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Some perspective, I am 35 years old, married and have two children. I dated a women for 7 years before we got married because neither of us had much reason to change things. I am happy with the vast majority of choices I have made in life.
Going back to when I was 16 I dated a devout Mormon, this meant there was no chance of anything sexual, kissing and heavy petting was ok but that was it. We had very good conversations about sexuality and it was one of the better relationships of my life. In the end my hormones won out over the relationship and I moved on. We maintained a friendship through the years.
The 20/20 hindsight She ended up marrying fairly early in life and having children at a young age with her husband. For some people I can see now, since I have children of my own that this is the right decision for them. For me, I needed to have more life experience before I even considered children.
Then when I was 22 I tried having a relationship again with a woman, who was keeping herself till marriage. The result was similar. Again I was not ready.
What is my point?
There are some people who want to settle into a family earlier. There are some people who want to experience more of life before settling. There are some people who want to never have a family.
I was someone that initially never wanted a family, hence the no marriage for a long period. In the end I chose the middle option listed above, but I have had moderate experience with all 3. I have to say that it took living through the options to understand the choice. In the long run, only you can know what will make you happy and only you will know if you will regret a decision.
Life can be funny too, it took 2 very major tragedies in my wife and my life in short succession to change our minds on marriage and kids. Again looking back with 20/20 hindsight, it drove us to the right decision and we could not be happier.
Good luck in making your choices. Treat your relationships with respect and it is unlikely to be anything but a good long term experience.
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Sucks religious bullshit like that can hinder a potentially great relationship.
The only advice I can offer is that you talk to her about it honestly. If she isn't receptive to your opinions, drop it.
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It's not. It's a legit concern, you didn't miss anything.
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On February 25 2011 02:46 Eeryck wrote:
Some perspective, I am 35 years old, married and have two children. I dated a women for 7 years before we got married because neither of us had much reason to change things. I am happy with the vast majority of choices I have made in life.
Going back to when I was 16 I dated a devout Mormon, this meant there was no chance of anything sexual, kissing and heavy petting was ok but that was it. We had very good conversations about sexuality and it was one of the better relationships of my life. In the end my hormones won out over the relationship and I moved on. We maintained a friendship through the years.
The 20/20 hindsight She ended up marrying fairly early in life and having children at a young age with her husband. For some people I can see now, since I have children of my own that this is the right decision for them. For me, I needed to have more life experience before I even considered children.
Then when I was 22 I tried having a relationship again with a woman, who was keeping herself till marriage. The result was similar. Again I was not ready.
What is my point?
There are some people who want to settle into a family earlier. There are some people who want to experience more of life before settling. There are some people who want to never have a family.
I was someone that initially never wanted a family, hence the no marriage for a long period. In the end I chose the middle option listed above, but I have had moderate experience with all 3. I have to say that it took living through the options to understand the choice. In the long run, only you can know what will make you happy and only you will know if you will regret a decision.
Life can be funny too, it took 2 very major tragedies in my wife and my life in short succession to change our minds on marriage and kids. Again looking back with 20/20 hindsight, it drove us to the right decision and we could not be happier.
Good luck in making your choices. Treat your relationships with respect and it is unlikely to be anything but a good long term experience.
Thanks for the insight Eric.. I guess that is one of my fears or what might happen. I guess its not something you really have control of before you are in the situation though. I am glad it eventually worked out for you. I am not sure when I want to get married.. I would say not very soon.. but within 6 years.. I would say.
@Twist As much as it may suck, stuff like this effects everyday life all the time. It's not something I have much of a problem with, and I am going to talk to her honestly about it.. I am just hoping it works out. Like I said, as long as she is not like repulsed by me being interested about it... I dont think anything she says could change how I feel or where I want to go with in a relationship
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Wait and then get married relatively soon (1-3 years after dating)
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Personally, that is a red flag. I'm very harsh with views, odd because I'm an aspiring sociology and psychologist.
But the reality of it all is that I don't accept a lot of views, not because they're wrong or I disagree with them, but because there are some views that clash with the rigid rationale and logic I have. When I'm with someone who has a purity ring, I don't see an interest or future because I find myself conflicted with how I express a love or affection and how she does. Clearly, she doesn't need coitus to express her love for another, or at least she feels that coitus isn't something needed to express a deep passion for someone. For me, the intertwining of two loves and their physical embodiment is an essential point in a relationship and helps establish one's dedication, devotion and love for another.
So, the fear of you missing out something amazing will always, in my eyes, be lacking in how you could not express the extent of your desire for her and that's a real shame. I respect her decision and I would never tell her truthfully that her visions clash with my own and thus that is why I need to leave her (one's views are never at fault), but I would not remain with her.
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On February 25 2011 02:46 Eeryck wrote:
Going back to when I was 16 I dated a devout Mormon, this meant there was no chance of anything sexual, kissing and heavy petting was ok but that was it.
Hold on a minute...
People actually, unironically, use this term?
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On February 25 2011 03:03 Torte de Lini wrote:
Personally, that is a red flag. I'm very harsh with views, odd because I'm an aspiring sociology and psychologist.
But the reality of it all is that I don't accept a lot of views, not because they're wrong or I disagree with them, but because there are some views that clash with the rigid rationale and logic I have. When I'm with someone who has a purity ring, I don't see an interest or future because I find myself conflicted with how I express a love or affection and how she does. Clearly, she doesn't need coitus to express her love for another, or at least she feels that coitus isn't something needed to express a deep passion for someone. For me, the intertwining of two loves and their physical embodiment is an essential point in a relationship and helps establish one's dedication, devotion and love for another.
So, the fear of you missing out something amazing will always, in my eyes, be lacking in how you could not express the extent of your desire for her and that's a real shame. I respect her decision and I would never tell her truthfully that her visions clash with my own and thus that is why I need to leave her (one's views are never at fault), but I would not remain with her.
Pretty well put from clearly a psychology major  I see where you are coming from. I think intimacy is needed. Hands down. And yes I think sex is a way of showing how much you love someone.. but its not like shes a virgin for life or something. She is waiting until she is sure she is with the person that matters most.
In your comment it seems as though you are talking like she doesnt think the same view.. but in simple terms she actually has the exact same view, but because of her doubts and beliefs.. she is just waiting before she shows them. Almost like waiting to make sure she doesnt fall into the hands of someone that will not be true to her for the rest of her life.
EDIT**
@Boniface it threw me off a little too, but I am guessing its the age difference maybe tied in with cultural differences as well lol. I get what he was trying to say though.
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On February 25 2011 03:13 Noxie wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 03:03 Torte de Lini wrote:
Personally, that is a red flag. I'm very harsh with views, odd because I'm an aspiring sociology and psychologist.
But the reality of it all is that I don't accept a lot of views, not because they're wrong or I disagree with them, but because there are some views that clash with the rigid rationale and logic I have. When I'm with someone who has a purity ring, I don't see an interest or future because I find myself conflicted with how I express a love or affection and how she does. Clearly, she doesn't need coitus to express her love for another, or at least she feels that coitus isn't something needed to express a deep passion for someone. For me, the intertwining of two loves and their physical embodiment is an essential point in a relationship and helps establish one's dedication, devotion and love for another.
So, the fear of you missing out something amazing will always, in my eyes, be lacking in how you could not express the extent of your desire for her and that's a real shame. I respect her decision and I would never tell her truthfully that her visions clash with my own and thus that is why I need to leave her (one's views are never at fault), but I would not remain with her. Pretty well put from clearly a psychology major I see where you are coming from. I think intimacy is needed. Hands down. And yes I think sex is a way of showing how much you love someone.. but its not like shes a virgin for life or something. She is waiting until she is sure she is with the person that matters most. In your comment it seems as though you are talking like she doesnt think the same view.. but in simple terms she actually has the exact same view, but because of her doubts and beliefs.. she is just waiting before she shows them. Almost like waiting to make sure she doesnt fall into the hands of someone that will not be true to her for the rest of her life. EDIT** @Boniface it threw me off a little too, but I am guessing its the age difference maybe tied in with cultural differences as well lol. I get what he was trying to say though.
Sex, to me, is a double-effect. It ensures that what you have is real and it shows that who you are with matters the most to you.
Waiting until you find someone that matters the most completely voids the point of sex. You have sex to be assured that he thinks you matter the most and vice-versa. If you want to be assured that this person is the one and need to get married in order to have sex, then I think there will always be a giant gape of insecurity and vulnerability because neither of you ever went to that intimate level of revealing yourselves sexually and intimately (without clothes, etc. etc.).
I'm not saying she has to put out and have sex within the conventional societal views of after 3 dates or whatever the fuck it is. I'm all for girls holding back to get that self-security that the person they're with truly adores them, but waiting until marriage seems more of an obligation than a reassurance tactic.
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You know what, man? Most guys would probably move on to the next chick and just stay friends with this one because of the whole purity ring deal(myself included). I gotta tell you though, that you made a really good point that shows off your true character:
I know I am not locked in for life or something, and if it doesnt work out.. well it doesnt work out. But I dont want to miss out on this exciting new chapter in my life because I was scared away by someones views.
I admire your outlook on the relationship, and it seems like a personal value that may take you places in life you never thought you'd go. I wish the best for the two of you, and if you ever find yourself single again, there will still be millions of women waiting to meet you. . . So give the current relationship your all. 
My experience. Similar to yours
+ Show Spoiler +I was in a situation JUST like this my freshman year in college. I had parted ways with a long term relationship(she was cheating), only to meet a new girl a short time later. Come to find out this new girl was a christian and saving it till marriage. I think I was angry at my ex, and looking to bed as many chicks as I could to 'get back at her' hahaha. Well, that never made anything better. When I found out this new girl was celibate, and planned to stay that way, I ran from the budding relationship we had -leaving it as a good friendship rather than dating any further than we did. That was four years ago. Despite our very different views on organized religion, we're still great friends to this day, and she's an amazing girl. I often wonder if I made a huge mistake, but I also then come to the conclusion that I would have missed out on the other relationships I've had since that time. I wouldn't ever want to go back and erase those. I don't think I'd ever try for anything with her again. The friendship I have with her now is a rare one, and there are other romantic opportunities on the horizon so it'll stay where it's at.
Needless to say, I'm still in that place where abstinence is a deal-breaker for me. If we can't get in bed together, emotions will only take me so far in a relationship. As of right now, the sexual aspect of meeting women is still a priority among other things. That's the breaks, I guess.
After reading your OP and some of your follow up thoughts though, I'm re-evaluating my stance. Thanks Noxie.
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On February 25 2011 03:37 ZombiesOMG wrote:You know what, man? Most guys would probably move on to the next chick and just stay friends with this one because of the whole purity ring deal(myself included). I gotta tell you though, that you made a really good point that shows off your true character: Show nested quote +I know I am not locked in for life or something, and if it doesnt work out.. well it doesnt work out. But I dont want to miss out on this exciting new chapter in my life because I was scared away by someones views. I admire your outlook on the relationship, and it seems like a personal value that may take you places in life you never thought you'd go. I wish the best for the two of you, and if you ever find yourself single again, there will still be millions of women waiting to meet you. . . So give the current relationship your all. My experience. Similar to yours + Show Spoiler +I was in a situation JUST like this my freshman year in college. I had parted ways with a long term relationship(she was cheating), only to meet a new girl a short time later. Come to find out this new girl was a christian and saving it till marriage. I think I was angry at my ex, and looking to bed as many chicks as I could to 'get back at her' hahaha. Well, that never made anything better. When I found out this new girl was celibate, and planned to stay that way, I ran from the budding relationship we had -leaving it as a good friendship rather than dating any further than we did. That was four years ago. Despite our very different views on organized religion, we're still great friends to this day, and she's an amazing girl. I often wonder if I made a huge mistake, but I also then come to the conclusion that I would have missed out on the other relationships I've had since that time. I wouldn't ever want to go back and erase those. I don't think I'd ever try for anything with her again. The friendship I have with her now is a rare one, and there are other romantic opportunities on the horizon so it'll stay where it's at. Needless to say, I'm still in that place where abstinence is a deal-breaker for me. If we can't get in bed together, emotions will only take me so far in a relationship. As of right now, the sexual aspect of meeting women is still a priority among other things. That's the breaks, I guess. After reading your OP and some of your follow up thoughts though, I'm re-evaluating my stance. Thanks Noxie.
Thanks for the kind words Zombies, I understand I myself am probably in a minority of being a little more accepting to this whole thing just as much as she is believing in it. East Carolina University is a party school, don't get me wrong. I party pretty hard, girls have been all over me before, I can't say that is something that makes me happy when I am trying to look for a relationship. Maybe because I have been apart of that whole party scene and slutty girls I know I am not missing out. But obviously any jump to the extreme other side is completely new to me and pretty scary at first.
I am glad you are re-evaluating your stance, but in NO way am I saying you should wait yourself or something, just maybe be more open to the next girl you run into that believes in waiting until marriage. One of the best things I have ever done was introduce myself to this girl. I am hoping it continues to be a ride of a lifetime.
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On February 25 2011 03:48 Noxie wrote:
But obviously any jump to the extreme other side is completely new to me and pretty scary at first.
I am glad you are re-evaluating your stance, but in NO way am I saying you should wait yourself or something, just maybe be more open to the next girl you run into that believes in waiting until marriage. One of the best things I have ever done was introduce myself to this girl. I am hoping it continues to be a ride of a lifetime.
Oh yeah, it'd be scary for me too, which is why I took off from that girl freshman year.
Hehe, I am re-evaluating my stance in the sense that if I happen to meet a girl with that celibacy belief, and we get along gorgeously, I'm going to try not to shy away from her. Yeah, like you said, I'm just planning to be a lot more open with the next girl like this that I meet.
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On February 25 2011 03:53 ZombiesOMG wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 03:48 Noxie wrote:
But obviously any jump to the extreme other side is completely new to me and pretty scary at first.
I am glad you are re-evaluating your stance, but in NO way am I saying you should wait yourself or something, just maybe be more open to the next girl you run into that believes in waiting until marriage. One of the best things I have ever done was introduce myself to this girl. I am hoping it continues to be a ride of a lifetime. Oh yeah, it'd be scary for me too, which is why I took off from that girl freshman year. Hehe, I am re-evaluating my stance in the sense that if I happen to meet a girl with that celibacy belief, and we get along gorgeously, I'm going to try not to shy away from her. Yeah, like you said, I'm just planning to be a lot more open with the next girl like this that I meet.
Thats great to hear man, I talked to her a lot again today.. still didnt bring anything up, but def absorbed everything in and I am in no way having doubts.. its something for sure I wanna go through with no matter what the response (=
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Yeah sounds good go through with it like you said if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. good luck I have never personally met anyone who wears a purity ring so I can't offer you advice little noxic gas.
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Fuck you Noxie <3
If she's worth it, why worry? Once you get closer she will open up and you can touch on the subject then. Relationships are whatever ;p
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<3 Titan.. how about stop losing in CW's LOL
Yeah I mean its something that we'll talk about as we get closer.. I am sure of it.
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Alls I know is what I've seen in my girlfriend's high school friends (grew up in SC). A number of them were the "no sex till marriage" types so they ended up getting married quite early (to have sex). These kids were around 18-20 when they got together and married at 21 or so. Half of them had kids within 1-2 years and almost all of them are divorced now. From what I can tell they're not getting anywhere in life as far as careers go. I guess it helps that living costs in SC are so low that you can survive off of welfare and child support.
Incidentally, one of these girls is a pretty intelligent artist type who is now raping her ex-husband over through child support while she plays farmville everyday.
Basically, don't marry early for sex, or marry early at all for that matter. The probability that you will actually understand if you're good for each other increases exponentially with time and I would say 4 years is the minimum. If the girl isn't willing to put out till marriage then you've got to be prepared to be blue-balled for a LONG time, and then you've got to hope that she's good in bed when you finally seal the deal. Honestly, I wouldn't do it but good marriages/relationships have happened without sex before marriage so if you think you're up for it go for it. The funny thing is that usually when you actually do the deed the girls gonna be like "I waited that long for THAT? wtf was I thinking".
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(EDIT: I just wanna tell all I'm 23 years old, because it is somewhat interesting when talking about these things. Also we've been officially together since last summer and we are gonna get married in 2014 when her studies are complete - Long wait, but worth it )
Hmm... me and my gf have this "#1 rule: no sex before marriage". We inherited it from our parents + religion and it feels amazing to be able to learn every physical thing with just one person. I had not even kissed any girl before, but now I've got thousands of kisses etc... and it feels absolutely best because I don't have anyone to compare against.
All this being said, we are VERY AWARE of our sexual needs. It's not a topic which should be hidden and buried. There are certain feelings "down there" when true love is in the air. We can talk about sex, but we absolutely respect the #1 rule. We can easily cuddle and daydream together and it doesn't get weird at all because from the very start we had this easy-to-follow rule.
To me, being unexperienced and then learning together is one of the best gifts when talking about getting attached and growing into "one body" and "one mind". Sexuality in nowadays world is kinda impossible to avoid if you keep your eyes open. I wish I didn't need to see so much sex all around, but because it is how it is, we want to make sure we are also sexual enough for each other.
Sex is not necessary at all in order to find out if you fit together physically. I think you need some REALLY PRIVATE moments with her though. Like spending REALLY GOOD time, but not with sex being the thing.
It's like this:
Admitting the love -> Holding Hands -> Putting Arm Around -> Hugging Bodies Against Each Other -> Kissing -> Laying Down -> Kissing 100 times -> Touching Non-Sexual Body Parts / Teasing And Feeling -> Other Random Stuff Like Giving Back Massage -> Marriage -> Sex -> Physical relationship level maxed out.
Enjoy your life !
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Think I should probably reiterate I am not looking to get married anytime soon haha. Thanks for the post Ation, some of the stuff I disagree with but I am glad to hear your point of view.
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EPT
