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Disclaimer: This blog post will probably make you feel uncomfortable at times as brutal honesty is my goal sitting down writing this blog. I hope this doesn't sound to winy as I am sure it will but I'm really just trying to get everything out so I can reflect on it as Its really hard to say all this stuff to someone else's face. While I am overweight I don't have a lot of the other health problems as I eat relatively healthy food its more about the quantity that my body can handle (I explain this more in the body of the post).
To introduce myself and give a little background my name is Andreas I am 17, a senor in high-school, and I am a German American (I was born in America but both parents are German) I am approximately 330 pounds and have been battling my weight my whole life. I come from a wealthy Jewish Family and everyone in my family eats whatever they want whenever they want and stays skinny as fuck.
I want to start this by saying that my day to day life is quite enjoyable, I have great friends and for the most part enjoy life, but once section of my life is pretty horrible, and that is my whole being overweight. I personally don't mind most of the physical restrictions of being fat as I find most forms of exercise pretty boring and I can walk fairly far pretty easily so its not to restricting. The part I hate the most is the fact that my body is pretty gross and I know one day it will most likely kill me.
I however am not like your average fat person, I was diagnosed with insulin hyper-secretion about two years ago, for most people who don't know what that is, my body produces four times the insulin four times as quickly as the average person effectively turning most of what I eat directly into fat. This disease is more common then is known (still a small percent of obesity (around 5%). I have tried many things but I have a super hard time balancing hunger and weight loss, the amount I have to eat to lose weight is around 1200 calories and for a 6 foot tall 17 year old I find that really hard.
As I said before my average life is good but one to two times a week some event will remind me of my state and I will spiral downward into depression (I never think of killing myself or anything but I just get really unhappy). I am currently in such a state.
Last summer I had a Laparoscopic banding surgery were they put a band around your stomach and then fill it with liquid. The post opp was extremely painful and I couldn't even sit up for two days. At the hospital I had to be given a catheter while conscious once as my bladder got completely full (one of the most painful and embarrassing events of my life) as I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom or even sit in a position were I could pee in a bottle. I had to be on extreme pain killers and didn't sleep for 48 hours. After getting out of the hospital I couldn't eat any solid food for three weeks and continued to be in pain.
Approximately one week before my senor year started and just around three weeks after the surgery I got extremely sick sleeping a good three quarters of the day. It was decided that I should return to the hospital (at this point not my favorite place) for testing and so they could keep an eye on me.
It turned out that I had an infection from the surgery in my stomach and had to go through antibiotics for a few days. While this was in some ways good as I was almost guaranteed a full recovery, it was also quite bad. The hospital is fucking hell, I wasn't aloud to eat or drink (I had Iv fluids but that doesn't replace the burning in your throat or the pain in your stomach) as the tests I had to take were swallowing barium (which tastes fucking horrible) so they could follow it through my digestive tract. I finally got out and was able to start school just a few days late, and everything seemed to be returning to normal.
At the time this seemed to be a blessing but in some ways It was a curse. The surgery I was going through was supposed to make eating the 1200 calories I require to lose weight bearable but I later found out that they had to inject me with a filling for and they had to do it over 12 months or so to make sure my body has time to adapt. I returned to slowly gaining weight back that I had lost (over four weeks of being sick and eating no solids I managed to lose around 30 pounds). The one beauty I got from the surgery was that my Esophagus is thiner, what this does for me currently is that when I eat a big bite of food sometimes It will get stuck which usually results in me having to go and throw up.
All this shit has really been building up recently. Staying strong and eating well. My mental state has also not been so awesome. I constantly feel like I need to choose hunger or slowly killing myself in the food that I eat. My best friend has a disease that will likely lower his life span to around 60 but I often feel as If I would trade places with him because hes not the one slowly killing himself but his disease is, and while I know that I have the restricting factor of my Insulin hyper-secretion I have the choice to just go hungry and lose weight. The regularly throwing up and thinking about this has really been bringing me down along with constant doctors appointments and knowing that the whole surgery experience I went through could take a year of injections through my stomach (I had the first one and it hurt like a bitch numbing cream is a lie) to take effect. I constantly think about how I won't have a girlfriend while I am in this state and sex is out of the option (I had a Japanese girlfriend in china when I lived there for a year and we did have sex but she truly understood me better then any other girl I have ever met). While I know this is superficial and just my teenage mind it still fucking sucks.
I just want to say that I know this is a big whine blog but Its really helped me even just writing this. I chose to write it here because I have seen some amazing support on TL in the past of others in poor situations. I really love the community and having just gotten back from Blizzcon I felt like I was a lot closer to you guys. I hope that people out their can understand this and maybe leave me any tips you have on how to deal with hunger. (also for those recommending workout I do a good hard hour and a half bike ride five times a week so I do a fair amount).
Thanks a lot for being here TL <3
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your name is so fitting 
i can't help you with your weight though, i'm one of those skinny as fuck asian kids that couldn't gain weight if i tried. but i still eat healthy and exercise because its a good habit for when i'm 40 and fattening.
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your also a really fast reader :3
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I had this problem when I was 15/16, and I know exactly what you are going through! I was 6'5" and 220 pounds or something, and I was constantly being teased for being fat by friends and girls.. getting over the feeling of hunger is totally a mental thing. You have to hate yourself completely to want to change yourself, and it's not easy. It takes a lot of mental willpower, to this day I'm still very respectful of bulimic/anorexic girls..
I remember one night distinctively in my fight against being overweight, I got up to get a drink of water and I literally just started at my body for 30 minutes, crying. Since that night I have been working out every day, 30 minutes of cardio and 10 pushups/sit ups per Starcraft game, while minimizing my food intake. Eventually you'll get to the point where eating makes you feel sick, it's a great feeling. You won't be hungry anymore! for the record now i'm 6'5", 180 pounds, and still think i'm fat but it's a constant work in progress!
Get a girl who you think is very pretty (a cheerleader maybe? would work well for me) and have her tell you why she is not attracted to you. It'll set you straight, and give you the mindset of a girl in terms of being judgmental. To be honest, understanding and implementing their mindset will be the most helpful thing ever for you battling obesity.
Don't worry, it's only uphill from here!
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Just so you know, there's a jillian michaels ad right above this post. And I think you should definitely start watching the Biggest Loser. Its actually a pretty good show, and will give you good tips. you should sign up for the show too, you never know man, the chances are pretty slim, but who knows, maybe you get lucky, and you get to change your life. I remember being really fat when i was in 2-6 grades. But somehow, I lost it all, I didn't really try either. And it wasn't baby fat, I was skinny all the way up to 2nd grade, but after that, i just blew up.
Oh, and remember, you can change your weight, but your friend might not ever be able to change his disease
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On October 25 2010 15:15 Endymion wrote:
I had this problem when I was 15/16, and I know exactly what you are going through! I was 6'5" and 220 pounds or something, and I was constantly being teased for being fat by friends and girls.. getting over the feeling of hunger is totally a mental thing. You have to hate yourself completely to want to change yourself, and it's not easy. It takes a lot of mental willpower, to this day I'm still very respectful of bulimic/anorexic girls..
I remember one night distinctively in my fight against being overweight, I got up to get a drink of water and I literally just started at my body for 30 minutes, crying. Since that night I have been working out every day, 30 minutes of cardio and 10 pushups/sit ups per Starcraft game, while minimizing my food intake. Eventually you'll get to the point where eating makes you feel sick, it's a great feeling. You won't be hungry anymore! for the record now i'm 6'5", 180 pounds, and still think i'm fat but it's a constant work in progress!
Get a girl who you think is very pretty (a cheerleader maybe? would work well for me) and have her tell you why she is not attracted to you. It'll set you straight, and give you the mindset of a girl in terms of being judgmental. To be honest, understanding and implementing their mindset will be the most helpful thing ever for you battling obesity.
Don't worry, it's only uphill from here!
thanks a lot I really appreciate the feedback, I will continue to keep trying
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You could just exercise a lot / regularly , balance that with dietary changes/not eating as much? If you exercise a lot, the fat will trim down and turn into muscle, right?
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@Xeris I guess so I mean I know this sounds like an excuse but I go to school an hour away and it ends at five so I get home do homework do my hour and a half work out and just chill for an hour not much extra time. I guess I could consider more time exercising on the weekends through.
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I love how honest you are in all of this, and I understand how difficult your situation is. Compulsive eating is certainly an addiction and it sure doesn't help that you have the hyper-insulin thing. That being said there is certainly a way out, lots of diet and working out is a great idea but alot of people need more than that. A solid support system can do wonders for you. I know a few people who attend overeaters anonymous (OA for short) and have had outstanding results (life changing to say the least). Hopefully this helps, and best of luck!
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On October 25 2010 15:25 snorlax wrote:
@Xeris I guess so I mean I know this sounds like an excuse but I go to school an hour away and it ends at five so I get home do homework do my hour and a half work out and just chill for an hour not much extra time. I guess I could consider more time exercising on the weekends through.
Maybe you could go to sleep earlier -> get up earlier exercise before school shower etcetc and be ready for the day? Maybe you would be too tired during the day for a while but eventually surely you would feel better? dunno, im not experienced in this field just a suggestion! GL with it!
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If i were you i would speed walk like three hours a day and eat the 1200 calories, no matter how hungry. I really hope you manage to overcome your problem! I really think you could do it with a hardcore regimen.
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The bottomline here is that most of these people are acting like you are just a typical overweight teenager, but you have a constraint and that is your condition.
That being said its going to be even more of an uphill battle than what weight loss usually is. It IS manageable though, and I would first recommend that you start exercising. I am aware that you don't have much interest in physical activity, but you will NEED to create that interest. Working out isn't just for burning weight, it is part of the overall function of being healthy. You WILL NOT be able to manage your weight without working out and just making yourself eat 1200 calories. It just isn't gonna happen.
Here would be the first basic steps to start:
-Check out the TL community weight loss thread, Great starter
-START. WORKING. OUT. It doesn't have to be lifting, just go out and do something. Get an ipod and run around listening to trance or something. Anything that makes you burn calories and increase metabolism is good. Working out is the key to weight loss, you will start seeing magically awesome things happen if you follow a nice workout routine.
-Stop drinking soda and sugary drinks. Drink water, juices (not sugary ones), etc. Just completely cut soda from your diet. I quit soda a while ago and now it tastes like ass to me. Its very easy to avoid it.
-Confidence. Start to realize that your physical appearance is not everything, and you bring your own personality and skillset to the table. Stop defining yourself as someone who is fat, and instead define yourself by what you do and what you are good at/like. Your depression will only hurt you, so I would definitely start doing things that are related to self actualization (working out will make you feel great by the way).
But good luck dude, if you take anything from my post its to start a nice workout program that you enjoy and can do daily. Also, it does take alot of balls to type that out, even here on the internet. your weight isn't everything, you obviously are a pretty awesome person if you can be sincere like that.
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I don't like the fact you reject physical exercise as a solution 
Just from personal experience:
Although I was never heavily overweight (about ~190p max when I should be ~160p) I was also a 13 year old heavy smoker. But the state of mind is similar, I felt I had to do something yet I never actually did.
I tried holding back on eating pizza-hut and smoking 2 packs while playing WoW all day, but failed. Again and again and again. Months and years past. The constant failure is so demoralizing and it only makes you give in even more.
Making a drastic change in your life is a good (if not the best) option when you pure will is failing you.
I quit smoking and next day I went running, feeling like a scared little bird. Long story short, I've been to 3 Triathlon races (swimming, cycling, running -consecutively), attended 1 marathon and numerous amateur running races. I inevitably lost weight and never smoked ever since. My self-respect is much higher than back then and my will stronger, because I've proved to myself I'm not as weak as I thought I was.
I strongly recommend you try and somehow incorporate physical exercise in your life somehow.
At your weight you can start cycling, or just start walking and eventually be able to run again.
Sorry for long reply and good luck =]
*Edit: While I was writing this the above poster gave some good advice :>
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On October 25 2010 15:25 snorlax wrote:
@Xeris I guess so I mean I know this sounds like an excuse but I go to school an hour away and it ends at five so I get home do homework do my hour and a half work out and just chill for an hour not much extra time. I guess I could consider more time exercising on the weekends through.
Make the commitment to exercise for like 30 minutes everyday and you'll notice that you won't have a decrease in your productivity. I'm not kidding at all. There might actually be scientific study to back me up (I kind of remember reading it somewhere) but I'm not sure.
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Hmm can't really help you but i'm sensitive to your pain and wish you the best of luck.
As for girls, don't be so pessimistic about it. Life is full of surprise in this domain and girl taste in men is very wide. On this topic you really can convert you're "I'm fat" issue into "I'm protective bear" set of mind. So never get upset about people that despises you, if they stop there and judge before knowing if you're awesome or not they do not deserve much of your thoughts.
I know this sounds easier than it really is. But in the end it must come down to this. You have to see things in a much brighter way than you are seeing them right. You might want to work on other attractive things in your free time, and take care of your weight as much as you can. If you are already doing your best feel no regret about it, there is no point.
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On October 25 2010 15:48 madnessman wrote:Show nested quote +On October 25 2010 15:25 snorlax wrote:
@Xeris I guess so I mean I know this sounds like an excuse but I go to school an hour away and it ends at five so I get home do homework do my hour and a half work out and just chill for an hour not much extra time. I guess I could consider more time exercising on the weekends through. Make the commitment to exercise for like 30 minutes everyday and you'll notice that you won't have a decrease in your productivity. I'm not kidding at all. There might actually be scientific study to back me up (I kind of remember reading it somewhere) but I'm not sure.
I'm not sure if this was made clear but I do a pretty intense bike ride five days a week for an hour and a half, I do think part of my solution will involve more exercise though
to everyone else thanks for the feedback!
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I understand that your weight problem is generally different from others, but still - if you refuse to exercise, work out, run (walk?) then you really haven't remotely reached the point of futility like it seems you believe.
I'm naturally a really really skinny kid, and even if I eat a lot and stuff my face, it generally goes nowhere. But I change(d) that by working out, and taking initiative by saying - okay, my genetics aren't enough, but I can do something about it, to the best that I can. I'm not a supermodel, i'm no bodybuilder, I'm not someone who girls will drop panties on sight at the beach for, but I look better and feel better.
I understand you, but saying "I don't like exercising" doesn't seem like a legitimate excuse to not exercise.
edit: just saw your last post - that's good, but have you considered weight lifting? Building muscle changes your metabolism and burns a lot more calories throughout the day (rather than just during the bike ride).
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I agree I don't think it is a legitimate excuse for me but I still don't enjoy it I strugle through it and try and find new ways but what I was trying to say is that I just don't in general like it.
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My mom went through that surgery and all the other things you listed. She doesn't have your condition but the surgery did work fantastically for her. She is definitely still fat, but no where near what she once was.
No one looks and feels good with out exercise (compared to someone who does exercise). I strongly encourage you to find some way to fit it in. It doesn't have to be much, just something.
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Cut all processed sugar from your diet. Take up hiking, preferably with friends. If you're in Los Angeles, I can recommend some excellent trails.
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EPT
