EPTWill be on with Fidei and Superbia (EU servers preferred)
You know you want to <3
TL Mafia Community Thread - Page 102
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Half the Sky
Germany9029 Posts
Will be on with Fidei and Superbia (EU servers preferred) You know you want to <3 | ||
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Half the Sky
Germany9029 Posts
On September 19 2015 02:12 Damdred wrote: But league is crap << Dota>league obviously Didn't know you played dota. I do play on us east with some of the NA players on the weekends. Would love to team up with you if you are free. Are you on the Steam group by any chance? | ||
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Keirathi
United States4679 Posts
On May 08 2015 10:40 yamato77 wrote: TL MAFIA DOTA INHOUSES Since we have so many DotA players of varying skill levels on TL Mafia, I have decided to coordinate inhouses so that we can all play together and enjoy trash talking the enemy mid who feeds 3 kills to the roaming pudge in 5 minutes! If you are interested in playing in these, post in this thread and we'll attempt to pick a day of the week that suits at least 10 players. NA or EU is fine as long as you are willing to be play at odd times. It's almost summer so this shouldn't be such a big deal for many of you. Also, add me, Yamato, on Steam and I will organize a TL Mafia guild so we can organize these more easily in the future! Whatever happened to doing this!? | ||
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Fidei86
United Kingdom2116 Posts
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scott31337
United States2979 Posts
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VisceraEyes
United States21171 Posts
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iamperfection
United States9649 Posts
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Keirathi
United States4679 Posts
On September 20 2015 12:20 iamperfection wrote: don't you play league? its not that diffrent Hahahahahhahahahahahaha. | ||
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Half the Sky
Germany9029 Posts
http://steamcommunity.com/groups/TLMafia | ||
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Trfel
7015 Posts
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rsoultin
Netherlands15308 Posts
^ So ye, this is the blog for my serialized novel. (Thanks yamato for the idea!) Some of you are already aware that I'm rewriting this thing. Some have even seen some of it before. So if you like fantasy and are willing to put up with amateur writings, I'd appreciate the feedback/motivation to keep the rewrite going. (This seemed as good a place as any to post this.) | ||
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Alakaslam
United States17336 Posts
On September 22 2015 13:54 rsoultin wrote: Infestation ^ So ye, this is the blog for my serialized novel. (Thanks yamato for the idea!) Some of you are already aware that I'm rewriting this thing. Some have even seen some of it before. So if you like fantasy and are willing to put up with amateur writings, I'd appreciate the feedback/motivation to keep the rewrite going. (This seemed as good a place as any to post this.) I write the same exact way I am a harsh critic but you will probably take the work to better places with the critique. Any time you are needlessly vague, or writing a novel like a movie script, you will likely lose a lot of interest imo. You have to build the novel. "Why do I care about the fire-haired emperors? Who is suffocating and-... what? Where are they even- wait now he is calling someone? I thought he was suffocating?!? Augh well feedback time"- my flow of conciousness and train of thought. I couldn't make it far. Create background first; The Lord of the Rings does not start like this: Chronicle of the struggles of the company of 9 And the seats in the marble hall of Mina's tirith And how shire folk were the salvation "Comfortable. He was supremely comfortable. He strained to see who was at the door... 'NO! Go away! No visitors except on party business!'..." Rather, it starts with the following: At some point in the 1940's, J.R.R. Tolkien wrote: "Chapter 1: A Long-Expected Party When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton. Bilbo was very rich and very peculiar, and had been the wonder of the Shire for sixty years, ever since his remarkable disappearance and unexpected return. The riches he had brought back from his travels had now become a local legend, and it was popularly believed, whatever the old folk might say, that the Hill at Bag End was full of tunnels stuffed with treasure. And if that was not enough for fame, there was also his prolonged vigour to marvel at. Time wore on, but it seemed to have little effect on Mr. Baggins. At ninety he was much the same as at fifty. At ninety-nine they began to call him well-preserved ; but unchanged would have been nearer the mark. There were some that shook their heads and thought this was too much of a good thing; it seemed unfair that anyone should possess (apparently) perpetual youth as well as (reputedly) inexhaustible wealth." See, it's still vague, but we are immediately introduced to someone and given some background. And this is before saving the cat even. You must show us why we care about the suffocated man who can speak through strangulation in the empire of those who endure pain! Then we will enjoy it as much as (or possibly more than!) you do. To be fair, all I could do with a story is hijack a fantasy timeline with trained cockatoos from outer space wielding immense power and sending overly corny and pompous messages to vultures in binary... By arriving in orbit Insane crap, you know? Whereas you seem to be building a world. | ||
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Alakaslam
United States17336 Posts
Even a small change like "It's suffocating- absolutely suffocating, having to visit a place like this... " Then there is no throw-off. | ||
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Alakaslam
United States17336 Posts
I also am interested in the forest people, and you have perfect balance between exposition and moving through your story. Just fix your opener  | ||
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Alakaslam
United States17336 Posts
I sense the Mexico influence  you are using some SpanishDio, yes, this is perfect. Reminds me of Lufia 2, with Daos as the highest sinistral. I loved that game. | ||
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Alakaslam
United States17336 Posts
It's a fine opener. Would still prefer more early exposition but it isn't necessary as you take care of this rather quickly and ease into it nicely. | ||
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geript
10024 Posts
On September 22 2015 13:54 rsoultin wrote: Infestation ^ So ye, this is the blog for my serialized novel. (Thanks yamato for the idea!) Some of you are already aware that I'm rewriting this thing. Some have even seen some of it before. So if you like fantasy and are willing to put up with amateur writings, I'd appreciate the feedback/motivation to keep the rewrite going. (This seemed as good a place as any to post this.)  it won't open on my phone | ||
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rsoultin
Netherlands15308 Posts
Nh, I set it up so that it was mobile-friendly, but tbh I never would have considered a blog (too set in my ways and not that net savvy, lol) if yamato hadn't brought it up. There might be something buried in the site settings somewhere that makes it work. I'll play with it later. On September 22 2015 15:06 Alakaslam wrote: Oh! Diovanalth I sense the Mexico influence you are using some SpanishDio, yes, this is perfect. Reminds me of Lufia 2, with Daos as the highest sinistral. I loved that game. I am  Another fun fact...most of the names that aren't familiar are pronounced in Spanish in my head. On September 22 2015 15:10 Alakaslam wrote: Upon further reread, just change the first word to "Suffocation. It was all in his head, probably..." It's a fine opener. Would still prefer more early exposition but it isn't necessary as you take care of this rather quickly and ease into it nicely. Yeah, I kind of expected the second sentence to make it clear he wasn't actually being suffocated by anything. I'll play around with alternatives. The style is limited omniscient...although I won't stick with the same character all the way through, the idea is the setting is defined by the perception of the character you're following. In general I won't be using a lot of exposition outside of the character's thoughts and observations on various things. Not everyone likes that style but I feel like it adds a layer to the character development and let's me focus on the action of the story more. Your excitement always makes me <3 slam ^^ | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18481 Posts
… It was the unmitigated glare of the twin suns that most stirred up Ninian’s nostalgia for the everlasting twilight of Girael, where the trees were so thick that even light like this could barely penetrate. This is not the kind of sentence that I was expecting after the start. And less still after the ...s. I will continue reading, but my firt thoughts are that this is a very incoherent followup. Instead of introducing the man, you introduce the world. Then why create the expectations regarding the man? Also the sentence is pretty complex. We haven't been told the man's name yet, so Ninian’s might be the man, the city, the planet... anything. It takes effort to parse this and see that while the man is so uncomfortable he thinks he's suffocating, he is reminiscing about some other place. EDIT: btw, this request for feedback should really be in the blogs section. EDIT 2: read it all through. There's a few typos here and there, but I agree with Slam that it gets off to a decent start. Some sentence structures are more convoluted than they need to be, but if you publish, a semI decent editor will fix that. My main stylistic quibble is with you referring to Ninian as "the man" too often. Sometimes so that it's confusing: either refer to him by name, or with "he". | ||
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rsoultin
Netherlands15308 Posts
On September 22 2015 21:09 Acrofales wrote: EDIT: btw, this request for feedback should really be in the blogs section. Lol, you're right. When I was referring to feedback, I actually didn't mean in this thread, however since people want to talk about it here I have started a blog post for those on TL. http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/495248-introduction My only purpose here was to let people know that I'd finally done what I'd said I was going to do. ^^ | ||
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