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Korea (South)1897 Posts
So, here I am, hotel room with a pack of marboro lights, some uber sugary ice tea with Californication in the background of my desktop playing away as I organize myself to get into organizing my week's activities.
I never smoke when I'm at home, and lately I've been getting a bit more exercise with my sons and my wife has been forcing me to each vegetables at a ratio of 3:1 , 1 being some type of highly marbled protein seared to happiness. But every freaking time I go on a business trip, I revert to all my bad habits of smoking, drinking and eating whatever tastes like a man's last meal, except that I have it as 3 square meals a day.
STUPID SHIT
Thing is, right, I'm not suppose to be doing stupid shit like that because I have surgery on July 11th. So since this is my first business trip in 2 weeks, and since I've failed now for the first 8 hours on this trip, I'm hoping that I by the time I finish writing this, that I will have the sense to stop.
Yes, we all know better, we all know what is the right thing to do, we know that we have certain bad habits that when they become more than bad habits, we should stop. At the heart of it, for me at least, is the environment - that it isn't a matter of just the bad habits, but both the good and bad things that are associated as the complete picture of different environments.
JUST THE ENVIRONMENT?
Bare with me for a second and give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm not just justifying my actions. When I'm with my kids, I don't smoke, not cause I want to pretend to be a good example, it's just that I don't want them to inhale any smoke and instead of going down 19 floors to smoke behind the apartment, fuck it, I don't really need to smoke if I am at home. We don't eat out except for pizza (because my son has found the joy of cheese pizza) or family meetings with the in-laws and only end up getting smashed with my father-in-law once or twice a week on traditional korean rice wine while I end up passing out on the living room floor.
TYPICAL KOREAN ALCOHOLIC
It wasn't always like that, I use to still go out with my korean guy friends 3 times a week, get smashed 4 times a week and come back home between 4-6am. That was more or less the typical life of management consultant in Korea, but things changed just because my family life changed as well as my friends who all had babies as well, so we were all getting in shit for going out and as you get more senior you actually can make your own schedule with some clients.
When it comes to travel environment, the biggest thing that has changed is, um..nothing. I fly in, check in, have meetings at hotels, nap in between meetings, take 2 showers a day to be as fresh looking as I can and that so I can make sure my suit looks as though I just took it off the dry cleaning hangers i.e. as soon as I come in I hang up everything really nice and pretty.
I feel so disconnected from my family, from time, and the biggest thing is that I get into my alpha corporate mode and look to kill whatever deal is front of me. When I was part of a large company, I'd always travel with my staff or partners and of course when you travel with people all the time, you become friends. So it was more like you were on like an A Team mission, no matter how hard the work was, you're doing it together. But in going independent, on the quest for riches, fame and glory, - all cliches aside, I still fundamentally enjoy what I'm doing, where I'm at and wouldn't trade it for the world, except now, I have to make some changes or I'll simply won't be around to play with my kids the way I'd like to, after all, why even bother working, if I'm too fucked up to enjoy it?
SCAR TISSUE
About a month ago I had a really bad case of gout; gout is called the rich asshole illness where your uric acid amount is too high from too much drinking and the eating of red meat. If you work out and eat ok, you usually never get it, and doctor's still don't know what actually triggers the effects of gout, but when you get it, it can feel like someone took a hammer to your joints, pulverized the joint to powder and it is only the skin around the joint which is holding the joint in place, i.e. it hurts like a motherfucker x 3. You take all the painkillers you can and still feel no difference. I've had it before, but not like this where I was in so much pain for 3 days I couldn't even think, let alone work.
Basically my ankle was about 3 times as big as my normal size and after a week, I was fine, except 2 weeks later I had another bout, nearly as bad. So hobbling to the hospital with my wife, I ended up get a blood test and also an MRI on the ankle. Why MRI? About 6 years ago, I got in a career ending injury on the pitch/field which ended up hyper extending both my knees and cracking my right ankle. Fast forward through 6 years of limping and a bit of physio therapy interrupted by travel and work, the MRI revealed that I have a wonderfully nurtured one inch wide hole in the top of my ankle filled with scar tissue and makes a happy home to my gout. Anyway, its bad, so bad that the surgeon said that besides the fact that the edges of the bone are cutting into the scar tissue, and the obvious traumatic degenerative arthritis plus gout that if I do leave it, then I'll have to consider a prosthetic implant procedure, so... I'm suppose to be a happy patient at the moment, but I've put it off for month simply because of some pending contracts but on July 11, I'll be admitted for a week and have a nice cast for 3 months with 6 months of rehab. Since they are going to drill some holes in my ankle and hope it grows back (70% chance it will be very successful), thing is, me drinking, smoking and eating badly isn't good prep for my non-life threatening surgery but more importantly not good for the chances for me not recovering properly.
IF I COULD...
If I could do anything, anything, every day, all day, I'd play rugby. I love rugby, every day that I haven't played is every day I remember running down the pitch/field. When I use to ride the bus or subway or am on a plane, I'd just zone out and go Al Bundy and just replay every game, every run, and every play in my mind. If my parents weren't so intent on destroying any opportunity for me to play as I was growing up, I reckon I would have moved to South Africa played club and tried my luck in the French pro leagues, but being the dutiful korean son, and after a few university degrees later, I managed to focus my competitiveness into business. Would I give up everything I've done in business for 1 year in a pro league, hell yeah!
So, when I was at the hospital, of course I ended up getting excited and asked the surgeon if I would be recovered enough to play again, of course at 37, the most I can hope for is to join the 3rd division club team and probably as a second string bench warmer, but, if I can just play one more year and then break my ankle again and go into 3 years worth of rehab, hell yeah, I'll do it! Except that now, right now, after half a pack of smokes, I wonder, where the fuck is my dedication, my passion?
ANSWERS? YOU WANT ANSWERS?
A lot of things that I can share, all the advice, all the guidance, nothing, absolutely nothing compares, to knowing, living and being our passion. It is the only thing that makes all the same shit that we do, our own shit. It is the thing that starts every achievement and makes it great. You do whatever you wanna do, but without passion, it's nothing special, it's just a job, or it's just an idea that we don't have the balls to go through with. I'm not a big fan of good habits and bad habits and boiling everything down to a force of will, I'm a train wreak of bad habits and idiosyncrasies but who cares? We are the good and bad, but what has always brought it together for me has been love, and passion.
FIGURING IT OUT..AGAIN..
Thing is, maybe it's been such a long time and rugby isn't the passion I once had, and all I can think about is not being about to show my kids how well their old man plays football. I reckon/think we never stop questioning, re-evaluating where we stand, why we do the stupid shit we do and why we don't do the right thing. I don't think it's a matter of making it right or feeling bad that it ain't right, but first at least giving a shit enough to question and recognize the obvious things. I don't have answers, but if it only takes a blog post for me to start to figure things out again, to rekindle a bit of passion, and have some reflection, well, I reckon I'm in a good place even if I'm on daily medication for the pain. Just gotta throw out these smokes and get take a nice nap dreaming of running again on that green grass pass the ball with my sons. Well, I'll get around to it, after this last smoke. ^^
 
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ALLEYCAT BLUES49484 Posts
once again great blog ^^
hopefully your surgery goes well
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Dude, remember this one thing you once said off-hand on one of your early blogs IIRC:
Never stop asking why.
Even if it's a stupid question, the fact that you still question yourself, that's why you're there doing what you want. Getting that surgery will only make you think: "Why can't I train this motherfucking ankle back to shape?"
You know you want to be there with your kids, to teach them how badass you are running with a football, teaching them how to make a killing in a negotiating game. You're not going to be doing that hobbling around with a busted ankle. Each time that shit hurts before and after you get it fixed, you'll remember that you want to make it well for your kids. Goddamn, I don't have a child and don't plan on having one any time soon, but I'll be damned if I can't empathize with how you'd feel if you disappointed with your own self-expectations as a dad.
You're awesome enough to know you can do it. Good luck. 
Edit: Fuck me, I thought you had the gout problem in your knees as well.
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Good luck with that surgery,saw the part on rugby and reminded me never saw the follow up on your kids first birthday, did he choose the rugby ball?
Also in the answers section I think you meant "your" not "our"
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Nice blog as usual. Hope your surgery goes well.
good luck
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Hey man, don't worry too much about it, we are all humans and we are all hardwired to do this type of shit so try not to be down on yourself about it. That being said, realize you are doing exactly what you want to all the time, rather it be achieving goals such as closing a business deal or eating the most disgusting yet delicious food to ever grace this planet. The dedication and passion you have is still there, it actually never leaves and proof of this is that you are doing exactly what you want to do all the time (we all are). The sooner you take responsibility acknowledging this the sooner you will be able to move on and stop feelng victimized by your own actions. The bottom line is that with life you can never make a mistake, you can only live, so next time you do something that bothers you take a step back and realize that it's okay if you never achieve perfection, you just may achieve something more.
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Imagine that your sons are you, right now. Would you be upset that they are smoking? Will you be upset that they have no regard for their health?
I think the important thing to ask yourself now while you are handling all these problems is - are you happy? If you are, will this happiness last? What are the repercussions of my current happiness (smoking)? If you feel that you want to continue smoking because it makes you happy and that you want to face the possible consequences of smoking (however, it seems that you don't smoke often), then why not let yourself go?
Then again, I feel that you should question your behaviour/actions, "Do I want my son to be like this?", "Will my wife be disappointed if she found out about this?", and the follow up to the previous question - "Am I willing to make my wife disappointed at the expense of my own happiness?"
Depends on you.
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love every one of your blogs, as a younger twenty something i might know having read, but still haven't done. Each of your blogs are a great reminder for me what the right course of action that i am not taking in the moment. thanks for writing, it is really valuable.
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That is a lot of words, OP, to say that you are in denial. You don't seem to accept what being older and a father really means for your future life. You are escaping into daydreams of playing rugby and how life used to be when you were young and didn't have to care about anything. And you are finding excuses for yourself not to start taking care of yourself like you know you should be doing. All in all a pretty sad thing for you to disclose on these forums.
But you know what? You're completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You're a normal human being. Go and smoke and cough out your lungs and dream of playing rugby. You never will, of course. You lungs and your ankle won't allow it.
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Do you usually smoke while you're in the hotel room? It might help to stay away from where you usually smoke, to get away from the environment where you are used to your bad habits.
It's a habit while you're there. Maybe it'll help to read about how people resist smoking when they're where they used to smoke all the time. It's the hardest to resist there -- it's actually a thing.
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Regarding your bad habits this is typical and very common sight if you are an therapist/psychiatrist.
Atom, you feel controlled by your behaviors and habits, correct? A part of you want to stop being unhealthy and truly understands how much better your life would become if you just stopped. However there is another part of you that just want to keep doing what you always done and that is why you keep relapsing and having all this internal conflict and helplessness.
What you are experiencing is a parts problem. one part of you want something while the other part wants something else. And since they are fighting one part will win sometimes while other part will win other times and you keep alternating between "the good part", or the good habits and the "bad part", or the bad habits.
The reason why you are alternating is because you are getting a secondary payoff whenever you do something "bad", sure the longterm problem the bad habits might cause are real, however you do get something out of being "unhealthy" might it be shortterm gratification of that nicotine rush or that tasty alcholic beverage.
The only way for someone to come with terms with both parts of ones personality is to treat the part that is causing the problems. When you are all rational and logical and doing like you are suppose to the healthy part is in control and it won't do any good in trying to work on it, like talking or sort things out. What you need is to start working when your other "self" manifests and you start to drink and smoke. That's the time when you should start to wonder what the hell am I doing, how do I combat this, what can I do to replace my current bad habits with better ones.
The biggest myth is that you can simply drop habits or behaviors without replacing them with new ones. Habits are addictive and if you do not replace them then you will feel an emptiness or a void and if you don't have any complementary habits to fill that void with you will simply revert back.
To clarify further:
#1 note down all your "bad habits" and take note of when they come up, what time and under what situations.
#2 what benefits do they get you when you do them, these might be shortterm pleasures for example
#3 What are the negative effects of these habits and make a choise if they are worth removing from your life
#4 take all the habits you want to remove and try to adding new positive habits in their place
#5 Make sure that they work at the same time and situation as your old ones.
#6 Would be great if they added about the same or close the same benefit to you as the previous ones minus the negative effects.
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scar tissue sounds fkin bad 
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Stay in there hyung it'll be alright! Think long term like you always do.... there are much worse diseases you could've got!
Gout? very treatable.... as long as the primary cause is innocuous.
Please stop smoking also...
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do what you know you wanna do! its easy if you start super slow/light and build up. go for a 4 minute run, then next week 6 minutes, then next week go for 8....in 6 months times you'll be raping the treadmill . shit is so easy if you do it that way. besides its not about how much you , but how consistently you do it. the "how much" comes automatically according to the "how consistently/how often". being able to run for 4 minutes is exactly the same as being able to run for 40 minutes - if you can do one then you can do the other.
you're right about environment, but you can slowly change that too. if you know whats wrong. you dont have to change it right now, but think about what you'd change if you went on another trip in the future. maybe you'd go to bed an hour earlier, or you'd make sure you eat properly from the get-go - you KNOW what you'd change, so just pick something and go with it next time. there's no rush to change everything right now; you're not a superhuman , at least not at everything. but pick something you can change for another day, and start small - tiny - but consistently
its important to understand/acknowledge what you BELIEVE in . at 37 surely you aren't thinking that you're too old for this, too old for that...
your emotional state/focus wont always be able to allow you to pursue what you believe in, but every so often it will. remember your values and don't waste those rare opportunities when they come along. the more you do it, the easier easier easier it gets...like everything
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Nice blog as always and good luck with the surgery. The scar tissue thing sounds kinda scary, I've never even heard of a gout before.
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so funny.. just today i thought that i'm falling way to much into my workaholic mode bad habit, and now i find your blog about bad habits here. I guess i'm not actually as bad in as i feel, but still i need to figure out how to make it less bad as well.
Since i'm sure you'll work it out somehow, i'll root for you getting it done sooner rather than later ^^ Good luck!
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It's very interesting to see this side of you, your blogs are always so well written and put-together, it's almost nice to read this.
As always, though, outstanding.
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
omg now i feel bad about that day we walked like 10 miles
stay strong dave! i'll rescue u in 2013!
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
On June 18 2012 19:28 Rekrul wrote:
omg now i feel bad about that day we walked like 10 miles
stay strong dave! i'll rescue u in 2013!
Haha, it is exactly because of the day, one week after my injury that it could have either healed or get fucked. hahaha. Well anyway I was nervous about meeting my wife's dad the next day after so, it's not your fault haha, but no buddy calls me a pussy! ^^*
And thanks to all the well wishers, I'll be fine, I'm looking forward to ending the pain & to all the advice givers, thanks! hahaha, honestly I guess more than anything else, the point is, I don't care of about fixing my bad habits, rather just doing the things I love and be passionate, and let the rest just work itself out.
Rescue me Monster Dan! And we party in 2013 like its 1999!
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