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Before I start the bulk of this post I would like to reiterate the fact that this is serious, it is a personal issue, I would appreciate it if you were serious and stayed away from posting some one line answer which is straight trash. Your answer will be ignored and Ill add you to my hit list. 
So lets get started with some background information about myself and maybe a little about my life. I am a student at East Carolina University, I turn 21 this year. I am in probably the best shape of my life. I have been single for the past.. eh 6 months getting out of a 2 year relationship. I guess you could say I was pretty much in love, I was head over heels, but it is a funny thing you learn about people after a while. The love of my life wound up cheating on me, and I would say I am pretty over her.
To give you a synopsis of this relationship yes we did have sex on a constant basis, everything always went well, we did not go to the same school, but she went to a college right next to mine.
Now lets move on from that onto more recent events. So, I sign this girls name on an attendance sheet because she sat with me and 2 other friends and I thought it would be a nice gesture. Well things lead to one another and it turns into something amazing. I found myself having awesome conversations with this girl through facebook and in class. We eventually hang out a few times.. watch a couple movies, stay up and just talk, cuddle a little bit and everything was going spectacular. I practically had the best week in a VERY long time just last week.
But with everything going great there has to be something that is wrong... I was kind of right, but I want people opinions on what they would do in my situation. My mind is made up, your goal is not to convince me, your goal should be to inform me, provide input for others that may arise in this situation.
While me and the girl were asking questions to each other it eventually came up that she wears a purity ring. (From the small conversation we had it was because her grandma wanted her too and so shes wearing it for now) for those of you who do not know what that is, it is a ring that a girl wears when she is waiting for marriage to have sex. I admit, this caught me by a huge blind side.. I have never been in the situation.. but I told her (and truly believe everything I said) that I respect that and that it is awesome that she believes in something for whatever her cause.
So, tons of things have gone through my head recently, for instance how much does she limit.. is she "everything but" or really strict on any intimacy. I will say right now, I am in NO WAY some sex-aholic, but I do think intimacy is a huge part of any relationship and that it is needed. Some of the other questions were like, does she think I will take advantage over her if she would stay over or something. And because I have already had sex does that make me "unpure" or something? Will she even like me.. I have not straight up told her.. but a 2 year relationship probably speaks for itself...
So where I am at now, I could care less what people think. I have an amazing time with this girl, and she's not the average girl, and shes def not some random slut that usually tries to get with me. She is an art major, intelligent, kind and cares, these things alone make her so much better then just the average boring girl that is comparable to a rock. I really want to make this happen and work. I know I am not locked in for life or something, and if it doesnt work out.. well it doesnt work out. But I dont want to miss out on this exciting new chapter in my life because I was scared away by someones views. I have talked to very few people about this and have kept it pretty down low because I wanted to make sure I made up my mind before I asked others what they would do if they were in my position, so I leave you with this.
Say you were in my position, the girl you were hitting it off with you come to find out is waiting until marriage. Is that a red flag for you? I want to hear your opinions! Maybe you have stories of your own. This doesnt have to be about my situation particularly but just the idea in general. So please post, share your thoughts. I promise to keep you all updated. Feel free to ask me any questions, I will be as open as I can! I think I am making the right choice.
The girl is worth it.
P.S. I know inControl and Anna are in a similar situation.. maybe they will see this and comment.. I would appreciate (=
 
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It really depends how much she's willing to do. If it's "anything but", no problem. Don't a lot of evangelical kids have rampant butt-sex because it keeps their purity intact?
By the way, that's actually semi-serious. Physical intimacy is something that is an essential part of a life-long commitment, and deferring testing whether you have physical chemistry is risky. Marriage isn't just about having kids and dinner conversation, sex plays a huge part in it.
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On February 25 2011 00:15 bonifaceviii wrote:
It really depends how much she's willing to do. If it's "anything but", no problem.
Don't a lot of evangelical kids have rampant butt-sex because it keeps their purity intact?
Honestly have no IDEA... She isnt the most religious person in the world.. I don't even think she goes to church.. I think it was more of a thing to keep her close to her grandma and her beliefs when she died.. I feel like if they are really religious it would probably mean they would not do anything.
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On February 25 2011 00:10 Noxie wrote:
But I dont want to miss out on this exciting new chapter in my life because I was scared away by someones views.
I think this sentence says it all. Its pretty much how I feel as well. She may have some very personal reasons for her purity ring. It seems almost unfair to judge her by it, and therefore miss out on an opportunity to spend some time with her.
However, I also agree that intimacy is very important. Being physical, cuddling, even kissing and such creates a deeper bond between two people, more so than one does with a friend.
And finally, if she ever uses the purity ring in a "holier-than-thou" way, thats a major problem to me. As you mentioned in your post, if she ever thinks of you as "unpure" it will create a major divide in the relationship.
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On February 25 2011 00:17 cody1024d wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 00:10 Noxie wrote:
But I dont want to miss out on this exciting new chapter in my life because I was scared away by someones views. I think this sentence says it all. Its pretty much how I feel as well. She may have some very personal reasons for her purity ring. It seems almost unfair to judge her by it, and therefore miss out on an opportunity to spend some time with her. However, I also agree that intimacy is very important. Being physical, cuddling, even kissing and such creates a deeper bond between two people, more so than one does with a friend. And finally, if she ever uses the purity ring in a "holier-than-thou" way, thats a major problem to me. As you mentioned in your post, if she ever thinks of you as "unpure" it will create a major divide in the relationship.
Thats exactly where I am at, and kind of what other people pointed out. I am not locked in for life by this. I think I was looking way to into it. But that is kind of why I like to see other peoples thoughts (=
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I've no idea how the culture is like where you live/study, over here its pretty normal to abstain till marriage thanks to our conservative society, although increasingly the younger generation is breaking away from that "boring" image.
Personally I wouldn't mind, after all intimacy doesn't require intercourse imho. Then again I've been single all my life =/
Wouldn't your choice depend greatly on how far this girl is willing to go in terms of intimacy?
edit: ooh new update re: late grandma. Her purity ring seems to be an attachment to her granny so I'd say respecting that is paramount in any relationship with her i.e. even as a friend if you were to diss her ring it would be like being disrespectful to her grandma - depending on how she treats her elders this may be pret-ty significant
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On February 25 2011 00:29 JFKWT wrote:
I've no idea how the culture is like where you live/study, over here its pretty normal to abstain till marriage thanks to our conservative society, although increasingly the younger generation is breaking away from that "boring" image.
Personally I wouldn't mind, after all intimacy doesn't require intercourse imho. Then again I've been single all my life =/
Wouldn't your choice depend greatly on how far this girl is willing to go in terms of intimacy?
Yes, and in America, I would say this mindset is in a minority.. at least at specifically in a college atmosphere. But, I feel like I shouldn't make some yes or no choice, but instead ride the relationship out and hopefully it works out. As long as I am okay with whats going on in the relationship and she feels the same, then who cares what others think. I don't want to say it would make a difference.. but I think in the back of my head it may. All I know right now regardless of anything, is that I want to get to know her more, and work into a relationship. I feel like that is something I would bring up as we get closer and closer to being an official couple.
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moktira
Ireland1548 Posts
While I have not been in that situation myself, I think if you're totally crazy about someone it won't really bother you, because it's her you'll respect it as her decision if you really feel that strongly about her I would find. At the same time you are only 20, I know I have changed an awful lot since I was 20 and I do not think any relationships I was in around that age could ever have lasted long. But having said that I've never felt that strongly about any girl I knew back then.
Judging by what you wrote and the way you wrote I think you've already made up your mind on this situation though and if there's one thing I've learned about this stuff recently, it's that you probably shouldn't analyse it too much, just play it by ear and see how it develops.
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You are right in the fact that the minority of Americans pick abstinence and wait till marriage. However, you shouldn't buckle under any peer pressure.
Short and simple, if this girl is worth it, then wait!
I'm currently in a 2 year relationship with the girl I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. Although we've already had sex, and do on a regular basis, if she wanted to stop and wait for whatever reason, I would do so. It's all about how devoted you are and how far you are willing to go for a girl.
Either way, if you haven't discussed with her yet, you should when an oppurtunity arises. Communication is really important and this is not one of those small topics you can just brush off. Learn everything you can about her views and what her purity ring means to her. Respect her situation and who knows, it could all work out better than you could have ever imagined!
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Thanks for the input, I intend on bringing it up at some point. I am not sure when that should be but I am trying so hard not for it to get in the way of how things go, and so far it hasn't. Generally speaking I have basically made up my mind, It is just kind of how I need to go about things from here.. but I think playing it by ear is fine. Like I have stated before everything seems worth it to me, and that really is all that should matter.
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You can only run into problems in relationship when you want to change another person.
This comes from someone who has absolutely no relationships of any kind.
If you want to be someone, there is no reason not to. People tend to overthink things.
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On February 25 2011 01:02 HwangjaeTerran wrote:
You can only run into problems in relationship when you want to change another person.
This comes from someone who has absolutely no relationships of any kind.
If you want to be someone, there is no reason not to. People tend to overthink things.
Well as I know it seems that simple.. I feel like I may not trust myself, I dont want to get extremely attached and then have some realization that I can't control my emotions ... It wouldn't be necessary her changing.. but maybe my mindset.. I mean right now everything seems so great, I respect her decision, but what about a year after we've been going out? What about 2 or 3? I don't want to change myself.. and I think that is one of the major things that worried me.. But like I said, I need to worry about that when it happens. Right now we are just talking... but I am guessing we will be together officially in the near future
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It sure sounds like it and I'm happy for you  A great way to recover after a less than happy ending in the previous relationship.
Just make sure you don't overstep any boundaries or act too aggressively if you want to change her mindset. Her views are sacred to her, so you don't want to do anything overly offensive. If you are the right guy though, there's nothing saying that you can't sway her mindset or find a happy equilibrium for both of you.
Play it by ear, take your time and just let things happen naturally. Don't worry too much about the what-ifs and just enjoy her company. The rest follows through. And who knows, you could always fall so head over heels you get married sooner than you think xD. The average age of married couples in America is dropping, so it wouldn't be completely unheard of.
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from my experience and point of view...
the ring is a consecuence of other beliefs, explore those beliefs and see if those are against yours or not, if you can live with them; and in a long term (marriage) if you want those beliefs in your kids (if, if, if).
How strict is she about those beliefs, etc.
My "advice", live the relationship, you can always end it if it turn outs somehow bad, but in the meantime if is everything ok, go on.
also, the op tittle is tricky
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moktira
Ireland1548 Posts
On February 25 2011 01:05 Noxie wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 01:02 HwangjaeTerran wrote:
You can only run into problems in relationship when you want to change another person.
This comes from someone who has absolutely no relationships of any kind.
If you want to be someone, there is no reason not to. People tend to overthink things. Well as I know it seems that simple.. I feel like I may not trust myself, I dont want to get extremely attached and then have some realization that I can't control my emotions ... It wouldn't be necessary her changing.. but maybe my mindset.. I mean right now everything seems so great, I respect her decision, but what about a year after we've been going out? What about 2 or 3? I don't want to change myself.. and I think that is one of the major things that worried me.. But like I said, I need to worry about that when it happens. Right now we are just talking... but I am guessing we will be together officially in the near future
A year or two after you're going out is a long while away, especially considering you haven't even started going out. If after a year you feel differently or want to change her or her mindset well then you may realise there are other issues and she's not as right as you first thought, however, if after a year you are still crazy about her well then you won't feel much different to the situation than you feel now, I think if you're still that concerned about it by then and still respect her to the same extent you won't need to worry about controlling you're emotions, if it plays that big a part on your mind I think you'll just control them.
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Congrats on meeting someone wonderful.
In my mind, there are two main reasons people tend to wear purity reasons-- for themselves, or for other people.
If someone is wearing a purity ring because they feel strongly about abstinence before marriage, I really admire that. As you said, in a long relationship, refraining from sex is difficult. Just because they are wearing that ring doesn't mean they don't have the same sexual desires as anyone else. For me, I could disagree with a person on a lot of things, but if I see them living out their convictions, even when it's hard, I have enormous respect for that person. I think it's a sign of integrity and maturity.
Sometimes, people wear a purity ring because of other people. I grew up in a deeply religious home, and my parents required me to wear one. I respect their views, but I do not share them. The ring came to mean something different to me than they intended-- it served as a reminder that I want sex to be reserved for someone I love and trust. I think it's a special thing that shouldn't be thrown around casually. I am not married, and I have had sex with two people-- one whom I was in a relationship with for 3 years, and my best friend, who I have been involved with over the last year.
If her grandmother gave her the ring, it may be that this girl shares her grandmother's convictions and wears it for herself as well as for her grandma. It might also be that she doesn't necessarily share her grandmother's views, but she respects them and wears it out of memory of her grandma. If it is the first case-- good for you, you've found someone who can do the harder thing because they believe it's right. That's someone worth pursuing. If it's the second case, as things get more serious, I don't think you will need to worry about it. Like I said, the ring doesn't take away someone's natural desires to be intimate with the person they care about. If she doesn't deeply believe in staying pure, she will not try that hard to combat her natural feelings.
Don't be afraid of her ring and beliefs. If she is a wonderful person you have a ton of fun with, who makes you happy, who you could very well fall in love with-- she is totally worth getting to know more. A purity ring shouldn't be a deal breaker. If you can love someone you are having sex with, you can love them the same without the sex. Someone you love is worth waiting for if it matters to them.
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On February 25 2011 01:20 Inzek wrote:
from my experience and point of view...
the ring is a consecuence of other beliefs, explore those beliefs and see if those are against yours or not, if you can live with them; and in a long term (marriage) if you want those beliefs in your kids (if, if, if).
How strict is she about those beliefs, etc.
My "advice", live the relationship, you can always end it if it turn outs somehow bad, but in the meantime if is everything ok, go on.
I actually thought a bit about that. Granted that seems SOOOO far in the future its not something for me to worry about. But I feel like its a good decision. It definitely doesnt hurt you .. maybe holds you back at some points. But they seem to genuine and there is a good reason. I am (in no surprise) not the most relgious person, but I have worked at a YMCA and have taught Christian morales to kids, I never thought I was brainwashing them, with idea's I did not think would help them. And kind of tieing that in to this. I think that this concept is perfectly acceptable.. though I feel like it should be a persons choice.. not what parents want for their kids.
I am actually kind of anxious if anyone has had any experience with this...Maybe a parent that wanted them to live their life like this or something.
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If you can grow to love this girl without sex, imagine how much better it would be with it. Abstaining from sex before marriage is pretty normal dude. Sex shouldn't make or break a relationship. Also tell her about you having sex too. I'm sure she won't care. I doubt she's that naive.
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From your post and replies I see that you lack one thing: information. You're assuming / wondering a lot of things. If you really have such awesome conversations with her just bring it up. Just ask her how she thinks about it.
A thing to note is that she said she wears it because her grandma asked it, find out if she wears it for her grandma or because she 'believes' in the ideals behind the ring.
I do however agree with you, if she truely doesn't want to have sex before marriage you should definitly respect that.
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On February 25 2011 01:28 RedJustice wrote:Congrats on meeting someone wonderful. In my mind, there are two main reasons people tend to wear purity reasons-- for themselves, or for other people. If someone is wearing a purity ring because they feel strongly about abstinence before marriage, I really admire that. As you said, in a long relationship, refraining from sex is difficult. Just because they are wearing that ring doesn't mean they don't have the same sexual desires as anyone else. For me, I could disagree with a person on a lot of things, but if I see them living out their convictions, even when it's hard, I have enormous respect for that person. I think it's a sign of integrity and maturity. Sometimes, people wear a purity ring because of other people. I grew up in a deeply religious home, and my parents required me to wear one. I respect their views, but I do not share them. The ring came to mean something different to me than they intended-- it served as a reminder that I want sex to be reserved for someone I love and trust. I think it's a special thing that shouldn't be thrown around casually. I am not married, and I have had sex with two people-- one whom I was in a relationship with for 3 years, and my best friend, who I have been involved with over the last year. If her grandmother gave her the ring, it may be that this girl shares her grandmother's convictions and wears it for herself as well as for her grandma. It might also be that she doesn't necessarily share her grandmother's views, but she respects them and wears it out of memory of her grandma. If it is the first case-- good for you, you've found someone who can do the harder thing because they believe it's right. That's someone worth pursuing. If it's the second case, as things get more serious, I don't think you will need to worry about it. Like I said, the ring doesn't take away someone's natural desires to be intimate with the person they care about. If she doesn't deeply believe in staying pure, she will not try that hard to combat her natural feelings. Don't be afraid of her ring and beliefs. If she is a wonderful person you have a ton of fun with, who makes you happy, who you could very well fall in love with-- she is totally worth getting to know more. A purity ring shouldn't be a deal breaker. If you can love someone you are having sex with, you can love them the same without the sex. Someone you love is worth waiting for if it matters to them.
Thanks so much for posting, I love hearing your side seeing as your parents kind of forced it on you. I dont think I am too afraid .. especially as I have been talking more and more with her.. its just not that big of a deal.
But I wanted to let you know that I thought your post was incredibly insightful. (=
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EPT![[image loading]](http://meaningofflower-s.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/true-love-waits-ring1.jpg)
