[Girl blog] Time to start changing, for real - Page 2

On May 16 2019 11:38 Jealous wrote:+ Show Spoiler +
I am a legendary girl blog poster, you are a person everyone wrote off as retarded years ago.

On May 16 2019 11:34 bITt.mAN wrote:
It's been a while since a good Girl Blog! Garnet, it's good that you're working through this, keep at it! Don't listen to the people insulting you or taking away hope — they're unsupportive and are mocking you for sport. Which is shameful; 10 years ago the internet was a different place, "Incel" didn't exist, and TL was kinder than this.

Allow me to edit this recent BW article into a gaming metaphor (it may be a bit cringe but this IS a StarCraft forum after all).


If you have these flaws in how you approach StarCraft, that may shed some insights on your personality, and how well you do in tense interactions.

1. There are some things you have going for you - you have a car, a job, and are 'out there' in the world (rather than being a total recluse who doesn't have enough confidence to even dare to talk to girls).

2. But there are other important things you still need to progress in. I would say the biggest one is confidence. If you were stronger and more stable within yourself, you'd be able to take rejection when necessary, but also be able to give her support without being desperate for her attention or touch.

3. I like micro more than macro because its more fun and interesting, whereas macro is repetitive and not as flashy. But some things are simply more important than others (microing my heart out with a handful of units will do nothing against 3x as many units just a-moved). I don't like it either, but that's how it is. The same goes for putting all your effort into things that don't have the biggest effect: planning exactly the 'right' words or moves, organizing your one single evening to meet, needing this girl because you feel you need to rush 4-pool all-in because it's been so long since your last match and it doesn't feel like you have any other options. Our gimmicks are micro, where we should really focus is our underlying problems.


So what are your overall underlying problems? The biggest one we all face is we can't usually answer this (self-awareness) question about our-self. Which is why it's good you're reaching out for advice and support.
Try to go through what people have suggested, to identify A. what are the signs of the underlying problem B. what do you need to learn to not have that problem anymore C. how to practice, what specific things can you do to improve?


Again, plenty of comments are just negative, without helping you identify the actual misunderstandings or how to work through them. But here is some advice:
Coming back to Confidence (from 2.)
A. the signs that you aren't confident about this situation is seen in your reaction to the fact that it hasn't turned out the way you want to: you worry about it and try to make every (desperate) effort possible to try to 'fix' it.
B. what you've failed to understand is that she's free, you can't actually do any amount of effort to force her to love you, trust you, or be attracted to you. You may want to, but it doesn't work like that. You could be the coolest, hottest, most down-to-earth guy in the world, but if a girl doesn't like you, you can't succeed in forcing her to like you. It's got to be natural, she's got to want to, she's got to freely choose you.
C. so instead of trying to convince her, trick her, impress her, or prove to her why she should like you (micro) — you should just become a like-able person! Work on your overall life mechanics and macro. Focus on being more financially stable and socially strong. If your work is taking 100% of your focus right now, get gud/efficient, plan ahead your meals and your workload and laundry so that all the normal things you've got to handle for life only take up 60% of your effort. That gives you 40% space to have a social life — reconnect with old friends, attend group social events (sports, church, gaming, scouts, societies). This gives you social exposure (which you say you've lacked) to practice and develop the awareness you've been missing. It helps having friends see how you act in those settings who afterwards give you feedback e.g. helping you see yourself from outside, which things you said worked well or when you turned people off. Don't worry that "they're all airheads", having superficial friends you're not super into is still better than having no friends at all. We all need people to eat food with, people to talk to, people to attend events with, even if we don't have much in common. Group events massively increase the number of girls you have exposure to, which means more options and more practice. Of course it'll be stressful and awkward at first, it may feel unnatural, it might challenge you to change some things in order to adapt. But that might actually be worth it! Loneliness/isolation is both a cause and an effect of more loneliness, the only way out is to make small efforts, put on the training wheels, do a little, fight the urge to give up, and build it into a habit, and eventually change your life and person.
Right now, you're not able to love, because you can't see and understand the situation enough to know when you're going "too far". I think it's more lust than love. So taking these challenges and learning to change is great — it enables you to be strong and to love, and to not only 'get' or 'take' from girls/people, but eventually to be able to 'give' or 'support'. ONLY Once you're more developed can you dedicate 60% work 20% social 20% significant other. Before you can manage to keep a girlfriend and contribute to her life, make her happy, and get along well with her friends ... you first need to be able to do that with your own friends. If you don't already have people you relate closely with in your life, start there, because a girlfriend needs all the same basics but comes with more stress and drama. There's no shortcut, it progresses in this order. That's exactly why she was asking if you've had a girlfriend before because if the answer is 'no' then it basically means you're inexperienced. Which is fine, if that's the truth don't be ashamed of it, everyone starts somewhere, and we'll get to what steps you can take. But please understand: she won't solve all of your problems, she isn't your therapist or your savior. She's her own person with her own issues, and will be happy to be nice to you and keep you company, but it's not fair for you to dump your problems and weaknesses on her when in fact they're yours to sort out.

I used to struggle with conforming, I didn't want to make any changes to my look or my behavior, because I wanted people to accept me exactly as I was. I would wear overly-bright colors and funny hats, and act strange. And in some sense that's legitimate. I spent my time living and expressing myself exactly how I wanted. Perhaps the same can be said of you and your long hair. But gradually I realized this was pushing people away before they had enough time to get accustomed to me. Thus because I cared more about connection than individualism, I decided to make the effort to learn to conform. I still have lots of my old weird clothes and hats, I can totally choose to wear them if I want to, I haven't lost that and my identity hasn't died. But dressing more normally, acting more normally, and learning better social skills of how to respond to what people are saying and actually take an interest in them, enabled me to make lots more friends, including girls. It makes you more flexible (like having a more versatile play-style). I know I'm not 'normal', certainly not, the sport I watched growing up was Korean professional gaming, and I still love it, and I unashamedly tell that to people (when it fits the conversation). Not ONCE have I found someone IRL who connects with that and reciprocates, but so what? It's confidence that lets you get away with being yourself and liking whatever you want. When you know how to act normal, rather than overwhelming people, they'll feel less unsure and get to trust you sooner, after which you can then gradually reveal more of what you're really like, and but by that point they're much more likely to stick-around.

So, you're not forced to cut your hair just to please the people around you thinking "If only I obey them and do what they say, then they'll like me.". That'd be an insecure thing to do. There are plenty of appealing confident people with long hair. There are also plenty of unappealing insecure people with long hair (I know multiple 'computer people' like this). But, if you do want to keep your long hair, you'll need to put enough effort so that it doesn't seem unattractive. She explicitly told you to wash your hair more. It doesn't matter if you think it's greasy or not, if girls think that, just wash your darn hair. Sometimes you've just got to make basic efforts if you want to be 'attractive enough'. You need to make some effort to be more appealing, so the first step is deciding that that effort is worth it.
I know having long hair takes time to grow, and has an awkward transition phase, so maybe you'd want to keep it. But you could also embark on a more dramatic change, and cutting one's hair is a classic way to do that. Is having long hair actually a choice? Or is it just a habit that you're comfortable with, and you lack the confidence to risk trying something outside your comfort zone? Are you rocking it, or are you hiding behind it? If you're hiding, if you're too scared to make that choice, that shows you lack confidence, so take this as a step to build confidence. You can either avoid these sorts of struggles and be trapped and miserable, or you can gradually work through them and build up your APM/stamina with practice. (To quote White-Ra "more GG more skill"). I know it's hard to make new friends as a young adult, but think about it, that's actually exactly what you want to do if you're looking for a girlfriend. So get out there, do what you need to do, take the challenges, take losses, more losses, but learn from them, keep practicing, keep going, and you'll learn and grow! The people around you didn't learn these social skills overnight, they spent all of high school and college. If you haven't caught up yet, well, get on it now. You can't change your past, but you can change the path you take from now on. For example if you've dedicated yourself to learning how to play StarCraft properly, that proves you already know exactly how to go through a challenging learning period, which doesn't happen overnight, but through repeated losses and lessons you eventually catch up. (It helps to have gosus around you to inspire you and learn from). You actually have advantages if you're a late-starter (compared to high school) in learning social integration: you have more intelligence, you have more money to go do fun things like rock climbing or the cinema, the people you'll be around are less insecure and more mature so they're easier to make friends with, they're more confident so they can give honest truthful feedback, and they have better interpersonal understanding so they can give you better quality feedback. Go get 'em!

So the main one is confidence. Ideally you wouldn't feel resentful or desperate if a girl doesn't like you. You should be living a worthwhile life, being a positive influence with your friends, and being happy by yourself, irrespective of the girl. (Otherwise you're too thirsty and at risk of becoming needy, dependent, and addicted to her, which isn't good to her.) If she doesn't like you, sure that's kinda sad and it hurts your ego a bit, but ultimately, focus on being such a boss that it's her loss [not yours]. Or, to quote the 'legendary girl blog poster' Fanatacist from a decade ago when I was going through this myself: "Don't give a fuck". (Damn, time files doesn't it ILOVEKITTENS?) If you can't be happy without her you won't be happy with her. It seems like a paradox but it's true. Being able to be happy without her means you're not in survival mode, so you can make good long-term decisions. If you're unable to be happy without a girl, but you don't have a girl, you'll be miserable, thus unable to make good long-term decisions, so you won't progress enough to get/keep a girl, so you'll stay miserable. People who are poor but win the lottery usually end up poor again because they haven't learned the rich-people mental balance and restraint needed to play it cool with their money. Same with loneliness vs. social wealth, if you're not socially 'good', chances are you'll have a very rocky volatile immature unhealthy relationship, whereas if you're calm and stable, that's exactly what you need if you want to get/keep/support a girlfriend and exactly what you learn from having friend groups.


Now, some quick pointers:
Being desperate (we've effectively addressed this one already) ≠ act like a gentleman
A. Signs: feeling like she's your only option, setting a goal that you need to "get touch"
B. Understand: you're too thirsty right now, your thirst is too strong. So you'll drink and drink and take and take from her but never give and never give up, not realizing how that feels for her until its too late and you've over-drunk and squeezed her affection dry (see this scene where he thinks he's not drinking but that's because the demon in the suit is messing with his perception, and he actually drinks himself to death).
C. Actions: Work on reducing your thirst. Less thoughts, less talk, more actions. Macro up your daily life, become socially balanced and like-able, and after that, [i]anyone[/] would have good reason to find you attractive!

Stalking/"where are you"/calling out her bullshit/nagging/begging/over-texting ≠ being more forgiving
A. Signs: you can see her priorities by how much attention she pays you. If spending time with you was something that was precious and exciting for her, she'd prioritize it, she'd look forward to it, she'd do her fucking laundry at a different time. Use empathy to simulate her emotions to interpret her actions: you prioritize her and tell the truth because you're interested. She's doing the opposite: avoiding you and making up shit excuses, which is the logical behavior of someone who is not interested in you. (Now, honest mistakes do happen, especially when people are under tons of burdens and stress, we'll talk about that next). Dating before texting arrived had clearer boundaries: if it'd be too awkward to say to her face or say in a voice call, you're not at a stage when you can say it at all, sorry. But texts allow unhealthy levels of guaranteed access — a privilege you haven't earned and should discipline yourself to not abuse. If you're unable to keep your hands off her or off her DMs, that shows you can't control herself to respect her boundaries and privacy, which is good reason for her to feel uncomfortable that you can't control yourself meaning you're untrustworthy.
Sidenote on stalker behavior: when it's a choice between you getting what you want, and her feeling safe, always choose the think that makes her feel safe. If she trusts you, she'll choose to let you in, but until then it's quite reasonable for her to be careful and self-protective because a girl being nice to a guy carries many more risks than a guy being nice to a girl (for the record I don't endorse that author). Don't put her in uncomfortable situations where she feels trapped, don't violate her sense of physical safety, don't insist on crossing into her safe zone. Respect it and defend it, otherwise you're (rightfully) not welcome there. Her home, workplace, and phone are her (safe)zone. If you want access to her, ask (don't take), offer something interesting and worth her time, and be someone who's worth her time.
B. Understand: She should want you, she should be interested in you, she should be attracted to you. If she isn't, paying her more attention and trying to force her to like you isn't going to help. At best, you'll get pity, but that's not respect. One doesn't beg for respect, one earns it. You can't force her to like you, but you can put effort into improving yourself so that any girl would be attracted to you.
C. Actions: What you've said is quite true, currently you aren't forgiving, you're not able to do that, it's not a choice you can make .... because you haven't built up your tech tree enough to make Ghosts. But that doesn't mean making Ghosts is impossible, it's just not possible right now. So work at it! Do the actions suggested above.

"Work hard"/money/she's too stressed
A. Signs: Frankly I'm surprised she followed-through and met again with you. Let's be clear: this was not a date, you did not earn it or deserve it. It was a mercy, a favor, don't take it for granted because it isn't a promise that there's more to come. It's a "sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I really need you to understand that you're not ready for me right now". How can you tell? Because you needed to beg for it, and you were desperate for it. If it was chill and all good, you could wait a week or two. But the stress and tension and drama proves it's already falling apart before it even starts.
Also, the fact that she shared some personal stuff with you is not a "I love you", it's a "I trust you". Notice that, acknowledge that, respect that. Treat her well. She confided in you that she's really struggling with money, and with family stress. (For the record, respecting that means respecting confidentiality, so, probably not writing about it on a pseudonymous internet forum). She does sound very over-worked meaning she isn't managing to Macro her own life even at 100% focus, so there isn't enough space in there for you right now, sorry. The fact that she's considering being dead means it's really tearing her apart. It would be so good if you gained the social knowledge to know how to support her.
B. Understand. What's the right thing to do in this situation? Beg her for more attention? Boss her around and nag her about things that are high on your priority list? Try to "get touch"? For that last one, I suspect it's something like "I'm getting frustrated that this isn't going the way I want it to, so I'm going to gamble all-in on escalating the intimacy, forcing her to either A. touch me, or B. slap me. I'm so bad at hearing her say she doesn't like me, or I'm so desperately unable to deal with that, that I need her to physically fight me until I get the fucking point and back off."
C. Actions: Dude, just be kind to her. But in this situation, being kind to her means respecting her choices and desires, which currently means taking some distance so that you can get stronger. Don't buy her flowers, don't pay her more attention, don't stick yourself into her life, don't put her in situations where she's forced to respond or pay you attention (don't ask her questions, make plans without a response, and then guilt her into interacting with you). Just learn to understand people so that you can understand her, learn to support her, become stable, reliable, and trustworthy enough that you're actually able to support her. Oh and I'm getting some pretty strong hints here that she's insecure about her finances, and would feel reassured to be with someone who "works hard". (Don't become a workaholic, but don't be slacking either). So go through the fight of making more money, so that you would actually be able to take care of her financially too. She's not there to be grabbed, used, or leeched-from, she's there to be loved (consensually, within her rules and boundaries).

So in conclusion, leave her be. If you feel lonely and empty from being away from her, distribute that passion and energy more evenly across meeting a new social group (and, reconnecting with family and old friends, make a list of the top 50 people you want to keep in your life). Set yourself a goal: no contact for 3 months, cut hair, update look, do some fitness thing at least once a week, attend a social event at least once-twice each week, and reserve one night a week (e.g. Sunday night) for calling friends/family cycling through the list. If you really can't resist texting her, delete her number and unfriend her (tell her you're doing this and that you'll reconnect in 3 months once you're doing better). If you're unwilling to do this step, if you're desperate to hold onto her, that's exactly the evidence that you're clinging too tightly before it's even begun, and that you need other sources of support beyond her, to not inadvertently choke her.

Building your confidence and doing all of this doesn't compromise your identity, it strengthens it, and makes you actually able to love (not just lust).
[3.6k words LOL]

On May 16 2019 01:40 fishjie wrote:


you posted in the last thread on may 13, you made this thread on may 14, what do you mean it happened before you read any comment in the last one? sounds like you stubbornly ignored what everyone said. she's not into you. hopefully you actually listen, because she pretty much directly told you as much as possible that she wants nothing to do with you. leave her alone. dont try to hug her

On May 16 2019 22:35 Garnet wrote:



I read all of your post. I think I know what to do and what NOT to do now. It won't be easy, since I seriously lack self-respect and self-discipline. I guess I'll have to FORCE myself to do what's needed, since no kind of motivation has helped me much up to now. It's hard to move your ass to do anything when you have no love for yourself.

On May 16 2019 22:38 Garnet wrote:

Well it actually happened on May 13. Timezones you know.

On May 17 2019 00:26 Puosu wrote:
Professional help > self-help

If you do not know what you're supposed to do to get the ideal female you want, you do not deserve that female to begin with.

On May 17 2019 00:57 fishjie wrote:


except you had already been responding to posts in part 2 on may 13. why even post asking for feedback if you're going to ignore it?

On May 16 2019 22:35 Garnet wrote:



I read all of your post. I think I know what to do and what NOT to do now. It won't be easy, since I seriously lack self-respect and self-discipline. I guess I'll have to FORCE myself to do what's needed, since no kind of motivation has helped me much up to now. It's hard to move your ass to do anything when you have no love for yourself.

On May 19 2019 21:51 Dangermousecatdog wrote:
The most unrealistic thing about this trainwreck is that the poster is supposed to be a Vietnamese guy in Vietnam who has long hair.