Hello teamliquidians!.. I've posted a lot of crap but actually never made a blog post, and since people usually use them to ask questions about this kind of thing, and this subject is a secret, I'm gonna talk about it here.
Some context: I'm right now a 24 year old 7th year medicine student, I'm average looking, but I really haven't engaged myself in any sports or training for the longest time, so that takes some points away. When I entered college, I immediately met a nice girl and started a relationship (Thing I now deeply regret. Not the relationship, but the fact I started right away). For the first 2 and a half years we carried on a relationship that, while nice at the beginning, started getting hammered by the girl's insane jealousy issues, I won't discuss this here but thing was so hard I'm now sort of traumatized and refuse to go out with any jealous girls at all (good for me imo!). Once in 4th grade, I was recently single, while my ex immediately started seeing someone else. At the same time, I was now without a best friend (fucking jealousy destroyed it), my mother had been diagnosed with cancer, and lots of people around me had died. I was alone, surrounded by people I didn't like. Suddenly, I was deeply depressed and started drinking like a madman, destroying my reputation and sinking me even lower.
Now where am I going with all this banter. The girl I'll talk about in this blog has been my classmate throughout med school. We've always been friends, we talk a lot, we have shared tons of stuff, and she was pretty much the only person who I could discharge my shit with. We had never engaged in any romantic activity and she's just my friend, for real, plus she was on a 9-year relationship with a boyfriend and it looked pretty serious. I've always been a dude who's best friends are girls, and I've never had any trouble because of this. She's always been pretty attractive though, oh scratch that, she's hot as hell hahaha.
Thing is, about 2 months ago, she got dumped. Real bad. Guy was a jackass. So, being a good friend, I walked her through her first breakup, let her cry on my shoulder, talked to her for hours about it, and she's sort of recovering. Of course she's not totally fine, but she's enjoying life again. Through this whole ordeal, we've sort of become "party partners", we go out, have drinks, dance a while, I drop her off at home, sometimes we watch a movie, etc. Somewhere around this we joked with the idea of a casual adventure, which obviously says to me: "I want this"
Two weeks ago, we were watching a movie, and I put my arm around her shoulder as usual. This time though, she held my hand, and we were really really warm with each other. We hugged a lot etc, but then she felt a bit uncomfortable because of her recent break up, so I backed off, talked to her for a while, then left. We later talked and straightened things up, and things went like usual.
This week, we went out again. We went to this salsa club (I suck at salsa but she loves it so I'm making an effort lol), then we went for beers and I went to drop her off home. When we got there, she invited me in and we were going to watch a movie and call it a night. Movie hadn't even started, when she approached me, I hugged her and pulled her to me, then she stared into my eyes and I just kissed her. Next thing you know, we're in her room kissing and stuff. This happened in about... 10 seconds, pretty much in an instant. We weren't even drunk.
So we talked about it and decided we'd keep this casual. She doesn't want a relationship at all, and I'm not in love or anything (no matter how cool she is I just don't feel it), and she asking me to keep it casual suggest to me she expects this to happen again (YAY!). So here's the thing:
1.- I don't want to damage our friendship, she's my best friend now, and I love to hang out and stuff, without anything sexual involved. She agrees, and insisted that she wants this to remain this way and she doesn't want our friendship to change. 2.- Apparently mutual attraction is pretty strong, so I fully expect this to happen again. I mean, it's always like that right? 3.- We agreed to stop as soon as one party fell in love when the other didn't and/or if one of us starts a relationship with another person.
So the question is, can my best friend be my friend with benefits and our friendship survive? I'm new at this, but this is my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I'd rather never kiss her ever again than lose her as my friend. What does TL think?
On January 22 2012 04:25 Muffinman53 wrote: In my experiences, friends with benefits is always a bad idea. There are very very few people who can pull it off.
Yea feelings will almost always develop from at least 1 party lolol
Nah I've tried this twice before one time it didnt work and luckily she went to another city. The other time I ended it and she refused to give up on our friendship. She worked really damn hard to keep our friendship alive and luckily it worked. But in all honest if you want to do this you are going to get hurt, she's gonna get hurt and you may loose a really great friend. Also we were only able to be good friends again when we had moved on i.e. she was seeing someone else and vice versa.
Though it's pretty hard not to be attracted to someone who gets you and is attractive to you.
lets put it like that; yes, it can go on like usual, and it all can end well. you could even mutually fall in love and life a happy long life together. not gonna deny that.
....chances that it doesn't go like that and problems arise are like 99.9999999%. its not an absolute, buuuuut..... most likely won't end perfectly fine.
On January 22 2012 04:31 ~ava wrote: You are going to a salsa club for a "friend"? I call bullshit - you like her and should start an actual relationship with her.
But she needed company!.. I'm glad to help a friend out! :D
Plus I'm sure once my friends start getting married it's gonna be a useful skill toi have
BTW thanks to all good luck wishes... Apparently I'll need some lol.
Maybe if you go out of your way to tell her you're not having feelings for her and aren't going to have them. But this entire blog seems like a love letter to her, so maybe the feeling will come.
This blog reeks of you trying to convince yourself rather than ask for real advice, as you shoot down people who are (fairly) warning you how intimacy damages platonic friendships. The basic formula for a real relationship is social chemistry + intimacy and there's a reason the term "friends with benefits" is used mockingly more often than not.
On January 22 2012 04:54 TwoToneTerran wrote: This blog reeks of you trying to convince yourself rather than ask for real advice, as you shoot down people who are (fairly) warning you how intimacy damages platonic friendships. The basic formula for a real relationship is social chemistry + intimacy and there's a reason the term "friends with benefits" is used mockingly more often than not.
I'm not shooting down people, I actually agree with most people here, it's risky as hell. I'm trying to get to know people's opinions since I don't know personally anyone who's tried this .
It works for me. I dated a girl for about 2 years "romantically" but we've been friends w/ benifits for a year now and it's been working out wonderfully. I would suggest making an agreement not to see other people though, It's very easy to get confused emotionally otherwise.
Ask her what she thinks your future is like. This sort of deal happened to me 3 years ago. here's the really short gist of what happened:
-met a girl with whom we had quite a few mutual friends(she was single) -talked alot and started flirting a little -funny situation->she told me she sorta liked me but didn't really want to get into a relationship -i kissed her->friends with benefits
While we had this relationship(3 months) she asked me "do you think we can ever go back to being just friends?" to which i said "if you mean back to the way things were 4 months ago, yea" and when i asked her she said "i don't think so, too many memories"
I don't know if it was a fluke, but things turned out exactly as above. I was caught in the moment and didn't fully register it/didn't want to believe she could really predict what would break our friendship. I tried to be friends afterwards, she didn't really reciprocate. She was sooooooooo cute though. If i could go back in time would I do it again? Probably. Were the times we had really worth a completely broken friendship? To this day I still don't know, and think about it quite a bit. You should ask yourself the same question.
In my experience, when you start getting intimate, it's hard to be as completely open with your best friend and have it be the same as it was. You can do it, but you might lose some of that emotional closeness that you had, because now there's a whole added side to the relationship that changes the whole feel of it.
you'll just get hormone-addicted to each other and when one of you needs it to stop the other one will get withdrawal, usual stuff, doesn't matter if you call it a relationship or not. Your brains screw each other over with chemistry, no matter how much concious effort you put against it.
but oh well, might already be to late (seeing as you apparently want more, you'd probably feel bad already if you stopped now). I'd say there's no pretty way out, you migth as well enjoy it for as long as it lasts. But it's going to end about as well as any "real" relationship ends well, there's almost no difference just because you don't call it that.
On January 22 2012 04:31 ~ava wrote: You are going to a salsa club for a "friend"? I call bullshit - you like her and should start an actual relationship with her.
But she needed company!.. I'm glad to help a friend out! :D
Plus I'm sure once my friends start getting married it's gonna be a useful skill toi have
BTW thanks to all good luck wishes... Apparently I'll need some lol.
This post says it all. You've already failed at goal #3.
3.- We agreed to stop as soon as one party fell in love when the other didn't and/or if one of us starts a relationship with another person.
It's a good goal, but almost no one can pull it off. Even if you think you're being successful, you probably aren't.
It's probably too late to back out as well. If you say you want it to stop, you risk hurting her. At the very least, many of the interactions you were once comfortable with will seem suspect (i.e. any casual physical contact, especially when no one else is around).
If you weren't prepared, you're more or less screwed. If you were prepared, you've got a shot.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
Its been my experience that when a woman asks for friends with benefits, what they really want is for the guy to be exclusive with her without there being any commitment. (whetherthey admit it or not)
That can work if there's no emotions involved. But from your post it sounds like there's definitely emotions on both sides. I think if you go down that path you'll either end up as a couple or destroy your friendship. Its up to you to decide if the physical intimacy is worth risking your friendship.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
This is pretty much my take on it so far. I know this will eventually end, and one/both of us will be at least somewhat hurt, but maybe once we go through the rough patch we can go back to normal?
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
This is pretty much my take on it so far. I know this will eventually end, and one/both of us will be at least somewhat hurt, but maybe once we go through the rough patch we can go back to normal?
Again speaking from experience, it won't go back to normal, or it will take a really long time to do so.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
This is pretty much my take on it so far. I know this will eventually end, and one/both of us will be at least somewhat hurt, but maybe once we go through the rough patch we can go back to normal?
Again speaking from experience, it won't go back to normal, or it will take a really long time to do so.
For me it actually did, it take quite some time, but eventually we went back to being really good friends again. The only difference is there is no physical contact or to much talk about sex.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
This is pretty much my take on it so far. I know this will eventually end, and one/both of us will be at least somewhat hurt, but maybe once we go through the rough patch we can go back to normal?
Hopeful thinking at its best, you need to decide which is more important: sex with the girl or friendship with the girl. After that the decision is obvious.
On January 22 2012 04:31 ~ava wrote: You are going to a salsa club for a "friend"? I call bullshit - you like her and should start an actual relationship with her.
But she needed company!.. I'm glad to help a friend out! :D
Plus I'm sure once my friends start getting married it's gonna be a useful skill toi have
BTW thanks to all good luck wishes... Apparently I'll need some lol.
A friendship can survive fwb, and even one of you falling in love. Be warned it takes a shitton of hard work and a lot of misery, so the friendship better be worth it to you. In addition, it also depends on the kind of people you are. Someone with crazy jealousy issues like your ex couldn't do it, for example. Lastly, a friendship takes two, so if she decides otherwise, no matter what you do, the friendship will be gone.
On January 22 2012 04:31 ~ava wrote: You are going to a salsa club for a "friend"? I call bullshit - you like her and should start an actual relationship with her.
But she needed company!.. I'm glad to help a friend out! :D
Plus I'm sure once my friends start getting married it's gonna be a useful skill toi have
BTW thanks to all good luck wishes... Apparently I'll need some lol.
Lool would you do the same for a male friend?
Hahahha not salsa ofc, but something else? Say, a sport I don't usually like? Sure, why not
I know your hormones tell you this sounds like a really good idea, but it's not. Either start a relationship or don't, but don't go mixing things up. It won't take long before stuff gets messy.
On January 22 2012 04:31 ~ava wrote: You are going to a salsa club for a "friend"? I call bullshit - you like her and should start an actual relationship with her.
But she needed company!.. I'm glad to help a friend out! :D
Plus I'm sure once my friends start getting married it's gonna be a useful skill toi have
BTW thanks to all good luck wishes... Apparently I'll need some lol.
Lool would you do the same for a male friend?
Hahahha not salsa ofc, but something else? Say, a sport I don't usually like? Sure, why not
Yea but if you're a guy, trying out a new sport doesn't seem as out of character and as implicit as trying salsa dancing. Idk, I get the impression you're trying to convince yourself that you view her as only a friend. Good luck ; p
I think if you're seeing this girl with any sort of regularity, then the friends with benefits idea isn't going to work... There's nothing wrong with a fuck buddy, but there needs to be some pretty clear separation of more parts of your life.
It depends on the people involved if it can end up with a friendship or not. I know of plenty of FWB involvements that have turned out horridly messy, and others that worked out quite well.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Pretty much this, been there, done that. Casual feels good, but when one of the two wants to end it, no matter what promises you made, it will get messy.
That being said, go for it, eventually friendship will stabilize again.
Also what person above me said is true. Every touch will be suspect. We used to casually touch and massage w/e and now ecrry touch we do, you don't want other person to think its more than it is.
This is pretty much my take on it so far. I know this will eventually end, and one/both of us will be at least somewhat hurt, but maybe once we go through the rough patch we can go back to normal?
Again speaking from experience, it won't go back to normal, or it will take a really long time to do so.
For me it actually did, it take quite some time, but eventually we went back to being really good friends again. The only difference is there is no physical contact or to much talk about sex.
So it's not normal anymore :p It will make boundary, it always does.
Well seeing as I watched both Friends with Benefits AND No Strings Attached I think I'm somewhat of an expert here. I say go for it, you'll probably fall in love and live happily ever after! You're welcome
I think that you should go for it, usually people who you fall in serious love with are the people that are both your best friend and your best lover.
I have had some similar experience but not on such a serious level. I was in a class with a girl who I had known for a year or so, and really started to become good friends with her. Then it hit me, I really liked this girl. This is probably the same feelings that you are feeling now. I didn't act on those feelings that I had at the time, and I think that it is one of the worse decisions of my life. She's dating my best friend now
So I have to tell you don't make the same mistake that I did!!! You'll regret it!!
Even if you discard any specific factors, "friends with benefits" is a fairly short-term relationship with no real follow-up you can realistically hope for. If you really care about her as a friend and want her to stay in your life, end it now.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Do not listen to this guy. I have been in this situation a few times, and while I'll admit the relationship does change a little, I am still good friends with these girls, even today. You have to remember if you engage in a relationship like this that you are first and foremost friends. You need to treat it as such, and that these benefits are temporary, unless it develops into something different. The biggest problem I can see is if one person or the other begins to expect these benefits all the time, as with a real relationship, if that's the case then you need to discuss it, but it's not the end of anything.
tldr: If you both act like adults and respect one another, it can work fine, just, make sure that this is the case. Also, don't expect things to stay the same, as all things change over time.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Do not listen to this guy. I have been in this situation a few times, and while I'll admit the relationship does change a little, I am still good friends with these girls, even today. You have to remember if you engage in a relationship like this that you are first and foremost friends. You need to treat it as such, and that these benefits are temporary, unless it develops into something different. The biggest problem I can see is if one person or the other begins to expect these benefits all the time, as with a real relationship, if that's the case then you need to discuss it, but it's not the end of anything.
tldr: If you both act like adults and respect one another, it can work fine, just, make sure that this is the case.
You can't have him bank on personal anecdotes. Almost anyone has a personal experience with these kinds of things, for some people it worked out, for some it didn't, some people didn't act on it and regret it, others didn't and didn't regret it, etc. In the end it's all statistics, and without a reasonable sample size.
The very bottom line that we might agree on is that it's a risk with generally unfavourable odds. Is casual sex really worth that risk? It's not like you can't get it elsewhere, it's fairly straightforward these days.
On January 22 2012 04:13 mordk wrote: So the question is, can my best friend be my friend with benefits and our friendship survive? I'm new at this, but this is my best friend, and I don't want to lose her. I'd rather never kiss her ever again than lose her as my friend. What does TL think?
Yes.
But.
Your friendship will be over if you fall in love with her or she with you.
If either of you fall in love with someone else, it should be fine.
On January 22 2012 04:24 kusto wrote: No, it can't. When intimacy is involved, things will get messy. Absolutely guaranteed.
Do not listen to this guy. I have been in this situation a few times, and while I'll admit the relationship does change a little, I am still good friends with these girls, even today. You have to remember if you engage in a relationship like this that you are first and foremost friends. You need to treat it as such, and that these benefits are temporary, unless it develops into something different. The biggest problem I can see is if one person or the other begins to expect these benefits all the time, as with a real relationship, if that's the case then you need to discuss it, but it's not the end of anything.
tldr: If you both act like adults and respect one another, it can work fine, just, make sure that this is the case.
You can't have him bank on personal anecdotes. Almost anyone has a personal experience with these kinds of things, for some people it worked out, for some it didn't, some people didn't act on it and regret it, others didn't and didn't regret it, etc. In the end it's all statistics, and without a reasonable sample size.
The very bottom line that we might agree on is that it's a risk with generally unfavourable odds. Is casual sex really worth that risk? It's not like you can't get it elsewhere, it's fairly straightforward these days.
I can agree with most of what you said, and I certainly wouldn't have him act on personal testimonies, as I don't know him or their relationship (which is a rather large consideration), but it just seemed that a lot of people were portraying it as an overtly bad decision based on long odds, and wanted to offer a slightly different perspective from someone where it worked. I will agree (and for emphasis) that it is a risk, sometimes a considerable one, and that you really need to be reticent of whats going on for it to work, but that it can work.
Ok I'm reading this and have my gf on the skype so here's part of a female perspective to it as well. This won't work,it never works. Even if you somehow avoid falling in love with each other and find someone else,your relationship is going to be screwed over because of it. Think about it.If you find some other girl she is going to be INSANELY suspicious every time you guys meet to hang out or something since you two have a past with each other and if you don't tell her,your going to be fucked when it eventually comes out. Once you have sex with her it will never be the same again.
If you're taking her to salsa lessons its more then friends with benefits. There's obviously some emotional dependency between you two. Sex will mess it up.
Friends with benefits is possible, just not with someone you're really close with.
If you are interested in a females perspective on this, it is "do-able". Only problem is that the definition of do-able has multiple contingencies. I have had multiple friends with benefits situations so I might be biased, but if this is your first one I would suggest being careful. I have had a few turn bad, and a few turn out okay so really its all about what you guys can agree on. I believe your best option would be to agree that if anything physical happens, just be as buddy buddy as possible after. Don't treat each other like a boyfriend/gf would, but make sure the other person knows that you care and stuff, the last thing you want is someone feelings like they are being used.
On January 22 2012 07:12 peekn wrote: I think that you should go for it, usually people who you fall in serious love with are the people that are both your best friend and your best lover.
I have had some similar experience but not on such a serious level. I was in a class with a girl who I had known for a year or so, and really started to become good friends with her. Then it hit me, I really liked this girl. This is probably the same feelings that you are feeling now. I didn't act on those feelings that I had at the time, and I think that it is one of the worse decisions of my life. She's dating my best friend now
So I have to tell you don't make the same mistake that I did!!! You'll regret it!!
Your situation is completely different (at least from what he claims). You had a friend you wanted a romantic relationship with but either couldn't or didn't act on. He claims he DOESN'T want a romantic relationship, just a friendship and sex.
Personally, it sounds to me like you would have feelings for her if she had feelings for you, but you don't think she does. That being the case, even if you can separate sex and emotion with other girls, you might not be able to with her. I think you should find a way to let her know that you don't think a physical relationship is good for a friendship. If you think the friendship can take it and you're usually straightforward with her (and don't think it'd be violating any boundaries), let her know that you might be open to trying out a relationship if the time comes when she's ready.
I think fuck buddies generally work out better than friends with benefits, because there's almost no chance emotions get in the way due to the lack of social contact. Maybe get a fuck buddy somewhere else, and keep her as the friend
imo just see where it goes. Lessons can be learned either way. If you are really scared of it messing up your friendship with her just explain that to her then. Best of luck!
On January 22 2012 07:12 peekn wrote: I think that you should go for it, usually people who you fall in serious love with are the people that are both your best friend and your best lover.
I have had some similar experience but not on such a serious level. I was in a class with a girl who I had known for a year or so, and really started to become good friends with her. Then it hit me, I really liked this girl. This is probably the same feelings that you are feeling now. I didn't act on those feelings that I had at the time, and I think that it is one of the worse decisions of my life. She's dating my best friend now
So I have to tell you don't make the same mistake that I did!!! You'll regret it!!
Your situation is completely different (at least from what he claims). You had a friend you wanted a romantic relationship with but either couldn't or didn't act on. He claims he DOESN'T want a romantic relationship, just a friendship and sex.
Personally, it sounds to me like you would have feelings for her if she had feelings for you, but you don't think she does. That being the case, even if you can separate sex and emotion with other girls, you might not be able to with her. I think you should find a way to let her know that you don't think a physical relationship is good for a friendship. If you think the friendship can take it and you're usually straightforward with her (and don't think it'd be violating any boundaries), let her know that you might be open to trying out a relationship if the time comes when she's ready.
I think fuck buddies generally work out better than friends with benefits, because there's almost no chance emotions get in the way due to the lack of social contact. Maybe get a fuck buddy somewhere else, and keep her as the friend
It took me a minuet to figure out what you meant the difference between fuck buddies and friend with benefits. But i totally agree fuck buddies call up "Sex? Ok" friends with benefits your going to see them later that day or the next day with other people. Could you hold a conservation without looking at the other sexually? Doubt it i know i couldn't
It worked with me the couple times I did it. The friendships faded but that was because I went off to school or they did. It was nice when it lasted. However, I was the sort of person who was infatuated first, got what I wanted, then no longer saw them in a romantic light. I think it was probably better that way. They never got attached and neither did I.
one of my research courses actually studied Friends With Benefits extensively. i barely remember any of the results (and it'd be hard for me to go dig up the old data) but the general findings were that FWBs are perfectly fine (in that the individuals involved tend to be perfectly content) but tend to progress into traditional relationships quite frequently. the question then becomes "would our friendship survive a traditional relationships if it comes to that?"
god i wish i still had the reports. there was data on the quality of sex, the level of social stigma, the ratio of relationships that partake in oral sex, happiness rating, etc etc. why do i never keep the useful knowledge in my head haha.
basically if you want to base your decision off of empirical research and risk being the mean then i'd say you're fine with it.
Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever.
The only version of friends with benefits that works is strangers with benefits, AKA a one night stands.
This is just what I've witnessed and experienced both first hand, 2nd hand, and through stories from a 3rd party. So it doesn't 100% apply to you and your situation because nothing is, ofcourse, 100%. Hope this helps.
Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate .
My experience was different because we weren't really close friends, she was my best friend's sister and he had moved out of the country to study abroad...
Things got really messy: She decided to stop it, but then we somehow ended up doing it again, then she wanted to stop it again but wasn't sure, I got a gf, she got weirded out and we don't talk anymore. I'm still cool with her brother, though so it wasn't the worst possible scenario, but I just feel like "friends with benefits" is bound to get messy.
You really have to ask yourself, as does she, if you're going to act differently or potentially get jealous if either of you end up being in a relationship down the road. I went through something like this before for with someone I really didn't think I'd have feelings for. We were great friends, she was smoking hot, but similiar to you I just didn't want a relationship but was rather focused on myself and getting over a past relationship. About a year and a half in, she ended up dating someone and we immediately went from FWB's to simply friends, not even "good" friends. Her boyfriend found out about us and she pretty much promised him that she wouldn't see me anymore because he didn't like the fact that we were physical in the past.
When this happened I had a mix of emotions, but mostly regret. While I was alright with it (not seeing her anymore) the first week or so, I found myself second guessing where to go or what to do because we pretty much relied on eachother for the physical aspect of a relationship, while also having fun together (i.e your salsa could be an example). It's almost like a best friend of a few years saying "Hey, I think we should just be regular friends again. No more talking to eachother every day, doing things together etc." Once you progress a relationship with someone, it's really hard to back-track to where your relationship with eachother was before. I had the feelings similiar to being dumped, and ended up blaming myself for letting someone like her pass through my life without me doing anything about it. I never thought I'd care about her, but the day that she stopped calling, meeting me for coffee and talking over the phone I realized that I did care for her.
Anyways, sorry for practically making this my blog here. Basically, just consider the fact that if you become FWB's she could potentially end up being in a relationship with someone else. If this is strictly what you're looking for, and you don't want a relationship with this girl eventually, then solid. But if you think you might have stronger feelings for her down the road you need to tread lightly. It could either form an actual relationship between the two of you, or she would see that you're getting feelings for her and, as a friend, she would stop being your FWB as she wouldn't want to hurt you in the end.
In my experience it has worked out pretty fine I guess...
I mean, there were hurt feelings for some periods but in the end I remained friends with those I've tried it with...Would probably say I got abit closer to them actually. It might help if you just behave like it's the most normal thing in the world and try not to change the way you feel and behave even after you're done banging.
Also:
On January 22 2012 10:15 dranjam wrote: Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate .
Words of wisdom
But I'm not sure...if this really truly is your best friend and you have don't have any kind of desire to be in a relationship with this girl at all and would just prefer to remain friends til the end of time...then it would probably have been best not to do it in the first place
The problem is, if you guys go down this road and you successfully maintain your friendship afterward, you are now in a shitty situation with future relationships.
Basically, you get the choice of: a) telling your future girlfriend that you and your best friend had that kind of relationship...with the likely response being she doesn't want you two to see each other anymore/ends up having trust issues with the two of spending time alone. or b) you don't tell her at all... and then she ends up getting pissed off at you when she finds out later on which will likely either bring you back to a) or end your relationship all together or c) you never tell her and pray to god or whatever she never finds out. In my experience, girls tend to get more pissed off at you the longer you keep something from them :\
As much as you may want to tell yourself you won't be dating another girl that has jealousy issues I think you should be realistic and understand that, in this particular case, those reactions are "normal" rather than "crazy jealous bitch". Keep in mind, this same issue is going to be a problem with your best friend and her future boyfriends as well.
I personally think it's a bad idea mostly because it's someone you consider your best friend. My best friend is female as well and being able to do things like hang out with each other without a boyfriend or girlfriend in tow only works because they trust we are "just friends". Having a past, physical relationship suddenly throws a very real amount of doubt into the equation.
You can totally do it just fine, just understand/quell the fears that she, at any moment, may be sucking another man's cock and you can't do or say anything about it.
If you can handle that graphic thought without feeling bad, then you're in the clear.
It's hard to take a relationship to the height of intimacy and while bringing it back down to a normal friendship outside of the bed. It takes someone with a very...different perspective of friendship to pursue this with a friend you care about and not get emotionally attached.
if you prefer to have that friendship i suggest no friends with benefits. Now there is one more option, that is pretty much a maybe , set a limit to have sex, like 1 time in 2 weeks, it keeps feelings to a mininum, and you have a better chance of moving on without ruining your friendship.
lets just say this friends with benefits doesn't work out alot of the time.
On January 22 2012 10:15 dranjam wrote: Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate .
This is actually awesome advice thanks... When thinking about this, considering all the experiences I read here, both positive and negative, I can't help but think I should just let go and solve situations as they come by and have lots of fun, particularly after such a long lonely time. I'm just scared to lose my friendship. I don't know if I'm stressing this hard enough. I absolutely LOVE this friendship.
On January 22 2012 11:51 Inzek wrote: imo, dont get THAT involved, theres tons of girls to fuck, there are not tons of freinds (good friends)
wn honestamente conociendo a las minas aca.. no va a funcionar... no la pierdas como amiga. hay mas minas
also redtooth i want those reports :S
Gotta love the hometown advice :D
On January 22 2012 12:30 Auren wrote: As much as you may want to tell yourself you won't be dating another girl that has jealousy issues I think you should be realistic and understand that, in this particular case, those reactions are "normal" rather than "crazy jealous bitch". Keep in mind, this same issue is going to be a problem with your best friend and her future boyfriends as well.
Yes I definitely understand this, I think that whenever I start a relationship it's gonna be a problem. I mean, it's only normal for a girl to be jealous of another girl you had intimacy with, this kind of jealousy I can understand. When I say "crazy jealous bitch" I mean it ahaha, this girl was pathologically jealous.
On January 22 2012 10:13 Angelbelow wrote: Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever. .
This is one of my biggest doubts about this. I know for certain I can keep it casual, but does her wanting to do this mean she can do the same? Even if she states she doesn't want a relationship I still have my doubts.
Well, there's no way to say what she hopes to get out of it. Everyone can tell you their personal experiences with women they were with and what they wanted out of it, but it's all different. You are the best qualified person here to decide how likely it is that she's telling you the truth about what kind of relationship she wants.
If you have serious doubts about anything in a relationship, it will probably cause problems. If you keep worrying, look elsewhere for a fuck buddy.
On January 22 2012 10:15 dranjam wrote: Don't worry about what happens next. Maybe it will be perfect, maybe it will all turn to shit. If you think about it too much, you are wasting your time. Life is always ups and downs, my advice is just to have fun and take it as it is. All the best to you mate .
This is actually awesome advice thanks... When thinking about this, considering all the experiences I read here, both positive and negative, I can't help but think I should just let go and solve situations as they come by and have lots of fun, particularly after such a long lonely time. I'm just scared to lose my friendship. I don't know if I'm stressing this hard enough. I absolutely LOVE this friendship.
On January 22 2012 12:30 Auren wrote: As much as you may want to tell yourself you won't be dating another girl that has jealousy issues I think you should be realistic and understand that, in this particular case, those reactions are "normal" rather than "crazy jealous bitch". Keep in mind, this same issue is going to be a problem with your best friend and her future boyfriends as well.
Yes I definitely understand this, I think that whenever I start a relationship it's gonna be a problem. I mean, it's only normal for a girl to be jealous of another girl you had intimacy with, this kind of jealousy I can understand. When I say "crazy jealous bitch" I mean it ahaha, this girl was pathologically jealous.
On January 22 2012 10:13 Angelbelow wrote: Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever. .
This is one of my biggest doubts about this. I know for certain I can keep it casual, but does her wanting to do this mean she can do the same? Even if she states she doesn't want a relationship I still have my doubts.
Girls are the more emotional being. Even if she claims she can now, there's no telling where her emotions are going to take her next. That's really the biggest problem. The more you sleep together the more emotional she'll feel about you. When the time comes, its not reasonable to expect her to be objective =/. Thats the risk you're running.
My answer, soon-to-be-colleague and fellow countryman, is the following:
If you get benefits into a friendship and either you or her can't handle the change that makes, then yes, it fucks the relationship beyond any repairable point. If you agree that you can't get past friendship and both of you are OK with the "spice" added to your friendship (i.e: SEX), then go for it! What's bad about that?!
Things get awkward pretty fast when sex is involved between friends. If you're mature enough to understand that it is just sex and you guys don't let that get into your feelings, then everything will be fine.
Ahora, si el parcito se tiene ganas más alla de un revolconcillo ocasional... ¡¿Qué chucha esperan pa cambiar el status de Facebook a "en una relación?! ¡Póngale weno no más doctorcito!" Jejeje
Somehow - I don't know how - but my own best friend has actually been a so-called "friend with benefits" for quite a while. I seriously have no idea how it works, but by some miracle, it actually works...
On January 22 2012 10:13 Angelbelow wrote: Girls wanting to be friends with benefits = she likes you and wants a relationship. (This is assuming you guys do it more than once and each time you do it the odds of her wanting a relationship increases.) I can't tell you how many times I've seen this situation unfold before my eyes whether its personal experience or the experience of my friends. Being in a fraternity back in my college days, this shit happens all the time and its always a mess. If shes really your "best friend" then doing it even once is probably going to change the nature of your friendship forever. .
This is one of my biggest doubts about this. I know for certain I can keep it casual, but does her wanting to do this mean she can do the same? Even if she states she doesn't want a relationship I still have my doubts.
This is already your red flag that you needed. Girls saying they don't want a relationship but always sticks around and stuff...AND you have your doubts. Your doubts are telling you something; listen to them.
On January 22 2012 12:30 Auren wrote: The problem is, if you guys go down this road and you successfully maintain your friendship afterward, you are now in a shitty situation with future relationships.
Basically, you get the choice of: a) telling your future girlfriend that you and your best friend had that kind of relationship...with the likely response being she doesn't want you two to see each other anymore/ends up having trust issues with the two of spending time alone. or b) you don't tell her at all... and then she ends up getting pissed off at you when she finds out later on which will likely either bring you back to a) or end your relationship all together or c) you never tell her and pray to god or whatever she never finds out. In my experience, girls tend to get more pissed off at you the longer you keep something from them :\
Also this pretty much says the things you need to consider as well. I know its enticing...but don't do it dude. Good Luck.
Anyways... yesterday, this girl had a small party at her place. She was a bit odd but still nice to me, I didn't care I guessed she wanted some space so I gave it gladly... after all we talk almost every day. Then there were only 3 invites left and 2 were leaving together and offered me a ride so I accepted.
Next thing you know, text comes in: "I thought you were staying a bit longer "
Fuck me hahahahah
BTW... I haven't completely made up my mind yet, but I think I'm already on a path, want it or not :S.
EPT
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