Some context: I'm right now a 24 year old 7th year medicine student, I'm average looking, but I really haven't engaged myself in any sports or training for the longest time, so that takes some points away. When I entered college, I immediately met a nice girl and started a relationship (Thing I now deeply regret. Not the relationship, but the fact I started right away). For the first 2 and a half years we carried on a relationship that, while nice at the beginning, started getting hammered by the girl's insane jealousy issues, I won't discuss this here but thing was so hard I'm now sort of traumatized and refuse to go out with any jealous girls at all (good for me imo!). Once in 4th grade, I was recently single, while my ex immediately started seeing someone else. At the same time, I was now without a best friend (fucking jealousy destroyed it), my mother had been diagnosed with cancer, and lots of people around me had died. I was alone, surrounded by people I didn't like. Suddenly, I was deeply depressed and started drinking like a madman, destroying my reputation and sinking me even lower.
Now where am I going with all this banter. The girl I'll talk about in this blog has been my classmate throughout med school. We've always been friends, we talk a lot, we have shared tons of stuff, and she was pretty much the only person who I could discharge my shit with. We had never engaged in any romantic activity and she's just my friend, for real, plus she was on a 9-year relationship with a boyfriend and it looked pretty serious. I've always been a dude who's best friends are girls, and I've never had any trouble because of this. She's always been pretty attractive though, oh scratch that, she's hot as hell hahaha.
Thing is, about 2 months ago, she got dumped. Real bad. Guy was a jackass. So, being a good friend, I walked her through her first breakup, let her cry on my shoulder, talked to her for hours about it, and she's sort of recovering. Of course she's not totally fine, but she's enjoying life again. Through this whole ordeal, we've sort of become "party partners", we go out, have drinks, dance a while, I drop her off at home, sometimes we watch a movie, etc. Somewhere around this we joked with the idea of a casual adventure, which obviously says to me: "I want this"
Two weeks ago, we were watching a movie, and I put my arm around her shoulder as usual. This time though, she held my hand, and we were really really warm with each other. We hugged a lot etc, but then she felt a bit uncomfortable because of her recent break up, so I backed off, talked to her for a while, then left. We later talked and straightened things up, and things went like usual.
This week, we went out again. We went to this salsa club (I suck at salsa but she loves it so I'm making an effort lol), then we went for beers and I went to drop her off home. When we got there, she invited me in and we were going to watch a movie and call it a night. Movie hadn't even started, when she approached me, I hugged her and pulled her to me, then she stared into my eyes and I just kissed her. Next thing you know, we're in her room kissing and stuff. This happened in about... 10 seconds, pretty much in an instant. We weren't even drunk.
So we talked about it and decided we'd keep this casual. She doesn't want a relationship at all, and I'm not in love or anything (no matter how cool she is I just don't feel it), and she asking me to keep it casual suggest to me she expects this to happen again (YAY!). So here's the thing:
1.- I don't want to damage our friendship, she's my best friend now, and I love to hang out and stuff, without anything sexual involved. She agrees, and insisted that she wants this to remain this way and she doesn't want our friendship to change.
2.- Apparently mutual attraction is pretty strong, so I fully expect this to happen again. I mean, it's always like that right?
3.- We agreed to stop as soon as one party fell in love when the other didn't and/or if one of us starts a relationship with another person.
So the question is, can my best friend be my friend with benefits and our friendship survive? I'm new at this, but this is my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I'd rather never kiss her ever again than lose her as my friend. What does TL think?