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On February 25 2011 01:31 Amestir wrote:
From your post and replies I see that you lack one thing: information. You're assuming / wondering a lot of things. If you really have such awesome conversations with her just bring it up. Just ask her how she thinks about it.
A thing to note is that she said she wears it because her grandma asked it, find out if she wears it for her grandma or because she 'believes' in the ideals behind the ring.
I do however agree with you, if she truely doesn't want to have sex before marriage you should definitly respect that.
Yeah this is pretty spot on.. but keep in mind, its not the easiest thing to just "bring up" it is a pretty unique subject... and I don't want to come off as questioning her beliefs..
I dont know how to talk about it where I am finding out information because I am interested then coming off as its some huge problem for me. Basically in general I don't want to seem like it is some huge deal.. because honestly its not, I want to make the relationship happen regardless.
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I've read some post saying that you should respect her...
from your op, that is not in discussion, you should and you will (and that to me is clearly stated in the op) respect her, i feel that your fear is if you can "stand" a long relanshionship without sex (and thats totally on you).
Dont fear what could happen in one year, if the relatonship is ok now, its ok now...
You payed all the attention on my "kids" phrase, thats not all i wanted to say, whitout kids it migh be some ther beliefs that are shown by the ring that might be a trouble for you (or might not).
And as has been suggested by others here, there are two main reasons why she could use the ring.
I'd say, dont be afraid to talk with her. If you cant talk your relatonship is not going anywhere. BUt try not to push her. Talking about the "sex" subject (and some other) might be wierd for her, so just handle with care.
Best luck  , and again that tittle 
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I would wait a while before asking her about it, if you bring it up to soon she might think you're more interested in having sex with her, than actually being with her.
Just keep doing what you're doing and having a good non-intimate time with her, after a while if she really falls in love with you, she wont be able to abstain anymore. Or if 6 months down the road you're still having a wonderful relationship, and you've showed that you respect her and are willing to wait for her, you can bring it up and talk about it and if she really loves you back, she'll accommodate you somehow.
Anyways, I see the purity ring in a few different ways:
1) Maybe the purity ring was her idea, and she feels really strongly about it but she's using the grandma excuse to keep her true feelings hidden. After all, wearing a purity ring these days is kind of... lame?
2)Maybe her grandma wanted her to wear it, so she is wearing it solely for her grandma but she doesnt actually care about the meaning behind it... shes just wearing it to save grace around her grammy, or to respect her in case she died recently or w/e
Either way, just show her that you care about it and wait for a little while.... but what if you wait to long and she gets used to and LIKES the idea of not having sex? oh nooo...
tough call :/
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On February 25 2011 01:42 Inzek wrote:I've read some post saying that you should respect her... from your op, that is not in discussion, you should and you will (and that to me is clearly stated in the op) respect her, i feel that your fear is if you can "stand" a long relanshionship without sex (and thats totally on you). Dont fear what could happen in one year, if the relatonship is ok now, its ok now... You payed all the attention on my "kids" phrase, thats not all i wanted to say, whitout kids it migh be some ther beliefs that are shown by the ring that might be a trouble for you (or might not). And as has been suggested by others here, there are two main reasons why she could use the ring. I'd say, dont be afraid to talk with her. If you cant talk your relatonship is not going anywhere. BUt try not to push her. Talking about the "sex" subject (and some other) might be wierd for her, so just handle with care. Best luck , and again that tittle
Yeah I understand Inzek,
I am not sure its too far out of her comfort zone.. but maybe its kind of far out of mine yet, because I feel like I may screw it up and ask in the wrong way or something. I will sure to handle the situation very delicately and it definitely seems like I need to bring it up more.. and her reasons behind it and what not.
I am glad you liked my title (=
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On February 25 2011 01:52 mesohawny wrote:
I would wait a while before asking her about it, if you bring it up to soon she might think you're more interested in having sex with her, than actually being with her.
Just keep doing what you're doing and having a good non-intimate time with her, after a while if she really falls in love with you, she wont be able to abstain anymore. Or if 6 months down the road you're still having a wonderful relationship, and you've showed that you respect her and are willing to wait for her, you can bring it up and talk about it and if she really loves you back, she'll accommodate you somehow.
Anyways, I see the purity ring in a few different ways:
1) Maybe the purity ring was her idea, and she feels really strongly about it but she's using the grandma excuse to keep her true feelings hidden. After all, wearing a purity ring these days is kind of... lame?
2)Maybe her grandma wanted her to wear it, so she is wearing it solely for her grandma but she doesnt actually care about the meaning behind it... shes just wearing it to save grace around her grammy, or to respect her in case she died recently or w/e
Either way, just show her that you care about it and wait for a little while.... but what if you wait to long and she gets used to and LIKES the idea of not having sex? oh nooo...
tough call :/
I know she respects the meaning behind the ring and is not just wearing it to wear it... but I think this is better then the later.
If it is this girls opinion then I have only the most respect for her.. I dont think she would "like" the idea of not having sex.. its just something shes making sure it is with the person she loves and is going to marry. I do agree on waiting maybe till we get to know each other more, there is still so much to find out about her (=..
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On February 25 2011 01:37 Noxie wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 01:31 Amestir wrote:
From your post and replies I see that you lack one thing: information. You're assuming / wondering a lot of things. If you really have such awesome conversations with her just bring it up. Just ask her how she thinks about it.
A thing to note is that she said she wears it because her grandma asked it, find out if she wears it for her grandma or because she 'believes' in the ideals behind the ring.
I do however agree with you, if she truely doesn't want to have sex before marriage you should definitly respect that. Yeah this is pretty spot on.. but keep in mind, its not the easiest thing to just "bring up" it is a pretty unique subject... and I don't want to come off as questioning her beliefs.. I dont know how to talk about it where I am finding out information because I am interested then coming off as its some huge problem for me. Basically in general I don't want to seem like it is some huge deal.. because honestly its not, I want to make the relationship happen regardless.
The trick to talking about anything is just going in with the mindset you want. For example, if you want people to be friendly, go in acting like they are old friends.
Similarly, if you want to discuss this maturely with her (obviously you do as you've given it a lot of thought), go in acting like it's normal to bring this type of thing up. You might step on her toes, granted, but I'd say that's not nearly as bed as letting your doubts fester inside of you and grow to the point where this purity ring thing might present an ACTUAL problem.
Confidence is key. If you can't be confident in initiating this discussion then she'll pick up on it and feel uncomfortable too. It's up to you to make sure the conversation goes smoothly.
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On February 25 2011 01:59 SugarBear wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 01:37 Noxie wrote:On February 25 2011 01:31 Amestir wrote:
From your post and replies I see that you lack one thing: information. You're assuming / wondering a lot of things. If you really have such awesome conversations with her just bring it up. Just ask her how she thinks about it.
A thing to note is that she said she wears it because her grandma asked it, find out if she wears it for her grandma or because she 'believes' in the ideals behind the ring.
I do however agree with you, if she truely doesn't want to have sex before marriage you should definitly respect that. Yeah this is pretty spot on.. but keep in mind, its not the easiest thing to just "bring up" it is a pretty unique subject... and I don't want to come off as questioning her beliefs.. I dont know how to talk about it where I am finding out information because I am interested then coming off as its some huge problem for me. Basically in general I don't want to seem like it is some huge deal.. because honestly its not, I want to make the relationship happen regardless. The trick to talking about anything is just going in with the mindset you want. For example, if you want people to be friendly, go in acting like they are old friends. Similarly, if you want to discuss this maturely with her (obviously you do as you've given it a lot of thought), go in acting like it's normal to bring this type of thing up. You might step on her toes, granted, but I'd say that's not nearly as bed as letting your doubts fester inside of you and grow to the point where this purity ring thing might present an ACTUAL problem. Confidence is key. If you can't be confident in initiating this discussion then she'll pick up on it and feel uncomfortable too. It's up to you to make sure the conversation goes smoothly.
I feel like this is really true.. I am not sure when is the right time to talk about it. I was going to do it at some point before the relationship started originally because I wouldnt want to get too attached but to be honest... I dont think the response she gives me, will change how I feel.. so maybe when the time is right?
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Your balls are going to feel as if they're gonna explode after about two weeks of cuddling and petting. No thanks. Auto deal breaker for me. I wouldn't waste my time or hers.
Waiting til marriage has to produce the most awkward sex imaginable.
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United States313 Posts
Over thinking it is probably the most dangerous thing you can do in this situation. Not that you should rush unthinkingly into what sounds like a wonderful relationship, but the more you obsess over this the larger an issue you are making it on your end, and the more likely it becomes a situation. Besides, why have something on the back of your mind during this fun exciting time of your life?
I'm glad you found someone so special decided she's worth it on your own, best of luck!
Noxie Fighting!
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moktira
Ireland1548 Posts
I don't agree with some of these statements, if you do start going out it will obviously come up sooner or later, don't rush into asking her what she thinks about it or she may think you see it as a big issue, or worse think that's mostly what you're after. Take you're time, it's been developing slowly, see how you feel once you start going out and when it comes up think about it more then and make a call, for now relax and enjoy the feelings you're experiencing. At least that's what I think.
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also, asking about the ring is literally as simple as going 'what is that on your finger'
there's nothing hard about it. Ask it and get it out of the way, since it's obviously an issue
actually, you're a big dick if you don't bring it up soon. The fact that she has a ring obviously means she isn't insecure about it. Think how you'd feel if someone noticed a deal-breaking belief you had that might be an issue with them and they didn't bring it up until you were like a month into seeing each other
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On February 25 2011 02:08 TrueRedemption wrote:
Over thinking it is probably the most dangerous thing you can do in this situation. Not that you should rush unthinkingly into what sounds like a wonderful relationship, but the more you obsess over this the larger an issue you are making it on your end, and the more likely it becomes a situation. Besides, why have something on the back of your mind during this fun exciting time of your life?
I'm glad you found someone so special decided she's worth it on your own, best of luck!
Noxie Fighting!
<3 you True, always so real. Hope to talk to you in vent soon! I think in many ways I am over thinking it.. but I have convinced myself I am going through with it no matter what.. Just wanted to see what other people thought. TL never lets me down.
@Hawk that made me laugh pretty hard haha. I am actually surprised I havn't got more responses like that. I def appreciate your honesty. I've had sex.. so I know what I would be missing out on so to say, I am willing to give it a go. *Edit :: On your second post.. I am not sure it makes me a dick really.. I man I noticed she was wearing rings but I didnt know it was a purity ring until she took it off and showed it to me.. she told me it scares a lot of guys away because they don't see the same view. I am still unsure if it should be brought up early or later. People seem to have a split decision on this one
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On February 25 2011 02:05 Noxie wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 01:59 SugarBear wrote:On February 25 2011 01:37 Noxie wrote:On February 25 2011 01:31 Amestir wrote:
From your post and replies I see that you lack one thing: information. You're assuming / wondering a lot of things. If you really have such awesome conversations with her just bring it up. Just ask her how she thinks about it.
A thing to note is that she said she wears it because her grandma asked it, find out if she wears it for her grandma or because she 'believes' in the ideals behind the ring.
I do however agree with you, if she truely doesn't want to have sex before marriage you should definitly respect that. Yeah this is pretty spot on.. but keep in mind, its not the easiest thing to just "bring up" it is a pretty unique subject... and I don't want to come off as questioning her beliefs.. I dont know how to talk about it where I am finding out information because I am interested then coming off as its some huge problem for me. Basically in general I don't want to seem like it is some huge deal.. because honestly its not, I want to make the relationship happen regardless. The trick to talking about anything is just going in with the mindset you want. For example, if you want people to be friendly, go in acting like they are old friends. Similarly, if you want to discuss this maturely with her (obviously you do as you've given it a lot of thought), go in acting like it's normal to bring this type of thing up. You might step on her toes, granted, but I'd say that's not nearly as bed as letting your doubts fester inside of you and grow to the point where this purity ring thing might present an ACTUAL problem. Confidence is key. If you can't be confident in initiating this discussion then she'll pick up on it and feel uncomfortable too. It's up to you to make sure the conversation goes smoothly. I feel like this is really true.. I am not sure when is the right time to talk about it. I was going to do it at some point before the relationship started originally because I wouldnt want to get too attached but to be honest... I dont think the response she gives me, will change how I feel.. so maybe when the time is right?
I would avoid waiting just because you're worried about what her perception will be of you asking. That's the wrong reason to wait. Women want confidence in a man and being afraid of bringing up a real issue because you're worried about what will happen screams lack of confidence.
Some (a lot of) women try to control a relationship through sex, and if she reacts in a negative way to your bringing up the topic then that is probably what is going on. I highly doubt she will react negatively to discussing the purity thing with you if she is genuine about it. In fact, she probably would enjoy sharing that intimacy of thought with you if she is interested in a relationship. Why would you be afraid of bringing up a topic that can only bring you closer? If she reacts negatively or uncomfortably to the topic I would take it as a warning sign and get out before it's too late.
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On February 25 2011 02:12 Hawk wrote:
Think how you'd feel if someone noticed a deal-breaking belief you had that might be an issue with them and they didn't bring it up until you were like a month into seeing each other
QFT
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Well I definitely see where you guys are from, it is something I will talk about for sure. Sooner then Later.
I think I have to do it before we start going out.. It wouldn't be fair if I didnt. I do agree it can bring her closer... I just hope that because I bring it up I am not judged in a certain way by her. Its ok to be curious about it all... right?
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On February 25 2011 01:05 Noxie wrote:Show nested quote +On February 25 2011 01:02 HwangjaeTerran wrote:
You can only run into problems in relationship when you want to change another person.
This comes from someone who has absolutely no relationships of any kind.
If you want to be someone, there is no reason not to. People tend to overthink things. Well as I know it seems that simple.. I feel like I may not trust myself, I dont want to get extremely attached and then have some realization that I can't control my emotions ... It wouldn't be necessary her changing.. but maybe my mindset.. I mean right now everything seems so great, I respect her decision, but what about a year after we've been going out? What about 2 or 3? I don't want to change myself.. and I think that is one of the major things that worried me.. But like I said, I need to worry about that when it happens. Right now we are just talking... but I am guessing we will be together officially in the near future 
Well if it takes you a few years to realize you are not okay with it, then what can you do?
You've learned something new about yourself, say goodbye and move on.
You can't fight natural change, people change and that's it, u gotta skate.
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On February 25 2011 02:30 Noxie wrote:
Well I definitely see where you guys are from, it is something I will talk about for sure. Sooner then Later.
I think I have to do it before we start going out.. It wouldn't be fair if I didnt. I do agree it can bring her closer... I just hope that because I bring it up I am not judged in a certain way by her. Its ok to be curious about it all... right?
Absolutely, if you like someone you want to know all about them.
Just don't bring it up in a negative light, like "So, you're into that purity stuff serious or not?" or something. Frame your questions like you just want to learn more about her.
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On February 25 2011 02:13 Noxie wrote:
On your second post.. I am not sure it makes me a dick really.. I man I noticed she was wearing rings but I didnt know it was a purity ring until she took it off and showed it to me.. she told me it scares a lot of guys away because they don't see the same view. I am still unsure if it should be brought up early or later. People seem to have a split decision on this one
You have obvious qualms about it. Not bringing those up and continuing to allow her to build feelings for you despite having you serious issues about a major part of any relationship is dick.
Just point out the ring, use it to start conversation and done
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On February 25 2011 02:30 Noxie wrote:
I just hope that because I bring it up I am not judged in a certain way by her.
if she judges you for asking, your decision just becomes that much easier
whoops doubled
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Yeah I mean I understand that Hawk, but the thing is ..its almost like I missed my chance when she originally showed me and said stuff about the ring. We kinda just moved onto another topic after I said that I think its great that she believes in something like that and I had a lot of respect for it... I think its the whole bringing it back up thats gonna be a problem for me, because we already touched on the subject. And yeah.. I guess worst case scenario is she thinks im some sex addicted freak and then I guess I dont have a choice.. though I dont think that will happen.. she is a genuine nice person.
and @sugar.. I will be delicate when and how I frame the question.. not sure the best way to go about it yet.. but yeah I think I will be able to ask it without looking like a complete ass.
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EPT
