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I just got back from my grandpa's funerals and although funerals do more harm than good for me, by the end of the whole ordeal I did feel better because I could see the entire family drama being put to sleep. My grandpa was so loved by so many, it was great to see all those familiar and unfamiliar faces rallying behind him to say a final goodbye (cliche). But no it really did feel better despite the rainbows and frills of the catholic church, and the attempts at heartwarming stories that were actually lies fabricated by the pastor with help of the family....
Yet toward the end of the funerals, both of my aunts came to me and told me to take care of my mom and reminded me of the main thing that keeps me awake at night. I know that my mother's been having a hard time (for years, but the passing of her father made it much, much worse). They told me she probably needed medical help, which I suspected. One of them added that she was worried that my mom would "commit the unrepairable" or such a formulation in my language. That hit the spot. I've never had such an impression, I feel like despite all of my mom's troubles, she would never commit suicide. Surely not. I've ran the scenario in my head before, and it seemed to me like there's no way she would do that, so I never really considered it. I've always supported her, I told her multiple times that I'm here for her whenever she needs me, to just call me and I'll always be there no matter what. I've helped her, I've been doing everything I can. My main worry has always been that all this stress she's been going through for years, and all this work, all these feelings of inadequacy (even though she's absurdly courageous) would chip away at her health over time... And I've been hoping for her work situation to settle down (she owns an enterprise that's only afloat because of her insanely hard work).
But what if suicide was a possibility? What if she does need medical help now? It's not like I haven't tried, even though before today I never thought she might do that. Her behavior, even without the possibility of suicide, is incredibly worrisome. She cries incredibly easily. A few weeks ago she started cried in the middle of the workplace (in front of her employees) because an important phone call dropped. When I gently told her to calm down, she literally fell to her knees, on hard wood (she is not young) and started crying harder, saying "not you too!" as if everyone was against her and I, her last "ally", had turned on her.
It's incredibly hard to help her. I've formulated in in the softest, most well-intentioned way ever: mom, you know you're the most important person in the world to me, I don't want you to take offense mom, trust me when I say I love you, but I'm worried for your well being, and even though you think everything is fine and that it'll pass, it has been years now, and you're not getting better... please see a doctor, if not for you do it for me, I'm worried for you... and if everything's fine the doctor will say that everything's fine.
She takes offense. Or she doesn't care, doesn't react. She says she's fine. And she says there's no point in seeing a doctor that'll say everything's fine, especially since she'll lose her precious hours of work - and one of the main tangible causes of her stress is the 60-70 hours a week that she works. So basically if she goes to her doctor for 45-90 minutes she'll have to work until 7 one day, and she'll have to worry about work not being done correctly, and it'll make her even more stressed and she'll feel like there's even more on her shoulders.
Yet like I said she cries easily, but she also gets angry easily, she's forgetful (which also worries me because her mom has Alzheimer's, but it might also be because of the stress/depression or the fact that she's tired). Also she doesn't sleep much. And yes it makes sense that she'd cry easily given that we've lost one of the most important people in our lives, but I don't need to be psychologist to say that her emotions are at an abnormal level.
I've done everything I know. I help her in any way I can, but I cannot, to save my life, fucking get her to reach for professional help. Her sisters have tried, I have tried. If we're lucky, she says no. If we're not, she cries, or gets angry, making us feel like we're making it worse by trying to help. I'm here asking for help... but I'm worried because I think I'm doing all that can be done. And now that she's grieving is not the best time to evaluate her mental state but what the hell should I do in 2 weeks if she's still on the edge 24 hours a day.
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I'm really sorry to hear your situation, your poor mum. I hope that you are ok.
It must be so hard to see someone you love in that way. O really don't know what else to say, sorry
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On August 23 2014 07:54 Deleuze wrote:
I'm really sorry to hear your situation, your poor mum. I hope that you are ok.
It must be so hard to see someone you love in that way. O really don't know what else to say, sorry
Thanks bud. I myself am doing alright but I really hope that we or she will work her way out of this... From my end it just seems like there's nothing we can really do but hope that she'll change her mind about getting help or gets better through some magic or whatever.
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Canada13378 Posts
On August 23 2014 08:04 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On August 23 2014 07:54 Deleuze wrote:
I'm really sorry to hear your situation, your poor mum. I hope that you are ok.
It must be so hard to see someone you love in that way. O really don't know what else to say, sorry
Thanks bud. I myself am doing alright but I really hope that we or she will work her way out of this... From my end it just seems like there's nothing we can really do but hope that she'll change her mind about getting help or gets better through some magic or whatever.
Your best bet is to call the closest hospital or psychiatric center and ask what it is you can do. If you or others think she could harm herself its the best thing you can do imo
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On August 23 2014 08:39 ZeromuS wrote:Show nested quote +On August 23 2014 08:04 Djzapz wrote:On August 23 2014 07:54 Deleuze wrote:
I'm really sorry to hear your situation, your poor mum. I hope that you are ok.
It must be so hard to see someone you love in that way. O really don't know what else to say, sorry
Thanks bud. I myself am doing alright but I really hope that we or she will work her way out of this... From my end it just seems like there's nothing we can really do but hope that she'll change her mind about getting help or gets better through some magic or whatever. Your best bet is to call the closest hospital or psychiatric center and ask what it is you can do. If you or others think she could harm herself its the best thing you can do imo
I'm not convinced that she would harm herself. But honestly, if we took her away from her enterprise for a week, she would lose it. Most of her clients would move to others (it's a cut throat business). Clients jump ship at the slightest mistake and she's the person who spots mistakes. She would lose her enterprise and her income, and that would IMO do more harm than good.
The fact that she owns this small enterprise is really 50% of the problem, it puts us in a huge ****ing dilemma where doing nothing hurts and doing something hurts. And this business is not just an income to her, trust me when I say that. She built that thing and she loves it, and she uses it to do restorations on her parent's old house near a golf course she's always played on...
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I'm sorry that this is happening to you and your family. It is always a rough time when such a great and well-loved grandfather passes.
I'm not sure it's your place to take responsibility FOR her... if she really doesn't have a serious problem, then maybe she has the final call as to whether to get help. I think, that from a concrete standpoint, she needs counseling at the very least (the intense crying shows this). If she isn't suicidal she at least needs someone to talk to. I know how hard it is to watch somebody go through emotional pain.
At least she is in touch with her emotions. She must remember a good time in her life to want to feel better. So, she sounds totally overwhelmed by the present. The taking offense to things is something that can probably be helped with cognitive behavioral therapy.
For my part, I have been through intense emotional pain... I decided against suicide long ago, that it would never be an option. Others aren't so lucky... so it could be a case where she has decided it is not an option, and is just at an intense emotional low. In that case, I think it is important that you hear it from her, that she is against it, without necessarily asking her. If you do receive such an answer, then I'm of the opinion that you should just trust her, she is obviously strong to be working so hard, but do continue to give her lots of love. In this case, the only things I know that cure it is time and relaxation. Does she have anything she wants to do but isn't doing? She has her business... it's good not to have all of your confidence boosters in one basket. So, does she have other things she likes to do, that she is good at or could become good at if she put some time into them? That kind of thing is what helped me get better.
Edit: By relaxation I mean doing something that makes you feel good, like playing a musical instrument or painting or gardening or anything like this. Not watching tv.
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The first rule of psychology is: you cannot help someone who doesn' t want to be helped. for the simple reason that it will not work in the long run. it will never work.
I understand that from your prospective, it looks like she is refusing, that she is in denial. But you must understand that her prospective is completly different from yours: she is saying that she is fine; she is saying that she doesn' t see the problem.
We all think we know best about what would make other people happy, especially does closest to us. My opinion, is that each single human being knows excatly what makes them happy, what makes them glad. Deep down they know, and the best thing we can do to help is to make sure they arrive to this understanding, how is not important, but that they realize this trought their own eyes.
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On August 23 2014 10:32 hp.Shell wrote:
Does she have anything she wants to do but isn't doing? She has her business... it's good not to have all of your confidence boosters in one basket. So, does she have other things she likes to do, that she is good at or could become good at if she put some time into them? That kind of thing is what helped me get better.
Edit: By relaxation I mean doing something that makes you feel good, like playing a musical instrument or painting or gardening or anything like this. Not watching tv.
She likes painting and doing other kinds of crafts but she doesn't. I've given her some canvas and paint and a wacom drawing tablet thing but she doesn't feel like she has the time to do any of this.
On August 23 2014 10:58 pebble444 wrote:
The first rule of psychology is: you cannot help someone who doesn' t want to be helped. for the simple reason that it will not work in the long run. it will never work.
I understand that from your prospective, it looks like she is refusing, that she is in denial. But you must understand that her prospective is completly different from yours: she is saying that she is fine; she is saying that she doesn' t see the problem.
We all think we know best about what would make other people happy, especially does closest to us. My opinion, is that each single human being knows excatly what makes them happy, what makes them glad. Deep down they know, and the best thing we can do to help is to make sure they arrive to this understanding, how is not important, but that they realize this trought their own eyes.
No easy task  but yeah.
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TLADT24920 Posts
I'm sorry to hear about what your mom and you are going through. It must be rough to be trying everything yet feel like nothing is helping. Based on what you've written here, I see only two options: one, you just keep a close eye on her. I don't know how busy your life is right now with work etc... and I'm sure you're already spending time with her so when you're doing that, just keep an eye on her. Basically, aside from what you've written, does anything stand out? Has she said anything like, I'm tired of living etc....? You said your aunt said "commit the unrepairable", since you know her more than most, you would know her views on life and such which can help you there.
The other option is the force option. I'm honestly not sure how this would be done though you'll have to talk to the police and convince them that she can be dangerous to herself. They would be authorized to use force to take her to a hospital where they'll likely run tests to see her mental state etc... This is what I've heard happens but can't say 100% since I've been lucky enough to have never see it done before. It's obviously not something that I would recommend though so last resort option.
There's actually one more option that comes to mind but it's best to pm you on that since I don't know it's viability where you currently are. Really, as has been mentioned, if you've tried and she doesn't want the help, not much you can do I wish you the best of luck and hope she manages to relax and de-stress eventually!
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On August 23 2014 20:18 BigFan wrote:
I'm sorry to hear about what your mom and you are going through. It must be rough to be trying everything yet feel like nothing is helping. Based on what you've written here, I see only two options: one, you just keep a close eye on her. I don't know how busy your life is right now with work etc... and I'm sure you're already spending time with her so when you're doing that, just keep an eye on her. Basically, aside from what you've written, does anything stand out? Has she said anything like, I'm tired of living etc....? You said your aunt said "commit the unrepairable", since you know her more than most, you would know her views on life and such which can help you there.
I only work 34 hours right now and I don't have too many responsibilities but starting in September I'll be very busy. Despite that, I can find time to keep an eye on her. And yes come to think of it she said she's tired of living but twisted in a way that I've heard most people say jokingly. It's a bit of an extreme way to say we're completely tired. Given the circumstances though, it sucks. But it has been at least 3-4 months since she's said that, if not more.
The other option is the force option. I'm honestly not sure how this would be done though you'll have to talk to the police and convince them that she can be dangerous to herself. They would be authorized to use force to take her to a hospital where they'll likely run tests to see her mental state etc... This is what I've heard happens but can't say 100% since I've been lucky enough to have never see it done before. It's obviously not something that I would recommend though so last resort option.
Given the circumstances explained above, I'll only do that if I get a real sign that she's losing it. But it's not off the table by any means.
There's actually one more option that comes to mind but it's best to pm you on that since I don't know it's viability where you currently are. Really, as has been mentioned, if you've tried and she doesn't want the help, not much you can do I wish you the best of luck and hope she manages to relax and de-stress eventually!
Thanks buddy 
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TLADT24920 Posts
On August 23 2014 20:53 Djzapz wrote:Show nested quote +On August 23 2014 20:18 BigFan wrote:
I'm sorry to hear about what your mom and you are going through. It must be rough to be trying everything yet feel like nothing is helping. Based on what you've written here, I see only two options: one, you just keep a close eye on her. I don't know how busy your life is right now with work etc... and I'm sure you're already spending time with her so when you're doing that, just keep an eye on her. Basically, aside from what you've written, does anything stand out? Has she said anything like, I'm tired of living etc....? You said your aunt said "commit the unrepairable", since you know her more than most, you would know her views on life and such which can help you there. I only work 34 hours right now and I don't have too many responsibilities but starting in September I'll be very busy. Despite that, I can find time to keep an eye on her. And yes come to think of it she said she's tired of living but twisted in a way that I've heard most people say jokingly. It's a bit of an extreme way to say we're completely tired. Given the circumstances though, it sucks. But it has been at least 3-4 months since she's said that, if not more. Show nested quote +The other option is the force option. I'm honestly not sure how this would be done though you'll have to talk to the police and convince them that she can be dangerous to herself. They would be authorized to use force to take her to a hospital where they'll likely run tests to see her mental state etc... This is what I've heard happens but can't say 100% since I've been lucky enough to have never see it done before. It's obviously not something that I would recommend though so last resort option. Given the circumstances explained above, I'll only do that if I get a real sign that she's losing it. But it's not off the table by any means. Show nested quote +There's actually one more option that comes to mind but it's best to pm you on that since I don't know it's viability where you currently are. Really, as has been mentioned, if you've tried and she doesn't want the help, not much you can do I wish you the best of luck and hope she manages to relax and de-stress eventually! Thanks buddy
yes, you're probably right there. It doesn't necessary indicate any suicidal thoughts since it gets thrown around quite a bit these days. Ya, I can only figure it must be horrible to work that much and be that stressed for quite a while :/
ya, fair enough. Hopefully, you'll never have to resort to it at all and things get better. Best of luck!
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Definitely do not use the force option or she will just probably get pissed at you.
You should talk with her about it. Share your concerns, tell her what your aunt told you, and tell her how much you love her, etc.
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That's a tough situation
Just try your best to be there for her. Spend quality time with her. Talk with her. Make her feel happy and appreciated and loved.
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If only there was some other job she could do, what a tough situation. No matter what happens she will feel pain and instability. I think you should just continue to be there for her, ultimately there's not much else you can do except hope she works out the situation for herself. As you said she yells at you and your sisters for trying to help, making things worse!
Also I don't want this to sound the wrong way, but maybe death isn't so bad? You could look at it in a positive way, that she's finally going to be at peace. I don't think suicide should always be viewed in a negative light; sometimes a person's mental state may very well be unrepairable and the cause of too much anguish. Only she can make that decision of course; I think your only job is to try to do things with her so that she still has some positive things to live for!
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On August 24 2014 00:00 radscorpion9 wrote:
Also I don't want this to sound the wrong way, but maybe death isn't so bad? You could look at it in a positive way, that she's finally going to be at peace. I don't think suicide should always be viewed in a negative light; sometimes a person's mental state may very well be unrepairable and the cause of too much anguish. Only she can make that decision of course; I think your only job is to try to do things with her so that she still has some positive things to live for!
This is exactly what every suicidal person wants to be told so that they can justify taking their own life. It is incorrect.
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At this point you need to seek professional advice, it's a serious issue that requires serious professional help
You better take care of yourself too.
Best of luck man
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On August 24 2014 00:00 radscorpion9 wrote:
Also I don't want this to sound the wrong way, but maybe death isn't so bad? You could look at it in a positive way, that she's finally going to be at peace. I don't think suicide should always be viewed in a negative light; sometimes a person's mental state may very well be unrepairable and the cause of too much anguish. Only she can make that decision of course; I think your only job is to try to do things with her so that she still has some positive things to live for!
Death's bad because I don't believe for an instant that she's "unrepairable". She needs to get over this bump and I wholly believe that given time and effort she will. This is a 56 year old woman with a big family that loves her and hobbies and despite all I've said she still smiles a lot and she's happy much of the time. She's not some case of terminal cancer. So yeah death is really fucking bad.
On August 24 2014 02:36 ETisME wrote:
At this point you need to seek professional advice, it's a serious issue that requires serious professional help
You better take care of yourself too.
Best of luck man
Thanks, I'm good though.
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I might suggest writing a heartfelt letter to your mother with your feelings, and asking her seriously to not dismiss your worries. Explain in detail why you are worried and why you want her to seek help. Things which are often easily brushed off in conversation are more confronting when written down, especially by one we love. I hope you can convince your mum to get help, or at the least start a dialogue where she's more comfortable confiding in you. Good luck, I hope things turn up for you and your family.
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On August 24 2014 06:15 PiGStarcraft wrote:
I might suggest writing a heartfelt letter to your mother with your feelings, and asking her seriously to not dismiss your worries. Explain in detail why you are worried and why you want her to seek help. Things which are often easily brushed off in conversation are more confronting when written down, especially by one we love. I hope you can convince your mum to get help, or at the least start a dialogue where she's more comfortable confiding in you. Good luck, I hope things turn up for you and your family.
Thanks buddy... I might actually do that, I can see how it would be more effective.
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It was not a suicide threat, but my mother used to depressive symptoms when i was younger. I wasn't really aware, but turns out that it was an endocrinal problem and proper thyroid treatment solved it. My relationship with her, and her quality of life improved a lot.
I have depressive symptoms now, turns out i have no idea what it is about. Its really hard for me to ask for help but luckly its not a big deal and at least im not really bothering other people (no, im not living with my parents anymore ^^)
Trust me, refusing help is part of it, but if its a simple thing like a physiological problem it shoudn't be that hard to check it at least once. And if thats the problem, dealing with it is not that hard at all. Those are my 2 cents.
Be patient with her and keep in mind that someone willing to suicide usually shows some very clear signs like self multilation and obsession towards death. Pay attention if she actually talks about suicide. If it comes to this level, react properly and do everything you can to save her life.
Also, now that she is grieving is probably a bad time to evaluate if there is a sickness or just natural sadness, so as long as she is not showing any signs of suicide it should be ok to just give emotional support. Ask a professional about the problem, explain that your mother refuses to see a doctor.
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