Friends with benefits? - Page 4

rredtooth

5459 Posts

January 22 2012 00:46 GMT

#61

one of my research courses actually studied Friends With Benefits extensively. i barely remember any of the results (and it'd be hard for me to go dig up the old data) but the general findings were that FWBs are perfectly fine (in that the individuals involved tend to be perfectly content) but tend to progress into traditional relationships quite frequently. the question then becomes "would our friendship survive a traditional relationships if it comes to that?"

god i wish i still had the reports. there was data on the quality of sex, the level of social stigma, the ratio of relationships that partake in oral sex, happiness rating, etc etc. why do i never keep the useful knowledge in my head haha.

basically if you want to base your decision off of empirical research and risk being the mean then i'd say you're fine with it.

Angelbelow

United States3728 Posts

January 22 2012 01:13 GMT

#62

Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever.

The only version of friends with benefits that works is strangers with benefits, AKA a one night stands.

This is just what I've witnessed and experienced both first hand, 2nd hand, and through stories from a 3rd party. So it doesn't 100% apply to you and your situation because nothing is, ofcourse, 100%. Hope this helps.

dranjam

Poland198 Posts

January 22 2012 01:15 GMT

#63

Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate

Cr4zyH0r5e

Peru1308 Posts

January 22 2012 01:19 GMT

#64

My experience was different because we weren't really close friends, she was my best friend's sister and he had moved out of the country to study abroad...

Things got really messy: She decided to stop it, but then we somehow ended up doing it again, then she wanted to stop it again but wasn't sure, I got a gf, she got weirded out and we don't talk anymore. I'm still cool with her brother, though so it wasn't the worst possible scenario, but I just feel like "friends with benefits" is bound to get messy.

Frumpysnoo

United States247 Posts

January 22 2012 01:21 GMT

#65

You really have to ask yourself, as does she, if you're going to act differently or potentially get jealous if either of you end up being in a relationship down the road. I went through something like this before for with someone I really didn't think I'd have feelings for. We were great friends, she was smoking hot, but similiar to you I just didn't want a relationship but was rather focused on myself and getting over a past relationship. About a year and a half in, she ended up dating someone and we immediately went from FWB's to simply friends, not even "good" friends. Her boyfriend found out about us and she pretty much promised him that she wouldn't see me anymore because he didn't like the fact that we were physical in the past.

When this happened I had a mix of emotions, but mostly regret. While I was alright with it (not seeing her anymore) the first week or so, I found myself second guessing where to go or what to do because we pretty much relied on eachother for the physical aspect of a relationship, while also having fun together (i.e your salsa could be an example). It's almost like a best friend of a few years saying "Hey, I think we should just be regular friends again. No more talking to eachother every day, doing things together etc." Once you progress a relationship with someone, it's really hard to back-track to where your relationship with eachother was before. I had the feelings similiar to being dumped, and ended up blaming myself for letting someone like her pass through my life without me doing anything about it. I never thought I'd care about her, but the day that she stopped calling, meeting me for coffee and talking over the phone I realized that I did care for her.

Anyways, sorry for practically making this my blog here. Basically, just consider the fact that if you become FWB's she could potentially end up being in a relationship with someone else. If this is strictly what you're looking for, and you don't want a relationship with this girl eventually, then solid. But if you think you might have stronger feelings for her down the road you need to tread lightly. It could either form an actual relationship between the two of you, or she would see that you're getting feelings for her and, as a friend, she would stop being your FWB as she wouldn't want to hurt you in the end.

Cereb

Denmark3388 Posts

January 22 2012 02:33 GMT

#66

In my experience it has worked out pretty fine I guess...

I mean, there were hurt feelings for some periods but in the end I remained friends with those I've tried it with...Would probably say I got abit closer to them actually. It might help if you just behave like it's the most normal thing in the world and try not to change the way you feel and behave even after you're done banging.

Also:

On January 22 2012 10:15 dranjam wrote:
Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate

Words of wisdom

But I'm not sure...if this really truly is your best friend and you have don't have any kind of desire to be in a relationship with this girl at all and would just prefer to remain friends til the end of time...then it would probably have been best not to do it in the first place

Inzek

Chile802 Posts

January 22 2012 02:51 GMT

#67

imo, dont get THAT involved, theres tons of girls to fuck, there are not tons of freinds (good friends)

+ Show Spoiler +

wn honestamente conociendo a las minas aca.. no va a funcionar... no la pierdas como amiga. hay mas minas

also redtooth i want those reports :S

Auren

United States82 Posts

January 22 2012 03:30 GMT

#68

The problem is, if you guys go down this road and you successfully maintain your friendship afterward, you are now in a shitty situation with future relationships.

Basically, you get the choice of:
a) telling your future girlfriend that you and your best friend had that kind of relationship...with the likely response being she doesn't want you two to see each other anymore/ends up having trust issues with the two of spending time alone.
or
b) you don't tell her at all... and then she ends up getting pissed off at you when she finds out later on which will likely either bring you back to a) or end your relationship all together
or
c) you never tell her and pray to god or whatever she never finds out. In my experience, girls tend to get more pissed off at you the longer you keep something from them :\

As much as you may want to tell yourself you won't be dating another girl that has jealousy issues I think you should be realistic and understand that, in this particular case, those reactions are "normal" rather than "crazy jealous bitch". Keep in mind, this same issue is going to be a problem with your best friend and her future boyfriends as well.

I personally think it's a bad idea mostly because it's someone you consider your best friend. My best friend is female as well and being able to do things like hang out with each other without a boyfriend or girlfriend in tow only works because they trust we are "just friends". Having a past, physical relationship suddenly throws a very real amount of doubt into the equation.

darkscream

Canada2310 Posts

January 22 2012 04:23 GMT

#69

You can totally do it just fine, just understand/quell the fears that she, at any moment, may be sucking another man's cock and you can't do or say anything about it.

If you can handle that graphic thought without feeling bad, then you're in the clear.

United States2586 Posts

January 22 2012 04:28 GMT

#70

It's hard to take a relationship to the height of intimacy and while bringing it back down to a normal friendship outside of the bed. It takes someone with a very...different perspective of friendship to pursue this with a friend you care about and not get emotionally attached.

decker247777

United States62 Posts

January 22 2012 04:34 GMT

#71

if you prefer to have that friendship i suggest no friends with benefits. Now there is one more option, that is pretty much a maybe , set a limit to have sex, like 1 time in 2 weeks, it keeps feelings to a mininum, and you have a better chance of moving on without ruining your friendship.

lets just say this friends with benefits doesn't work out alot of the time.

FaZe

Canada472 Posts

January 22 2012 05:09 GMT

#72

You should just do it, you will get married eventually anyways

mordk

Chile8385 Posts

January 22 2012 05:10 GMT

#73

This is actually awesome advice thanks... When thinking about this, considering all the experiences I read here, both positive and negative, I can't help but think I should just let go and solve situations as they come by and have lots of fun, particularly after such a long lonely time. I'm just scared to lose my friendship. I don't know if I'm stressing this hard enough. I absolutely LOVE this friendship.

On January 22 2012 11:51 Inzek wrote:
imo, dont get THAT involved, theres tons of girls to fuck, there are not tons of freinds (good friends)

+ Show Spoiler +

wn honestamente conociendo a las minas aca.. no va a funcionar... no la pierdas como amiga. hay mas minas

also redtooth i want those reports :S

Gotta love the hometown advice :D

On January 22 2012 12:30 Auren wrote:
As much as you may want to tell yourself you won't be dating another girl that has jealousy issues I think you should be realistic and understand that, in this particular case, those reactions are "normal" rather than "crazy jealous bitch". Keep in mind, this same issue is going to be a problem with your best friend and her future boyfriends as well.

Yes I definitely understand this, I think that whenever I start a relationship it's gonna be a problem. I mean, it's only normal for a girl to be jealous of another girl you had intimacy with, this kind of jealousy I can understand. When I say "crazy jealous bitch" I mean it ahaha, this girl was pathologically jealous.

On January 22 2012 10:13 Angelbelow wrote:
Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever. .

This is one of my biggest doubts about this. I know for certain I can keep it casual, but does her wanting to do this mean she can do the same? Even if she states she doesn't want a relationship I still have my doubts.

RedJustice

United States1004 Posts

January 22 2012 05:49 GMT

#74

Well, there's no way to say what she hopes to get out of it. Everyone can tell you their personal experiences with women they were with and what they wanted out of it, but it's all different. You are the best qualified person here to decide how likely it is that she's telling you the truth about what kind of relationship she wants.

If you have serious doubts about anything in a relationship, it will probably cause problems. If you keep worrying, look elsewhere for a fuck buddy.

ChoboDane

Denmark98 Posts

January 22 2012 06:19 GMT

#75

Robert Herrick wrote:
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
To-morrow will be dying.

Angelbelow

United States3728 Posts

January 22 2012 11:42 GMT

#76

On January 22 2012 14:10 mordk wrote:

Show nested quote +

Gotta love the hometown advice :D

Show nested quote +

Girls are the more emotional being. Even if she claims she can now, there's no telling where her emotions are going to take her next. That's really the biggest problem. The more you sleep together the more emotional she'll feel about you. When the time comes, its not reasonable to expect her to be objective =/. Thats the risk you're running.

StarStruck

25339 Posts

January 22 2012 14:43 GMT

#77

No. FwB doesn't work that way with the jealous type.

Gonff

United States686 Posts

January 22 2012 21:26 GMT

#78

People in this thread have already given you great advice. Here's a fitting soundtrack for your situation while you mull it all over.

Good Luck mordk! Let us know what you decide!

Edit: Beautiful. I love this.

On January 22 2012 15:19 ChoboDane wrote:

Show nested quote +

UmbraaeternuS

Chile476 Posts

January 22 2012 21:35 GMT

#79

My answer, soon-to-be-colleague and fellow countryman, is the following:

If you get benefits into a friendship and either you or her can't handle the change that makes, then yes, it fucks the relationship beyond any repairable point.
If you agree that you can't get past friendship and both of you are OK with the "spice" added to your friendship (i.e: SEX), then go for it! What's bad about that?!

Things get awkward pretty fast when sex is involved between friends. If you're mature enough to understand that it is just sex and you guys don't let that get into your feelings, then everything will be fine.

+ Show Spoiler +

Ahora, si el parcito se tiene ganas más alla de un revolconcillo ocasional... ¡¿Qué chucha esperan pa cambiar el status de Facebook a "en una relación?! ¡Póngale weno no más doctorcito!" Jejeje

tMomiji

United States1115 Posts

January 22 2012 22:22 GMT

#80

Somehow - I don't know how - but my own best friend has actually been a so-called "friend with benefits" for quite a while. I seriously have no idea how it works, but by some miracle, it actually works...

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