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So I'll try to keep this post from being all messed up and pretty much unreadable.
I think I found out why I'm almost constantly in a state of depression, I don't trust ANYONE. Seriously, I don't even trust my mother, or anyone. I know the reason to why I don't trust my father I think, I would say it's because he's a (bad language inc) fucking alcoholic liar and a goddamn idiot that doens's do anything except watch porn and drink. He's lied to me so many times I can't count them but it's a lot. Do you think that could be the reason for me not trusting people, or am I just trying to shift the blame over to somebody else?
This trust issue is a problem that I don't really want to fix, that sounds stupid as shit and I know it, but I don't want to trust anyone and just get lied to again. Which is weird IMO, shouldn't I be getting used to it or smth?
My mon even said to me that I'm just like a seasoned drug addict and that I've got this unpenetrable shell that I live in. That is true I admit that, but why would I want it any other way, I would rather just be depressed and empty, just stay at the bottom so I wont have to bang my head against it when I fall again, haha, I could teach Shakespeare a thing or two.
/sarcasm
So the real question I guess is; how can I learn to want to be helped? (post if you didn't understand the question and I will edit)
PS.
I know it sounds really ironic when I say that I have this issue and then share it with the internet, but it's not the same as talking to someone about it because, most likely, I will never meet any of you, but if I talk with someone that I know (or a psychologist/professional) I can meet them anywhere and know that they know my entire fucking life history.
If anyone posts something like "Wtf..." please explain what I did wrong this time?
And please, let me know about any gramatical mistakes, would help me with my English grade 
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United States5162 Posts
You can't. If you want to fix this you need to get professional help.
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you just slowly have to let people in in small steps, i was and somewhat still am in the same situation. Just, whenever you're doubting whether or not to tell someone something, just do it. This will slightly and continuously move your trust border outwards. Still takes .. probably a few years, depending on how far you want to go. But it works, at least for me.
/edit: @guy above saying you must have professional help - i don't think you really have to, but it helps a lot. I did actually, and it helped. But in the end, professional help only helps you get to realizations faster. You still *can* get them without, but it takes even longer.
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wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too big a problem, unless you wanna write a life-story and describe everything about yourself i dont know what to say (but hopefully someone else does)
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i would say "its not that big an issue once you know how to escape it and its toll on your mind"
probably some lifestyle changes and stuff. but i know nothing about you :3
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United States5162 Posts
On November 04 2011 02:43 MisterD wrote:
you just slowly have to let people in in small steps, i was and somewhat still am in the same situation. Just, whenever you're doubting whether or not to tell someone something, just do it. This will slightly and continuously move your trust border outwards. Still takes .. probably a few years, depending on how far you want to go. But it works, at least for me.
/edit: @guy above saying you must have professional help - i don't think you really have to, but it helps a lot. I did actually, and it helped. But in the end, professional help only helps you get to realizations faster. You still *can* get them without, but it takes even longer.
The major problem I see is that he doesn't really want to change. Of course, by making this post he kinda does, but like the guys who post 'Why can't I stop procrastinating?', there's not much to say except it must not be important enough to you. So imo, there's nothing we're going to say to make that change.
Of course, your right that he could stumble upon the realization he's looking for, but getting professional help seems like a more sure-fire option.
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I think you choose to go that way, or you can just choose to ignore the most negative and look for the best in everything. I try to go into every encounter with someone assuming they are a good trustworthy person. I find if you come off with that sort of attitude a lot of people will respond in kind. If you come into every encounter with someone with a horribly negative outlook and being completely distrustful chances are that person will read that in you and respond with the same demeanor.
I guess to temper that approach I never throw myself into it. I mean if you throw yourself completely and someone and trust them with everything that's simply overwhelming, or, if they untrustworthy, dangerous. Trust them with things you don't hold in high regards, things that aren't particularly important to you. Once you get to know the person more closely and if you still deem them to be an honest person you can begin sharing more.
That's the approach I've been trying to take over the last few years. Trust me, I sympathize with your position, it's easy to feel like that. You have to make a concentrated effort to be open and optimistic, that's just human nature. I find though that if you exude trust and honesty people with similar qualities will gravitate to you.
I guess it comes down heavily to trying to look for good in everything, and try not to let the bad weigh to heavily. If work is stressful, just ignore the stress and do the work, eventually it'll work itself out. If something breaks try to fix it, if a problem arises try to fix it. Too often when something goes wrong people just go, "well shit, this isn't working, I give up," and they don't try, past a cursory effort. Usually it's easier to overcome these obstacles than we think.
Good luck.
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On November 04 2011 03:05 fire_brand wrote:
[...]Trust me, [...]
ninja psychology!
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Trust is something that for everyone is punished as much as it is rewarded. How hard you take the times it punishes you and how much you value the times it rewards you will determine how well you are capable of trusting people.
If someone betrays your trust often (you dad?) it's okay, you don't have to trust them anymore. With people you don't know, I think you will have trouble functioning in life if you don't give them a chance. I think many times in life we don't even have a choice to trust someone or not, because not trusting them limits us to much (co-workers, people we live with, etc.)
You might be talking about trusting someone with your emotions, but it is the same thing. Sometimes you will be betrayed, sometimes you will feel really good and find someone you can count on. This is how it goes... Of course, there might be times when what 'breaking trust' means to you is inconsistent with what it means to another. Some people will get extremely offended if someone is 5 minutes late, some people will think that's normal and not an infraction at all. Some people care about people remembering birthdays, some people do not.
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When you find someone worth trusting you'll learn to trust them. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with not trusting people by default, hell you don't want to be one of those people sending money to fake Nigerian princes do ya?
But seriously, keep your natural distrust of strangers intact and if someone consistently makes good on their promises (ie builds up trust with you) all will be good and you'll have no reason to not trust them.
Edit - I probably should have clarified - you still need to be open to the possibility that people won't let you down. IE give them a chance to prove themselves worthy of your trust.
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That could be the reason for you not trusting your father, if he keeps lying to you. It's his fault for being untrustworthy. When I realise some of my friends exaggerate a lot I can't stand talking to him/her seriously anymore other that random small talk/jokes. But I can't judge your situation well of course.
In my opinion I don't have this problem and I tend to trust people until they prove themselves wrong then I'll be careful about everything they say, which is why I try to be honest, unless when I'm joking of course :D.
I don't know how to help you on that because in my opinion it's also the people you meet in your life. If everyone I meet happen to be all full of crap I won't know what to do either.....
However you wanting to learning to wanting to be helped already means that you want to be helped.
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On November 04 2011 02:43 MisterD wrote:
you just slowly have to let people in in small steps, i was and somewhat still am in the same situation. Just, whenever you're doubting whether or not to tell someone something, just do it. This will slightly and continuously move your trust border outwards. Still takes .. probably a few years, depending on how far you want to go. But it works, at least for me.
/edit: @guy above saying you must have professional help - i don't think you really have to, but it helps a lot. I did actually, and it helped. But in the end, professional help only helps you get to realizations faster. You still *can* get them without, but it takes even longer.
I think this was good advice. Doing things that you need to do despite not wanting to do it in the moment is the way to go. In steps.
Also you can go to a professional without needing to tell them everything.
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I will never trust anyone ever. Never having "that connection" doesn't compare to being hurt from those you have trusted in the past. That and people are shady as fuck.
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On November 04 2011 04:58 divito wrote:
I will never trust anyone ever. Never having "that connection" doesn't compare to being hurt from those you have trusted in the past. That and people are shady as fuck.
Gonna have to second this opinion. My parents also taught me that I couldn't trust anyone.
But I'm not depressed though. My solution was to find happiness within. Just do things that make you happy and don't worry about the fact that the world is full of selfish lying pricks.
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Rather than providing limited info and asking strangers I suggest you make a little research by yourself. A good place to start might be here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder
At least it helped me. But before you begin, keep in mind that reading through the symptoms and relating is absolutely normal. Pretty much anyone can relate to some or even all of the features of a certain disorder. If you think one of these fits you, try to find more literature on the matter. For example: Personality disorders in modern life, Theodore Millon.
Finally, there are criteria for diagnosing the person and it's the job of a professional - which you might want to seek out eventually. Also, if you can't trust anyone, you might have a difficult time trusting the shrink either, but it's their job to know how to gain the patient's trust, so don't get discouraged if you bump into a bad one.
I was recently diagnosed with one of the disorders and knowing it helps. It doesn't solve the issues, but knowing that you're not alone is like a warm hug.
TL will obviously want to be helpful here, but giving advices over such a short blog post is nonsense. Seek out professional help. If you want to talk about this more in depth message me, I'll be happy to discuss, even more so since I probably have similiar issues. Either way, good luck!
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Since I really don't like the idea of not answering, I will answer but I don't really know what to say.
I'm not always depressed, just sometimes it hits like a cannonball or smth, and I just don't want to do anything. Sometimes it just passes (that can take a long time), and sometimes I just have to talk with my..."soulmate" I guess you can call it, and she sits there and listens to my shit, then she is just so supportive and that helps alot. (I brought her in because she is the only person I really trust and because she is awesome )
Fuck psychologists seriously, I'm just going to try to be more positive ^^
Thanks for answers though, and since I don't see anything about my grammar I guess it is perfect?
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That isn't the why/cause. It's symptoms of the problem.
How can I learn to want to be helped?
You say you have problems with trust. Shrinks/Doctors are full-disclosure man; same with groups. It's a mental barrier and that's why depression is coined mental health. They are there to help and the thing is you have to find the right person/group for you.
I am a firm believer in not needing medication as well as long as you can cope and it doesn't effect your everyday activities/functions.
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@StarStruck
I get by, I wont suicide or smth because then I would lose my "soulmate" and I really do NOT want that to happen. And If she leaves I don't have anything to live for anyway ^^
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On November 04 2011 07:01 achristes wrote:
@StarStruck
I get by, I wont suicide or smth because then I would lose my "soulmate" and I really do NOT want that to happen. And If she leaves I don't have anything to live for anyway ^^
The means don't justify the end. Look, something can always happen so don't become to dependent on one person and it goes way beyond thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide and suicide itself. Great, you have one person to talk to. You cannot become to reliant on her nor do you want to put all of your own shit on top of her own shit. It isn't healthy.
I didn't bring up suicide. You did. I was thinking about crimes in general. Then you go on to say you would have nothing to live for if she did pass away or left you. That's a terrible mindset to have and you are putting a ton of weight on her.
Shit happens all the time. How you deal with it is what counts. Contingency plans help.
Try to keep an open-mind and treat others as you would want to be treated and you'll do just fine. Doesn't mean you have to write a tell-all book about yourself.
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@StarStruck
Sorry, I did not mean explicitly suicide.
That I put alot of pressure on her, yes obviously I do, but we've talked about and we kinda do it to eachother, all the time. We are in the same situation, just that she actually has a lot more problems than I have. Eating disorder, retardedly low self-esteem, suicidal (she has attempted before) and cutting herself. The suicide and cutting part I actually managed to get her to stop with, and I'm still working on the self-esteem and eating part (she survives, but she doesn't eat a whole lot, and yes her mother knows).
I know that bonding to closely to another person is risky, but she needs it (and I'm more than willing to be there as long as she wants me to) because her ex has been a complete fucking retard. And they were dating for 3 years or so, and all that time he has been a fucking dick. He actully got mad at her when he found out she was cutting herself!
I have to stop talking about that, or else I would have to break something.
My point is that we...fit, if that's an appropriate way to put it. And I kindof meant that right now, I wouldn't have shit if she left, but later? I don't know, I can't see the future.
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I am somewhat similar in my lack of trust. I don't automatically trust anyone with information unless I cannot conceive of any method in which that information can be used against me, or if the person would have no motive to. If you're like this, keep reading below, but if you simply don't trust anyone under any circumstance, then I would recommend a psychologist.
It's understandable that you don't want to reveal things to people, but you will feel much better if you share with just a couple of people. People on the internet are convenient since they don't know your identity. Try this and see how you feel.
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Yes and that in itself is unhealthy.
You cannot fix her; the same way she cannot fix you. It comes from within. You accept each other for what you are and perhaps her history and your history is what ties you two together.
You got to be able to take care of yourself before you can start taking care of another person.
As bad as her ex might have been. That shit is over. You can hold all the grudges in the world, but what will that get you? Nothing.
So your father was an ass and an embarrassment to you. You wanted to help him, but he couldn't even help himself. It stops right there.
Got to find a way to move on just like any road block.
If one way doesn't work you try another way. Again and again until you start making progress.
The point I'm trying to make is a change of scenery can help. Change the places you hang out. Meet new people. Participate in activities you enjoy and who knows. You might meet some new people that don't totally suck.
It really comes down to the way you carry yourself and the body language you give-off. Try to stay positive (as you said you are trying to do) and a little more open-minded.
Anyway, that's my two cents on the matter.
Best of luck to you two.
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@StarStruck again ^^
Yeah, I know I'm probably just being stupid/naive, I'm not trying to fix anything, just trying to help, and if that's not allowed then... IDK ^^
But I can see your point and it's firmly planted in my brain now, and that's alot more than two cents if you ask me.
(I know it's just a way of speech, but I felt like joking so I did )
EDIT: And thank you for the GL
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EPT
