EPT![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/ugws6PR.png)
LucasFilm revealed the title to the latest installment to the Star Wars franchise and fans were not* disappointed
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It's back! The movie franchise equivalent of going to court to sue your ex for child support. You're excited to get that bag, but you gotta see that fucking scumbag again first, lying to the judge while covering up his skull tattoos by wearing a nice dress-shirt for once in his goddamn life. Except in this case, you pay money to buy a movie ticket, OR -- cuz let's keep it real -- you watch it for free on some site that uploaded the movie, violating copyright laws. Actually, don't do that second one. I was just kidding. + Show Spoiler +
THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL
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Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker will premiere in 8 months, but released a one-minute trailer today that has fans screaming with excitement to have more Star Wars to be stuffed down their eye-sockets. The title of the new film was also revealed as "The Rise of Skywalker", and today we will be breaking down what we saw in that trailer, and discussing theit sucks.
To be clear:
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Pictured above: Julian Assange being arrested in London, but I'm looking at the news ticker, and want to know what a demon did to spark protests. Probably some sneaky demon shit, but what?
+ Show Spoiler +
We're not gonna discuss the picture above, because our Annunaki Overlords don't want us to discuss THE TRUTH ABOUT THE BLACKHOLE/FLAT EARTH, so we're gonna discuss Star Wars. But first, I want you to look at a few things:
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I have to be very careful about what I post here. They're watching me. Jesus Christ. I feel like Edward Snowden right now. I am literally Edward Snowden.
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/lTglfec.jpg)
It is [hypothetically] a well-known fact that The Outback Steakhouse [hypothetically] requires child sacrifice to Baphomet, and each year, children are [hypothetically] abducted and ritualistically murdered so that their Lord Satan will [hypothetically] grant them the most tender and juicy steaks. Nobody wants to talk about how The Outback Steakhouse is [hypothetically] funding a media campaign to normalize the sexualization of young children through Japanese cartoons in order to do this in the open.
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Listen you borderline-illiterate fuckman, you do NOT put apostrophes in plurals of words. If you're going to sacrifice millions of tree-spirits (and trees have souls and feel) so you can print your goddamn signs, at least have the common decency to get the signs proof-read first so you aren't saying "UFO's" when you should be saying "UFOs". I can't understand why this is so hard in this day and age. It's fucking 2019, get the fuck out of here.
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/lWaJnhG.jpg)
Here is an image of some baby piglets being nursed by a larger mother pig. The usage of this imagery is to show how bacon is delicious, but how in the process of the creation of bacon, milk is used. Milk is used to make bacon? Yes, folks. Bacon is basically milk, which is why lactose intolerant people also can't drincc bacon. You know who else doesn't eat bacon and controls 90% of the world's currenc
[END OF CONSPIRACY SECTION]
I have to be very careful about what I post here. They're watching me. Jesus Christ. I feel like Edward Snowden right now. I am literally Edward Snowden.
It is [hypothetically] a well-known fact that The Outback Steakhouse [hypothetically] requires child sacrifice to Baphomet, and each year, children are [hypothetically] abducted and ritualistically murdered so that their Lord Satan will [hypothetically] grant them the most tender and juicy steaks. Nobody wants to talk about how The Outback Steakhouse is [hypothetically] funding a media campaign to normalize the sexualization of young children through Japanese cartoons in order to do this in the open.
Listen you borderline-illiterate fuckman, you do NOT put apostrophes in plurals of words. If you're going to sacrifice millions of tree-spirits (and trees have souls and feel) so you can print your goddamn signs, at least have the common decency to get the signs proof-read first so you aren't saying "UFO's" when you should be saying "UFOs". I can't understand why this is so hard in this day and age. It's fucking 2019, get the fuck out of here.
Here is an image of some baby piglets being nursed by a larger mother pig. The usage of this imagery is to show how bacon is delicious, but how in the process of the creation of bacon, milk is used. Milk is used to make bacon? Yes, folks. Bacon is basically milk, which is why lactose intolerant people also can't drincc bacon. You know who else doesn't eat bacon and controls 90% of the world's currenc
[END OF CONSPIRACY SECTION]
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What I loved about this trailer: It says that the saga is finally ending. Thank you, Jesus. Miracles do happen.
Everything else: We see Rey alone on not-Tattooine holding the blue lightsaber. Because everything belongs to Rey now; the blue lightsaber, the Millennium Falcon, the legacy of Luke Skywalker, the fate of the galaxy, and Chewbacca. You remember how, at the end of The Last Jedi, Rey has the broken lightsaber with her? No, you don't because you tried to blot that movie out of your mind after being traumatized by Tico Rose #MeToo-ing Finn on a battlefield made of salt and pepper. Finn was the pepper. Because he's black. Get it? Cuz peppercorns are also black! What a story, Mark. I miss 2013.
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Then Rey does a backflip over Kylo Ren's TIE-fighter, which is a sentence that sounds like a 5-year-old wrote it. Technically, I know it's not a "backflip", but I don't know what that move is called, and I'm sorry. I did about as much research as the people writing these films. Now: why is Kylo trying to ram Rey with a spaceship at surface-level? Why doesn't he shoot his ship's weapons? Why doesn't he fly at an altitude that Rey can't reach and target her from the air? Why doesn't Kylo just nuke the planet from orbit? Apparently, the First Order is in charge of the galaxy now. They could just inquisition the whole planet.
Or, remember StarCraft? Remember when the Protoss destroyed the entire Mar Sara colony from space?
Or, remember Star Wars? Remember when the bad guys built a super-weapon -- at least three times -- that was able to blow up a whole planet?
Moving on, we see a dark planet for like 2 seconds, so something
Then we see Kylo Ren with no helmet killing some people. I don't know who he's killing, but boi, he sure is killing them.
Kylo is also rebuilding his mask. This is where the trailer started to fuck with the part of my brain that analyzes stuff. I think that part is called the cerebrum. Anyway, Kylo smashed his mask in TLJ. Remember tha... wait. I've already established that everyone is blocking that out. Well, he smashed his fucking mask in TLJ, and I mean, he shattered it. He took a piece of solid metal and actually shattered it into small pieces with his bare hands, and then kept all those little pieces in a box just in case he wanted to weld them back together 5 years later. It makes sense, right? When I hate a symbol of the phony I am, I usually also kept the pieces of it around instead of throwing them into one of the many bottomless pits that exist in the Star Wars universe.
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What really makes me mad about this is that the mask should have been gone. But seeing as how some of the more pathetic fans didn't seem to care for The Last Jedi (I hardly even noticed, thought it was pretty good), Disney decided to do an over-correction.
An over-correction is when you are heading in a direction that you deem not beneficial to your interests, such as sliding sideways on an icy highway at 80 mph (5000 kph), and you turn in the other direction so hard that you end up making the problem worse. That's kind of what I see here in terms of story-telling. The mask alone is fine. But as you'll see, it's not just the mask. It's the "bring back the stuff people like" bullshit. I bolded that line because I want it to stand out to you.
In director JJ Abrams' prior endeavor, The Force Awakens, we saw him bring back a lot of stuff from the original trilogy. This was because the prequels fucking sucked, the fans were sick of George Lucas' bullshit. They liked the original three films, and wanted more of the good stuff like that, but instead the fans got a bunch of Gungans stepping in the big doo-doo. In an attempt to step away from the unsavory originality of the prequel trilogy, JJ Abrams lifted the entire script of A New Hope, and repurposed it to be a new movie. This approach was [hypothetically] a statement: "Please don't hate this movie. It's giving you the Star Wars movie you loved all over again."
Ironically, The Last Jedi was lauded for not copying The Empire Strikes Back (Even though it did?) but that turned out to be an over-correction of the criticism of The Force Awakens, even though it technically didn't introduce much in the way of new ideas, with respect to a certain Resistance admiral warping a cruiser through another warship.
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However, TFA left people with a lot of questions, none of which would be answered in TLJ. So we're 2/3rds of the way through the story, and all that happened was Luke drank a bunch of green milk and then fucking died. Oops... that was 5 billion dollars poorly-spent. Now, Star Wars has, at most, 2:30:00 of screen-time to fix the damn trilogy and actually tell a story that makes us want to buy a bunch of shitty merchandise. How do we do that? The main villain is dead. The main hero is dead. The main hero's best friend is dead. The main hero's sister can only come back through unused footage and bad CGI. The Starkiller Base is destroyed.
The answer is to keep recycling the original trilogy over and over until we get sick of this nostalgia-fest and burn Disneyland to the ground.
Then we see Finn holding Rey's staff from episode 7, so we know he's gonna be in the movie, and hopefully not doing something worthless this time. BB-8 appears, so you know that this genderqueer little droid will be back, and not doing something worthless this time.
Then, OH. THE MILLENNIUM FALCON
"The sage comes to an end"
Thank the maker.
Some more sand-planet and an explosion happening, because Star Wars needs an explosion in each movie. You see Oscar Isaac and C3P0 on one of Jabba's sand-skiffs, because that was in Return Of The Jedi. Do you recall that movie? I sure do. It sure was a good movie. Some people didn't like the ewoks, but I did because I was 9 years old, so fuck you.
Then some medal.
Leia and Rey embracing in some homoerotic lesbian sex position and Rey cries as she experiences female x female love for the first time with her dominant elderly mommy.
Wide shot of Rey/Poe/Finn/BB8/C3P0/Chewie standing in a field. Chewie is in the background because he's worthless now. They look out and see a destroyed piece of THE DEATH STAR.
Now, I watched Return Of The Jedi, and the explosion from the Death Star core completely obliterated that thing. There were no large chunks being flung into space. But yeah, bring it back because of nostalgia.
Luke says "No one's ever really gone" in the voiceover. Then the screen fades to black and the Emperor laughs.
Can we let the Emperor rip in pepperonis, gamers? Do you have to dredge up the corpse of a man who looks like a corpse to appease your fucking fertility-god? Why do we gotta do this? Even in my stupidest predictions, I did not bring the Emperor back. I said there would be a relative of Snoke's. Unless the Emperor is Snoke's dad. Maybe they're cousins. Snoke may just come completely back because I heard Andy Serkis may have been secretly brought in for Star Wars: 9.
You know what, though? The Emperor coming back would be the biggest shit-in-the-face to fans of the original trilogy since George Lucas decided to make Darth Vader go "no" before throwing the electric-spewing monarch into one of the many bottomless pits that exist in the Star Wars universe. They already brought Darth Maul back, which was stupid on its own. And yeah, I know Palpatine was brought back in the EU, which I hated. That's why I'm not a fan of the EU fan-fics. There's one where Palpatine has a secret son, there's one where Palpatine has clones of himself, and yes, comes back to rule the Empire despite having died. THE MAN FELL INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT, THEN EXPLODED, AND THEN THAT EXPLOSION EXPLODED WHEN THE DEATH STAR EXPLODED. Then, 35 years later, he comes back and goes "Hey guys, what's been going on"?
NO
FUCK THAT
Here is an official video of my reaction to the Emperor laugh at the end of the trailer:
And fuck this battle, I don't wanna win, I'm outtie. Here, tell these people something they don't already know about me.
*throws mic into Papa Doc's arms*
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