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Papua New Guinea152 Posts
OK well I've just been feeling very bad, like sick to my stomach, for the past few days. It really got so bad that last night while I was lying in bed I started crying uncontrollably, but I did feel a little better after that emotional release. And I'm hoping I feel even better after sharing my story with you.
Well, first off a little about me. I realize that there are many people in this world who are less fortunate than I am, and many people who suffer from great indignities in many parts of the world (violation of privacy, lack of human rights, no free speech, etc.) and that no matter how bad you think your life is, there is someone who would give anything to step into your shoes, even for one day. That being said, however, I'm both saddened by how things actually seem to getting worse, and how no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I am only one among 6.5 billion in the world, basically a tiny grain of sand on one of thousands of beaches in the world, a single drop among all the world's oceans, I realize that I mean a lot...to me.
I realize that, as humans, we are emotional beings. This capitalist system makes us out to be machines. I'm not a machine, I want to embrace my emotions. I want to feel my bare feet in the wet grass...I want so many things...
I'm in my junior year of college, majoring in economics, but I'm not happy. I dormed for one semester back in the freshman year, but for whatever reason I decided that I had had enough and have commuted ever since. I don't have any real friends, I've talked to a few people here and there but I didn't get to really know them, I didn't take their numbers and didn't add them on facebook or anything. I've never actually had a job, except being a cashier a few summers ago. I've never smoked, never gotten drunk, never gone to a club, never hung out with friends, never actually driven a car without my parents accompanying me...you get the picture. I can safely say that my closest friends are...you guys here on TL. I really love you guys, I love this community, I love starcraft, both 1 and 2, and I love my playstation too. But recently I haven't had the urge to play videogames, I thought about uninstalling starcraft, I just feel like I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore. I thought I was going to be fine with a relatively solitary lifestyle, but I've been having major doubts...about everything.
So, you can see, although I haven't done drugs, although my family isn't poor, although my grades are good, although I don't suffer from even a fraction of the hardships many many people in this world endure on a daily basis...I feel completely lost...lost about who I am, what I want to do with my life, how I am supposed to make friends, how I'm supposed to get married, live in my own house, everything. I don't even watch tv or movies on any kind of basis, the last movie I saw was avatar (lol). I'm entirely out of the loop, I detest popular culture  Everything is a huge challenge for me, and for the moment everything seems insurmountable and frightening and intimidating. On top of all this I have a speech impediment, I stammer a lot...like usually all the time. So you can understand that I'm not in the ideal state of mind here, I feel like I'm going a little crazy.
So now...although I love TL to death, I just wanted to say that over the past few days, it's given me some major negative emotional stress. I like to think I'm not a very emotionally strong or stable person, but after these things I have to say I'm probably really really weak...
A few days ago I saw, in the general forum, a post about how the human centipede 2 was banned in the UK, I am a very curious person I have to say. Well, I saw the trailer and...that night I had difficult sleeping, to say the least. I couldn't sleep until like 4 am. But even after that, for the last week I've been having constant disturbing thoughts, I saw a lot of posts of people saying how it was a "comedy" or a just blowing it off like it was completely stupid, but I just guess I'm the kind of person who's easily influenced. Sigh...
so anyway, after the initial shock wore off, I just felt like I needed to spend more time with family, listen to some good music, just try to relax in any way possible.
Then...the general forum struck again...
Yesterday I saw a post about the "hidden internet" and that was like the final nail in the coffin for me. I knew that stuff like this existed, but to have it right in front of me...was a huge shock. I mean, I have a brother who's 10, and I'm seeing stuff about CP and selling drugs on the internet, and assassinations, and gladiator rings, and gore and snuff, and everything else sick and shady and absolutely revolting. In particular one of the 4chan stories there, about some guy remotely monitoring a person's computer, and seeing a video being downloaded of 3 men, and 1 man whose daughter was killed...and real CP stuff in that same video. Absolutely disgusting.
This stuff had a real impact on me because it took me back to my high school days. Freshman year I used to check out some asian porn fetish sites, and senior year I always checked out the site "your dirty mind", basically a site to check out naked women. But it affected me because, I could have easily imagined myself back in high school, being in my room all alone, browsing some "hidden internet" stuff and being a hacker of some sort. It's a damn depressing thought, especially the thought of being alone (I have a hard time expressing myself to others, even my family) and also being into sick and twisted stuff. I feel like my heart just can't take it anymore.
I also read some news on cnn about a boy who was tortured and killed by his own parents, and then when the boy finally could not endure the suffering for any longer those idiots placed the bible on the poor boy's chest and buried him in the woods. Also another story of a voyeur at a starbucks who committed suicide after the police uncovered a secret camera he had placed in a bathroom there. and a story about a mexican man killing a 1 year old....
and on and on...
please, Please TL, help me out.
I need your advice guys.
I went to psychiatric care in my junior year of high school,
they wanted to put me on medication,
but my parents said no,
and after about a year of therapy the doctor only said,
I have to find the courage inside of me to improve.
There's nothing wrong with me, I just have to find God within me
Thank you for reading this whole thing anyone out there,
I really LOVE YOU TL WITH ALL MY HEART 
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I feel you. Everyday life is a bitch and I want to succeed in life. I want to be able to sustain myself in living and trying to find a job in today's market is tough. I wonder if I will never have a chance to get a career that I want. I workout at the gym to take out all the stress through weight lifting. I channel my frustrations by lifting more weights and setting high goals for myself. I hate how celebrities and the rich folk have it easy. Sure some people have worked hard and contributed much to society, but there are those people that just happened to be at the right place at the right time and is popular for stupid things makes me mad. What I mean by easy is having all the opportunities set for them. I am not saying celebrities or actors do not work hard, I am saying how their life setup seems to be easy. It seems the middle class of US is diminishing even more and I don't understand why our focus is not creating more jobs. Rich get richer, poor get poorer, hate this capitalism that is fueled by our greed.
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It's hard to say where to start. Try and back off of games for a bit, you don't have to completely stop playing them, but a break or a less playing time can definitely be important to helping you. When I was in high school, I did nothing but play BroodWar. I noticed after a while that I essentially lost my social life; all my friends, stuff I did, etc. I took a break and started getting back into my hobbies (going to hardcore shows, hanging out with friends, stuff like that) and eventually started building my social life up again.
I'm a sophomore in college now and I've noticed that pretty much every university has LOADS of clubs on campus you can join. Find something you're really interested in, for me that was the college radio station, which has been awesome for me. Try to find a club of some sort, build friends through that, try and go to parties and get drunk (maybe it's not for you, but it's definitely something to experience once). Smoke some weed, I can't honestly tell you how many awesome friends that I still have just because of the fact I smoke weed. It's seriously mind blowing how weed can make friends...
It's not too hard man, try and find a balance between COMPUTER games and your actual life.
Oh, and by the way, horror movies can be weird.... Paranormal Activity scared the shit out of me, so I wouldn't worry about it, haha.
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What do you do other than TL? If you want to move forward the first thing to do is find an activity to pursue. What do you enjoy doing or feel would be fun?
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Well... I think you should consider changing your major, you don't sound well suited for the dismal science, then again, you kind of do...
Speaking as a pothead, even weed can ruin your social life as easily as it can improve it so don't jump to drugs. Then again, it takes a while for and a lot of weed to really affect you negatively and its pretty easy to stop.
If news about current events and how horrible the world is is getting to you I would suggest taking some history classes, give yourself some perspective on how awful shit used to be. The other option is to avoid the news and twisted shit in general, also a good plan.
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fuck the world, worry about yourself, it's not your fault you were born on such a shitty planet
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Dude, I was super depressed a few years ago, and idk i just kind of stopped being depressed one day, and I did some stupid shit while I was. Just watch what you do because some stuff can really mess you up without you even realising it until later on.
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From the disproportionate impact all these things are having on you, it just seems like you need to find a life outside of tl / internet (I mean that in a non-condescending way). Go out and meet people, even if it's hard / awkward at first! Try to start a hobby or interest that's more "mainstream," and it'll be easier to talk to people, too. Once you start to branch out into the world, you'll find it easier and easier as you go along.
I'm not saying at all that you should give up the internet, and of course not tl, but it seems to me that too much of your life experiences are composed of patrolling the internet. go explore the world, yo. the most important ingredient in enjoying life is enthusiasm, even if you have to fake it til you find it. don't be depressed 
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On June 15 2011 12:58 xenogis wrote:
fuck the world, worry about yourself, it's not your fault you were born on such a shitty planet
Just read this and then watched this past weeks episode of South Park..... Ironic.
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I've felt a lot of the same stuff you've felt man. I'll straight up say that I've been struggling with depression for the past 3 years so I know what it's like. I don't have too many friends... every friend I've had has turned to drugs or alcohol or sex and I've seen all of their lives spiraling downwards. I'm the type of person who finds my purpose in being with others who I know I can trust and who I know care for me. I feel like if other's don't care for me then there is no reason to even be alive, but unfortunately I've lost almost all of my friends. I don't let it affect my self esteem towards myself, as I know it isn't my fault. It's the fault of the world for being such a terrible terrible place. But it still hurts, even though I know it's not my fault.
The only thing that comforts me is my faith that things will be better in the next life. Perhaps this doesn't apply to you, as I know that a good majority of people on the internet are atheists, but it is one of the only things in my life that I can hold dearly. Also, this drives me to try and be a positive influence on my peers, even though I know most of them don't like me. I have faith that I'll make a positive impact on at least one person's life, and I guess that is enough reason to keep on trucking.
I'm sure you're a cool dude. From how you described yourself, it sounds like you are. Don't have a negative image of yourself. Things like speech impediments having a hard time with people aren't your fault. I know it's an overused saying, but "be the change that you want to see in the world." It probably won't change the world, but maybe it will change one life, and at least you can look yourself in the eye and know you're not [as] full of shit like the rest of the world.
Well my post was kinda lacking direction and all over the place, but I was just saying whatever came to my mind. And, oh yeah, once again, I don't know if you're a man of faith, but whether you are or aren't you might find some comfort in my signature. It's my favorite verse.
Stay strong man.
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Try having a break from the internet and gaming for one week. It will be really hard to do, but try it. You're probably a bit addicted to gaming and other internet stuff. I know I am. It's great and fun but you/I need more balance in our lives. I keep procrastinating at work (actually doing it now  ) because I'm spending too much time on TL and games and I've been really slack in keeping in contact with friends and family. The procrastination causes me a lot of stress and I always fell guilty about neglecting friends and family too.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with gaming and that but if you don't have balance it will cause misery because part of you will not be fulfilled. It's different if you're a progamer/caster/esports person because then your hobby is your work and you can justify spending huge amounts of time on it but for others of us it's never going to be a career and while we can enjoy our hobby we shouldn't spend all our time on it either or we'll miss out on a lot of other stuff.
Also, with what you're saying about the internet and all the nasty stuff on it. It kind of takes away all our purity, all the porn etc. It makes our minds more complicated and it's so damn easy. Nowadays it's pretty ridiculous how you can watch pretty much any porn you want for free with a click or two. It's not even a challenge anymore.
I know I felt the same kind of disturbing feeling when I read about that Human Centipede movie. I'm no prude, but it's like these days we're plumbing the absolute depths of the human soul and putting it out there for everyone to see.
I think it's easier to be happy when we can focus on good things and keep a simple mind (not simple as in stupid, but simple as in positive and 'in the moment'). Therefore we need to keep our minds reasonably fresh and not fill it up with too much nasty internet images.
So anyway, I recommend the one week break. Give it a try, experiment, see how hard it is. Spend as much time as possible outdoors even if it's just reading a book outside. Go for long walks. How hard it is to stop for one week will determine how addicted you are and give your mind a break.
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Hi, my name is Hugo and i'm from brazil.
Just read u're whole post man, and i feel the need to say a few things.
In my country, like u said, there r thousands and thousands of people starving to death, but this doesn't make their life more important than yours! I mean, depression and lack of self-esteem are a hazard just like the lack of basics rights, you life quality is HUGELY affected by these problems, so, for a start, just don't say any other people in the world is more important than you, literaly, say FUCK IT to the rest of mankind and start taking care of you, then you can start to think about others.
I get really sorry about how you feel, but think about it, why are you here on this planet? No obvious reasons come to mind right? Then, why torture yourself with deep toughts like that?
You'll never figure out what u're supposed to be doing here, or even how to soft up the suffering from the people in the world, so just have fun with the ride o.0, i mean, it's great to worry about others, i sincerely think that the world needs more people like you, but right now you're in a spot where you must find the joy to live again, don't let the bad things in the world affect you, the problem is that the midia just shows what's sad, cuz every human beeing deep inside likes to see a train wreck, but tons of social work and charity r getting done, millions of couples are married for their whole lives, and billions of people are still nice and kind to each other..
It all relys on: Y-O-U.
What is the worst that could happen if u smoked a joint? Or got amazingly drunk? I mean, you would get scolded by ur parents or anything like that? u're already older than 20 years old, you OWN your fucking life now, so start acting like the freaking boss i know you are. I say that because it needs a really clear and clever mind to write like you do, i mean, you have the intelligence already, what else do you need?
Inteligence and informations take you wherever u want to go, so do think so little of yourself, you're a very inteligent nerd, who, i think, can speak and argument very well, so what is the reason for the "no getting girls and no friends"?
I know that i'm seeming really superficial, but i was kinda like you, and, as amazing and unbeliavable as it looks, ur psychiatrist was right, it all depends on the courage you have!
Come out of your shell man, there are other really cool nerds and girls who looooooooooooooove nerds all around the world, but is just as difficult to them to step up and be social as it is to you, so, are you going to spend your whole life waiting for the right people come to you or are u going to be a lil bit more active?
Go out, TALK to people, cuz there is no way to MAKE FRIENDS, it's not like a pylon, all u gotta do is talk to people, and, if they think you are a nice guy (wich i already think you are, because of you're social worriers) they'll become your friends, just as that.
About the speaking problem, that are doctors wich i dont know how are called in english that can help you with that, u can severely improve in matter of months, or maybe even stop the stammering, and, even if still stammer a little, the person who thinks less of you cuz of that is a total noob, like, idiot, for real.
We all have problems, but they seem bigger or lesser according to the way we deal with them...
Hope you get better, it's sad to see a guy like you in a pain u dont deseve.
i'll leave my Messenger in case u wanna talk more =]
edit@ thx, erased it
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Maybe it isn't such a good idea to post your email address on TL. A PM would be better.
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Go live, go party, go drink, go meet people, go play games, fuck this monotone life, it seems to gray everything. Take this from an atheist that's had plenty of depression and "is it really worth living" ideas. Friends and socializing are the best medicine I've found. Problem is you need people around you, you need to talk, have fun in a social circle and no, parents aren't a social circle.
I'm normally a loner, I prefer spending time alone playing games or reading but would go nuts without having a job and nice coworkers and some friends I can talk to. I don't ever drink alcohol while alone, ever, I just can't stomach being tipsy at home, I do however love going out for a few beers (or more than a few).
Life is to be lived.
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Get out of the house and do something. Anything really. Join a club, play a sport, meet a friend for coffee if you have anyone you would want to invite to something like that. Just try to do something, anything - its better than doing nothing 100% of the time. Eat well, cooking is a great hobby, even if you're just making simple meals. Exercise if you can, you'll feel better afterwards, and getting on a good strength program (PM me for details if you wish) can boost your self confidence and self esteem a huge amount. Get anti-depressants if you can, they help a LOT. Not recommended for everyone, but I personally found MDMA to be extremely useful in figuring out what I want in life and finding the motivation / removing the barrier of fear to achieve my goals, but you seem to be fairly anti-drug from what you wrote so that might be off limits.
I'm heavily introverted, atheist and have a strong dispostion to depression (runs in the family, suffered it on and off during my teenage years - gaming helped!) but I've been able to find meaning and fulfillment in life. The most important thing you can do is to experience life, explore the world and understand that its just a simple, common fear holding you back. Almost everyone experiences it, to some degree. Avoid TV (downloading specific shows is fine), avoid news and avoid anything commercial, these all only serve to further the position that you're currently in. Read and listen to media that will empower you, rather than encourage you to become yet another mindless machine.
I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you. You know what to do, now its time to get out there and do it
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It honestly sounds like you need a confidence boost, Ill give you a tip, when i first started highschool, i moved and never had the chance to see my friends i was deppressed as shit, all of grade 10 i was loner the only thing that would keep me sane was playing runescape every change i got with my clan, they were litterally my only social life, grade 11 rolled around and my clan disbanded and i had no urge to play runescape... the depression got even worse now. I realized i needed a new hobby... i started going to the gym at first it was around 2-3 times a week then it started to 5+, i met a lot of people from school at my gym and started talking to them, and then at school we started hanging out. I went from a total video game loner to hanging out with the jocks (seriously). And not only that, something about going to the gym and having a better body then other people gives you some aura where you feel like talking to people and the shyness isn't there.
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"Kid start being fucking awesome immediately. Shut up. Shut the fuck up right now. Put your hand out. STICK YOUR GOD DAMN HAND OUT RIGHT NOW. NOW CLENCH. DO YOU FEEL THAT!!! THAT'S LIFE. THAT'S LIFE'S BALLS. NOW YOU'VE GOT LIFE BY THE BALLS BITCH WHAT YOU GONNA DO? YOU A HERO OR A BUSTA?!?! WALK UP TO THAT GIRL AN SAY 'SHORTY YOU BE SOOOO FINE I"D ROLL DAT ASS LIKE A STACK'A NICKELS! DAAAAAMMMMMM" Then flick your fingers."
-Kennigit
+ Show Spoiler +kind of out of context, but still relevant i guess.
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when school starts up again, join a student club on campus. it could be anything. meet some people, make friends, do stuff with them. You need to step out of your comfort zone.
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EPT
