Hello, and welcome to CoW's TL-exclusive Guide to Girls! You've tried the best, and then you tried the rest, and now you're trying this, because let's face it, you're desperate for any form of meaningful human contact. As a man who has tracked and observed girls for many years with a devotion bordering on pathological obsession (judge's words, not mine!) and who has, on several occasions, come close enough to girls to smell their perfume and even touch their hair, I feel more than qualified to give you, my lonesome brethren, some cool tips and tricks to not only acquire a female partner, but to maintain a relationship with her for several hours, perhaps even days or weeks.
First, the hardest part: getting a girl to like you, also known as the fine art of seduction. This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom. The damage has already been done. Luckily, there is no need to worry, for I am here to bestow my knowledge upon you in exchange for your soul. Just follow the easy bits of advice below and there will almost certainly be a nonzero chance that a girl will tolerate your presence in the foreseeable future!
Be an alpha male. Girls love alpha males. Show them that you don't care about what anyone else thinks about you, because you set the standards. Demonstrate your intense self-confidence by flat-out ignoring traditional gender roles and wearing a pretty skirt, a thong, high heels and as much make-up as you can possibly fit on your face. Girls will see that you are a rebel who plays by nobody's rules but his own, and they will love it.
Make sure the girl you're dating is actually real, and not just a figment of your pathetic imagination. Or a ghost. Ectoplasmic periods are a terrible, terrible thing. The stains will literally haunt you forever.
Girls get much better at identifying unsuitable mates as they grow older. Therefore, you should seduce them when they are still as young (and dumb) as possible. Consult your local age of consent laws to determine the legal minimum age, because you'll probably end up in jail if you show up at a kindergarten with a bouquet of roses.
Never bathe. Girls love a masculine scent. If for some reason you get the blood of your enemies on you, don't remove that either. It shows that you've bested someone and therefore is solid proof that you are not the biggest loser on the planet.
Buy a katana (Japanese for 'handgun') and become proficient with it. Make sure you can do cool swooshy and swirly moves with your weapon to impress the girls, but never accidentally drop it. A man scurrying across the floor to retrieve his weapon is probably the single most pathetic sight on this planet (perhaps second only to the sight of a fat man attempting to reach a hamburger you taped to his back, spinning around like a desperate morbidly obese dreidel).
If you happen to drop a particularly large log in the toilet, take a picture of it and show it to girls as a trophy. Evolutionary psychological research on the female brain has shown that they will give you the same amount of respect for this as they would for a tribe's greatest hunter [citation needed].
Should you find a girl looking at you, never break eye contact, don't make any sudden movements and never ever turn your back towards her. If you do, she will identify you as prey, chase you down and tear you apart with her long nails and razor sharp teeth. Make yourself seem as large as possible and confidently stride towards her while making loud, intimidating noises.
The second part: maintaining a relationship. So, you've managed to snag a girl. Weird, but okay, fair enough. Now, you'll want to do everything in your power to keep her firmly in your grasp. This will take a lot of effort and constant focus. It is therefore strongly recommended that you quit your job (or whatever it is you do between waking up in the morning and crying yourself to sleep at night). If your girlfriend has a job, make her quit it as well. The risk of her speaking with other people is simply too high. You really don't want to have her talking to some guy for more than a few seconds and have her realize that she could actually be dating him instead of your sorry ass. Again, of course, you are in luck, because your good buddy CoW has all the pointers you need to prevent your girlfriend from leaving you and casting you back into the black abyss of solitude from whence you came. Please note that, since I've never actually personally made it to this point, all of the following suggestions are based purely on conjecture. Rest assured, however, that the science behind them is sound. Much like women, you cannot argue with science.
Should your girl ever confess that she cheated on you, don't get angry with her. Girls are simple creatures, and you cannot blame them for following their natural impulses, like when a dog poops on the floor, or when a banker destroys the world's financial system. If anything, it's your fault. She has a lot of love to give, and you're failing to absorb it all. You fail at being a love sponge. Nobody wants excess love seeping into the carpet and making a mess, so if you start slacking, of course there are going to be guys ready to catch that surplus affection. Or dogs. It's only natural. Which brings us to the next point:
Do everything your girl asks of you. Be extremely available and fulfill her every desire. If she's having all of her needs met, she will never leave you. This works because girls are logical beings and they act out of rational self-interest.
Play into her maternal instincts by completely behaving like a baby. Shit your pants every few hours. Require constant supervision and assistance with even the most basic tasks like moving around and feeding yourself. Cry every time anything goes even slightly wrong, or sometimes even for no reason at all.
Alternatively, trick her into actually having a baby with you. Children make great leverage. Whenever your girl is within earshot, tell your child how much you love it and how much you would hate to have to murder it if mommy ever left. Proceed to smile at mommy while making stabbing motions towards the child with an imaginary knife.
Turn your basement into a makeshift survival bunker, lock your girlfriend up in there and convince her that the Apocalypse has happened, killing literally everyone but you two. She can't leave the last man on earth. There would be nobody left to repopulate the globe, and God would be mega pissed off. It'll just be you and her, sitting in a bare room, looking at each other, with nothing but the sound of a clock, each tick bringing you closer to death. The perfect relationship.
Well, there you have it. Just follow this useful guide and you too might some day know some semblance of happiness, however hollow or fleeting it may be. If you have any remarks or questions about my guide, feel free to post them here and I will answer to the best of my ability. No criticism, please. I really, really don't take kindly to criticism. If you're a girl and you find yourself aroused by my vast knowledge about your gender, feel free to send me a PM with a recent picture of yourself and I'll see if we can talk.
K-On! Banner: 10/5 Disgusting whale picture: -5/5 Satire of internet neckbeards who claim to be PUA but are even lonelier than the people seeking advice: 5/5 (+EDIT) XeRO reference: 5/5 ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Overall: 5/5
On January 25 2013 23:44 vGl-CoW wrote: tell your child how much you love it and how much you would hate to have to murder it if mommy ever left. Proceed to smile at mommy while making stabbing motions towards the child with an imaginary knife.
This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom.
Sure, keep telling that to yourself meanwhile I continue my endless raping of innocent girls.
This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom.
Sure, keep telling that to yourself meanwhile I continue my endless raping of innocent girls.
Luckily for you, this is in the blog section, otherwise KwarK would probably go apeshit upon reading that. ^^
This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom.
Sure, keep telling that to yourself meanwhile I continue my endless raping of innocent girls.
I can confirm this guide works. I discovered most of this stuff by myself many years ago, its a shame now that its all freely available on the internet, I guess I'll have to up my game.
Thank you. I used to be a geek who couldn't talk to girls but now that I've guilt tripped one to go out with me and had a kid with her that stabbing thing prevents her from leaving me. You forgot to mention that you have to put a gps tracker in the kid will prevent her from running away with the kid.
I ended up reading through the entirety of Xero's blog from this, and never got to finish this particular post. Damn it Cow that was a distraction move of epic proportions
As a nerdy asian guy that got a hot white wife, I must say, the secret is foreskin. Not money, not cars (civic), or Blizzard collector's editions stacked in a pile.
At least that is the only good reason I can figure out.
On January 26 2013 10:27 Burrfoot wrote: As a nerdy asian guy that got a hot white wife, I must say, the secret is foreskin. Not money, not cars (civic), or Blizzard collector's editions stacked in a pile.
At least that is the only good reason I can figure out.
I thought that the foreskin thing was hyperlinked and tried to click it. What's wrong with me?
Wow. That article blew my mind on the wall! I've never viewed it in such a light and I now know the errors in my ways. I am but a peasant to your infinite empire on the knowledge of women. Thank you! + Show Spoiler +
That was one of the most hilarious things I've read in a long time! :D
Holy shit, thanks for all the great comments, everyone! Really appreciate it. This is now by far the most successful blog I've ever written. It's making me feel all light-headed. I think I'm gonna have to sit down for a bit. (I usually type standing up because I like to pretend I'm a bridge officer on the Starship Enterprise.)
This art form emerged many thousands of years ago, when our caveman ancestors decided that the simple act of rape had become too easy and boring, and that they should try to get girls to have sex with them without resorting to physical violence. Kind of a dumbass move in retrospect, but it's too late now to try and change such an ancient and primitive custom.
Sure, keep telling that to yourself meanwhile I continue my endless raping of innocent girls.
Well, we can't all be so lucky as to live in an ex-Soviet nation.
On January 26 2013 01:51 Blade Fox wrote: shitting my pants and crying as we speak, wish me luck
You won't need luck.
On January 26 2013 03:10 Kiett wrote: cow im madly in love with you
Niiiice... although I have to admit, I'm getting some mixed signals here?
On January 26 2013 03:56 Crissaegrim wrote: Cow, why has no self-help publisher ever contacted you for a 10 book contract when you have such profound words both said and yet to be said?
As is the case with most things I don't understand, I suspect it's because of a vast and nefarious conspiracy aimed at personally ruining me, orchestrated by a nebulous brotherhood known as 'the Haters'.
On January 26 2013 10:27 Burrfoot wrote: As a nerdy asian guy that got a hot white wife, I must say, the secret is foreskin. Not money, not cars (civic), or Blizzard collector's editions stacked in a pile.
At least that is the only good reason I can figure out.
Interesting... I'm gonna have to find a mohel's trashcan and a stapler to verify this hypothesis.
On January 27 2013 09:53 Abenson wrote: NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING WAIFUS
Agreed.
On January 27 2013 18:59 ninazerg wrote: Wow, if only there were a guy who would really do all this, he would be the perfect husband. I don't think anyone can live up to this standard though.
Hello CoW! Sorry to be a few days late to respond, but building a makeshift survival bunker correctly was no small feat!
Firstly, I am wondering where I should deliver my soul too? I've removed it and am keeping it on ice in my freezer but I'm not sure how long it will last there, and I don't want to send you a rotten soul!
Secondly - I followed your guide to the letter. After I finished my bunker, I identified m̶y̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶y̶ potential girlfriend at the local college (silly consent laws), looked her in the eye while taking a shit in public (alpha male shit), and then proceeded to stab her with my katana. Thankfully, blood did come out of her so I can confirm she is either an advanced cyborg or, more hopefully real. She professed her love for me and we were about to ride off into the sunset.
HOWEVER!!! Apparently taking a shit in public and verifying if a girl is real by stabbing her (I mean, I avoided anything major and she only needed some stitches) is illegal in California. Silly liberals. So some idiot called campus police and we never quite made it into the sunset. She's not pressing charges, but apparently she doesn't have to for a criminal case.
So, what I'm hoping from you is a followup guide, something along the lines of [G] How To Escape Prison, a guide that will hopefully be as informative and as easy to follow as this one! Also, please this time take into account California laws so I don't run into any more trouble, as I did this time
P.S. Until I post bail I won't be able to mail my soul so apologies in advance for any delays! P.P.S I had to whore myself out with multiple men to obtain a phone with internet access in a prison holding cell, so it'll be a few days before m̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶h̶o̶l̶e̶ I've recovered enough to get a phone again to read your replies. Apologies again for the delays
Hi Cow, I have followed your tutorial step by step and I just got to the point where I know not what to do. My problem is, now I have more girls than I can handle, which is two. This in turn causes the following problems, nothing too serious, but still problems:
1) they both fight with me and each other all the time. They say you cannot have 2+ girls at the time since it's considered cheating. Why it wasn't in your tutorial? Well I am not going to sue you for that, to err is human, but please don't halfass tutorials again. 2) Since I began relationships with them I can play StarCraft only casually, which is no more than 16 hours per day 6 days per week. Apparently you cannot have 2+ of any combination of StarCraft and girls. 3) After learning about those two girls, my wife is leaving me. WTF man, wife is incompatible with girls too? What is compatible with them, then?
On January 28 2013 00:42 teamamerica wrote: Hello CoW! Sorry to be a few days late to respond, but building a makeshift survival bunker correctly was no small feat!
Firstly, I am wondering where I should deliver my soul too? I've removed it and am keeping it on ice in my freezer but I'm not sure how long it will last there, and I don't want to send you a rotten soul!
Secondly - I followed your guide to the letter. After I finished my bunker, I identified m̶y̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶y̶ potential girlfriend at the local college (silly consent laws), looked her in the eye while taking a shit in public (alpha male shit), and then proceeded to stab her with my katana. Thankfully, blood did come out of her so I can confirm she is either an advanced cyborg or, more hopefully real. She professed her love for me and we were about to ride off into the sunset.
HOWEVER!!! Apparently taking a shit in public and verifying if a girl is real by stabbing her (I mean, I avoided anything major and she only needed some stitches) is illegal in California. Silly liberals. So some idiot called campus police and we never quite made it into the sunset. She's not pressing charges, but apparently she doesn't have to for a criminal case.
So, what I'm hoping from you is a followup guide, something along the lines of [G] How To Escape Prison, a guide that will hopefully be as informative and as easy to follow as this one! Also, please this time take into account California laws so I don't run into any more trouble, as I did this time
P.S. Until I post bail I won't be able to mail my soul so apologies in advance for any delays! P.P.S I had to whore myself out with multiple men to obtain a phone with internet access in a prison holding cell, so it'll be a few days before m̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶h̶o̶l̶e̶ I've recovered enough to get a phone again to read your replies. Apologies again for the delays
Hello dear friend,
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you've had to face by following my guide. Unfortunately, there are many people out there who have not yet seen the light. They continue to cling on to such petty concepts as laws, human rights and gender equality. On the bright side, from what I understand about the theory of evolution, these people will soon be filtered out of the gene pool when Darwin sneaks into their house at night and smothers them with a pillow. Please send my kindest regards to your battered rectum for its admirable service in allowing you to send me this message. I bet it looks like a bearded guy's mouth after he's just had all of his teeth knocked out. Truly deplorable.
Don't worry about your soul. You can pop it back in. As a token of my sympathy, I will wait to collect it upon your death, which will hopefully be many, many days from now.
I'm not sure how you allowed yourself to be captured while wielding a katana. In my country, police officers are only allowed to carry whistles, which tend to perform poorly against most conventional weaponry. Perhaps I should have been more mindful of the world's more barbaric regions as I was writing this guide. My deepest apologies to you and your anus.
I'm afraid I can offer little guidance on breaking out of prison. I've only ever been to prison to visit my late grandfather, who apparently was incarcerated for something mean he did way back in the 40's to some ethnoreligious group who I believe were called the ewes. Talk about holding a grudge, right? Anyway, from what I understand, gender works differently in prison. Apparently males can change their sex in the absence of females and become what is known as the "bitch", just like clownfish do. I believe you may have already had some experience with this phenomenon. It should then be easy for you to locate any newly formed females in your vicinity and seduce them with the knowledge you have gained from my guide. Voila, you have yourself a new girlfriend! You'll still have ninety-nine problems, but at least a bitch won't be one.
Regards,
CoW
On January 28 2013 03:47 Sejanus wrote: Hi Cow, I have followed your tutorial step by step and I just got to the point where I know not what to do. My problem is, now I have more girls than I can handle, which is two. This in turn causes the following problems, nothing too serious, but still problems:
1) they both fight with me and each other all the time. They say you cannot have 2+ girls at the time since it's considered cheating. Why it wasn't in your tutorial? Well I am not going to sue you for that, to err is human, but please don't halfass tutorials again. 2) Since I began relationships with them I can play StarCraft only casually, which is no more than 16 hours per day 6 days per week. Apparently you cannot have 2+ of any combination of StarCraft and girls. 3) After learning about those two girls, my wife is leaving me. WTF man, wife is incompatible with girls too? What is compatible with them, then?
I am depressed.
Hello buddy,
Sounds like you have some real luxury problems on your hands! I had assumed that most people would see their thirst for companionship quenched with a single partner, and so in the interest of brevity, I did not include any polygamous scenarios in my guide. Regardless, I do think you have a couple of options.
If you want to keep all of your partners, the best way would probably be to convince each of them that the other ones aren't real, and are in fact just figments of their diseased, incredibly jealous minds. This is tricky to pull off, but certainly possible if you can make them doubt their grasp on reality. I would usually suggest to slip some LSD into their morning coffee, but I see that you are from Lithuania, so I suggest to slip some LSD into their morning vodka. If spiking their drinks every single day proves too much of a hassle, you can also try soaking their tampons in LSD. Those things can absorb enough to keep your loved ones viciously hallucinating for the rest of the month. Keeping them drugged like this has two main benefits: first, any time they see something they don't like, you can simply tell them they're hallucinating it (which will usually be true), and second, their constant state of utter confusion and disorientation will make them heavily reliant on you. Play it smart and they'll do anything you say. Anything.
If you don't mind losing partners, you may consider a 'survival of the fittest' scenario. Submit them to various competitive tests to determine which one of them is the most suitable mate for you. Such tests may include seeing who can suck a golf ball through a hose the fastest, or who can accommodate the largest egg plant in their rectum while still maintaining a smile, but you can be creative and devise tests that suit your personal needs. Alternatively, you may consider having them fight for your affection through mortal combat. Again, you can be creative here. Have them fight in skimpy bikinis, or wearing nothing at all, or wearing an insane amount of clothes. Have them wrestle, or duke it out in a gunfight, or give them forks or corkscrews or nuclear weapons. The possibilities are endless! This particular method has the added benefit of having the surviving girl grow even more fond of you. After all, she just killed two other people to be able to stay with you. No way she's leaving. Also, it will free up precious extra time to play StarCraft. If at any point your partners appear reluctant to prove their worth through cruel tests or murdering their competitors, you may again consider the use of LSD to guide them into coerciveness. Ah, marvelous LSD. There is no problem it can't solve. Except for my walls, which seem to be melting.
I hope these suggestions prove useful in curing your depression. Another great cure for depression: stop living in Lithuania.
On the bright side, from what I understand about the theory of evolution, these people will soon be filtered out of the gene pool when Darwin sneaks into their house at night and smothers them with a pillow.
Oh god this had me laughing uncontrollably for half a minute.
EPT
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