suspend your logical reasoning in the spiritual department and all should come to you. Pick whichever one you want, not that it really matters. | ||
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taldarimAltar
973 Posts
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ExceeD_DreaM
Canada500 Posts
As I have cooled down a lot more, and had a lot more alone time, I am thinking and thinknig. I am going to meet with her and talk about this. However, I don't know what will happen. It really isn't 100% of my decision. Afterall, we are not talking or seeing each other for about 2 weeks now based on HER requiest that we take some time off. So, it is possible that she might be having second thoughts about this marriage decision. She is still young too, and she is taking off socially, meeting new people at work, at church, and all over. I really hope that isn't the case but we will have to see. I will update you guys soon. FYI, again and again, sex before marriage thing is NOT BECAUSE OF RELIGION!!! She is a very religious person (and I am not, I am currently semi-atheist), but that is not the reason why we decided to have more of a platonic relationship. | ||
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KurtistheTurtle
United States1966 Posts
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StorkHwaiting
United States3465 Posts
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Jibba
United States22883 Posts
On March 28 2012 11:00 ExceeD_DreaM wrote: Living together before marriage, I am personally against it, and the society and community around me would not look at it in a good manner. It might seem weird to a lot of people, but if you are Asian... you would understand. First, I'm Asian and I don't understand at all. Second, why are you personally against it if you're not religious? It's like buying a car before test driving it. There's a lot of components that go into a serious relationship beyond just going on dates every so often. You didn't speak to her for a week after the last thing that happened. There is just such a large gap between where you are now and where you'll be when you're married that it seems absurd not to live together first, even if you abstain from sex. Not to mention all the gross stuff people do, you'll have to get over. Aside from religion, I see no reason to go in blind. | ||
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