EPT
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Hello, and welcome to CoW's TL-exclusive Guide to Girls! You've tried the best, and then you tried the rest, and now you're trying this, because let's face it, you're desperate for any form of meaningful human contact.
As a man who has tracked and observed girls for many years with a devotion bordering on pathological obsession (judge's words, not mine!) and who has, on several occasions, come close enough to girls to smell their perfume and even touch their hair, I feel more than qualified to give you, my lonesome brethren, some cool tips and tricks to not only acquire a female partner, but to maintain a relationship with her for several hours, perhaps even days or weeks.
First, the hardest part: getting a girl to like you, also known as the fine art of seduction. This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom. The damage has already been done.
Luckily, there is no need to worry, for I am here to bestow my knowledge upon you in exchange for your soul.
Just follow the easy bits of advice below and there will almost certainly be a nonzero chance that a girl will tolerate your presence in the foreseeable future!
- Be an alpha male. Girls love alpha males. Show them that you don't care about what anyone else thinks about you, because you set the standards. Demonstrate your intense self-confidence by flat-out ignoring traditional gender roles and wearing a pretty skirt, a thong, high heels and as much make-up as you can possibly fit on your face. Girls will see that you are a rebel who plays by nobody's rules but his own, and they will love it.
- Make sure the girl you're dating is actually real, and not just a figment of your pathetic imagination. Or a ghost. Ectoplasmic periods are a terrible, terrible thing. The stains will literally haunt you forever.
- Girls get much better at identifying unsuitable mates as they grow older. Therefore, you should seduce them when they are still as young (and dumb) as possible. Consult your local age of consent laws to determine the legal minimum age, because you'll probably end up in jail if you show up at a kindergarten with a bouquet of roses.
- Never bathe. Girls love a masculine scent. If for some reason you get the blood of your enemies on you, don't remove that either. It shows that you've bested someone and therefore is solid proof that you are not the biggest loser on the planet.
- Buy a katana (Japanese for 'handgun') and become proficient with it. Make sure you can do cool swooshy and swirly moves with your weapon to impress the girls, but never accidentally drop it. A man scurrying across the floor to retrieve his weapon is probably the single most pathetic sight on this planet (perhaps second only to the sight of a fat man attempting to reach a hamburger you taped to his back, spinning around like a desperate morbidly obese dreidel).
- If you happen to drop a particularly large log in the toilet, take a picture of it and show it to girls as a trophy. Evolutionary psychological research on the female brain has shown that they will give you the same amount of respect for this as they would for a tribe's greatest hunter [citation needed].
- Should you find a girl looking at you, never break eye contact, don't make any sudden movements and never ever turn your back towards her. If you do, she will identify you as prey, chase you down and tear you apart with her long nails and razor sharp teeth. Make yourself seem as large as possible and confidently stride towards her while making loud, intimidating noises.
The second part: maintaining a relationship. So, you've managed to snag a girl. Weird, but okay, fair enough. Now, you'll want to do everything in your power to keep her firmly in your grasp. This will take a lot of effort and constant focus. It is therefore strongly recommended that you quit your job (or whatever it is you do between waking up in the morning and crying yourself to sleep at night). If your girlfriend has a job, make her quit it as well. The risk of her speaking with other people is simply too high. You really don't want to have her talking to some guy for more than a few seconds and have her realize that she could actually be dating him instead of your sorry ass.
Again, of course, you are in luck, because your good buddy CoW has all the pointers you need to prevent your girlfriend from leaving you and casting you back into the black abyss of solitude from whence you came. Please note that, since I've never actually personally made it to this point, all of the following suggestions are based purely on conjecture. Rest assured, however, that the science behind them is sound. Much like women, you cannot argue with science.
- Should your girl ever confess that she cheated on you, don't get angry with her. Girls are simple creatures, and you cannot blame them for following their natural impulses, like when a dog poops on the floor, or when a banker destroys the world's financial system. If anything, it's your fault. She has a lot of love to give, and you're failing to absorb it all. You fail at being a love sponge. Nobody wants excess love seeping into the carpet and making a mess, so if you start slacking, of course there are going to be guys ready to catch that surplus affection. Or dogs. It's only natural. Which brings us to the next point:
- Do everything your girl asks of you. Be extremely available and fulfill her every desire. If she's having all of her needs met, she will never leave you. This works because girls are logical beings and they act out of rational self-interest.
- Play into her maternal instincts by completely behaving like a baby. Shit your pants every few hours. Require constant supervision and assistance with even the most basic tasks like moving around and feeding yourself. Cry every time anything goes even slightly wrong, or sometimes even for no reason at all.
- Alternatively, trick her into actually having a baby with you. Children make great leverage. Whenever your girl is within earshot, tell your child how much you love it and how much you would hate to have to murder it if mommy ever left. Proceed to smile at mommy while making stabbing motions towards the child with an imaginary knife.
- Turn your basement into a makeshift survival bunker, lock your girlfriend up in there and convince her that the Apocalypse has happened, killing literally everyone but you two. She can't leave the last man on earth. There would be nobody left to repopulate the globe, and God would be mega pissed off. It'll just be you and her, sitting in a bare room, looking at each other, with nothing but the sound of a clock, each tick bringing you closer to death. The perfect relationship.
Well, there you have it. Just follow this useful guide and you too might some day know some semblance of happiness, however hollow or fleeting it may be. If you have any remarks or questions about my guide, feel free to post them here and I will answer to the best of my ability. No criticism, please. I really, really don't take kindly to criticism.
If you're a girl and you find yourself aroused by my vast knowledge about your gender, feel free to send me a PM with a recent picture of yourself and I'll see if we can talk.
Yours forever,
vGl-CoW
#1 Poster
