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Korea (South)1897 Posts
MY WINTER
It's May 31, nearly 7 months since my last post, and whether you believe or not; I have been working non-stop in a situation that feels like I'm a character in the Game of Thrones. If I had to pick one, I'd say 'Arya Stark'. If you know her character well and circumstances- she is in over her head, but she is still a Stark. She has a mission to get vengeance, but she isn't strong enough to simply do it, rather she is making due with the situation, taking risks where she can, and most of all preparing and giving herself options. But to emphasis, she is always in deep shit and always on the verge of being ended, it's day to day survival.
In the 7 months, I managed to completely fail supporting TL Knowhow, and even our community in general, even though I did get to some PMs here and there; and even those who I consider my closest support and friends, I've basically cut off all contact with everyone as I've tried to work this project out. This isn't my obsession, and I've come to understand, its not for survival either- as to why I am in the situation I'm in. But really, I had nothing left for anyone except for my wife and kids and this project, even myself, I felt as though I was just an empty shell of the man I was- not that I had even any time to think about it.
GIVING UP THE 'GOOD FIGHT'
So, I'm nearly there, but not really there. Much like Arya, most things don't work out, but the things that do, keep things moving. Because what I'm doing isn't simple; it dependent upon a host of things, all working together, moving together and my objective isn't any less grand.
I mostly write about how I'm sucking it up and fighting the good fight. And my writing, for the most part, is a way for me to reset myself and take stock. I like to share with others, but most of all, I feel as though I have this on my mind and I just want to get it out of my system to see if I'm over-reacting or being a whiny pussy or legitimately in that place.
About 2 months ago, I stopped fighting the good fight. I realized I couldn't win/survive that way. You fight the good fight, hoping that the cavalry will arrive, but how long can you just react and retrench when you pretty much know that giant eagles aren't gonna come and carry you away. I stopped fighting to survive and to took a complete reset. But it took about a month to completely reset and get to the mental position I was before.
TO NOT BEND THE KNEE
I think the one thing that makes Arya, much better than me is, she never forgets she is Arya Stark, in the sense that she does what she has to do, but she never lets others completely dictate her path. To accommodate others, I lost that sense of myself, that the project was worth more than my worth, that no sacrifice was too great. But the sacrifice is always too great when you put your self-worth on the table- because that is what got you there in the first place. You can't ever let go of that.
I wouldn't say that I've been humbled, but rather humiliated throughout portions of this project and instead of putting forth my position, I accepted the humiliation thinking that they would mistake it for humility and the process would continue. Rather I think, humility gives clarity and the ability to act on that clarity is what gives us insight to be great; to simply accept being humiliated, does nothing for anyone, least of all yourself. Such a simple thing, things that we know when a school boy bully confronts you, you confront them back- to simply accept is to accept not just defeat, but that in fact, you are meant to be bullied, that your worth is determined by someone else.
AM I?
But in my case, I thought it was my lack of humility was the obstacle for progress, and in many ways yes, but it is easy to lose your sense of self as well in the process and confuse humiliation by others with the need to be humble because your confidence may have been a determent all this time...In the case with Arya, she does what she needs to do, but every night she recites the names of those she will personally kill and doesn't forget her own worth, no matter the circumstances. Not that I'm planning on doing the same, but all expectation for greatness went out the window and just this need to get by day-by-day replaced it.
I AM
What I've done is stop being afraid. Afraid of the consequences of failure or the repercussions of it. It was always there, behind all the bravo and the force of will. It's not that I'm still not afraid, but I'm no long denying that it is a major factor in my considerations; and that I've accepted, to simply not progress in this project to simply not fail, but to should I do, fine, life goes on. And that has given me the freedom to take more risks, risks that I know I can handle and that push the limits of the project. These are not foolish risks, rather necessary risks, which I hadn't been taking.
In the case of the humiliations, I don't bend my knee any longer. I don't concede points to those not in my field who are part of this process from the other parties (CFO's, lawyers, advisers to the board etc). Without them, the project could still go on, without me, there is no project. Up to this point, I never called their bluff, but I have this time and I was prepared for the consequences that never came.
STILL GOING FOR GREATNESS
Thank God, I am close to the end of this process, it's hard for me to celebrate anything because in my industry, things change in an instant and there is still a lot of managing to do, and until we launch, nothing is really guaranteed, but for the first time in 3 years since I started off on my own with the support of my wife and friends, I feel as though I am leading the project rather than being naive to think I was in control or lowering myself to just another bit player.
What has been impressed upon me is that:
1. Fortunes change, and its fine, not everything is an up hill trajectory or a learning experience, sometimes timing, and even luck is just not there, and you have simply wait, but there is no shame in not always progressing up each step each day, as long as you're in the thick of it with still the same understanding/confidence that got you there.
2. I may end this process the same way I start 3 years ago, going for greatness, but my understanding of greatness has changed dramatically. I no longer want to crush my opposition/competitors or get back to the position of influence I once had in the industry. I can now simply understand my own worth independent of comparison- which was something I wasn't able to do before.
Apologies for the lack of business details, it really is that sensitive. As to the next time I write, I don't know. Today was an exception in that I'm in a waiting period for the next 4 days and that it is a confirmed part of the schedule, so it was probably the first day in 7 months where I really could just take as much time as I wanted to to write.
Best,
MA.
  
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Good stuff.
Keep on trucking man. It's amazing to read about the whole process from your perspective, and I hope one day to see that all your work and persistence over the years will be fruitful.
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Good read, per the usual.
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You are the mighty atom, and no one will be able to break your subatomical bonds, no matter what they try! Keep on going, you seem to have the ability to believe in yourself even when others won't and that will carry you through tough times. Best of luck to you, and thanks for the good write-up.
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You are always an inspiration. I've been an avid follower of your blogs since I've discovered them (I don't usually read blogs) and recognise that each of your blogs have hidden nuggets of wisdom. There is stuff in your blogs that I still don't completely understand but I know is important, I just don't comprehend its significance because I haven't come across such a situation.
Best of luck in your endeavors and I eagerly await further installments of your climbing corporate ladder TL know how series.
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United States996 Posts
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I liked your posts, but this blog is just... you did not even go through the effort of making a parabel for what you actually do, instead you made one for the feelings you already spend a lot of text for describing. I feel left out, stop babbleling.
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Hang in there, man. I know what you're going through right now and I can't imagine the strength it takes to keep going when your family also depends on the results you bring home every quarter.
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Finally you're back!
Glad to hear you're okay.
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
Hey guys!,
Another semi-day off, my schedule has been confirmed for Monday, so I'm back to the grind then, but otherwise ~ I'm free to do whatever I want today and tomorrow.
Much thanks for all the comments- some of you know me better than others and I wrote this post an update more than anything else-that I'm alive haha-, plus, I've missed contributing and being part of TL; TL does keep me balanced in that gaming has been such a significant part of my entire life.
Well, Mini Atom is doing very well, he now speaks fluent Korean and a tiny bit of English. In his preschool he got a Spanish girlfriend, 'Mel', but she snagged him and he is just going with it. haha. He is at a Montessori school so they do all their game activities together. sc4k thanks for asking ^^; Tiny Atom, is doing well, but he is a bit anti-social after surviving multiple assassination attempts by Mini Atom, he tends not to like to play with other toddlers as he thinks everyone is out to get him. But I think Tiny Atom will get an excellent career as a spy or ninja- but jokes aside, it's become an issue that I'm trying to figure out.
In terms of what I've been doing over the last 7 months that I was so occupied that I wasn't in a position to post. Again, business detail wise, it really is that sensitive, and I just spent the last 5 minutes writing it out, realizing that its too much info; basically much of what I do is pretty out there, so if you were to google what company I met with just some of the vague description to what I've described, then it would only be a handful worldwide. But in terms of how busy, I traveled between 4 countries this month with about 15 flights, while not indicative of really how busy I was, if you have a reason to visit that much, I was busy and it is that sensitive and if I could I would, but coming to the end of this process, I'd rather just past this point first. ^^
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Man. After my 1st year of uni, a lot of the things you wrote in your blogs from before stuck to me and I was super reminded of them with a few of the experiences.
I wanna thank you - you've been a pretty big inspiration for me and every now and then I'll think of something you wrote about grinding it out and i'll boss through something.
It's great to know you're alive and doing well. Kinda cool how its been 7 months - being home again after like 9 months of being at uni makes me feel like the time just disappeared and everything changed at home (which it has - there's a baby now). similar to you disappearing for a while  .
Keep fighting ^_^. if anything know that you're inspiring all of us here on TL. In a few years when I make my travel to Asia i wanna buy you a drink lol.
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FREEAGLELAND26780 Posts
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thedeadhaji
39489 Posts
I fear for the day when my professional obligations force me to ask the staff to delete my blog here, as you've been forced to in the past.
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MA is my life..just puttin it out there
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Canada806 Posts
Always love your blogs MA... I know it's pretty sensitive, but can you at least tell us what industry you work in, if not anything more specific than that? I'm really curious and I don't know if I just missed it in one of your last blogs or if you've actually never told us for some reason.
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[B]On May 31 2013 17:25 MightyAtom wrote:
I can now simply understand my own worth independent of comparison- which was something I wasn't able to do before.
You're likely busy at work now, but this line confuses me.
How do you know a rock is hard? You know a rock is hard because you can compare it to the softness of a pillow.
So too, to measure your own worth, you must compare yourself to others in order to know where you stand on the worth-scale.
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On June 02 2013 07:17 Thaniri wrote:Show nested quote +[B]On May 31 2013 17:25 MightyAtom wrote:
I can now simply understand my own worth independent of comparison- which was something I wasn't able to do before.
You're likely busy at work now, but this line confuses me. How do you know a rock is hard? You know a rock is hard because you can compare it to the softness of a pillow. So too, to measure your own worth, you must compare yourself to others in order to know where you stand on the worth-scale.
The process involved backing himself instead of compromise and because he stood his ground the result gave him a new appreciation for his own inherent competence and the fundamental importance of his role in the projects. There's no Brinell hardness scale for human egos and its folly to ram your head against everything and see what breaks but this time instead of avoiding conflict he gained new insight about how solid he and his position were, regardless of whether he was fawned on or the object of scorn and derision. Self confidence and knowing your relative place in complex business settings is a difficult thing, so this was a real epiphany for him.
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
Hey guys,
last day before I get into the thick of it again.
You guys must know that all your comments are always deeply appreciated, of course whenever I post, I also get a lot from the comments. They deeply move me as well.
In the case of my industry; its a very gov't/political dictated industry with a lot of major players, extremely competitive. So ensuring information is held in confidence is extremely important as a leak would result in breaking some very fragile relationships or negotiations, which are always on going. But it all depends again, at what level you're working at, I personally would like to be a dominate global player in this industry so my only advantage is the work I put in behind the scenes. Previously some industry people had actually found out about this blog and it had caused issues. But since I've dropped off the media radar for some time now, I do not think most people who read this could really guess what I'm really up to. That being said, until things are settled, I'd rather not risk anything as it would be irresponsible on my part, but I still am using my judgement to share this much.
In terms of what Thaniri wrote and what Noradrenaline responded with, I don't think, even if I had all the time in world, could have not written it better. But to just add to it; I think the main thing is context; I would agree with what Thaniri writes on a general scale of performance, but as I near 40 years of age, that general scale doesn't really have any meaning any more, my own identity is firmly understood over years of comparisons, but also exceeding those comparisons; but what happens when there is nothing really to compare yourself with or what if people try to impose their standards and try to force you to compare/behave according to those standards which may actually be quite negative to you. There is this point where you do exist independent of comparison (but comparison was a major part of the process); and while some may start to take this as 'everything is subjective etc' (as most university students will say)- what is not subjective is the results your position will produce. I think what Noradreanline writes as a very concise summary basically is it - I felt as though I needed to conform to their standards to make the process work, especially since I am working with a number of parties who are necessary to set things up properly, but who are not directly part of my industry. Part of their tactic was for me to constantly make concessions to the way 'they did business' as not the way the industry does. The problem being is that the projects that I do, haven't been done before at this particular scale or context, so the knowhow isn't even out there in the major consulting firms, finance companies or the big 4 accountancy firms.
But when you work on something for nearly a year in just negotiations and preparations, its a lot of investment for really nothing unless we actually make the money and close out the project. It's kinda like being an arms dealer and representing a couple of countries (not that I'm currently doing that), the knowhow is dependent upon a lot of gov't contacts, but I'm very doubtful that most major corporate institutions really understand the nuts and bolts and the risk probably is off the charts of most bank's risk valuation calculations - let alone really be a part of the launching of a new arms dealing company at a global scale. Again, this is NOT what I'm currently doing now, but just as an example.
I think even being convinced that I need this or that, it was a moment of weakness which appeased others, but ultimately delayed the process for a bit of time as we needed to get 'interests aligned' which in the end never was going to happen and it took me calling a lot of bluffs from a lot of parties and it's still not a totally sorted process, but even not tying my worth to this project was a huge step for me for me to be able to say I could walk away from it if some parties didn't concede.
Well, I have an early morning tomorrow, going from here to another country in the morning, then taking a 2am flight back home to see my wife and kids who I haven't seen in over a week and just a handful of days this month. I'll probably fly out again by mid-week, but again, we're near the end of this process.
Thank you all for the comments/thoughts, I will be back in Korea from June 15-25 or so; so maybe we can do a TL meet up in Seoul or Ilsan (I don't have a home in Seoul any more because I moved my family out a few months ago- so my sister-in-law is getting married and they live in Ilsan) so either way- when I get in we can all meet up whoever is in Korea and of course I'm paying for everything - everything being dinner and drinks and norang bang, but unfortunately no booking clubs ^^ I'm still on a tight budget until the project closes.
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So here I am, reading this blog, not having read any of the previous blogs. Finishing up the "GIVING UP "GOOD FIGHT" I thought I was reading about someone suffering from cancer. However as I read on and eventually finished the blog, I was trying to grasp what I just had read. I sift through the comments and one or two of the previous blogs. However I don't really get to the essence. So I realize I must start from the beginning. I must read each and every blog. Here comes my dissapointment: Deleted blogs.
Anyways from what I've been able to piece together, you're somewhat of on the brink of launching/buying/ becoming stakeholder in/inventing/selling/negotiating a deal or mix of all those things. And it's major. Something that can change an entire industry. And if the comments isn't lying, it's related to IKEA. You have my attention.
So all in all, I am a bit torn in what I should do. Should I read the blogs that are out there, or will that really aid me in figuring out what you do, or should I just wait for a new blog to surface in what seems could be within a timerange of 1 day to 7 months. And by writing figuring out what you do, I don't mean to get to the reveal of something secret. I just want something I can relate to, a beginning, midsection, possible end? Because I like your writing, it's creative, exciting, educational and sharp. And ultimately i have a lot of time on my hand at the moment.
Any fellow TL'er want to fill me in, or aid?
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EPT
